One of the major issues couples typically complain about is communication. Everyone knows men and women have very different communication styles. It’s still obvious that women are from Venus and men are from Mars and that we all speak different love languages. Quite naturally this causes confusion.
While women are sometimes the initiators and are naturally more prone to communicate with their partner, there still appears to be a disconnect in what we sometimes communicate about. Men, although they may be open to listening, aren’t usually eager to ask more clarifying questions to ensure they have the best understanding or interpretation of our words.
Some women are quick to share the wordy details of the workday and what the bestie did to hurt their feelings. However, some occasionally seem to still struggle in this one area. The one area, that one lie some women are still telling is…
“Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine”
When clearly, the majority of times we are asked what’s wrong, we are either frustrated, offended or disappointed by something our spouse said, did or didn’t do.
Our mouth is telling one story, while our silence, eye rolling, folded arms and pursed lips are telling a completely different one. Believe it or not, the men in our lives know better. They know us and can easily tell when a mood has changed. We strip them of their protective, problem-solving powers when we keep our true concerns hidden. It also makes it very difficult to have an honest conversation and obtain the results we’re seeking.
Most women tell this particular lie because we feel as though our partner should automatically know what’s bothering us. Some of us think the connection should be that strong, that without us ever saying a word, our mate should not only know the issue, but promptly apologize for it too.
The truth is, men need clarity. As obvious as it may seem, they need to hear the specifics of what’s really upsetting us. They also need to understand why, whatever it was, bothered us the way it did. The last piece is critical, as it may not seem like a big deal to them. If it is to you, you must share. People, in general, can receive information easier when the “why” is explained thoroughly.
Ladies, we have to be willing to discuss our needs and not leave our partner guessing. Effective communication means just that, it’s effective. It generates positive results and allows both partners the opportunity to be on the same page.
With all of that being said, I do, however, recommend that you pick your battles selectively. It’s important to perform self-assessments to determine whether what’s bothering us at the moment, is actually that big of a deal. If it is and we need a release, then it has to be discussed, for the overall health of the relationship.
Whether our partners have a clear understanding of what’s bothering us or not, what is so wrong with actually expressing it? It will immediately clear up any confusion or doubt and get us a lot closer to resolving the situation. In the end, isn’t that what we really want anyway?
BMWK, is this a lie you’ve been telling? If so, what have been your results?
Sometimes you say this because if you talk about it right then and there, it will be a major fight. The answer is not meant to be a lie – but may be used in error to delay the discussion that needs to take place.
I 100% agree with you. It might be the wrong time/ place to push the discussion forward.
A lie is a lie despite the reason for telling it
God helped me I gave end of life comfort in the war and lied saying it was going to be alright
Instead I should have offered Jesus
Let’s not excuse or justify sin
Only through confessions can God heal
I pray this is received in the spirit of love in which it is meant
Well couldn’t educated, mature folks simply say “Hunny, let’s discuss this later when I have had some time to (fill in the blank here….).” Really, us men can handle it if you tell us you need space for a minute to collect your thoughts. 🙂
Well sometimes that’s the answer because when you say what the issue is there is no response or further discussion in an attempt to resolve the problem or its discussed but never put into action
I agree with you on this point. I discussed a problem with my husband and. First he talked to me crazy then he proceeded to do the same thing again. So I have not spoken to him since. And he has not reached out either.
Thanks Superwife, that is a great point. We have to also be careful as to even use it in error. It’s easy to say, I’m upset, but please allow me the time to process how I’m feeling.
Sunshine, you’re right that can be very frustrating. I think it’s helpful if we also bring possible solutions to the table to help our partner out.
Great point Anonymous!
