Many people go into marriage believing certain lies and myths. As a result, they are having trouble in their marriages and they are being setup to fail from the get go. In our film, Still Standing, Dr. Johnny C. Parker, Jr. shares some of the common false beliefs, misconceptions, and lies that couples getting married and couples in marriage have embraced.
Marriage Lie – I’ll Change My Spouse ““ Dr. Parker says:
“Don’t go into marriage seeking to do an extreme makeover on your spouse. This causes you to struggle accepting your spouse for who they are versus where YOU want them to be.”
This message is meant for a lot of us. We are out there reading books and going to seminars trying to figure out how we are going to “Change Our Spouse.” When the truth of the matter is, we probably need to be making some of our own changes.
Marriage Lie – We Will Always Have That Loving Feeling – There will be times that you will feel very engaged in an emotional, spiritual, and physical way. But then there will be moments when you don’t feel so engaged. Dr. Parker says that couples that have great and lasting relations recognize this ebb and flow of love. He’s says these couples have figured out that you need to
“Continue to have loving actions, even when loving feelings aren’t present.” When a couple chooses loving actions, often times loving feelings emerge again.”
Amen to that Dr. Parker. We must continue to love our spouse even when the feelings are not there. I think that is so true. If you and your spouse are going through a rough spell, try choosing loving actions. Try doing something nice. You be the change that you want to see in the marriage. Maybe the loving feelings might not re-emerge right away, but give it time. Your spouse will recognize your efforts.
Marriage Lie – I Should Not Have to Make Any Adjustments – No one is perfect. You both married imperfect people. Dr. Parker says that
“When you get married, you go from the island of me to the island of we.”
And in order for you to embrace we over me and truly have more “oneness” and less “me-ness” in marriage, you are going to have deal with your own stuff! Stop looking at what your spouse is doing wrong and focus on the changes that you need to make in order to improve the relationship. That’s good stuff Dr. Parker!!
Marriage Lie – Everyone’s Marriage Seems to Be Better Than Ours – Don’t fall into this comparison lie.
“Everyone’s marriage seems to have it going on except your marriage.”
The truth is, you don’t know what’s going on in their marriage behind closed doors. They could be having world war III in their homes. Dr. Parker warns couples against falling into the trap of thinking great about other couples’ marriages, but then having this negative thinking about your own marriage.
This is great advice coming from Dr. Parker. I personally know couples that put on a great show in public. But act like fools with each other at home (arguing and fussing and disrespecting each other.) Being concerned about what other people have will cause you to not appreciate what you have”....the grass is not always greener!!!
You can find out more about Dr. Parker and his explanation of marital lies in his new book, Renovating Your Marriage Room by Room.
You can also see Dr. Parker explain the marital lies in our new film Still Standing. Coming to Atlanta, GA on September 13. For tickets and info check here.
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I really enjoyed this article, it explained all that I was feeling but not knowing exactly the words. I been married for 16 years and you think it would get easier but it takes more work. I have a great husband. We get along great together, everyday is’nt Sunday but everyday I feel blessed he is in my life!
Thanks Charlesanna. I think Dr. Parker does a great job of capturing many of the lies that cause confusion in a marriage. Marriage is work…but anything worth having is worth working for!! After 16 years of marriage, and you feel blessed…then I say it is definitely worth the effort!!!
I’ve only been married for almost two years but from day one, its been hard work. Thank you for this post!
Thanks for the comment Brenda!! It can be hard in the first years…especially when you are bringing two people together with different backgrounds and different marriage expectations. A couple of things that worked for me are:
1. work on your communication…you have to be able to communicate about the good and the bad, 2. keep things in the proper perspective…a disagreement over who does the chores for instance does not mean your marriage is over, 3. surround yourself with marriage advocates/mentors people that will give you great advice and support for your marriage (sometimes this is not always family.), 4. stay positive
I appreciate your knowledge&Insight it really opened my eyes,ive done some of those things u suggested,now im on the verge of divorce.Due 2 finacial reasons.I love her but im nobody’s doormat
people believe that every married couple fights. and that arguments are a necessary evil. When there is a plan and you follow the plan, there is less need for arguments. When two people believe in win/win the end result will be a new belief about love and marriage. SET the standard don’t just fit the standard!
loved this article such great points.
All great points. Some people feel they will become more financially stable if they get married. The loss of a spouses job can actually make it worse. Just be prepared to stick it out through the good and bad times.
The big one for me is “I will not have to change.” People divorce because they realize to make it work, I have to change. And they quit because they would rather stay in the same spot without any self -evaluation. And it’s easier to blame the other person.