by Harriet Hairston
Embellishments…exaggerations…stretching the truth…whatever you want to call it, if it’s not the truth, it has no place within the confines of a marriage or any lasting relationship. In fact, I would venture to say that secrets and lies are the two hidden horsemen that spell out doom for a relationship once the funk hits the fan.
Dishonesty shows itself in so many forms. Gary Richmond and Lisa Bode outlined most of those forms in their book, “An Ounce of Prevention: Divorce Proofing Your Marriage.” They effectively remove from individuals any excuses they might have to continue lying to anyone…even themselves:
1. Extreme exaggeration: this warps perspective. It makes something larger or smaller; more or less important than it ought to be.
2. Delusions of grandeur: feeling the need to say something about yourself that’s not true in order to gain equal footing. Many people find themselves doing this to get a job.
3. Cover up: co-conspiracy…when someone you know asks you to co-sign with a lie they’ve told.
4. White lies: the first step in a downward spiral.
5. Lying for profit: i.e. on taxes
6. Promises, promises: not keeping your word.
The bottom line is that we’ve all been guilty of one or more of these types of lies at some point in our lives. If you say you haven’t, then you’re lying now. LOL
My former pastor from when I was stationed in Fort Walton Beach, FL used to always make the following statement:
“Any misrepresentation of the truth in WORD or DEED is a LIE.” ~ Pastor Larry Boldin.
That pretty much removes from all of us whatever excuses (which should be added to the above list as a form of a lie, because we use them to express an inability to do something we’re quite capable of doing) we come up with to justify our misrepresentation of the buck naked truth.
Tad Williams once said, “We tell lies when we are afraid…afraid of what we don’t know, of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.”
Especially in our intimate relationships, why should we be afraid of what we don’t know? Of what our spouse will think? And why in the world would we do something that would give cause for alarm if our spouse found out about it? We have to stop multiplying the strength of our fears and tell the honest to God truth…to both ourselves and our loved ones.
BMWK, how have “misrepresentations of the truth” affected your relationships?
God bless!
Harriet
Ooh…GOOD ONE! Love this post, for real…my first marriage ended because of these ‘misrepresentations of the truth’…flat out LIES. Once you lie / withhold information / prevaricate / shade / hide / omit / edit / obfuscate / muddy the water or any of the other synonyms of “lie” you break the trust that is necessary for a truly wonderful relationship. It makes your partner look askance at anything you say on the subject from that point forward, and if you do it a LOT, they will doubt WHATEVER you say about ANY subject.
I am working very hard NOT to do any of these – even if the truth hurts, I’m going to tell it. Not in a harsh or damaging way – unless that’s what is needed – but in such a way that the reciever will actually HEAR the message and perhaps change their ways or help me to change mine.
In a PERFECT world…
I am struggling (seemingly against all tides, currents, riptides, tall waves–name an obstacle) to stay married to my husband, even though I either outrightly distrust any word he says (which hurts him deeply and feels like I’m throwing the past back in his face) or I turn a blind eye and pretend to believe him. My family and friends worry for my safety, because they know he’s lied to me since before we met (we started corresponding online). Needless to say, he’s never stopped lying. It’ll be a month later and he’ll reveal that something he said a month ago was a lie he told because he was afraid or wanted me to feel better or believed he could ‘make come true’. For the most part I try to black that part of my consciousness out and focus on the surface–because on the surface it looks like a perfectly normal marriage and family life. But whenever these thoughts rise to the surface, I feel scared for my safety, I feel convinced he’ll never stop lying (I’ve since stopped believing he lies because of me or that I can help him to stop) and I feel like I’m sleeping next to a stranger every night. He could at this moment be legally married to someone else, or could’ve killed his whole family in cold blood at the age of 13 and walked away, and I would never know. There are very few things that he’s ever told me that as ever checked out. And I have yet to meet a blood relative–or anybody–that can back up his stories. He fell out of the sky into my life and he’s determined to make sure I never know what happened from the day of his birth to the day we met—and even the days since we met are a mystery. I don’t even know if his name is his real name… Sounds bad. But most days I can lock all these thoughts and feelings up in a closet of my heart and be VERY happy with what we’ve got. Now if only I knew for sure it wasn’t a sham…
That actually happened to one of my relatives long before internet dating was out (they were pen pals). Long story short, she saw the light and divorced his butt. She did a great job of raising her two children on her own, too.
I met my husband on the internet, but he was so brutally honest about EVERYTHING when we met, it was hard NOT to trust him. He told me the good, bad and ugly from the get go!
