I couldn’t believe it happened to me. My first heartbreak came from a man of God. He was actually the son of a preacher, with aspirations to lead his own flock one day. Out of all the silly, mediocre relationships I’d been in that amounted to nothing, I just knew I hit the jackpot when I started dating my man of God. I just knew we’d get married and live happily ever after. Why? Because, he was a Christian man. He wouldn’t leave me. He wouldn’t break my heart. Blah blah, blah… I can’t decide what hurt me the most: the fact that he chose another woman over me, or the fact that a man of God actually broke my heart.
As I write this post, I’m struggling with what NOT to say, but it must be said. Some (huge emphasis on some) Christian men have done a terrible job on helping guard the hearts of their sister’s in the church. I’ve seen it, up close and personal. I’ve experienced it. I’ve seen men almost go through entire congregations and friendship circles, in an effort to find their wife. In some cases, I’ve seen men go so far as to proposing to a woman, have her uproot her entire life to be with him, only to say, “Oops, God said you’re not the one.”
God said. Now let’s repeat it in the form of a question, God said? I too, was hit with the “God said you’re not my wife” line. It even happened during the middle of a date. That line always confused me, because if these men were listening to God to hear him say I wasn’t the one, then how come they didn’t hear God tell them not to approach me in the first place? Unsolved mysteries right?
Before you guys begin to label me as a “Bitter Black Woman”, please know that I’m not. I’m now married to the man of my dreams. God knows I’m not trying to place all the blame on men, but it took me being pursued by my husband, to realize the huge responsibility men in the church have. The ball is ALWAYS in their court.
He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
HE who finds a wife. Not SHE who finds a husband. At times, this was the hardest part about being single. I had to wait for my husband to find me. I don’t believe in women pursuing men, so when I would be approached by Christian men, I took it extremely serious. Why? I assumed these men were looking for their wife, and had taken the time to talk to God about me, before their initial approach. Boy was I wrong, on too many occasions. And because the bible says we are fearfully & wonderfully made, and made in the image of God, I assumed Christian men had this in mind when approaching women in the church. Why was I so naive? After 2 heartbreaks and a few disappointments along my love life journey, I came to the conclusion that I was to guard my own heart with diligence, like a lion (Proverbs 4:23). Depending on the integrity of some of my Christian brothers had become a detriment to my well-being.
As I stated earlier, I’m now married to the love of my life (THANK GOD), however, I’m still unfortunately witnessing this vicious cycle continue. Christian man meets Christian woman. He pursues woman. They become the new cute couple. Everyone just KNOWS they’re going to get married one day. And… it’s over. Nine times out of ten, the woman along with her friends is left scratching her head, wondering what in the world happened? Or in my case, crying her eyes out, and blaming herself for another failed relationship. Who’s to blame?
If you ask me, I blame the men for quickly jumping into relationships as a way to hydrate their thirstiness, failing to ask themselves “Is this my life partner?”, and wait for God to answer. However, on the other hand, I can’t help but to wonder if us as women have done a poor job at guarding our hearts. It can be hard to find a good man in the church, so the temptation is real when one begins to show a hint of interest, which may sometimes cloud our judgement. I also believe since there’s no specific outline on how to date in the Bible, some of us are just out here winging it.
At the end of the day, all hope is not lost. I’ve been fortunate to be pursued the RIGHT way, by the man God had for me. I witnessed my brother beautifully pursue his wife. Before they entered into a relationship, my brother was taking action by being in prayer for months about his future wife, THEN he pursued her. I’m also beginning to see more women be intentional about guarding their heart. We also must be mindful not to expect too much from humans. A Christian man at the end of the day is still a man, in flesh, who isn’t perfect. One step at a time, right?
BMWK What do you think? Do men in the church need to be more mindful when it comes to dating?
Great Article!
As you stated, A Christian man at the end of the day is still a man, in flesh, who isn’t perfect, so women have to guard their hearts before going into a relationship without truly knowing the man’s intentions.
I love this article. over the years I have realized that every Christian is not for every Christian . It has taken me much prayer and I do mean a lot ,of getting in God’s face so that I wont look at every Christian man who approaches me as my Boaz ! Some men are simply my bros in Christ .I know so many Christian single women can get caught up in the “what-ifs” when approached by a Christian man especially if he is FINE!( some women think “for me Jesus?”). I think Christian men should take that approach as well and realize no matter how spiritual, FINE, or good of a person she it does not mean that’s “the one” God has for you. All need to seek God first.
This article is great. However, the main Playaz that I’ve met were men in the Church! These were the types that constantly talked out of the Bible, worked on Church boards, but would demand sex on the first “hang out” and would refuse to take any woman on an official date without her giving it up first. They would say that it is not necessarily Biblical to wait and would use the fact that there are no dating instructions in the Bible as and excuse for man sharing or to not be monogamous. I finally beat this and still came out on top by as a virgin dating a Christian man that does not belong to a Church and was not raised with Black people in a Black Church – thus, he just reads the Bible without all of the personal excuses to do wrong being injected. Still, I get a lot of Christian Black men being upset that I have a man that does not push for sex first and constantly trying to tell me that they can be better than him. Ridiculous!