Solutions are not received. It may be discussed, but no action taken
I have tried to express my feelings, needs, and wants in so many different ways. He said I hurt his feelings, I put him down. Just me saying he is suppose to protect, provide. He express when he is in the mood, I am there but when I express he says no I don’t feel like it. Get a toy he says he don’t like the toy it takez away from the mood. I have verbalized, texted, emailed, and wrote letters. He still to this day don’t understand why I am with holding after a year. He seriously don’t get it. I told him why I bought the toy. He said how would I feel if he bought a toy. I don’t mind at all. Especialy now. All he has to do is put it out of sight. We still carry on like we just met on the first day. He is so wrapped up in his work. He pays no attention to his woman. We talk but, no resolution on how to improve. He has some issues stemming from childhood I understand and deeply love him. When we hug no one exists. I am mesmerized.
I agree! Full Communication is the key to a successful relationship. “BUT!!!” Women will share more with their closest girlfriend or another man before opening up to their own man. The real question is, why is this? Why do they feel more comfortable telling someone who could be in their life today and gone tomorrow. Instead of the person that they’re married too? Why be in a relationship or marriage with someone that you can’t open up to. What was the purpose? Time wasted!!! Men, we’re not mind readers, let us know what’s on your mind! When women do that it makes us more devoted to the relationship/marriage. It lets us know that you really value our opinion.
Annah,
Love yourself enough to know what you want and deserve…ask yourself WHY are still hanging on to this man. You cannot change him and you certainly should not change yourself knowing what you want to just settle. He thinks nothing is wrong with him and he sounds just like a person I once knew. He will drain you of all your attention and you will find yourself in a constant state of trying to prove your loyalty to this man…you know in the bottom of your soul right now what you need to do. Annah, free yourself, stop doing what so many women do…don’t give in to those tactics…LOVE YOURSELF and find what you know you want and deserve. If he really wants you, he will do whatever it takes…let him be a real man who wants you enough to provide, protect and proclaim and show it. It is time for a change for women to step up and demand what she wants, set some boundaries and if he wants you he will climb up that tree to get the best. Stop showing him that weakness in you…men will seek that weakness and prey on it. If any man makes you start to doubt who you are and what you KNOW you want and NEED…you don’t need that problem because he is trying to control you and make you have self-doubt. NOT A GOOD SIGN! Annah, we as women must take control! KEEP DOING YOU, TOYS and all. You have a great day! 🙂
By the way if he is clinging on to some childhood problems that he is using to get sympathy or whatever…RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! We all have childhood issues, but it is time to let that go…you are not your past your are now an adult and be a responsible adult…we can choose to let our childhood make us better or make us worse. IT’S A CHOICE!!!!
Terrance, you are so right i have a very stubborn wife of 18 yrs that would rather go down with the ship with her pride and ego of never being wrong or seeing that she has alot of growing to do as well as me or others for that matter. I am trying HARD going to church and doing pastoral counseling to work on me, and it is working. However she does not think she has issues it is all my fault whenever ANYTHING is amiss.
Yes, good article and that works with 2 reasonable and mature adults but what do you do when your husband refuses to listen to you, he is emotionally,verbal, and even became physically abusive 3x. He goes on the defensive and become aggressive. Some women like me just give up saying anything is wrong in order to avoid the abuse.
I have been a widow for some years now. My husband and I were together for 25+ years. The one thing that I told my husband the most is that I just needed reassurance. Just hold me and tell me it’s gonna be alright. Whether he could resolve it or not just that knowing that we were in this together went a long ways towards helping me deal with what ever was going on.
Annah, I truly feel for you. Relationships are not difficult. We make them difficult by being selfish, or always wanting things to go our way. Whatever happened to compromising in a relationship? Unfortunately, we don’t find out these things until our feelings are involved. Then, we’re in love, & it’s hard to leave. Annah, find the strength to talk to someone you trust. That’s a difficult situation you’re in, & not an easy task to figure out. Han in there. Be encouraged..
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for three months now.I don’t mind if he drinks but he is like Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hide.when he drinks. He doesn’t remember somethings he say. Would it be wrong if I were to suggest to him AA classes?
I forgot to mention we want to be married in the future but I don’t think we’re going to make it because he’s not putting his priorities first which is his mobility.
