So, you’ve made the decision to abstain from sex until marriage? Congratulations! You are dating while celibate and you’ve joined many other singles who have made this personal and spiritual choice, including Meagan Good and Tamara Mowry who both decided to become celibate while they were dating.
While I celebrate your courage to make this choice, I know you may feel like it’s almost impossible to find someone who respects your values and is willing to grow with you as you move forward in your relationship.
You also may have some questions about how to talk about sex with the person you’re dating.
“Sex was given by God to help express love, not to create it.”
I want to help you stick with your decision and find a person who is willing to walk this journey with you by giving you 3 tips for having the conversation about celibacy with the person you’re dating.
1. Clearly state your reasons and requirements for being celibate
When the topic of sex comes up with the person you’re dating, explain why you decided to become celibate. Is it for spiritual reasons? Are you healing from past experiences? Be clear about your reasons.
Also, you’ll want to clearly state your requirements. If you’re abstaining until marriage, make sure that you share this, otherwise the other person may have an expectation that they can change your mind! Be upfront about your physical boundaries as well. You are ownership over your body!
2. Be clear that choosing not to have sex doesn’t mean you are not sexual.
It’s important to make this distinction because you don’t want to associate sex with shame or guilt in your mind or the mind of your potential partner.
You also don’t want the other person to feel like you’re punishing them because of your decision to abstain. You’re looking forward to enjoying sex at the right time and with the right person and you can share that in your conversations. You can even use this quote by Dr. Myles Munroe: “Sex was given by God to help express love, not to create it.”
3. Be prepared for the other person to make their own decision
Whether you’re in the beginning stages of a new relationship or you’ve decided to become celibate while you’re already in a relationship, you must be prepared for the consequences of that choice. The other person may have different standards and expectations. If they decide they can’t handle not having sex until marriage, let them go! Be confident that you will find the right person who will happily respect you.
I want you to be encouraged and stand strong in your decision to date while celibate. In a world that is saturated by hookups, casual sex, and sex before marriage, there are people who understand that sexual freedom means the freedom to choose not to have sex before it’s time.
BMWK, are you dating while celibate? What are your greatest challenges?
Four years into this lifestyle and it’s nice to read articles on celibacy that help me reinforce my decision. I’m not waiting on that special someone I am living my life and if he happens to cross my path along the way then great.
Loved the article. However, I feel like telling a man upfront is better. I feel like I’m wasting my time and theirs if we go on 3 dates and then I tell him.
I’m 51 and still haven’t figured it out. I’ve been celibate for years, waiting on my godly man to appear. I was involved in a sexual relationship a few years ago and it took me 2 yrs to get over it. Soul ties are real. You almost feel possessed.
Anyway, I promised I’d wait for marriage. Fast forward to last week and I had sex with a guy I was seeing. I felt nothing, but disappointment in myself. I thought it was something that I wanted. Turns out, it wasn’t.
I had to end it because I knew I couldn’t keep going on having sex when I felt like I was disappointing God and myself.
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This is a great article! I am virgin and dating and it has been a challenge for me because I have dated men who were only interested in sex but now I am dating a man who is not rushing to sexual intimacy and it is nice. The greatest point about your article is that celibacy does not mean you are not sexual and I believe a more people should understand that-both celibate and sexually active.
Great article. I have to say, I am amazed at the opposing thoughts around this issue/topic. We either Obey God’s word or we don’t. Even when I was engaging in premarital sex, I knew it was against God’s word. It wasn’t His best for me. It’s EXTREMELY challenging to wait. It is costly to give up what my body wants in an effort to obey God. It doesn’t seem glorious or rewarding. I know that obedience to God’s word in this area is not a magical pill to create a great marriage. It’s one of many decisions necessary to create a solid foundation for other decisions made when/if I am married. Again, thank you for these tips.
Three years of celibacy, and feel great!No pressure, no stress, I’m upfront from the beginning and I respect their decision if they can’t deal.
Great article!
