I wish I would have gotten it quicker than I did, but thank God I finally got it. These are the words my step-daddy spoke to me all the time. “A woman should NEVER pursue a man. She is the prize”. It all makes sense now.
You guys pretty much know my story. I grew up in a strict Christian household. I couldn’t have boy phone calls, until after I turned 16. I could barely look at a guy around my step-daddy. I don’t know if his extra strictness had to do with my sister being a teenage mom, and him trying to protect me from experiencing the same, or his ability to see straight through knuckle head boys. Whatever it was, I wasn’t going to get caught up with some random boy. Especially living with inspector gadget a.k.a. my step-daddy.
Was I squeaky clean?
Of course NOT! I couldn’t receive boy phone calls, but that never stopped me from making them when my parents left the house. I met boys at the mall, theater, cousin’s house, wherever. After I turned 21, it was a new day. My parents could only tell me how they felt, but I was able to make my own decisions. One of those decisions involved me being in a 4-year situation. I can’t even call it a relationship. First red flag right?
Low-key pursuing him…
He lived out of town, which resulted in us visiting each other’s city from time to time. We’d have anywhere from 3-9 hour long phone calls. Talking about everything and nothing. I believed we would be perfect together, and everyone else around me agreed. However, there was one major problem: he couldn’t commit to me. If you let him tell it, it wasn’t time, he wasn’t ready, he was praying about it…blah, blah, blah. Keep in mind all of his “reasonings” wasn’t reason enough for him to break off our “situation”. We continued to talk all the time, visit each other, and make out like crazy fools. I honestly believed one day he’d come around and realize I was the one for him. Boy was I wrong. Dead wrong.
You know what they say…hindsight is always 20/20
I thank God, because before I started to date my fiancé I reached a really strong/independent place. I was excited about my relationship with Christ, my career as a writer, and simply living my life. I wasn’t stuntin’ a dude. However, it wasn’t until my fiancé came along that I was truly able to see a woman never ever has to pursue a man, if the man really wants her. I never had to question if he was going to call me, because I was too busy answering his calls. I never wondered when would be the next time I’d see him, because he’d plan our next encounter before we separated. He wanted me and he made that extremely clear. There were never any blurred lines. I didn’t have to pursue him. He was chasing after me, making it clear I was the prize.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to my teenage years and start over. While I never flat out 100% pursued a guy, I had thirsty tendencies. Where did they get me? Nowhere, because in the end God’s word still proves to be true: “He who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” Proverbs 18:22. Not SHE who finds a husband. My dear sisters, let him find you. Are you currently pursuing a guy? STOP it. Unsure? Here’s how you know if you’re pursuing him and not vice versa:
- You usually call or text him first
- You create little moments for you guys to be together a.k.a. fake dates
- Most of the time you find yourself driving to his house or meeting him somewhere (a real man will come & get you sis)
- You’re unsure about the status of your “relationship”
- You’re the one who initiates the “DTR” (define the relationship) conversation
Ugh… been there, done that, wrote the book, bought the t-shirt. It leads to nowhere, but self destruction and a mother load of rejection issues that will spiral out of control if not dealt with immediately. YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE. The bible says we’re fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14). Walk in that truth and let him pursue you. You are the prize.
BMWK – Do you think women should pursue men? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Sound off below!
Absolutely love this article!!!!! I have been pursued and I’ve been the pursuer. Like they say, you’re never to old to grow up. Great advice Nikki, thanks.
Thanks Latanya! Glad you enjoyed it!
It’s articles like this that make it hard for people to just be themselves going into Relationships. If a Man/Woman pursues, Plans Dates, Initiates Phone Calls, etc- So Be It. We talk about shedding what is/was considered “Gender Roles” and yet, No Offense, this is written to reinforce it all over again.
I’m not Afraid of a Woman who Approaches, Plans, or Calls 1st- My Masculinity is not threatened nor is a Woman Less Than by doing so. People should do what is Best For THEM, not following rules that quite honestly contradict and bounce off each other….
