by Harriet Hairston
Social scientists have called the high incidence of “step-children” being physically and sexually abused, neglected or murdered, or otherwise mistreated at the hands of their stepparents the “Cinderella Effect.” There are some things that take place in this world that make my blood boil. I can’t stand to hear about children being mistreated, regardless of whether or not those children are knuckleheads.
For example, my father was left in Mississippi by his mother who went up to Chicago during the Great Migration north. When she sent for him, he had two younger half-brothers and an abusive stepfather to deal with. While his brothers were allowed to get away with murder (almost literally), my father bore the brunt of his mother’s new husband’s fury. He was burnt, beaten, belittled…you name it, they tried to do it to him. He finally forged a birth certificate and joined the army just to get away from that environment.
I know a young man now who is forced to be a surrogate parent to his younger sister, but at times he is not fed, and most definitely is sorely mistreated by his mother’s husband. It reminds me of the horror stories my father used to tell me about his upbringing.
He asks for help with his homework, but does not receive it. Then, when he brings home C’s, he is punished unjustly. Don’t get me wrong…he’s not perfect. He’s got a smart mouth at times, and you can see bitterness trying to set into his psyche. But overall, he’s a GREAT kid!
I said all that to say that stepchildren should not exist. In an age where so many families are blended, it should be unfathomable that any child is treated like an outcast or black sheep. In fact, the origin of th e term “step-child” denotes loss, deprivation, illegitimacy and a pushing out from safety. In my book, no child should suffer from that kind of pressure! Children are CHILDREN, and they require nothing short of sincerity and love from those charged with their care.
When you read my information at the bottom of my articles, you see that I live in Louisiana with my two sons. Unless you asked, you would never know that one of them didn’t come from my loins. Yet I love that boy like I carried him myself for 9 months and endured labor to bring him forth. Now, I would never try to take his mother’s place. That’s insanity. But because this wonderful child came with the package of my husband’s love, it’s not only my privilege, but my OBLIGATION to treat him like the blessing he is to my life.
He will NEVER be a stepchild to me.
BMWK, I know many of you have blended families. Beyond providing food, clothing and shelter, how do you ensure that your non-biological children are treated with the same kind of respect, love and care that all children require?
God bless!
~ Harriet
Harriet Hairston, a freelance writer, human resources administrator at an HBCU and creator of the motivational blog, “Can She SAY That?!?” has a unique style that brings readers into her life through her transparent demeanor. She lives in Louisiana with her husband and two sons. You can reach her at [email protected].
Harriet,
Thanks for sharing this sometimes horrifying reality in blended families. I recently attended a marriage retreat and the subject of stepchildren came up. I don’t know where the term came from, but the opening assumption is that the stepchild will receive less attention and love and support than a natural child. The term has become so pervasive as to be used in reference to organizations, projects, anything that is not the natural outgrowth of the parent units. The inference is always the same — less than full support.
The advice that was shared in the marriage retreat was that both parents in a blended family must acknowledge that the children will be “different” — especially if the blended family comes together after the children are beyond age 5. The differences must be acknowledged and accepted, rather than attempts to get the child to “conform.” They can be loved, cared for, nurtured, and accepted without prejudice when the differences are acknowledged at the outset.
The parents have to acknowledge that there will be different dynamics based on different cultural influences before embarking upon the effort to build a blended family. The rules for blended families must be more carefully planned for and discussed in advance. If the child is shown true “acceptance” then the process has a much better chance of a harmonious outcome — between the parents, as well as the children.
Thanks again for this difficult topic.
Roger
Great info Roger, thanks for the input. This is a topic we’ll be moving more into in the near future.
WOW!!! Thanks again for a wonderful article!!! Last night this article would have helped a great deal on a conversation my hubby had with my blended family members (two stepsons)…. My daughter has always done well in school and the boys have always done o.k. on their grades (when they were living with their mom). Now that their mom has passed away and the boys are now living with us, my husband is so frustrated with their progress in school. One of the boys is not doing well in school (had to change schools) and rec’d all F’s and 2-D’s!!! I told my husband not to put my daughter on a pedestal b/c I don’t want the boys to resent her for any reason. It’s hard and my stepson told me that his bad grades are a result from him trying to fit in with the kids @ his new school. I’m praying for him and hope things will get better. My husband told me that he doesn’t want to fuss or punish him anymore (rec’d a bad progress report prior to rec’vng the bad grades). So last night my hubby sat down and had a heart to heart with his son and hopefully the talk will work b/c this whole life altering moment for the boys is a big adjustment.