Celibacy needs to be preached to men as much as it is to women, and I think it’ll be easier to communicate. It is very difficult to find a man who accepts this. It’s a difficult journey to travel….I’ve seen women in their 40s and 50s who want kids but haven’t met anyone who accepts their celibacy.
I’ve always wonder what advice do you give these women?
I have been walking in celibacy for 5 yrs and I am loving it!!!
It’s hard to find a guy who’s willing to wait for an official relationship, let alone marriage.
People will say “I don’t know any man who’ll wait til marriage”… What exactly is the set time for marriage to take place? There isn’t one. I met a couple who got married the day after they met and have been married for 40 years.
That’s not the norm, but my point is it doesn’t have to take 10 years. It can happen anytime. Guys/people who scoff at the idea of waiting til marriage don’t see marriage anywhere in THEIR near future, and they probably have no intention of ever marrying you. Even if they do, they like to wait until you’ve moved in together, have kids, a dog and “might as well cuz we ain’t gettin any younger” or to finally shut you up. Stay true to your word and do you.
I was divorce from my ex-husband for 7 years before dating again. I wasn’t looking and had gotten comfortable not dating. I met a Christian man and we became friends in doing ministry together. He made it clear after while that he was going to pursue me and wanted to marry me. I was not ready and I still have some reservations even after 3 years of dating him. I don’t know what to do, the Holy Spirit has been speaking to my spirit that I will need to abstain from having sex. I realize I can not have my cake and eat it too. He wants to get married and I do not want to marry just base on the reason that we would no longer be fornicating once we get married. I got married the last time base on that reason. There are still some quirks that we need to work out before making this final important decision. He has been married more than once and I have been married before. I do not want to lose him nor do I want to make the same mistake. We had a heart to heart talk and he seems to understand how I feel. It’s only been 2 weeks and I know I have to turn this completely over to the Lord. IN the meantime, how do we go back to just dating after 3 years without sex. I know I have to do this because it’s God’s will. Eo you know if this has ever happened to anyone.
My favorite point is point number 2. Be clear that choosing not to have sex doesn’t mean you are not sexual!!
Love, Love, LOVE this point!
People think that because you are abstaining from sex until marriage that your either a non-sexual person, you are punishing them, or you are going to change your mind after a little persuasion or time. The reason behind choosing celibacy is much deeper than that and once someone either understands your reasoning, or practices the same lifestyle choices, then can you ask God if that is a person you should be dating. God has your back always! It is possible to be a sexual person practicing celibacy and it is also possible to marry a sexual person practicing celibacy.
Love the article. You have gained a new subscriber. Check out my blog sometime! Keep doing what your doing.
-Diamond Ross
https://www.therealblackdiamond.com/
Thanks for the article. I’m a 33 year old virgin who is often approached by men who only want sex. They make their request known usually within the first week of getting to know each other (which maked it easier to give them the boot-set myself free as not to waste their time).no This become a struggle for me in that I don’t feel that I’m giving off sex goddess vibes and I’ve yet to meet any guy who seriously wants a relationship outside of the bedroom. For the few guys that I have explained my V card status to, they find it comical or accuse me of lying. I don’t dress provocative but would rate myself a 7. I’m rather proud of God helping me to maintain until His and my appointed season. Still a good read. Came to read article because yet again I have a guy who wants to be my lover…well another one bites the dust.
I found this article at a time very critical moment in my life. I have been dating a woman that i love so much and want to marry but we were having sex. At a point in my life it felt as though i lost all sense of direction and passion for life. It was a strange feeling because i have always loved the lord and felt his presence. I did all i could, tried all therapy but none was addressing the situation. So today i was speaking with my bosom friend to procure solutions. We mentioned abstainance from sex until we get married . Once i made up my mind and started working on it, Restoration began and i could feel Gods presence and his love. It pays to obey God. No matter what you think you might loose just to obey him… Stick to it. You will not regret it. You have the last laugh i guarantee you.