Thanks for your opinion J. Crawford. As a woman, I happen to appreciate certain aspects of gender roles, but respect your thoughts.
Thank you for the response; I’m not sure I as a Man can say the same thing an not be seen as trying to reinforce the negative perception of Patriarchy, or “Male Privilege”. There are things that I do have a Traditional POV on and things I have a Modern “Live and Let Live” perspective on.
As a 26 year old and a college graduate I’ve encountered many women who ranged from “Traditional”- either Church Raised, strictly followed what their Parents and/or Family overall preached, etc to “Modern”- ladies who Approached First, Paid for Dates or Welcomed “going Dutch”, initiated Sex First, etc. At first it surpised me since I never met Women who were the “Go for It/Go Get It” mindset but eventually I had to let my Ego and Pride fall back.
Some Men will and have taken advantage of the “Lean In” mantra going around today, why wouldn’t we? If Women can Change so can Men, and yet the same battles of Gender Conflicts of the Past have spilled over to 21st Century life, rather than just realizing and admitting that what worked (or didn’t work) for my Parents, Grandparents and their Parents doesn’t have to be Repeated or Affect Me and my peers, or even Themselves unless they are so stuck in their ways and are not open to Change itself.
I say all of the above to clarify that We all have to live our Own Lives, either Compromising or Complimenting others in a relationship setting; what works for You truly isn’t universal for All Women, just as my experiences aer not what All Men have or had.
There is wisdom in what she has written – because she has learned from experience and recognized the truth was always there, and she liked you ignored it until she found herself in a place where she recognized it. There’s nothing wrong with knowledge and trying new things, etc – but basic principles are just that and they work.
Brotha,
I couldn’t have said it better myself!! I find it funny/odd that sistah’s will scale EVERY obstacle in life and find a way to succeed, be it; self awareness, education, finance, parenting etc etc… but mention to her that she “should” or may want to re-think those fake traditional roles of meeting him and doing something different than laying on the train tracks like a damsel in distress…NOPE!!!!
I applaud the author of this article for doing her best at up-lifting women of color…But I also find it disheartening in the fact that women wont even ATTEMPT to be that in which they seek in regards to trying a different approach if the “traditional way hasn’t worked. Sure you’ll kiss some frogs, much like men have kissed a few when they pursued you- that doesn’t mean you should throw in the towel… Times are (and always will) changing…this much is FACT!
Seems from the comments listed, we must all find a “happy medium” and do what works for us. Meaning, like women, men are not all the same, nor respond/react to the same stimuli in the same way. So it would seem that our interaction with one another as men and women would be on a situation basis where we do not treat each respective partnrr as the one before or punish them because of our experiences with the one before!
Well said sir. I like that.
Sharlene Gillespie · President at Gillespie Bankruptcy Professionals
Great article Nikki. I did that once and caught myself before I made a fool of myself. Sometimes, we women really do go hard when we find a man that we are really into BUT is he really into us?
This is so on point and very much a lesson that I learned and relearned several times.
Thank you, this is well-written and steeps of wisdom. A male family friend once told me to 1) never give a man more energy than he is giving you = don’t pursue a man 2) girls/women should know their worth and 3) never have to pursue a man. I didn’t listen to this, have pursued men and put myself in relationships that were beneath me and/or went nowhere because when it came down to it, the men were not into me like I was into them.
I am living my best life and allowing divine order to lead my steps toward the right relationship.
Peace and love!
Great article Nikki! Our father taught us the same thing. I am glad for his teachings. I saw him show and demonstrate this to my mother everyday. I really believe by God’s grace of course this kept me on the straight and narrow as a young female.
Great article! I think the man who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to go after it, would appreciate this article. We need men to be men and women to be ladies. Good job!
