By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
One of the main ingredients in my marriage is friendship. I’ve found that being in love and possessing a true friendship with your spouse makes for a great relationship. Thinking of how we normally build our friendships, I wonder why more of us don’t create marriages that include these same qualities. The relationships you have developed with your friends can easily translate into your marriage.
Friends confide in and trust one another. In a marriage, we must be able to completely trust the person we vowed to spend our lives with. Spouses have to build a safety net that allows each partner the space to always be who they truly are without fear of judgment or rejection.
Friends defend one another. There should never be a time, in our marriage, when we allow others to disrespect our spouses. When the world tears us down, there is no greater feeling than that of knowing your spouse has your back at all costs.
Friends are cheerleaders for one another. Spouses are supposed to make it all better. Being there when times are challenging comes with the marriage territory.
Friends calm each other down. At any given time, our spouse should be our voice of reason in times of stress. Our spouses should know the soothing words and actions we require to get us back to a place of calm.
Friends make time to have fun with one another. We often get excited about the idea of girls’ night or hanging out with the guys, what if we created couples’ night and added the same mixture of energy and time into one another.
Friends desire to see the other happy. While we cannot complete one another, we can most certainly add to the lives of our spouses. Our goal should be relieving stress and bringing more joy. With that in mind, we should never intentionally do things that will hurt our spouse. If our ultimate goal is to add to their happiness, our actions will reflect that goal.
Friends listen to one another. When we aren’t as tied to having our say or making sure our point is received and truly being open to hearing what our spouse is saying, there will be improvement in the marriage.
Friends support each other’s dreams. As our friends support us, we have to encourage our spouses in moving forward in their dreams and goals. Being surrounded by a circle of support will empower anyone to pursue the desires of their heart.
Maintaining the “friend” part of a marriage ensures its health. A healthy balance in any marriage is to build the friendship in addition to the romance.
BMWK, how is the “friend” part of your marriage?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
Most times, my husband is the only friend I truly have!
Roni, I feel you on that one!
Love! Love this writing! To me friendship is the most important part of marriage. Even if the “in love” dies, you still have a friend. If you can’t have sex, you still have a friend. If your girlfriends trip, you still have a friend. My husband considers me to be his bestfriend. I never looked at him that way, because my parents never considered each other to be best friends. After 11 years of marriage, I can truly say he is by far my best friend and the closest person to me besides God! I love our friendship and we can talk about anything. So, to me in order to have a marriage, you better have a friendship. I’ve seen marriages without friendship and there are using hidden secrets and a lack of communication. Of course, this is just my opinion and friendship has worked for me! I personally believe friendship is what helps us to to say in love and keep the fire burning. Because if there is an issue in any area we can discuss them without arguing. So, friendship can help in all areas of your relationship. http://www.lashondanicole.blogspot.com
thank you. First Lady, I totally agree.
Your welcome!
So so true FirsladyShonda! My marriage is one of those you described with hidden secrets and a lack of communication. I’m waiting with expectancy for what God will do in my marriage. I’m willing, I’m yielding, and I’m trusting that the change will come. Thanks for your words!
How crazy is it to go to bed and wake up, and just plain share the same space and not be friends? I just don’t want to spend that much time with someone who ain’t my best friend.
Good post.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
yes sir…
so true!
WOW! I love that this agreeing sentiment came from a guy! That’s encouraging for a wife to hear whose marriage does not share that friendship bond. Thank God for husbands like you! Your wife is blessed!
WOW! I love that this agreeing sentiment came from a guy! That’s encouraging for a wife to hear whose marriage does not share that friendship bond. Thank God for husbands like you! Your wife is blessed!
This was a great post! Thank you so much…spoke deeply to me…
Thank you!
Awesome post!! It seems to get overlooked when the day to day takes over. But, friendship is truly what will bond husband and wife.
amen!
Great article- I was discussing this topic with someone just last night! It’s amazing that people treat relationships as separate from a friendship (e.g., don’t apply these same qualities when looking for a spouse).
Thanks. So many couples forget to be friends and that’s why our relationships suffer.
How do you make yourselves better friends? Is that possible? Like, I understand finding projects to do together or business together, but what if that’s not possible for a couple.
JF, yes it’s possible. Both partners have to be willing to sacrifice, put aside their own personal needs and begin to bring those of their spouse to the forefront. It’s not always easy to do, but it makes a difference. It’s about doing more giving than taking always and it’s never too late to create/improve your friendship.
Agreed Tiya, but the key in what you’ve stated is that “BOTH partners have to be willing” …. beyond just words, and that’s often the difficult part. I know it is in my marriage. 🙁
Agreed Tiya, but the key in what you’ve stated is that “BOTH partners have to be willing” …. beyond just words, and that’s often the difficult part. I know it is in my marriage. 🙁
Agreed Tiya, but the key in what you’ve stated is that “BOTH partners have to be willing” …. beyond just words, and that’s often the difficult part. I know it is in my marriage. 🙁
This is absolutely true.. Part of the issues we have in marriages today is that partners are not friends. He has his boys and she has her girls.. We all need the some sense of socialization outside of our marriage but it should not be placed above the importance given to our partners or the support mechanism the marriage is intended to be. Wonderful peace
I always felt that the friendship part was present in my marriage. It’s the staying in love part that seemed to leave. I agree that having that one person who knows you better than anyone, the one person that you can confide in and who you can be yourself with is the best part of marriage.
We don’t wake up and say “Am I in love with my spouse today”? We may not like something a spouse has done, or said. It does not mean we hate them. Being in love is not necessarily a everyday “thought”. Loving unconditionally is a blessing, a given. If one truly loves another it can’t be tuned on and off like a light switch to fit a daily mood. Either you are in love, or you are not. Loving is not instant, there is a process that the brain and the heart connects with. Right now I am in love with my husband. Tomorrow is another day and I might get mad if he forgets to take out the trash, does that mean I am no longer to be in love with him? Nope.
We don’t wake up and say “Am I in love with my spouse today”? We may not like something a spouse has done, or said. It does not mean we hate them. Being in love is not necessarily a everyday “thought”. Loving unconditionally is a blessing, a given. If one truly loves another it can’t be tuned on and off like a light switch to fit a daily mood. Either you are in love, or you are not. Loving is not instant, there is a process that the brain and the heart connects with. Right now I am in love with my husband. Tomorrow is another day and I might get mad if he forgets to take out the trash, does that mean I am no longer to be in love with him? Nope.
I just love this post! These are actually THE KEYS to a great marriage and I really don’t think it’s possible to have one without them. Such a great post! This one’s definitely going in the safe for further reading! =)
Thank you Chantilly!
my husband i were friends first and it developed into a relationship and hopefully it will continue to blossom in our marriage. i look to him as my best friend, he is second only to God.
best article i have read thus far… HUGE element. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone I don’t even treat like a friend.
let the church say amen
Very Well Said i am not yet married, but in my Relationship i know and believe it good to build that friendship line. Cheers