Great post. I completely agree with you. The word “step” should not be used in front of the word child, sister or brother. It is such a derisive word and does nothing toward bringing the family closer together.
What I have noticed is that the people who tend to harp on these things, whether a child is a “step” child or if siblings are “half” sisters and brothers, do so because of their own issues, many times which have nothing to do with the children involved. Then they fail to realize the damage they do by ostracizing the children affected by their negative labeling.
Blended families are just that – families, and instead of perpetuating the differences in them; we should be concentrating on the love, communication and respect that it takes to make any familial relationship, blended or not, successful.
One of the things that all who are observing this dialog should acknowledge is that dealing with blended families is very difficult. There are many other attnedant issues — among them, the so-called stepchildren.
I appreciate the testimonies of those who have shared their own personal experiences. It is hard enough for two people from different families to create a new family. The stories about “in-law issues” are legend. When the parties to this effort are children, it must be recognized that their coping skills are undeveloped.
I would like to see more discussion on this topic due to the proliferation of single parents in our community — mothers and fathers.
When they decide to pursue marriage, they have many more challenges than to single people who are not yet parents. So, there are many more stepchilden in our communities than ever before.
The old put-down about being treated like a stepchild, is now more the rule than the exception. If marriages within the Black community are going to succeed, this topic requires much more insight and expert advice. The longterm success of the blended family marriages is at stake if we don’t address this in the most extensive way possible.
Roger
I agree with you!
I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful step-father in my life, but everyone doesn’t have that same experience. My younger sister’s father (who was not married to my mom) treated me differently because coming from a mixed-race background, I look the most black of my sisters. I had serious self-esteem issues as a child because of it.
There’s a new term floating around in the blended family world, called “bonus” kids and “bonus” mom and dad. I like that because it’s a positive term–it’s like you have extra people loving on you:-)
I like that, Ms. No Single Mama Drama. I’m going to have to start using that.
I just hate the fact that grown, mature adults would treat children differently just because of a few strains of DNA. It really upsets me.
I never thought I would marry a man that was already a father, but I did. And our son is such a blessing to me. But even if he presented the kinds of challenges that Staycee is having to deal with, he would still be MY SON.
I really respect the fact that Staycee is able to try to find alternative methods of disciplining her children. Each child is an individual, and meeting their individual emotional and spiritual needs is important. In that respect, treat your children as differently as you want. But to specifically treat a child with disdain because you did not give birth to him or her is unacceptable to me.
That was awesome Harriet!! This has definitley helped me dealing with my “bonus” daughter!
Thanks!
I don’t have children but I have a wonderful stepmother and stepfather. I’m so thankful that my mom and dad married people who have always accepted and loved me as their own. I feel blessed to have 6 wonderful parents (I count my wonderful in-laws too).
My biological mother passed away when I was born and my father married my “bonus” mom when I was six. She has been my rock and I’m the blessed Woman of God today because of her. What helped our relationship is that my father said that she is your “mother”, not your step-mother or “___” (first name). My mom could also discipline me with no interference from my father. My biological mother’s family also said that my “bonus” mother was my mother and supported her. Because I never saw any divisions among all three sets of families, I’m a complete woman today. My mom was there for the birth of my daughter and she is her “MeeMee”. People even think that my daughter looks like my mom. I do know about my biological mom and my heritage, but I tell anyone that I have had many “moms” and I love every woman that was/is a part of my life.
This was great Harriet! Unfortunately, I divorced earlier this year and some of the reason for the divorce was because my ex-husband started to treat my son differently. He never physically abused him or anything, but he became uninterested in anything going on with my son and began making it plain that my son was his step-son. That was very hurtful to my son as well as to me.
I’m on the other end of the spectrum. I know someone who had 3 stepdaughters and they and their mother were the most ungrateful people I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting. They’re all selfish, vengeful and spiteful. I remember him always working on homework with them because their father couldn’t be bothered being that he had a new family.
But when school functions happened their dad showed up and wanted to take the credit and they allowed it. They even asked him once if he could take the picture of the family and no one ever took another picture with him included in with the family.
I’ve just hear too many step children horror stories from various family members and friends and too few good ones. I was terrified of dating someone with kids. The one time I did it was a disaster!