*eccuse the typo-perspective partners
I understand where you are coming from but your reasoning is severely flawed. 1st of all it kills me when women say they believe men & women are equals but then say some dumb shit like “I believe in gender specific roles”. I call bullshit as this is another method used by women to play both sides of the fence. The real truth of the matter is women refuse to acknowledge that if we BLACK MEN are so scarce for whatever reason and we all are in jail, gay, or married it would seem women would be more proactive in the pursuit of QUALITY men they find attractive. It’s basic common sense that if something you want is considered scarce or damn near non existent YOU put forth the effort to obtain whatever it is you want and not sit on your butt waiting for something to happen. This is basic 101 shit. Here is another dose of reality for my sisters out there and that is 9/10 times the man or type of man you’re looking for isn’t or will not be checking for you. The dude that’s on his square and handling his business most times has so much going on he doesn’t have time to play theses entitlement games a lot of woman play. Speaking for myself I’m successful and gave up pursuing women a long time ago. I had know idea that by doing this and focusing on me I would have women coming at me left & right. I dress well, make good money, travel, and live an awesome life. I’m the prize and a lot of women recognize this & approach me as such.
Wow! You sound like a weak New Age Man as my mother always said that soon men will become “Lovers of Themselves and each other”. You may have them chasing you; however, if you are the King you will pursue what you desire for happiness. That’s the problem that our community has is narrow minded brothers like you!
It’s great to love yourself and do you but step up when you meet a queen….
Right Don! And how many of those women that you claim recognize “the prize” actually got a commitment or a ring from you, other than just some booty call for sex?
To address you and some of your comrades that commented earlier and those that have yet to comment, you can only marry one person at a time. If all these so-called liberal women are approaching you so you don’t have to put forth any effort, what are they getting out of this? 2 minutes of fun? 5 minutes if they’re lucky? Men who are still sports fishing (as Steve Harvey calls it) ain’t really qualified to comment because you want it to come as easy as possible. Point being: what the bulk of these women did to get you is irrelevant because you can only marry one anyway, which means we can assume you were not serious about the bulk of these women that you claim were chasing you.
See, a woman looking for something serious may not follow a textbook, but she definitely will recognize a man that makes an effort to show his interest in her. Frankly, I don’t care how much your bankrolling. An idiot is an idiot and a dog is a dog. College degree and all! You don’t sound like you’ve found the right woman so of course you’ll sit here and argue that a woman should be putting forth the effort to chase you. Please check back when you actually find that right woman and tell me how much work she had to put in to get you? I’ll be here waiting chompin’ on my Doritos. :x/
Chicago Don, my mother always told me if you want something you go it. Black women, including myself we are the ones who keep ourselves single, without husbands. If we want and education, we go out and get it, if we want to buy a house or new car, we go out and get it. If we want a husband we have to go out and get a husband. Besides I think a man should get some type of feedback from a woman if she is into him or not. Communication and building a relationship works both ways, it’s not one sided.
I agree that times are changing but nothing changes the fact that a woman should NOT pursue a man! In ALL the times I’ve pursued I only ended up being hurt and crapped on…..so I DON’T pursue at all anymore. On the other hand do I believe that a woman should let her interest in a man be known? YES I do, but once you express interest, back off and leave it alone. Don’t continue letting it be known…..aka “pursuing”. I truly believe that when a person is interested in you they’ll let it be known. You won’t have to play mind games and try to figure a person out. I’ve clearly learned from my past experiences that to pursue a man leads to heartache and nothingness. I grew up hearing my Mom say “Start out like you can hold out!” I never knew what that meant until I became an adult. Basically if you start out pursuing ‘him’ you’ll continue pursuing ‘him’ in other areas during the course of your “situation” with ‘him’.
That’s right! These men should NEVER be allowed to think that THEY could be worth something or that THEY could be someone’s prize.We just cannot let that happen!
