by Ronnie Tyler
Have you ever had a small disagreement with your spouse that spiraled out of control into a huge argument? One minute we are talking about taking out the trash and the next thing you know you are talking about my mama. Well Dr. Barton Goldsmith, PhH. D., over at Psychology Today provides some tools that you can use to avoid saying something that will damage your relationship. Dr. Barton says most of your really bad arguments can be contributed to unhealthy behaviors, such as bringing up past issues while you are arguing. He says bringing up past issues: “…is done to deflect responsibility and avoid discomfort. It usually makes the issue worse and may create additional problems.”
Some of Dr. Barton’s tips include:
- Choose your words carefully.
- Don’t raise your voice.
- Look into your heart.
- Ask for what you really need
- Don’t drink and discuss.
Please check out Dr. Barton’s article here to get the full details behind his tips.
BMWK Family – how do you avoid big arguments?
Sometimes, being quite and coming back to the discussion when I’m calmer. Also, getting clarity on statements made. I often jump to conclusions and feel like a fool when he really didn’t mean what I thought he meant.
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..Sorta, Thankful, Really =-.
This may sound extreme, but I’ve found that note-taking during arguments can be helpful LOL. My husbands is the one who does it primarily, but it seems to keep him on track with his thoughts and he is able to make sure all his points are expressed. I kind of like that he puts in the extra effort to make sure he is communicating with efficiently. 🙂 *although when I’m really upset, it pushes me over the edge to see him writing instead of looking at me! – poor thing just can’t win lol*
Oy my goodness! I’ve never heard of note taking! I think that’s cool! I’m going to try that next time we get into an argument. I’m thinking my husband will be shocked and start laughing at me. And then the argument will be over.
I believe in not even having past issues to bring up. My husband and I address issues as soon as they occur instead of holding on to things. This way we avoid saying things neither one us has to apologize for later on. I learned this from my past, when I harbor over insignificant issues, and when I am extremly frustrated, all of it comes out and not in a very good way. Bottom line is nip anything that is festering within you in the bud right away. It works for me!
I do try and choose my words carefully. Sometimes I have to walk away for a little bit, but I also stay mindful of my motives. I don’t try to say anything that I know for sure is going to hurt, just for the sake of winning the argument. I like the part of looking into your heart, you’ll find some great things there, and you’ll be reminded to act out of love.
(This pic is funny for a number of reasons. None of which I’ll say. LOL)
@Jonesi: Good call! As much as I like to jot down stuff (shopping list, “to do” lists), I never thought of that.
.-= {Ms. P}´s last blog ..Morton’s: Lunch with a Legend-Ted Leonsis =-.
Jonesi – I was just thinking that I might get mad if he is actually writing something down as I am talking…but at least he is trying to effectively communicate too.
I remember the first time he did I was like WTHeck! But once I accepted the fact that in my anger I tend to go on tangents, taking notes to keep track of what’s all been said and what he wants to respond to isn’t a bad idea. He still seems to listen intently, and yes I struggle with whether is it productive (he doesn’t do it EVERY time), but the fact that our “discussions” end more productively because of it, I’m glad our battles are structured. It isn’t a bash fest, but a real dialog about everything that is going on. Seemed silly initially, but it isn’t about winning. It’s about putting everything out on the table and eventually clearing it up. I’m a writer so I respect it.
Taking notes, that is funny. If I took notes while debating, my hubby would think that I am more Krazy than I am. LOL. I do take mental notes and we discuss the issue. I can say that we do use our words wisely and don’t hit under the belt. We both know from years ago, he who speaks the loudest is not necessarily heard, and we both like to be heard. A great debate happens with mature people. I don’t have to be right to enjoy a debate, I do appreciate my husbands opinion, even when he is wrong. LOL.
I have a question. I am recently married and there is an issue that keeps coming up that didn’t while we were dating. He doesn’t want me to have the passwords to any of his accounts (email, voicemail, etc.) I know it seems small and probably reasonable to most people. But I will (and have) given him my password to things if I need him to do something for me. And i can’t help but feel like he has something to hide because he is adamant about it. He says I will “never” get it because it is the password to everything – like his bank account. I have agreed not to bring it up again but recently I found a letter that he wrote to his friend while we were dating (2 years ago) about meeting a woman on vacation. he lost his phone and she called him and left a message but didn’t leave her number. he expressed regret about losing his phone with her number. we talked about it and he apologized but he said that letter wasn’t meant for me anyway and that wasn’t going to beg for my forgivness over something so small and reiterated that i will never get access to his password now. besides the password thing and the letter that i found, i have no reason to think he is seeing someone else. he comes home everyday at the same time. he doesn’t mistreat me in anyway. he is generous with his time and finances and i do feel loved. and i feel like if i had to choose between living with him for the rest of my life without the password or leaving him over it, i would rather stay. i guess i just feel like he is not as open as i am and he is dismissive of my feelings in a way. so my question is how do you stay married? how do you stay together but not? how do you give each other space without feeling vunerable?
Newly Wed – I can completely understand you feeling hurt by this series of events. The password thing will (hopefully) pass with time. Perhaps that’s just an area where he needs a bit of a ramping up period, in order to feel like he can be completely open and trust that the relationship is solid. Perhaps you continuing to model the open, secret free behavior will help to break down that wall.
Just give him some time and try to be understanding while he works through his trust issues. I’m sure there’s a reason for it and if you continue to show him that you are worthy of his trust, he will likely begin to ease up.
Hang in there….the first year or so is always a challenge in one way or another.
me,myself,and i,are very direct…but i know when to approach my husband,cause i have learn his mood swing…i’m not going to my husband with know problem of mine,until i know how his day went,if he come home with a upset atitude,i’m going to put my problem on the back burner..as his wife,i’m going to step up, and comfort him, to whatever…the situation is, that he know,i got his back,and that i’m there for him…i’m not bringing up nothing to him, until he off from work,and we’re relaxing around the houses,and we both are in a good mood…i would talk about the situation at that time,but if he start talking, about another subject,that don’t contain to the main issue…then it time for me to have a hush mouth,cause from that point, he has already have block me out,so if i continue to talk on that conversation,it’s going to get ugly…don’t get me wrong! he heard me…he just wasn’t ready to respond back to me… when a men don’t know the answer to the problem,right then,they avoid the question..it’s not that he don’t love you ,or he disrespect you,he just being a men…all we have to do, is just stop talking…and wait on our greater reward….
you have met the men of your dream,you’ll have dates,fall in love and now he is asking you for your hand in marriage ,stop! ask yourself first have i cross all of my T,dotted all my I,Burn all of my bridges down,that i don’t want to go back across them again? then you answer, don’t ” pause”if you do, you still got some issue,in the back of your mind about what if…i’m saying that,to get to this,if you can’t swim.don’t get in the water,then you can avoid blowing up something tiny,before it get large.by simply having common sense,nip it in the bud,as i say ‘from the beginning’then you want feel the after shock…
I found that my husband likes to debate! He likes to depict everything apart, which sometimes make me frustrated! I would like to get sound wisdom on how to deal with individuals like this. Let me say, he wasn’t nearly as agrumentative in the beginning. We have been married for 8yrs. I am not sure if he is going through something hisself and he won’t tell me, but this can be burdened and hurtful too.