I couldn’t believe it happened to me. My first heartbreak came from a man of God. He was actually the son of a preacher, with aspirations to lead his own flock one day. Out of all the silly, mediocre relationships I’d been in that amounted to nothing, I just knew I hit the jackpot when I started dating my man of God. I just knew we’d get married and live happily ever after. Why? Because, he was a Christian man. He wouldn’t leave me. He wouldn’t break my heart. Blah blah, blah… I can’t decide what hurt me the most: the fact that he chose another woman over me, or the fact that a man of God actually broke my heart.
As I write this post, I’m struggling with what NOT to say, but it must be said. Some (huge emphasis on some) Christian men have done a terrible job on helping guard the hearts of their sister’s in the church. I’ve seen it, up close and personal. I’ve experienced it. I’ve seen men almost go through entire congregations and friendship circles, in an effort to find their wife. In some cases, I’ve seen men go so far as to proposing to a woman, have her uproot her entire life to be with him, only to say, “Oops, God said you’re not the one.”
God said. Now let’s repeat it in the form of a question, God said? I too, was hit with the “God said you’re not my wife” line. It even happened during the middle of a date. That line always confused me, because if these men were listening to God to hear him say I wasn’t the one, then how come they didn’t hear God tell them not to approach me in the first place? Unsolved mysteries right?
Before you guys begin to label me as a “Bitter Black Woman”, please know that I’m not. I’m now married to the man of my dreams. God knows I’m not trying to place all the blame on men, but it took me being pursued by my husband, to realize the huge responsibility men in the church have. The ball is ALWAYS in their court.
He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
HE who finds a wife. Not SHE who finds a husband. At times, this was the hardest part about being single. I had to wait for my husband to find me. I don’t believe in women pursuing men, so when I would be approached by Christian men, I took it extremely serious. Why? I assumed these men were looking for their wife, and had taken the time to talk to God about me, before their initial approach. Boy was I wrong, on too many occasions. And because the bible says we are fearfully & wonderfully made, and made in the image of God, I assumed Christian men had this in mind when approaching women in the church. Why was I so naive? After 2 heartbreaks and a few disappointments along my love life journey, I came to the conclusion that I was to guard my own heart with diligence, like a lion (Proverbs 4:23). Depending on the integrity of some of my Christian brothers had become a detriment to my well-being.
As I stated earlier, I’m now married to the love of my life (THANK GOD), however, I’m still unfortunately witnessing this vicious cycle continue. Christian man meets Christian woman. He pursues woman. They become the new cute couple. Everyone just KNOWS they’re going to get married one day. And… it’s over. Nine times out of ten, the woman along with her friends is left scratching her head, wondering what in the world happened? Or in my case, crying her eyes out, and blaming herself for another failed relationship. Who’s to blame?
If you ask me, I blame the men for quickly jumping into relationships as a way to hydrate their thirstiness, failing to ask themselves “Is this my life partner?”, and wait for God to answer. However, on the other hand, I can’t help but to wonder if us as women have done a poor job at guarding our hearts. It can be hard to find a good man in the church, so the temptation is real when one begins to show a hint of interest, which may sometimes cloud our judgement. I also believe since there’s no specific outline on how to date in the Bible, some of us are just out here winging it.
At the end of the day, all hope is not lost. I’ve been fortunate to be pursued the RIGHT way, by the man God had for me. I witnessed my brother beautifully pursue his wife. Before they entered into a relationship, my brother was taking action by being in prayer for months about his future wife, THEN he pursued her. I’m also beginning to see more women be intentional about guarding their heart. We also must be mindful not to expect too much from humans. A Christian man at the end of the day is still a man, in flesh, who isn’t perfect. One step at a time, right?
BMWK What do you think? Do men in the church need to be more mindful when it comes to dating?