“Some days we see eye to eye,
at times we disagree,
But that’s because we both accept
you’re you….and I am me”
As my wife and I celebrated our anniversary this weekend, this was one of the passages that came out of the card I gave her. While it is a simple passage, I believe it says so much more! Often times one of the biggest reasons why marriages and relationships fall apart is because we get with the person not for who they are, but for who we hoped that they would be.
It’s almost as if we purchase someone “as is” and then want to return them for being “damaged!”
Sometimes our failure to truly embrace a person for who they are keeps us from being able to love them at the highest level because we continue to wait on another person to show up. This is why so many marriages end with these phrases…follow me!
“We grew apart.”
It is my opinion that people don’t just grow apart; people just don’t put in the effort that it takes to stay connected and together. Many times that’s because we get frustrated with the flaws of our mates while ignoring the great qualities. Instead of embracing the fact that he is a great provider and father, we focus on the fact that sometimes he leaves his pants in the middle of the floor. Instead of focusing on how much she supports you and how much she does for your family, we focus on the fact that sometimes she can be a little emotionally needy or that she doesn’t have the body of a fitness model. When we focus on everything negative about our mates and we become less conscious of staying engaged then that’s when we lose connectivity and “grow apart.” Simply put if you don’t want to grow apart then grow together.
“They changed.”
Although we evolve as people after a certain age, usually after about age thirty, the core of who we are usually remains the same. One reason many people act as if their mate just did a flip-flop is because during the dating phase the desire for the ring and the happily ever after blinded them from actually seeing the true values and the core of the person they were dating. The ring was so shiny that the glare covered up the flaws the suitor had, the baggage they brought into the relationship, and the set of core values that were not shared.
If we want to have more longevity in our marriages, we have to take the time to truly get to know someone on the front end. We have to see how they respond in multiple situations, under stress, through happiness, through highs and through lows. We have to examine who people are in totality, not just who they are when things are hot and steamy. When we do this, we realize that most people don’t change, marriage just magnifies who they already were.
“We fell out of love.”
I believe that the romantic version of lust has been substituted for what this idea of love truly is. Love is a verb and an ACTION word. It is expressed in what we DO and how we serve one another. Most times when people say they fell out of love what they’ve really done is fallen out of lust. Suddenly the butterflies turn into gnats and the fireworks turn into dull flames and as a result we want out. This is because we don’t realize that if we seek to serve instead of being served and if we consciously make the decision to keep our mates happy, then even when the fireworks aren’t there the love will still remain. The action word LOVE is what pushes you to put in the effort when it doesn’t come as naturally anymore. Falling out of love isn’t an option when you don’t want it to be.
“There’s no such thing as “perfect.”
but I know this much is true,
Nothing feels more right than sharing life and love with you”
That was the final stanza of the card I spoke about in the beginning and it’s correct! There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but we can make sure our relationships thrive when we accept people for who they are, focus on the things we love about them, and put in the effort to stay connected!
Mrs. Jones says
Good article. I also want to add that the age at which you marry plays a huge part in your maturity level. Also, I would advise any woman not to marry until she is around 28 or 29 and for a male, he should marry around the age of 40. Those are two very compatible ages for women and men to marry each other with an 11 year age difference. From my observance of marriages of women marrying men their own age (especially men in their 20’s and 30’s) and the conversations I’ve had with then, they all complained the men are childish and not settled and since women mature at a faster pace than men. Marrying someone your own age (especially a women) may contribute to the topics you touched on in your article such as “they’ve changed & we’ve grown apart”. People are so focused on getting married that they over look “WHO” they’re marrying. The best advice my mother gave me about life was, establish your own identity, get your own place, your own car, your own furniture, finish you bachelor’s, master’s, and even your doctorate, and have a clear focus on your career goals then start on your path to find a mate who is on the same page as you when it comes to religion, maturity level, career goals, marriage, finances, and kids. I say all this to say, ask the hard questions before saying “I Do” research that persons past history in relationships/marriages. Ask his/her mother and father whether you think their ready for marriage from their observation before you’re in divorce court saying “I Don’t”.
Troy Spry says
Mrs. Jones thank you so much for reading and commenting! I agree reserach and paying attention to actions and patterns of behavior. I always say when in doubt just trust your intuition about a person. Thanks again!
Rae says
Well I believe maturity plays a huge part but age does not. There are many men (those in my family included) who are in their 40s and are more childish than the men I know in their 20s. Scientifically proven, the frontal lobe of the human brain fully develops at age 25 years, which means the average person reaches maturity at 25. Now there may be a major profession or delay depending on many things (up bringing, socioeconomic status, etc). The overall component of any relationship or marriage despite age is making GOD the center, HE will place you in the arms of the right person at the right time if you allow HIM to. I have NEVER read in the bible that says a woman who is 28 should marry at who is 40. Idc if both partners are 17 years old if they have a strong relationship with GOD, they will make it. 11 years is a huge difference, I see many examples in my life that isn’t the absolute way to go. My grandparents have a huge age gap and they are very incompatible. Let’s promote waiting on GOD to assign your helpmate, you never know what age HE has in mind. That is why so many relationships and marriages fail, they don’t go to GOD and keep HIM active in the relationship, that is a must!!!GOD is a jealous GOD and HE doesn’t want you to praise your relationship with flesh more than HIM. And a mature man no matter the age will not allow you to do that because HE will be seeking GOD himself.
Mrs. Jones says
@Rae – Yes God does place the right person in your life and he holds all the cards in his hand. I’m also speaking from my observation only, (because I haven’t done a major study on this) nor have I sampled a population of subjects for this topic. I have just seen a large majority of women who marry men their age while they’re in their 20’s and early 30’s go through many “difficult” times because of the maturity level of those men. Therefore, I’m only speaking from my experiences I had while I was in the dating world, women in my family, friends, and women I have worked with. I clearly remember these women telling me to marry an older man who is mature and settled, so I wouldn’t have to go through the “bad” times they have had to deal with early on in their marriages. Now there are exceptions to this, but the majority of men in those age ranges do have major issues in the maturity department. For example, I remember dating men my age while I was around 22-26, the majority of these men came from two parent stable households and educated, but they weren’t at the my career level at that time, I made significantly more money than them, my mindset as far as owning a home, saving for retirement far exceeded their mind set, they also weren’t ready to marry. So around the age of 27, I met someone who was 38 at the time and we hit it off and married when I turned 29 and he was 40. Now this worked for me because of his maturity level and mindset, and truth be told, he would have married me our first year of dating but I wanted to wait so that I find out more about his background, spend more time with his family to see if they where the type of people I wanted to be associated with and would they be good grandparents. I also, wanted to meet the men he called his friends, because one thing life has taught me is “birds of a feather flock together”. Your friends are an extension of you and they represent your values, and they would also be at social events we would have as a couple and our future children would be friends. Marriage is a serious step in life and you have to do extensive research on any person you think you want to take this huge step with.
Troy Spry says
Rae I agree that maturity plays a huge role and age isnt always indicative of maturity. Although that is true there are just some things that we pick up by just living longer. Also it seems that people have the biggest transistions through their twenties where they are trying to “figure it out.” While some never will the odds are higher and statistically marriages tend to last longer when people marry after the age of 27-28. God does play a huge role but that is only if both people have the same values around spirituality and religion. Thanks so much for reading and commenting.