@CS- that’s why we’ll definitely be talking more on this topic beginning very soon. Like Roger touched on earlier it’s a very complex situation and one both parties have to be prepared for upon entering the relationship.
True, Lamar and CS. I’ve heard the other end of the spectrum as well. Either way, blending a family is very difficult, and it requires a strong solidarity between the married couple to ensure their children understand and they are on the same page.
Momof3…that kind of news pains me. I hate to hear about stuff like that. Your ex husband knew your son came with the package, and if he wasn’t prepared to make that kind of commitment…well, I’m not going to go much further because I don’t know the whole story. But hang in there.
WOW I couldn’t imagine treating my kids like that. I do not have biological children, my 2 children are what this topic is about, my stepchildren. But I try not to call them that. The only time I clarify is when someone I’ve known for a long time asks. They are my son and daughter and I love them dearly. I feel like it would truly hurt my husband to the core if I treated the kids like they were nothing. I definitely look forward to reading other posts about this topic and I’ll chime in if I feel like I know what I’m talking about – LOL
I’ve come from a step family my father re-married to another womans as much as I respect that she cares for my father. Ive never opened up to her shes not my mother and her advises as good as they seem but never followed like a sheep as ive always questioned her motives. The thing is my step mother has always been envious that our father has invested his time and energy on his 5 children she wished he was a dead beat dad. Were all doing well i think that bugs her, so it gives me great encouragement that i am focused and sucessful and soon to be married. Im smart enough to know who is and isnt on my side she isnt on my side wether other people are lucky to have nice step parents thats god but not every one is so you better not let these irrelavant parasites get in your way.
I have two “bonus” children…one of them is a girl and the other is a boy. At first I had a tight relationship with the female child, but once she starting spending more time with her mother, our relationship changed significantly. I get lots of attitude and there is a level of disrespect that I’m dealing with. I’m unsure of how I’m supposed to handle this situation because it’s a sore subject between my husband and I.
Sena said:
I have two “bonus†children…one of them is a girl and the other is a boy. At first I had a tight relationship with the female child, but once she starting spending more time with her mother, our relationship changed significantly. I get lots of attitude and there is a level of disrespect that Im dealing with. Im unsure of how Im supposed to handle this situation because its a sore subject between my husband and I.
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I love the term “bonus children”. Most “bonus” kids are manipulaters by nature. Either they want their mom and dad back together, don’t want them with who they chose, or just want their single parent that they live with all to themselves. Kill her with kindness and not material things, she will see the good in you. Some kids just have attitudes. You did not mention how old the “bonus girl is”. I need more info and I bet a buck I can help you out. When my hubby married me he got 3 “bonus children”. 13 yrs later we are all the “bonus family”.
This is a very thought provoking topic. First, let me give some insight to my initial family dynamics (who I grew up with). My father produced seven children that we know of. Only two of us have the same mother. That would be my oldest sister and myself. My mother is the woman that he married. My oldest brother is my mothers son from a relationship prior to meeting my father. I point this dynamic out for several reasons. No, my father was not a good role model. No, he did not take care of all of his offspring the way he should have. Yes, some of us have SERIOUS issues. Here is the point that comes out of this mess. There were three of us that were raised in what you might call the “traditonal” family unit. My oldest brother, oldest sister, and myself. Because he MARRIED my mother, my oldest brother was always concidered by my father to be his son (and vice-versa). Even though my brother carried my mother’s family name, the thought “half-brother” never entered our household. My father did not teach me the best way to be a MAN, but he gave use an insight into family that it seems that a great deal of younger people don’t understand. I look at the family dynamic that is his legacy. Most of us siblings are close to one another. The word “half” is still not used by most of us. My mother has always accepted those that wanted to be accepted, as part of the family. My oldest brother is concidered “THE” oldest brother by all who share in this dynamic. Somehow, all of us have become “bonus” parents to someone’s child. For me this is very necessary as my wife passed away a couple of years ago. My oldest daughter is not my biological daughter. I came into her life when she was ten years old. She never knew her biological father. Needless to say she was treated like excess baggage by her mother’s various “boyfriends” and first husband. We have been close from day one. She has always been my first daughter. I am the only person she has ever honored with the acknowledgment of “This Is My Dad.” Yes, there have been issues. Life is a roller-coaster. We have formed a stronger bond since her mother’s passing. She was worried that I would forsake her and I had the same worries, but fortunately, that is not the case. We are still family. Especially now, when we all needed the healing power of family love. Most of what my father taught me about manhood was how “NOT” to be as a man and a parent, but this, this is the best thing he taught his children. How to be a spouse with someone with “bonus children”. Minority communities have a tendency to have “unique” family dynamics, but we have normally been good at adapting to the situation. Recently, that has changed. We don’t respect the idea of getting married in the first place. We have lost respect for the individual family unit. Worst of all…….”My Baby’s Momma/Daddy”. Those phrases denote lack of relationship beyond egg/sperm donation. The children of said union are therefore normally thrust into the middle of a volatile situation from birth. Since there is no sense of family between the parents, there is normally no sense of the family love and protection afforded to the “traditional” interpretation of family. Having explained what my family situation was like should let see that I understand everyone has different circumstances. I’m talking about our sense of family/community that has been erroding for the last ten to twenty years. The Village that raised the child is being burned to the ground. Family Values was an important part of the Village. We in the Black Community used to always know that family was more about Love and Acceptance than blood flow, since our community was torn asunder with the implementation of slavery. What I see going on around us as a people is very frightening as it pertains to the future of our people. What this topic discusses is just one of many indications of the destruction of Our unique interpretation of family.
