(Yesterday we ran a married man’s point of view on Facebook and it was a very hot topic. Well… we have a lot of single readers and we didn’t want to leave them out so today we’re running a single woman’s point of view. Check it out and let us know what you think.)
by Cherise Adkins
It’s hard enough navigating the single world as a woman living in 2009. With all this new technology, it seems the excitement of romance is dying with every push of a button or click of a mouse. It is my belief that our quest to find “The One” is being directly hampered by high-tech advances in communication. We’ve gone from the telephone to e-mail to texting to what I consider the worst perpetrator of them all: Facebook.
Human nature says the basic rules of male-to-female attraction involve what’s referred to as The Chase. And in today’s world, both men and women are responsible for its demise. It’s not uncommon for two people to meet at a bar, and end the first conversation with a phrase that kills any and all relationship potential. That self-destructive two-word phrase is “Facebook me!” It’s practically a dating suicide bombing. And I’ll tell you why.
My own personal case studies (and we’ll get into that in just a moment) have lead me to conclude the following fact. Add him as a friend and be prepared to listen to silence. Yes, that’s the sound of your phone not ringing. I noticed this phenomenon when I friended a string of men, only to notice their sudden disinterest.
I first noticed it on Halloween 2008. I was dressed as a female cop. He was a shirtless genie in a bottle. We both were out for a night on the town. After a brief and flirty conversation, he gave me his name and told me to look him up on Facebook. Warning ladies– don’t do it. Anyway, back to my story. Being blissfully unaware, I found him the next day and tagged him in a picture we took together. From that day on, I never heard a word from him. Not so much as a “nice meeting you” or “thanks for tagging me.” For him, it was mission complete. I quickly became another pretty face in a crowd of a thousand friends. I thought nothing of this until months later when I met someone else who seemed pretty into me. I Facebooked him. Poof! No interest on his part. Then it happened again. And again. Until I realized that Facebook friending has not only replaced the false promise of a phone call, but it virtually guarantees that a man will show no interest in you at all. And it’s not his fault. It’s yours.
If a man already knows your background, interests, preferences, what makes you laugh, what you dreamed about last night, what you ate for breakfast today, what you thought about that new romantic comedy, and why you’re taking your pet to the vet at 12 noon, what in the world would inspire him to pick up the phone and call you?
The answer is nothing. Facebook bombards you with detailed insight into another person’s life, thus eliminating the element of mystery. Without mystery, there is no intrigue. Without intrigue, there is no reason to chase. And without The chase, well you can just forget it.
Too much too soon can be detrimental. So limit your social networking to in-person encounters and you’re sure to find virtual success in the real world of dating.
Single BMWK family, should you FB friend a potential date that you meet? Have you had good or bad experiences after you became FB friends with a person you were interested in dating ?
Dee says
Ok so let me get this right between yesterday and today’s theories. Facebook, has the potential to destroy marriages, and doesnt allow people to actually date so they get to the point that they marry. If men and women stop interacting socially with the intent of being mates, then there will be no more procreation. If there is no procreation then the mankind ceases to advance, and eventually will die off. So basically what it comes down to is Facebook is eventually going to be responsible for the utter destruction of the social fabric of our way of life, which will lead to the extinction of human life on earth. Therefore I conclude that FACEBOOK IS INDEED THE APOCOLYPSE!!!!
Yo-Yo says
I agree technology has replaced good old fashion dating principles (i.e. calling on the phone, or leaving a voicemail )…but my biggest problem with the story is “The Chase” when mature men and women date there shouldn’t be a “Chase”. That ideology that women have to “act” mysterious so a man can feel he is chasing me with the ultimate goal of catching me is so primitive. It leads to relationships that are built on misrepresentation of one another. I agree Facebook is not the most effective form of communicating interest but nor is the “Old Game of Cat and Mouse”. Black men and women are missing each other because the games of dating has replaced genuine interest expressed through communication!
Lamar says
@Dee- Facebook is not the apocolypse, just the DEVIL LOL
Georgia Peach says
I don’t agree with this totally. I reconnected with my soon husband to be on Facebook.
Tyrone says
Facebook me?