I’m a woman and I agree with you. It’s 2015 so women can pursue men too. I just think that you have to be very strategic and it’s takes a bit of maturity, confidence, and wisdom. At some point, it has to become a two way street and both parties start pursing each other. If that doesn’t happen, then move on. Don’t be stupid about it. I will say that woman are more emotional so we have to be very selective when choosing a man to pursue. Make sure that he is a nice guy and that you know what he’s looking for. Being able to read people helps as well. Also, if you’re going to pursue anyone, then be prepared for rejection. I believe that when you meet that special someone, it’s meant to be no matter how it happens. If that person rejects you, then they’re not your special someone so just move on. I know married couples where the woman was the pursuer in the beginning. Saying that women should never pursue a man is a hyperbole. People come together in many different ways. I will say that immature women who don’t know what they want and/or have self-esteem issues should not pursue a man.
I so needed to hear this today. This article has answered so many questions for me and confirmed my gut feelings. God Bless you! And thank you for your wisdom. Keep Sharing
Yeah, how DARE Don believe that a man could be a prize! How dare he! He should be taken out and shot for being an idiot and a dog (anything else?) and NOT marrying the first woman to come along (only YOU get that choice,right?).
Why, the next thing you know,OTHER guys might think like he does.We certainly CAN’T have that!
I agree with the Author and the test of truth with our family(can’t speak for others) is the bible. My own personal thoughts is that that God is truth and never changing. He is the same today, tomorrow and yesterday Hebrews 13:8. Because of my faith I also believe the verse shared Proverbs 18:22. “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord” I am just looking at this from a Christian perspective
Right On ladylanita!!!
I’m 25 and single. And I’m not sure at this point. But I’ve just been very lonely and staying to myself because I don’t want to seen desperate or don’t want a man to get the “wrong idea” about me. But I must admit that it’s crossed my mind to pursue a man but as you see how most ppl react to that. I’m not interested in ANYONE that approaches me. Just trying to be smart and strong. They say patience is a virtue….just going to be/stay positive. Signed a lovely lonely lady
Thanks designed for sharing such a pleasant idea, paragraph is nice,
thats why i have read it completely
I understand you can’t feed steak to babies so I’ll break it down for my sisters who really want to understand how an alpha male thinks. Most women are used to dealing w/beta males who believes he has to “win” a woman over by catering to her. Truthfully speaking there is nothing wrong w/catering to a woman but only after we have advanced to a certain level. The problem is women expect it out the gate & that’s something a lame does not a real man. Often times women have several lames competing for her by buying & spending $ on her as a way to prove himself. Men like me feel the complete opposite. That’s why a lot of women are mad, they get approached often but it’s usually by lames or dudes they feel are beneatjh them. On the rare occasion a woman meets or sees a dude who they really are attracted to they don’t know what to do or how to act because she’s used to lames & firmly believes the man should make the 1st move. Its those same women who hate on other women for being assertive. It would be like Vegas having to convince people to come visit. Yeah they advertise, but even if they didn’t people would still flock there because it’s 1 of the top travel destinations in the world. A quality dude (black man on his square) living a certain lifestyle doesn’t have to approach women because he is a rare commodity similar to the Vegas experience.
I feel that your article does not offer enough research or evidence to support your statement that a woman should never pursue the man. These types of “rules” complicate relationships and are childish. From what it sounds like the man you were interested in the past simply wasn’t interested in you. He was too immature to let you know. He simply strung you along. Your next boyfriend who is now your husband was mature. He was interested in you and it was clear. Very simple. Not that complicated. I am from Chicago and we don’t follow such rules in our relationships for the most part. I had been in a relationship where I was engaged, and I walked away from it before finally meeting my husband years later. Neither my ex-fiance or my husband played games. My ex-fiance made it very clear that he wasn’t interested in game playing. He answered his phone, he returned my phone calls, and he called me all the time. I also did the same. As for my husband, he is very shy so neither one of us pursued the other. We both were interested and we showed it. If I had of waited around for him to pursue me, it would have never happened and I would have missed out on him. It’s time for both men and women to grow up and say what they want. If you are interested in someone let them know. If the feeling isn’t mutual, move on. If it seems like the other person is playing games, move on. It really isn’t that complicated.
Let’s be real here: the man is the prize. Your protector , your provider, and your leader – you are mistaken! If you think some one is the prize for just showing up – you may need to bring more to the table and prove your worth.