I may be the minority but I love being a “stepmom” and I love my “stepchildren”. I dont treat them any differently. My stepson refers to me as his stepmom, when introducing me to his friends or teachers, and I wear the title proudly. When I go to his school for the first time and introduce myself to his teachers, I will proudly, and politely say I am his stepmom. I am often asked if I am his mom, and the truth is, I’m not. He has a mom, I am not that, nor am I trying to be. When somebody asks me how many kids do we have I usually say 3 (including his two sons and the one child we have together). Depending on who the person is I may explain further.
Krishelle, that’s an awesome, balanced perspective!
rrisr3, wow. I could take all day on your comment. Thank you so much for sharing your story!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..The Humble Shall Speak… =-.
The comments are great and they help tremendously. My situations is a bit complex. We have 5 kids in all. One is my biological child and the other 4 kids each have different mothers. It’s been a difficult experience for me because my husband hasn’t always been the most responsible person to his kids or their mothers. As a result I often find myself in the middle of angry moms and confused kids.
I am a good friend and stepmother to the kids but the expectation is for me to step in a be full time mom (and sometimes dad) to each of them and to be honest- it’s not what I want. I KNOW I should have thought about this BEFORE getting married but it’s too late now so I’m working hard to make the best out of my situation.
Each of the 4 mothers are very capable of loving, nurturing, and providing for their kids but they feel like because I’m married to the father, it’s my obligation step in and do whatever it is mom & dad doesn’t feel like doing and often times my own son goes without.
My best friend believes I should see the kids as my kids and that’s it but deep down I don’t want to. Is it wrong to JUST want to be the bonus parent?
I have 3 stepchildren, 20 yr old in college that has lived with us 3yrs and twins 19 in college that have been with us since graduation from high school. I have been with the father for 7 yrs Their father is a good parent, however due to interference from mother they are ungrateful and disrepsect their dad. Their mom is still angry after 8 yrs that the father left and divorced her. She sent the children the day they emancipated from child support and have told the children thier father still owes them. How do you exist in a household where, at this time I am the only one employed and providing for them and watch and listen to the disrespect and say nothing? It kills me.
Thank-you for that!
I, too, have a blended family – my oldest son is technically not mine; but in my heart and behavior he will always be my firstborn. I'm not saying it wasn't difficult in the beginning – his mother abandoned him on our doorstep when he was five and I was completely unprepared for the sacrifices of instant motherhood – but love is a choice, and where the welfare of a child is concerned, your own childishness and selfishness have to be tossed. It infuriates me to watch my sister-in-law treat her step-daughter with the coldness and contempt most couldn't even show to a dog. All children are beloved of God, and all children are a blessing – they must be treated accordingly.
WOW this is such a wonderful topic!
I too have had the priviledge and pleasure of participating in the rearing of my blended children in mariage. I would never use the word STEP because it does send out a negetive expression of loss or unentitlement. So I would always refer to them as My Children, becauseas their caretaker I felt I am mom when they are in my care and they are to be loved no more and no less than my own. I recieved them when they were small 4,6,and 7 so as they grew we all grew as a family together in love with each other, responsible for each other. They’re teenagers now and have grown up beautifully, normal, happy, educated, and secure.