By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
Picture this; you are attending an event with a room full of people you don’t know with the exception of your date. This room is filled with people who already have a familiarity with one another and everyone in this room is sharing a story or memory with another person there, all except for you. This event is your spouse’s class reunion. Now you are questioning rather or not you really needed to be there. I have accepted the idea that I may be on an island of one when I say NO to that question, unless of course you and your spouse attended the same school. I recently found myself caught up in a debate with a couple of girlfriends on this very topic. I never can remember how these conversations begin, but I always find myself front and center whenever there’s talk of spouses, marriage and relationships.
The question was “Do you bring your spouse or significant other to your class reunion?” Answers ranged from absolutely to maybe to no. At the class reunion we normally find ourselves catching up with old friends, reminiscing on those good times and sharing what you’ve done since you were in school. Another question becomes, where does a spouse fit into that list of events? Of course we want old friends/classmates to know we married a wonderful person and had beautiful children, but wouldn’t a picture sum that up rather than putting our spouse through a long evening of “baby, this is Tammy, she was a cheerleader, or this is Tony, we were both RAs. Not only am I a spouse who doesn’t think my husband would enjoy tagging along to my class reunion, I am also a spouse who has no interest in attending my husband’s reunion. I am so sure I would be bored to tears and vice versa. During my debate I discovered that certain friends felt that it was a must that they are asked to go as well as be in attendance at their spouse’s/boyfriend’s reunions. They felt it was necessary for them to see what the old crushes and exes looked like and to hear what their spouse was like in school. While I may be a little curious about the exes, there is no need to see them in person. I would expect my husband to go, have a good time, catch up and then fill me in later.
BMWK, what do you say? Is it a must that we take our spouse to the class reunion? Is it wrong if you decide not to?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing, creator of The Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
I agree with you Tiya. I'll roll with you if you want me to or you can come along if you feel the need but most of the time will be spent with the reunion spouse telling the other who such and such is and how they know them, what they used to be like etc… Enjoy catching up with old friends, have fun and give me a recap.
I believe that you should ask whether your spouse wants to go. If they don't want to go then that's that. But I think the courtesy should atleast be extended to ask if the spouse would like to go. Like you said, there are some folks out there that would like to go. I wouldn't mind going to my husband but I know my husband could care less to go to mine. My husband however, is not a socialite as I am.
Fortunately for me, my husband and I graduated in the same class, LOL!!! So we both know everyone! But, he went to a college in IL and I went to school in TN. Mine was an HBCU, and his wasn't. Anyone who's attended an HBCU know that homecomings can be crazy!! LOL Since we've been married, he hasn't attended homecoming with me yet, was unable to go last year due to his work schedule, I went with family and friends. I would take him, though. I think he'd have a great time. He's friends with a couple that attended the same college as I did, and the husband is a member of his fraternity, so I think my husband would have a good time. We don't have hang ups about seeing one another's ex's, we both know nothing is happening with that!!! I'd like for him to see the place that helped to shape me into the person I am today.
I went to a small, all girls high school and the conversation of whether husbands should even be invited comes up before every reunion. I absolutely know that my husband has no interest in sitting in a room full of women talking, so I wouldn't even ask him because it would make the event less fun for me having to worry about the fact that he wasn't having fun.
Aja, okay yours sounds like an easier decision, since it was all girls. lol.
Getting to know my FI's friends and important past persons is something that I think is nice and important. I don't expect to spend our married life avoiding uncomfortable situations, such as being around people that I don't know. Same as going to his work functions. The thing is, after attending work functions for the past 4+ years, I know many of his co-workers and colleagues, and I've even helped him to foster new relationships because I am more outgoing than he is. We are getting married the weekend of my 10 yr reunion, and I will be working for business during his, but we would both have attended each, or either, happily. Neither of us really dated in HS, and we met the first day of college, so as far as college reunions, we know the same people and we LOVE to attend. However, I don't insist that he attend the weddings of all my old friends. I don't like going to weddings much myself, so I certainly don't impose them on others. Its best to discuss as a couple, your desires and expectations for such events.
The fb fanpage is cracking me up. I don't think if you don't want to go to a reunion with your spouse that you're not a loving spouse. That's crazy. How about you want your spouse to go and have a good time reminiscing with old friends and not worrying about if you're having a good time or not. It's really not about you it's about your spouse and their night, that's why I would leave it up to their discretion and be cool with it either way. Whichever way you sit down and decide to go is what's best for YOUR relationship.
