We study for exams in school.
We study for a driving test.
We study for a job interview.
We study for anything that requires more knowledge than we already have. And why do we study? Because we want to perform well and present ourselves as competent. The same should be true in a relationship. Ladies, we should study the man in our lives.
Take notes of his likes and dislikes.
Read about things he’s interested in.
Watch a few of his favorite television programs.
Be on the lookout for what makes him de-stress.
Pay attention to what makes his body respond.
Listen to know when to speak and when to be silent.
Recently, I revealed to my husband that I have been studying him, particularly how he deals with stress. He usually takes a couple of days to process things internally before sharing them with me. The old me would badger him to talk and then take it personally if he didn’t.
“I know something is wrong. Why don’t you talk to me? . . . You don’t trust me? Aren’t we married?”
That was crazy talk for sure and only made him shut down even more. When I was nagging, I should have been studying, and then I would have known to give him emotional and physical space to process life’s issues his way not my way. So far, I’ve been implementing what I’ve learned, yet I remain open to learning even more about the man I love.
Of course, a man should study his woman, too. It goes both ways. My man, for example, is learning to do his homework so he can communicate better and predict when I need “me time.” Nevertheless, my focus isn’t on what he should be doing; it’s on what I should be doing““which is being grateful for the wonderful man I have and learning how to satisfy and support him.
I’ll end by sharing what an older wise woman told me: “Either you know your husband, baby, or someone else will.” Now, I don’t believe in living in fear of somebody taking my man, but I know the devil is crafty and will use any opportunity to create division in a marriage. When I don’t take the time or effort to study my husband, I put our union at risk. So, I heed this wise woman’s advice and determine to study my man because I love him but also because I am wise.
BMWK, what’s your take on studying each other in a relationship?
Roger madison says
Sometimes cliche’s serve a real purpose. This article brings to mind a recently popular cliche’ — “lifelong learning” or “becoming a lifelong learner.”
These concepts are never truer than in a marriage relationship. From day one, we learn new tidbits and nuances that cannot be revealed unless you are “studying your spouse.” We seem to accept the notion of studying to improve job performance, or other areas of performance in our lives. We tell our children that they must become lifelong learners. But are we “preaching what we practice?”
We have been married for 45 years, and we are now planning a wonderful 50th year celebration (don’t we plan for college graduation 4 years hence?) Our 50th anniversary will be a milestone achievement in our studying, learning, and applying what we learn. In some circles they call it “walking the walk.”
So, Yes! We should study our spouses to graduate into a blissful and complete being within a relationship that fulfills our lives. We will get a multiplier effect from our efforts. What is so amazing is that there are higher degrees ahead that are yet to be attained. Just think. Studying the ways of a woman in her 20’s is different than studying a working mom in her 30’s, or a supportive spouse in his 40’s, and an accomplished achiever in her 50’s. Studying a grandmother in her 60’s provides a reflection on a life well-lived, in preparation for a joyous journey in to our 70’s and beyond.
Our study never ends.
Quan says
I agree a lot about studying each other. My wife and I need to do some studying. I know that we love each other, but we both have things that we do that bother the other one (like everyone does as well…lol.) I love your woman’s perspective about a woman not worrying what the man is doing for her, but what she’s doing for her man to be supportive of him. I think that if both sides focus on pleasing the other, they’ll be suprised at what comes back their way…
GOOD JOB!!
Andriea ISH says
This is excellent advice. I can’t say that I have studied, but I definitely have observed. I know that some of the things that I’ve learned have helped me tremendously. I have learned other things and have adapted to them, but when my husband asks me why I change my behavior, it’s difficult to tell him, because i know that he doesn’t want to hear the true reason. I’m sure I’m the same way.
Anonymous says
Looooooove that!… Their are steps to a happy marriage.
Anonymous says
Absolutely refreshing!! Too often people give love in the manner in which they desire to receive love, rather than loving the way our spouses need to be loved. For example, an expression of my love is ensuring there is a home cooked meal prepared for my husband on a nightly basis, making sure clean clothes are readily available, guaranteeing that supplies (personal toiletries, household supplies, etc) are plentiful, always being a listening and supportive ear, and other similar approaches. It was not until my husband and I had a real conversation about this that we discovered just how much of our efforts were being lost in translation. He thought being an exceptional provider was the ultimate expression of love, and because he exceled in the area of career progression and regular salary increases he thought his job was fulfilled. It isn’t so. It takes real work, research, and resolute mind to execute your findings.
ellis says
Waaaaaaal starting from l am studying her. That was quite true!
ellis says
Waaaaaaal starting from today l am studying her. That was quite true!
Narcisa says
My husband has been telling me to study him from day 1 !! I find it hard to “study” someone. I know his likes and dislikes, yet the idea of “studying” him boggles my mind. School and I were never friends and to be honest I feel like if I studied him I might fail. Hence why I get stand offish when he says that. After reading this I see the importance of “studying” your spouse!! Gonna try and look at it from anew light!!
Thanks
I am 2.5 years in on being happily married looking forward to many more!!
-Cisa
Arthur says
You’ve learned a lot from that wise woman, but even more you heeded that wisdom…. Most men that go outside of their marriage are looking for what their wives refuse to give them. In this world with its shortage of good men, for a woman without one to see one being over looked or neglected makes him fair game… “Making it easy for the clean up woman…”…. It may not be right but is sending a man out into the world with unmet sexual or emotional needs any no more right??? To withhold sex from your husband because he didn’t act the way you wanted him to is a form of physical abuse….
LaWanda says
I absolutely love this and it is so so true.