Come seriously, that was EXTREMELY corny. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy FB and it allows me to keep in touch with friends when I can’t get to via phone/email. BUT, if I’m interested in a person, I’m calling…SHEESH!
Latasha says
Maybe the fact that they were no longer interested had nothing to do with Facebook and more of who you are as a person.
Lamar says
Wow we’re getting pretty personal today eh? I can totally see how being totally aware of everything a person does throughout the day takes away from that newness and the mystery of when you meet someone new. One of the things that makes meeting someone new so special is getting to know them and if you see it all online then what?
On a different but similar note I actually have a friend who was telling me and Ronnie the other day that her techie bf only likes to talk via chat and im everyday which is driving her to her limits so this isn’t that far fetched.
Plus this wasn’t a thesis so lighten up.
DAMARA says
Please….. Facebook has nothing to do with who a person is internally.If he were going to call or show interest he would have regardless of Facebook.The guy Im dating and I talk on the phone ,Facebook, text and messaging because there is a genuine interest there.
TEE~LADY says
I AGREE WITH TYRONE…
IF A MANS INTERESTED IN YOU, FACEBOOK SERVES AS A MEANS TO GET TO KNOW THAT PERSON BETTER BEFORE MEETING IN REAL~TIME. A PERSON SOCIAL CIRCLE, FAM & FRIENDS BETTER, THEIR IDEOLOGICAL VIEWS..PERTINENT INFORMATION CAN BE GATHERED FROM ONLINE~CHATTING.
PRIVACY OF COURSE IS ALWAYS TOP PRIORITY, HOWEVER THERE ARE CRITERIAS FACEBOOK HAVE PUT IN PLACE TO OFFSET THE ‘PRYING~EYE(s)
IF A PERSON IS ‘JUST NOT INTO YOU’…THEY WONT BE IN PERSON EITHER.
ONLINE~BEFRIENDING IN MY OPINION ARE GREAT WAYS TO LEARN ABOUT SOMEONE BEFORE MOVING FORWARD…
TEE~LADY IN HOUSTON
Cam says
I just think facebook hastens and highlights negatives/insecurities because it allows for WAY more assumptions to be made than likely would have without the access.
Ronnie says
Cherise – I did not have to deal with this when I was dating…Facebook adds another dynamic to the dating game. So instead taking your number and saying that they will call you the next day, the guy says Facebook Me.
If a guy said that to me, I would say sure (but in my mind I would have no intention of actually doing it.) I never gave my home phone number out, but if I was actually interested in a person I probably gave him my cell phone or email and then I would let him call me. That may be old fashioned…or cat and mouse…or whatever you want to call it…but that is how I operated.
Plus when you first meet a guy, you would not introduce that guy to all of your family/friends/kids and co-workers right away. So if you friend that person right away, they will have too much access to your personal life that perhaps you don’t want them to have yet (or ever.) If you use facebook as a networking tool and you will friend almost anybody..then perhaps it will ok to friend this man. But if you keep all sorts of personal information out their and you are selective about who you want seeing it, then perhaps you don’t want to be friending random dudes.
Pluuuuussssssssss – if you and this guy are not in a committed relationship..then you should make sure that you are a secure person and not a jealous person that will be on his page analyzing every comment and picture that he has with other women…You will drive yourself crazy.
So I would agree Cherise..there are many many reasons why Facebooking a potential date is not good. I think the old fashioned phone call or an acutal date would be best to start out with.
Fabulous Femininity says
As a single woman, I believe that being facebook friends with a new guy I’m dating is beneficial. And I just wrote a response to this BMWK entry on my own blog. Please check it out.
Why You Should Facebook the Guy You Just Met
https://fabulousfemininity.blogspot.com/2009/10/why-you-should-facebook-new-guy-you.html
spenseravery says
@Ronnie, very good points. Depending just what the heck is on your FB page. I might not need to call you at ALL. Careful what you post ladies/gentleman.
Danielle says
Great post…surely gave me a few things to think about.
Blove says
Facebook did not kill the chase. The guy knew before leaving club the chick would only be a friend. It was a nice gesture on his part to provide his facebook ID to her.
Stephen Carson says
Easily said facebook brings a interesting dynamic to dating…just dont get catfished…And if he met you and didnt pursue his lost he didnt know what was in front of him. …