Okay, I'm heading to the fan page to see what's going on there, lol. Let me get myself ready. It's not a “Man Date” article all over again is it Lamar? hahah
TOTALLY AGREE TIYA!!!
I'm going with my husband to his reunion on Friday. I'd prefer not to go but he's giving a motivational speech at the beginning. So I gotta be front and center to ward off these old high school crushes that might be moved by his words. LOL…Just kidding (kinda).
Oh yes Tara, that is a must you be there. Now that's different for me too, wouldn't miss that for the world.
I agree with you. You be surprise how many women and men still have crushes from high school. There is a guy on my fb, he was pretty upset when he found out I was married. lol I told him not only am I married, but I'm in love with my hubby. lol
Yes, Firstlady, we do have to be careful with that FB, lol.
I agree with Tiya and Lamar. No big deal to me, though. Plus I didn't really date anyone until I got to college, so that wouldn't be a huge show stopper.
I agree with you Tiya. I don't think it would be much fun. My husband has gone to his grammar and high school reunion picnics the past couple of years and I had no desire to tag along. I don't think he has any desire to come to mine either.
Katrina, that's what I think too, that I would be extremely bored. lol. But of course I would want to be asked, and I would ask as well. But overall, we both agree to just let each other go solo, unless of course it's out of town and for a whole weekend, now that's different.
I personally believe that a spouse should go. Everyone usually wants to show off their significant other and pics of te kids. I just tried to get out of a trip with my hubby and he wasn't having it. He wanted to show me off to all his frat brothers. He showed pictures of our kids. If you have a good looking spouse, I recommend you go. lol Alot of these people are single and looking for someone special. In alot of cases, they do not care if they are married.
Oh the HS reunion. Even more fun than going to the Office Party…
Offer to go. Go willingly if asked. Celebrate if you get out of it.
Well said!
I agree too Tiya…especially since I have a hard time remembering folks from years ago (I may know the face and I may know the name, but I may not be able to put them together). So I would spend the entire night thinking of creative ways to introduce my wive to folks whose names I don't remember.
Now I would be fine going with the spouse to a planned event for couples (e.g., a dance), but in general I'm in favor of attending the reunion solo.
To avoid sitting in a corner with a pasted smile trying not to look bored, I'd let me husband go solo. I think he'd be to busy working the room to keep me company. lol
My husband isn't interested in going to his high school reunions and neither am I about going to mine, so the answer to that is easy for us. Many of our high school friends we still see from time to time and some we have “relationships” with so we run across each other for other things. Now I do plan to attend my elementary school reunions(most of my classmates and I started kindergarten together so snot-nose to puberty…lol) and I would love for my husband to attend with me. He has met some of my elem. friends through the years(we've been together for 18 yrs) so I don't think he would be too out of place.
It was pretty customary for spouses to attend reunions, especially as the years add on(15, 20, etc.).
This is definitely a personal preference. If you can't hang out while your SO catches up with old friends, then you shouldn't go. But if you can mingle with the other spouses, you can always find something to discuss with other people. Hell, blogs are just conversations amongst strangers. If it's about showing off your spouse, then just go to one event, you don't have to attend everything.
I do agree about people trying to hook up with old flames, so if you are not 1000% secure in your relationship, you may need to ward off the hounds. No matter how secure your relationship, know there will be flirting, so get over it.
We had a picnic this weekend for all graduating classes from my high school, and the spouses who came sat in the corner bored or glaring at people. They should have stayed home. It changes the way their partner interacts. They are not as fun or outgoing when they have to babysit a spouse. Learn to entertain yourself for the happiness of your spouse. It's just a weekend!!
AJ Bell, that's true it is a personal preference. If I did attend my husband's reunion, I would definitely make the most of it, so that he could have a great time. We do have to make those kinds of sacrifices in our relationship, it is give and take.
My wife has attended two class reunions with me. I guess it was easier for her because she knew many of my classmates since we've kept in touch over the years. When I attended her class reunion, I didn't know anyone, but I still had a great time. I like listening to people's stories.
Mochadad, it does help when you are just naturally curious about people and enjoy meeting new people.
I wouldn't think of going without my spouse! My reason may bring a different perspective to the debate. I am a mildly social person and while socializing and catching up with friends (from the past) is fun for a bit, I would find comfort in knowing my husband would be there. The fact that there would be someone there that I could always talk to without “wondering” what to talk about or being forced to strike up conversation, a safe place, you could say, to return to. My husband, on the other hand, wouldn't be dying to go. Ha Ha Oh well, let the torture begin!