Erica, no you would not. Love means we have to have those tough conversations. You just want what’s best for him, so you do need to address your concerns. Will be praying for your relationship.
Whew! I told this lie for so many years and thankfully my husband is patient and refused to give in or believe this lie. I don’t have any problem expressing what’s really on my mind now if I need to. Great, great article Tiya and so very true.
When so called Black Women spend HALF THE TIME IN THEIR CIRCLES OF ENERGY…DISCUSSING HOW TO BE A WIFE, TREAT A MAN TO MOTIVATE AND CHERISH HIS FAMILY,…Rather than the tricks of MANIPULATING THE LOWER NATURAL NATURE FOR THEIR OBCESSIONS THEREOF, AND CONTRIVANCES TO PUSH THEM INTO THE CREDIT SLAVERY LIFE….NOW THAT’S WH ERR N HEALING COMMUNICATION BEGINS…EVERY EMPOWERED PEOPLE SAY, NEVER FORGET….WHEN ONE CIRCLE OF THESE SO CALLED WOMEN GET TOGETHER AND TALK ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE LOOKED UPON AS A SLAVE, AND THE PROGENY OF SLAVES…TOO HARD TO DO RIGHT? WHY ARE YOU FEELING SO MUCH ANGER AND RESENTMENT AND FULL OF ENERGY AND WHOLE DIATRIBES TO PROVE THIS OPINION, THESIS, AND EXPRESSION WRONG??? WHY ARE YOU FILLED WITH SO MUCH ENERGY TO FIGHT, DISMISS, AND DISPROVE WHAT I’VE SAID…. ??? I AIN’T MAD AT’CHA…..I SEE YOU…
This sound like my wife also . Keep doing what your doing . Church does help.
It is sometimes easier to tell someone who you know will not go on the defense, dismiss or demean what you say. Uninvolved parties can usually bring rational thinking and problem solving to the issue and possibly even make it easier for you to go to your partner later. They will let you vent through all of your emotions before reacting. No your man is not a mind reader, but we know our men. We know how he will receive what we say no matter how we say it and we just get tired and beed to vent. I, personally, did not let anyone into my relationship and was literally going insane internally. Try not to judge us so harshly we are just as clueless as you men.
I have communicated with my husband many times about how I feel when he is caught cybertexting, or sextexting other women, and many times he comes back apologising saying he will not do it anymore but still gets caught…so if I am not communicating enough, I don’t know what that is…
Trust me ….I fully understand your frustration with toys, lack of intimacy and wanting to feel…something!
I really want to be the best husband for my wife but for some reason she doesn’t understand me and won’t talk or respect me as a man and don’t want to follow me as a man of God I do everything in my power to make her happy but it never works very alone only a week or so then back too same old bad attitude and personality.I’m A assistant pastor at a church and my wife won’t come to church but want me to stop going to church and take care of the family and I can’t do that because God call me. I support my wife everything she dose and be loving to her at all times now she wants a divorce and I feel like I didn’t do anything wrong can you give me some input on a situation like this God bless have a wonderful day
Desi your first call is to your wife. You might need to invite church home. The organisational church does ‘not’ come before your family. That’s like saying ‘another’ family comes before your own and it shouldn’t. Yes we are ‘church family’ but your wife comes first!
We as females and males have been hurt so bad that we have a brick wall up ,so when a issue come up we put the defense, and don’t care about the outcome because each of want to be right .In my marriage I prayed to God to give the spirit of take down that means humble myself make sure I am not the problem first. Try it and believe me your outcome will be a whole lot greater.
Some of us, as women, have to stop treating men like badly behaved girl friends. If your sista friend doesn’t pick up on your being upset, that’s weird. But men do not customarily communicate as we do, and we have to know how to be direct and honest with them. Men aren’t mind readers. We can’t be upset that they don’t just “know”. Our feminine discernment is often at a much higher level than their ability to sense things. If we aren’t ready to talk right now, let’s try just saying that? He’s not a child, we shouldn’t treat them that way. Men will understand if we Take the Time to explain in a way that they are receptive to.