All that said, I don’t think it’s healthy to “turn a blind eye” to the red flags you’re experiencing. Those thoughts are there for a reason, and to prolong acting on your suspicions could be detrimental to your health.
Find out the truth, and it’ll make you free. Whether that truth will keep you married or not, IDK…but at least you’ll be working with all the information.
This is deep! Bwt, I love the way you write; please write a book…
Thanks, Curious! I actually have written a book. You can find it at http://www.createspace.com/3430012. It’s entitled, “Who Are You?”
This article is so on point!! I thought it was just me who thought that you should be honest all the time. If with no one else, at least with your spouse!! I happen to be married to someone who thinks that with holding information is not the same as lying. The bad thing is, the kids see his behavior and think that it is okay to be dishonest. Of course this makes my job as a mother so much more harder. I constantly instill in them the value of being honest and the value of keeping your word. Your word and your integrity is your most valuable possession. I seem to have gotten through to the 2 younger ones, but the older one is still trying to figure how he can get over on people. It’s like a battle between good and evil with him. I’ll give him credit because he does try. In fact, he has gotten so much better. (Thank you Lord for hearing my prayers!) Now back to my husband. What is the best way to get through to him?? The latest thing? He claimed to have cleaned up the basement, but come to find out the kids cleaned it. When I confront him, he thinks it’s funny. Or should I say his excuse is…”I supervised!” REALLY!!!! I’m just so disgusted by him because I can’t believe ANYTHING that comes out of his mouth. He lies even about the silliest things, what am I to do????
Well sis, if you can’t beat ’em…
Just kidding!!!! Jokes, jokes!
However, before I attempt to answer your question, I have two questions of my own: 1) how often does the hubster use humor when you confront him? 2) Is it possible you’re taking some things too seriously?
I ask because I’ve been watching all the episodes of the Cosby Show lately, and what you described was Cliff Huxtable’s MO…the man was always lying about one thing or another! LOL Although it was hilarious on TV, I can definitely understand why it would be frustrating in real life.
So, here’s what I would suggest:
1. Keep praying! That’s working out in your favor! I have to quote my man Norman Vincent Peale on this one: “Prayer doesn’t always change things for us, but it changes us for things.” Before you put the hubster on the altar, put you there and look at how you respond to him.
2. Choose your battles wisely. Otherwise you’ll find yourself stressed and upset over minute issues.
I’m going to have to refer to a book I read about 10 Lessons that can Transform Your Marriage by John and Julie Gottman:
3. Tell your husband what you want rather than what you DON’T want in communication. For example, instead of saying (with hand on hip and neck on roll), “I’ma need you to stop lying to me,” try, “It really makes me love you deeply when you’re honest with me.”
4. Respond to each other with open ended questions: don’t react defensively and don’t jump in by stating your own needs when your spouse is talking.
5. Express appreciation to your spouse for what he IS doing right, and thank him for listening to you. Yes, I used to be of the belief that I shouldn’t have to give away any cookies for someone doing what they’re SUPPOSED to be doing, but a little appreciation goes a long way.
Be blessed!
Ok Harriet, I’m willing to try it!! I admit that lately I have been upset and stressed. I do get upset over everything now, but it’s just because I have been dealing with this for over 14 years. And yes, when I confront him, Hubster uses humor all the time. That is until he knows he is busted and can’t find a way out, then he gets angry and starts with the yelling and name calling. We have been married 14 years in June and I’ll say 13.5 of those years have been spent arguing. I guess I have built up a wall and definitely NEED to put ME on the altar. I find that I spend more time counting down the time before the kids go off to college (my deadline for staying), rather than counting down so we can have time together. It’s not just the lying, it a combination of a lot of things, But lying is the biggest part. I will try what you suggested and keep praying!! On my way to get that book right now!! KEEP ME IN YOUR PRAYERS!! God bless!!
It’s so disheartening to stumble upon a blog comment that my wife wrote, in reference to my lies. And it’s even more disheartening to have to sit here and deal with the fact that she left me just days after she posted her comment here. Nevertheless, her leaving was the most intense wake-up call ever! I had to face the truth about the man, the liar, I’d come to be. Then I had to seek some true help.
That was almost two months ago. Personal therapy is progressing and I’m learning how to employ different tools rather than resort to telling a lie. The entire process has been like a disease and/or addiction–and has to be dealt with in the same manner. But I have to admit (wow, this is hard), my wife did the right thing by leaving me. Maybe one day we…..well, let me just say that I wish her well. I poured 25 years into becoming a liar. I still have a long way to go to reverse all those patterns learned. Pray for her. Pray for me.