My three year old son is a maniac – and I love him to death for it.
Four years ago when my wife and I learned we were expecting our first child, we weren’t jumping up and down for joy. We didn’t plan for it, and felt our new blessing couldn’t have come at more trying time in our relationship. We did what most couples do when they find themselves in that all too familiar place – we accepted our responsibilities and made the best of it.
Our post child world is a far cry from the restaurant exploring, bar tasting, shopping excursions, selfish television watching, lazy extended sleeping, and friends gathering days we were used to. Replaced by diaper changing, routine life scheduling, doctor visiting, nighttime Llama Llama book reading, Super Why watching, milk warming, toddler negotiating, lunch making, bath time taking, and now daily school chauffeuring.
In short – things ain’t the same.
My wife grew up in a single child household. She’s grown up in a world where she’s only needed to tend to her own needs and follow her parent’s rules. She’s not very acclimated to living under a roof with multiple people who constantly need something from her in one way or another. To put it mildly – it’s a challenge.
Our son is such a cool little dude. He’s compassionate, caring, affectionate, expressive about his emotions, eternally curious, and would make an excellent big brother to lucky younger sibling. My wife and I want that relationship for him, we really do – but we’re both hesitant to pull that trigger – and time is ticking for us.
Even before we had our little one, it was difficult for me to effectively communicate to my wife how much quality one on one and physical time I needed from her. In my mind, I never needed much. In her mind, it was an uncrossable divide. We never learned how to meet in the middle or came to an agreement about what that middle would look like. As a result, I felt consistently and purposefully neglected and she felt genuinely misunderstood at her core. Not the best foundation to start molding life in.
Today, as her and I discuss our desire to add another blessing to the house, we weigh all the factors; lifestyle we desire for our family, money, time, our personal and professional ambitions, money, time, tuition, where in the world to plant roots, our ability to be engaged parents, money, time, our own maturity levels and more. Did I mention the money and time a whole other living being requires?
I’m afraid we’re already lacking in so many spaces that adding such a huge responsibility to our plates would collapse the small dysfunctional routine of normality we keep up today. I’m afraid my wife will find the load too much to stand. Just too many people under one roof who need something from her. I’m afraid she’ll retreat into an extreme version of her introverted self. I’m afraid my obligation to find extra resources to provide for this growing family will prove too hard for me to carry without the fuel I need from her. I’m afraid I’ll resent her retreating or lashing out. I’m afraid we’re being greedy for asking for another blessing as great as our son is today. I’m afraid I’ll really have put my commitment to the test, and coming from a family where my father switched out wives like long-term lease vehicles – I’m afraid even after 10 years in marriage, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Through all the conversations, counseling, therapists, late-night venting sessions, email writing, blog articles, and honest effort from both sides, we still struggle deeply with feelings of neglect and misunderstanding.
We have been separated before. With only high hopes, a genuine desire to make each other happy, and a new life on the way bringing us back together at the time.
The one reason I’m terrified of having another child is I’m afraid it will ultimately lead to the end of my family.
I’m afraid at some level, one of us will give up on trying. And giving up means different things to both of us.
It terrifies me because I love the one we have so much, yet we struggle everyday as most families do through the challenges of life. We all have our limits. Many of don’t know what those limits truly are. Sometimes we make decisions thinking we’re stronger than we really are. I really don’t want to get this one wrong. But I do want to have another child with my wife.
They say everything we truly want in life is on the other side of fear. It’s simply a matter of learning to walk through your fear into your deepest desires and fulfillment.
I think they’re right.
BMWK, what fears have held you back from making a major decision in your marriage?
MrsB says
This is a very interesting read, especially given the fact that my husband and I have been dealing with infertility challenges for the past 4 years and long to have a child of our own. Truth be told, we want as many as we are finally blessed to have. However, this article is a very real and truthful perspective of what the other side of having a child(ren)looks like. Sometimes, I think, we are so caught up in our struggle to have children that we forget the other side isn’t always easy either. This article helped to shed light on the the fact that there are some things, as a married couple, we must be ready for once we are blessed with little ones. Again, great article. Thanks for sharing.
Isom Kuade says
We all have the choose the path best for us, and while I don’t think parenthood is for everyone, I do think that parenthood embraced gives us access to a POTENTIAL level of happiness not available to everyone. That being said, you’re absolutely right, there’s nothing easier about life on this side. Enjoy your spouse in all things.
Anonymous says
This is a great article! I’m the one who didn’t want anymore children after our son was born, I already had a daughter from a previous relationship and my husband had two daughters as well. My husband wanted more though. Communication and compromise was key in our decision(s). As a mother being a parent and a wife is difficult, demanding and simply overwhelming at times to say the least. You have to divide your time with each child and still connect with your husband. All these hats that a women has to wear is trying & rewarding and can be done. Schedules and to do list, plus keeping your relationship as a priority works for us and we have very hectic schedules..between FT jobs,school, homework extra curriculum activities, Dr appts, work and school meeting it’s quite challenging..but we make sure to connect every night, that’s our downtime/playtime and have monthly date nights..we made sure the kids knew & know mommy and daddy time is just as important as their time and takes nothing away from them, we work as a family unit. You have to do what works for you and what’s best for your family..what works for some may not work for others.
Isom Kuade says
Thanks for the comment. You’re so right, every person in the family deserves an equal amount of our effort and time – especially if we chose to bring that life into the world in the first place. The more people, the more of yourself you have to give. Some of us have more to give than others.
Superwife says
Based on what has been written here, in my most humble opinion, what is needed to have a more fulfilling life, with or without adding to the family, is a greater sense of and commitment to self-less-ness. Everything written here speaks SELFISHNESS. When we focus on ourselves instead of others – we are usually disappointed. But when we focus outwardly, investing our time, talent, gifts, energy and love towards the care and development and nurturing of others – we seldom have time or energy focused on unmet expectations. Think of the opportunities to GIVE rather than evaluating what one may have to GIVE UP. Happiness and contentment are an inside job.
Bridget says
I was wondering where this article was going to go, but you definitely ended it strong! Pray, pray, and pray some more. God is faithful!
“They say everything we truly want in life is on the other side of fear. It’s simply a matter of learning to walk through your fear into your deepest desires and fulfillment.”
ia says
I’m currently battling the same thing with my fiance and it may lead to us not walking down the aisle because of this. I have a four year old son of my own and he has a twelve year old and set of five year old twins from two previous relationships. Am i being selfish because i think that’s enough between the two of us? We fuss about this daily.
Kelli says
Don’t be terrified! Just relax and let it flow and stop blocking your blessings. If we lived in fear all the time, we’d never understand the challenges God has equipped us to overcome. What if that second child is the one that teaches everyone in the house how to open up and really love? None of our five children were planned, but we learned and grew from all of them. Think of the positives and be blessed – and let your blessings flow.