That is an interesting perspective, but it does make a lot of sense to me.
I have gone to some of my hubands class reunions. It's not a deal breaker if I stay home. My husbands reunions are not every yr. Next yr. I will atend because it's his 30th . I am the type of person that, there could be 30 tables in a room and you could sit me down at any table and I would be able to converse with all no matter income level, career, kids, no kids. I am a ppl person, but if I tell ppl what I do for a living, I could clear a room. LOL. When I do attend the reunions it's not about being seen and making myself known as his wife, it's about being by his side and he really does love introducing me as his wife. I am not jealous hearing about high school crushes. He married me. It is fun to listen to the stories and to allow him to reconnect(in person) with his then teenage collegues that knew him “then”. I can understand some concerns about taking your spouse to your reunion, if you are newly married and still young, or if your spouse shows out at every public event. LOL. The bottom line is , it's nice to be asked to attend your spouses' class reunion.
I would never go without my spouse and he had better not go without me!!! LOL! I did attend my husband's 20th high school reunion last year and it was interesting to listen to stories about my husband in his past life! It re-affirmed that I married a “good guy”! 🙂
Great post, Tiya. I actually ran into this very issue a few weeks ago during my own class reunion. Last year, my spouse did not take me. While I was invited, I could tell he wasn't dying for me to go. He said I would likely be bored and uncomfortable. I was slightly annoyed with his explanation, but once my own reunion rolled around, I could totally understand that position. Plus, I happened to be the organizer for my reunion so I wasn't just hanging around being social and also needed him to be the babysitter (LOL).
I did run into people asking me why I didn't bring my spouse and I know others were asked the same thing. To me, all that matters is that I clearly represented myself as being married.
I think for people who say they want to go see what their SO's exes look like or just to generally check up on their spouses, that's pointless and maybe even a small sign of insecurity. If people go together, great, but it should not be a must. My classmates who did bring significant others were either forced to babysit their spouses or watch their spouse sit in the corner and sulk because he/she didn't know anyone.
Like someone else said earlier, flirting is expected and I can deal with that, cuz I am somewhat of a flirt myself, but I am secure enough to know that I won't do anything and to not expect my spouse to do anything as well.
Also, I think the reunion number matters as well. When you're 50, it may be easier to integrate significant others into the convo. When you're 27 at your 10 year reunion, it's the first time people have seen each other since graduating, so that first reunion is most likely to be the one where everyone is catching up. I'm sure the attitudes toward this issue have to do with age as well.
This is my thinking as well, the first reunion isn't a big deal for the spouses to attend but as the years go on it would be nice to have your spouse with you. My husband nor I have attended our first reunions and we are now quickly approaching our 20th(his in 3 yrs and mine in 6 yrs) where we will probably attend them both. I was actually recently invited to an elementary school reunion that will be incorperating a couple of graduating classes and he said he would go with me.
Peoples' views on this also would be different if the reunioned spouse married their high school sweetheart and then remarried.
Great point Miko. As long as you behave as a married person, that's key. Well said. The Mrs., now that would be an interesting scenario, if it was a high school sweetheart and then a remarriage. I would love to hear from someone in that situation.
Thanks for this article…My class reunion is in a couple months and I want my husband to go but I can see how it can be annoying…
Flirting is expected but I will not tolerate from my spouse and I know he'll agree…I think flirting is a breach of the marital vows!
Fortunately my husband and I attended the same high school. We were not friends in high school, but oddly enough we had a lot of the same friends. We kinda hooked up at the 10 year reunion because we were both single at the time, but we didn’t start dating until we saw each other on Facebook during the planning of the 20 year reunion. So everyone was very happy for us and surprised and it made for great stories to tell later on. I will say that I did see a lot of classmates hook up at the 10 year reunion. Whether they were married or not. With either old flames or people they’d always wanted to hook up with.
I went to my husbands. He went to mine. We both had fun. At his, I quickly made friends with the wife of another one of the other classmates. We kept laughing at our significant others and the stories that people told us about them. We had a good time. My class reunion was a party/get together. He knew some of them already since we live in my hometown now. Wasn’t a big deal.
so, the ribDonor and I have been married for slightly less time than we’ve both been out of HS. we know a lot of each others friends, and reunion situations end up being much more than reminiscing. how bored would I be at my OWN reunion if all we did was reminisce! jeez, so much has happened since, why stay stuck on the past?
so on that note, we ended up not going to my term year trunnion, but we did HP to his.