I’m one of those people who, when I go to the gym, I go to work out. Not to gossip. Not to snag a date. Not to look cute. To work out.
I recognize that that’s not the case for everyone, which was apparent a couple of weeks ago during my morning workout.
As I was about to pick up my weights, a man in a space suit (I’m not sure what exactly they’re called, but I guess they’re supposed to make you sweat more) walked up in front of me while I had on my headphones.
Since he didn’t look like he was going anywhere until I acknowledged his presence, I reluctantly took off my headphones to say hello. What followed, made me wish I had kept them on. The conversation went something like this:
“I saw you working out and wanted to come and say hi.”
“Hi.”
“My name is Greg and I’m pretty new to the area. What’s your name?”
“Julian.”
“So Julian, when are you going to take me out to dinner?”
I silently did the Scooby-Doo: “Arooooo???!”
Then with a smile, I responded out loud, “Sorry, that’s not how I roll.”
“Oh, well when I moved to the DC area a year ago, I was told that that’s how all the women are here. They’re usually the ones to ask you out.”
“Yeah, not sure where you heard that, but that’s not me.” I was insulted he would assume after meeting me for the first time, that I fit into a stereotype he “heard” about DC women. I was definitely not interested. When he insisted I take his number, my phone died. Even God was like: “Ummmm…no.”
When I posted this story on my Facebook page, there was quite a bit of debate back and forth about why, in 2014, women should still expect the man to pay for dinner. Here are my top three reasons:
- Men like the chase. Just about every man I’ve talked to has admitted that they want to be the one to chase the woman. That’s how they’re programmed. This doesn’t mean that as women we have to play games with a guy when we know he’s interested, but it does mean that we need to allow him to make the move that will confirm his interest in you. You won’t have to guess whether he is or not: he’ll make it plain.
- It will show you whether or not this man has the ability or the desire to provide for you. A first date is a first date—don’t start planning your wedding just because he’s taking you out to dinner. However, I believe that with all relationships, the first impression is usually the most important. If he’s not willing to pay for your dinner—or worse yet, acts like he forgot his wallet—what does that say about his potential to help provide for your family if the relationship were to go any further?
- I still believe in chivalry. A good friend of mine, who’s very much a Southern gentleman, has demonstrated to me time and time again that chivalry is not dead. He still opens car doors, pulls out chairs, and always takes the check. Especially for those of us who are used to being “independent women,” it feels good to be taken care of every now and then.
I am well aware that there are those who have very different opinions on this topic; however, from my experience, and that of most couples I know who are happily married: the man wants to still be looked to as a provider and as someone who can take care of you. And I, for one, don’t mind.
What are your thoughts about whether or not women should still expect men to pay for dinner in this day and age?
I agree 100%.
Thanks for commenting Uniqueka!
Hi Julian,
First, thank you for writing this article, I totally agree with what you stated. I’m from DC and I think I know why that male assumed all women from DC picks up the check. From the metro to sitting in a restaurant I can’t begin to tell you the endless stories I hear among women telling their girlfriends how they ‘take care’ of their males via buying clothes, shoes, cell phone bill, car note, house note, putting money on their books,and paying their back child support etc. etc. No, I’m not ear hustlin’ because they’re talking loud enough for me and the whole place to hear like it’s a badge of honor that they ‘take care’ of their male. I look at them like they have lost their minds! Are some women so desperate that they feel they have to ‘take care’ of their male. (Take note I’m not calling them men but ‘males’ because real men provide) True Story: Men will do what you allow them to do to you!
April, thanks for your comment. I think too many women have bought into the myth that there are not enough “good men” left and so, decide to settle. It is truly a myth, because I have many girlfriends getting married right and left to some of those “good men.” In life, I’ve learned that you almost always get what you expect.
The 1st date is the 1st date but if the relationship is ongoing and on-growing I think it is fine for either party to pay. I feel that the person who asks should pay. While my husband and I were dating there were several activities, outings, dinners etc that I paid for, especially if it was something that I specifically wanted to do that I wanted him to experience with me. As for men providing, I agree men should provide but I don’t believe that provision is strictly financial. How much money a man has isn’t important if he doesn’t provide peace, calm, help, support and a host of other things.
EeOrr, it is always a personal decision as to what you feel is right for you and your relationship, and I would agree that once you are in a committed relationship, some of the rules may change. And indeed, provision goes beyond the financial. Thanks for your comment!
If you want Chivalry which come from traditional role, you also have to be willing to cook clean and wash clothes for your man like a woman’s traditional role. Anything else is unfair.
If you are for equality, then wanting chivalry is hypocritical. Chivalry historically comes from the premise that women are weaker.
Tough pill…
Tony, I don’t think it’s a tough pill at all. Good thing my Mama taught me how to cook and I enjoy it! At the end of the day, relationships are a give and take and I believe that you have to be willing to give what you want from the other person. It’s also important to remember that every relationship is different and you have to do what works for you. Thanks for your comment!
Great post Julian. Just have to say that chivalry does not come from the premise that women are weaker. My 90 year old grandfather who is still quite the gentlemen got a kick out of that. It comes from the premise that women are jewels, worthy of honor and respect. It is a two-way street, of course, but it does not come from the premise of weakness.
India, what a beautiful way to look at it. I think that many women have either never been taught, or have forgotten what your grandfather knew and lived. We need to bring that back… Thanks for your comment!