I hope that just because you’re in a blended family that you never have to experience the Grinch during Christmas, AKA your mother-in-law. All mother-in-laws are not bad. I’m grateful to The Most High that I have a wonderful relationship with mine. But several of my friends, ummmm…not so much.
Imagine this: Your mother-in-law walks in to your house on Christmas morning saying hello to your husband and children, greeting them with warm hugs and kisses. She looks over at you and your children (her step-children), and if English wasn’t your first language, you would not be able to make out the word, “Hello”, let alone “Merry Christmas”. In her hand, she has Nordstrom bags full of expensive clothes and lavish gifts for your husband and her grandkids. She hands you a CVS bag full of cheap perfume and under-aged toys for your kids – everything still sporting price tags. What would you do?
Here’s another one: Your mother-in-law sits down at Christmas Dinner – the dinner that you slaved over for two days. Throughout the entire dinner, she’s complaining that the greens are too salty, the macaroni and cheese tastes “store-bought” and asking what’s wrong with the cornbread. After critiquing your food, she critiques your Christmas decor and loudly declares that you have gained a lot of weight. What would you do?
Last one: At family Christmas brunch, your mother-in-law asks for all of “her kids and grandkids” to come together for a family photo. Your two excited and innocent children head straight for the photo opp and you see your mother-in-law motioning to you and your children to “Please wait.” What would you do?
We’ve all heard horror stories of mother-in-laws that never accept their sons’ choice for a spouse. But when there are (grand)children involved, you should always use discretion and not be hurtful.
Being in a blended family is hard enough as it is, but when you have other people that are causing more of a divide in your house, as well as in your family, things can really become emotional. Tempers will surely flare up, especially when it comes to a protective mother who never wants to see her children get hurt.
Now, we all know that when you get married, you’re supposed to leave your mother and cleave to your spouse, so that’s where your loyalty should lie. You don’t have to disrespect your mother by asking her not to disrespect your house and your family. Everybody won’t get along all the time. But when you make a blatant and outright differentiation between children and step-children, what are they supposed to do? How are they supposed to process these actions? What lessons are they taking from that experience?
I believe everyone deserves a chance. In some cases, I’ve even been known to use the “three strike” rule, but when it comes to my kids, you only get one. My mother-in-law doesn’t have to like me, but she at least needs to respect our home and that includes ME AND MY CHILDREN! It really shouldn’t be that tough of a decision for a grown son to “politely check” his mother, but for some reason, this is tougher than you think. As a daughter-in-law, it’s so easy to react and deal with your mother-in-law, but as they say, two wrongs don’t make a right. Who knows? If we pray about it, open up the lines of communication, and handle it all with class, this could be what it takes to break the ice.
Every situation is different. There are no instructions, but several questions to consider. You know your situation and know if you should probably go through your husband first, or if you should handle it woman to woman. As with any situation, you have to handle them with care, and think long-term, because whether you like it or not, she’s family. So, in the meantime, the easiest thing to do is make sure the collard greens and mac and cheese are on point, and pull out all the stops on that pound cake!
BMWK – how do you set boundaries with your in-laws? If you have dealt with a situation where your in-laws did not accept your children, what did you do?
Great article… First and foremost it is for the husband to handle his mother because in the end, she is still HIS mother. It may be necessary that you remind your husband that you are ALREADY his wife, not the girlfriend trying to get in good with the family. Also there is no need for the wife to be disrespectful to his mother… Woman to Woman, you draw your line in the sand. As the wife, you let it be known that first you WILL be respected and 2nd foolishness will not be tolerated. You set the standard for how you are to be treated…it shouldn’t matter that it is his mother. Be a woman and command your respect. Let it be known that it is YOUR HOUSE and there is but one queen on the premises…and when you are at her home, render that same respect. If you feel disrespected, wrap up the event and remove yourself. No need for drama and no need to be petty. She doesn’t have to like you…but you set the tone for whether or not you are respected.
As for your children, you should NEVER allow your children to feel unwelcomed… If his momma lacks manners, you don’t subject your children to that. Everyone is dealt with fairly or NOT AT ALL!!! As an adult you are in control of that as well…
Eff that. If hubby doesn’t check the MIL, damn sure I will.
To hell with trying to keep the “peace.”
Thank God I have the best MIL in the world.
My situation is out there! I’ve been with my childhood sweetheart for 27 years and 22 years married. We have two children together and we are not a blended family but my mother n law never accepted me therefore the rest of the family kind of followed suite. They do not have a relationship with me or our children. However I’m writing to agree with it is a very tough pill for the man to take charge and check his mom. I would say that is indeed the only way it should go though. It is his duty to protect and cherish his wife and his castle (kids). My husband tried talking to his mom but nothing never changed therefore the disrespect continued and I then decided I would NOT deal with them period. I do not wish this type of dysfunction on no one because it is and will remain taxing on my marriage. How do I deal with my husband failing to protect my heart? Welll I will answer that for you all “prayer”.
Don’t take the in law drama for granted for it will destroy a marriage.
Best Wishes
I have to say that having a rough relationship with my inlaws has been a huge stressor on my marriage. It’s only been recently that my husband has begun to protect my heart and to back me in dealing with some disrespect that I’ve been receiving. And now, I am trying desperately to not be THAT MIL to my daughter’s husband or my son’s long term girlfriend. It’s a narrow path, for certain but with prayer, I’m hoping to be a family where everyone feels respected and honored. That’s probably never going to happen for me and my inlaws but I can learn from all of that. Thanks for your post!
This one’s easy. If a man will not stand up to his emotionally abusive family, it will only get worse, and more complicated over time. Hopefully you look for this while dating, and RUN from the relationship if he’s not doing his job to protect you.
My motherinlaw is very disrespectful too me and my children, and they are her blood! She adores her other grandson and lets it be know. My children 5 and 3 are very loving kids they also love to play. My husband and I were in a tight spot. He had lost his job and it was December, at the same time his mom was going through a bad time and lost her home. We invited her to stay with us bc we didn’t want her on the streets. She came to stay and the kids were happy bc they would have her to their selves, when she came in our nephew was right there! She said he wanted to stay with me to night, didn’t think u would mind. Well a night turned into a few nights and that turned into a month! (If my husband said anything, she would say son u know how he is and he don’t like staying with is parents) mind u this child is 6. Anyway in that time, here are a few things she did and said to my kids! My child was jumping on her bed with our nephew, she yells at my child and asks nephew to please stop and be a good boy. Next it is my child’s birthday, she gets her nothing, then a few days later its his birthday she buys him a couple toys and a cute card.Christmas comes and same thing! Mind u she is staying at MY house. It is not the money or the toys, I don’t get for one and not all, or at least not do stuff like that when they are all there! My husband finally said something and she flat out said we were jealous!!