Glad things worked out for you!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ARTICLE!!! I’m telling you my God is awesome, he placing things in your midst just so that you can see. However I wish that this article would have hit me about 4 months ago. I met a man he pursued me, wined and dined me. Introduced me to his family and vice versa. Things were going great first two months in…. He’s a minister looking for his own church home, I am also a a deaconess at my church and play many roles as a church leader. I just knew this was a match. I prayed on it all the time. Saw some signs but figured nobody is perfect mentality. After three months in…He started to act “funny” smh. I couldnt figure out why, so like the women we are I tried talking to him, being overly nice, being the supporter by hearing his sermons when he preached so on… He later in a phone conversation stated that he wasnt ready for a relationship… OH HERE WE GO…the I’m not ready speech… Long story short I also work with this man… Hardest test in my life right now… But like you said christian men are just “men”. Guard your heart is key!… Thanks for this wonderful read!!!
I totally agree with your comment. Yes, it’s fine to date to get to know people, but when you start to mix in pre-sex and feelings in a ‘lationship’, that’s when the ‘complications’ comes in and the same Mr. Wonderful from 6 months ago starts to rethink if he wants to further the ‘lationship’. I’m totally for marriage and commend you for sticking to your beliefs and abstaining.
Excellent advice. Thanks to one of your older articles, I have done a much better job of guarding my heart!
I like this! It gives me more depth/ knowledge how to be more careful in dealing with Christian women as I already try the hardest to be while I’m dating. I’m gonna have to examine myself more thoroughly to make sure I’m not the first brother and more of the latter. Thanks
Hi Nikki: A great & on time article!
Great article. …I always felt that the church and pastors, in general should have now ministries that target men. They should know their role as Godly men. I’ve been in your situation, so i know the game they run. I’m glad you got your husband, but a lot of women like myself are still waiting.
Everything in the minustry is about what women should and should not do, which is fine. But ultimately, you have a bunch of Godly women and Christian men. Godly vs Christian. …the two are different.
So true at godly women vs Christian men. Who is mentoring the men, everyone has a list of what a woman should do it not do.
What about online dating? Would that still be considered as pursuing a guy?
As a divorced single mom approaching 40, praying for a christ centered relationship/marriage, I have recently spent a lot of time reading a lot about the difference between dating & courtship. Courtship is dating with the intent of marriage. It is the couple spending time together to see if they are compatible mates. Maybe God saying, he/she “could be” the one. If this courtship doesn’t end in marriage, no true loss… you just keep saving yourself for the one you truly deserve & truly deserves you.
Coming from a non-Christian background & dating as if I was already married (fornicating), this new way of being is such a protective factor & such a relief! Rejection is always difficult but at least you leave with you soul in tact.
When we ladies get involved with a man physically hoping he will marry us, it complicates things & clouds our judgement. Once the man either gets bored with the relationship or wants to pursue other options, the woman is left broken-hearted. There is a reason God said No, to formication, & preserved sex for marriage. He knows the pain & hurt both men & women endure when they engage in premarital sex with no commitment of a covenant relationship(marriage). Also, men hurt too when they hook up with women who use them for personal gain, it works both ways!
Same thing happened to me. He told me “God changed his mind about me and you”. Am like you dont have to lie about God to end a relationship with me. I was very hurt and ofcourse the whole church was hurt too because everyone was expecting us to end up together. He moved on and met someone else hes getting married to. I hate that i now have to attend church with him and his new wife. Well as you say, i have to guard my heart because no matter how much of a christian a man his, he’s still a man. He’s not perfect and i should not expect perfection. Still waiting on my own God sent man.
I feel what you are saying. It is so painful to see someone who you have been with marry another and still is in the same environment as you are. I just pray I won’t have to go through such again.
This is the mistake most of us women have as we believe Christian men should have a different formula when it comes to dating. The whole point of dating is to know if you a compatible with someone or not. If you are not compatible, one party should be strong enough to call it quits. That is THE CHRISTIAN thing to do. Honesty is the best policy. We seem to expect the ‘good’ christian brothers to get through life enduring and forcing themselves on someone they do not think they are on the same wavelength with. We know this is not right, yet our actions/expectations expresses otherwise.
If he hadn’t broken your heart, then you would not have met the love of your life and might be stuck in a loveless marriage. I have had my heart broken by a man who happened to be a christian but I did not feel His love for God had anything to do with the heartbreak I felt. Now [thanks to social media], I am married and so is he, I see the choices he makes, moral ones mind you, but I would not make them and would not want the head of my home making those.
Perhaps the culture of the church needs to change so that men would not feel the need to put the blame on God for breakups but trust that women are educated and enlightened enough to know and act like dating is to find out if you are compatible and either party may not always be happy with the result of that lesson.
Thanks for this article, really put some things into perspective for me as a woman trying to be a better christian, You finding your husband gives us all hope!
Thank you for writing this. I’m full blown in the middle of my heart crushing breakup with a man of God. He has is BA in theology and thinks he’s going to be a preacher one day. There will be red flags that I feel God was showing me. I didn’t listen and I’m taking this breakup HARD. Men in the church absolutely have an obligation to protect our hearts.. to the detriment of min.. was with a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Thank you for that article. This is my first christian relationship with a young man who ministers at my church, but what i expected was so not what i was getting; like most of the people who have commented said, they are humans and the do human things, but to me a man of God is suppose to separated from the men of the world; putting of that old man, that old mind set amd being renewed; the must be a separation. Mine had mutiple relationships promising marriages to good christian women and breaking their hearts and having sex with them and im now finding out and the lies never stops, and to him hes the victim. Ive now walked away from this relationship praying that God changes this young man.for his own good. But as for me iv come to a place where i perfer to be single and to continue going after the things of God..