We’re back for another week of our new webseries here on Blackandmarriedwithkids.com called “The Bottom Line“ featuring relationship coaches Ayize and Aiyana Ma’at. Every Monday the couple will provide clear and concise relationship advice that will end with them giving you, “The Bottom Line”. Check out this week’s episode where the Ma’ats tackle communication in your marriage and leave us a comment letting us know what you think.
Relationship & Life Coaches, Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at, are a loving and committed couple that have been together for 15 years and married for 8. Their union has produced 4 beautiful children who keep them very busy! They are the Co-founders of B Intentional, a Human Potential firm that can assist you with improving your relationships, overcoming obstacles, and reaching your most ridiculous goals. They provide perspective and insight to singles and couples through the “Ask The Ma’at’s Love & Life Advice Column” at www.bintentional.com. For more info on workshops & classes, visit www.bintentional.com.
Wow…this one was great! I never had a problem with being real with myself…I was BY MYSELF for so long before getting married, that it was second nature for me to be transparent in my dealings.
I did, however, have a problem with creating that “safe place” for my husband. Because I tended to be very driven (read: hard on myself) when I was single, that translated into my treatment of my husband. So where I thought I was “helping him” as a wife by giving him the real deal holyfield, he took it as nagging, criticizing or not being accepting of who he is.
So where my being real with myself truly helped me, I couldn’t take that attitude to my husband, because he wasn’t very receptive to it. I had to learn how to say what needed to be said in a way that he could chew it up and swallow.
Funny…he was the same way when he was single, but I couldn’t accept the way he talked to me about issues. I expected him to be sweet, but it seemed like he was being insensitive. LOL So we both had to learn how to talk to one another in a kinder, gentler voice.
I has said this before on manyof you’ll article…How can you love someone else,when you care less for yourself,i’m alway real talk,all the time,that why i alway use the phase…in the beginning or from in the beginning….I’m a mother of 3,a grandmother of 5,a stepmother of 29 or morer,i been in relationship,and married,parenting most of my life,i know what real time is about ,i’m soooo direct,seem like i’m in insane with it,cause it got to be that way or noway…when i out in public,i’m alway surround with children’s one way or another,and everytime i get approach by someone asking me how you do it…i want to say something else,but god is good,so i reply,with love and discipline,i give my children’s time out,to think about what they did wrong,and why?and give them time to correct it…in any relationship or marriage,getting to the roots of the solution,you must listening,we are communicating ,but are we really listening? real talking,is getting to the root of what on your mind in the beginning,don’t sweetcoated it,lay it out there like it really is…if you don’t,be for real or straight talking,what the use of talking,you talking loud and saying nothing,cause noone listening…the bottom is… say what you mean and mean what you say….
My husband recently told me that he feels the need to separate. He is not having the best of luck with being the provider of the family and along with problems of infidelity in our marriage (He recently cheated on me),he feels he needs to take a step back and work on himself. Learning to take care of himself before taking care of a family (we have 5 children together) and finding out what he really wants in a relationship (he says he doesn’t want to cheat on me again but scared it could happen again). I’m torn because I hear what he’s saying but I’m totally crushed with accepting the reality of it. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 10 year ( Anniversary 7/29/2010). Communication right in is on edge because I really want to hear him say that he wants to be with me and he’s confident about it. Right now, he’s confused and really doesn’t know where he wants to be. He doesn’t want to separate because he says that’s going to deep and he feels it’s not necessary. What do I want? My husband period. So confused.
The answer to your unsolved question,in my belief…you have only 2 option in this situation…you can deal with it,or let it go…if you decide to deal with it,have a hush mouth,what i mean,you accept his stupid behavior,he is letting you know how he feel,and he want his space,so you are living with him on your own risk…next is the welfare of the children’s that a serious issue to think about also,and the years you have put into the marriage,i would try to work it out,after 15 years it still a spark somewhere there,just dig a littler harder,and a littler deeper….but who am i,to stand between happiness,love and children’s…
@Catherine – if he does not want to separate and if you still want him..then it sounds like to me you all need to get some professional help…perhaps couples counseling can help you work through your problems..but also individual therapy could help your husband with his issues. It sounds like you really have some issues..but if you both are willing to put in the work…you can turn this situation around.
I really like this episode.. create a Safe environment is so true!!! Sometimes your husband may not want to communicate with you because perhaps he thinks you are going to go off on him when he tells you how he really feels about something.
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..VIDEO: The Bottom Line (Episode 3- Can We Have Some Real Talk?) =-.
@ Catherine
I admire your transparency and vulnerability in your post. There are countless people who will be impacted by the honesty of your words. A couple of things come to mind after reading your comment.
#1- Believe your husband. He said he doesn’t want to cheat on you again but he’s scared it could happen again. As painful as it may be to fully confront your husband has what appears to be significant issues that he has to address and face. And, infidelity is not the issue…it is the symptom of a greater issue within him. These are the kinds of things that we must wrestle with on our own, you cannot do it for him. He must make the decision to do the hard work, commit to the process, and press through.
#2 As much as it is tempting to focus all of your energy on your husband right now, it is absolutely imperative that you focus on yourself. There is a fine line between unconditional love and support and co-dependence/enabling him. You have to be clear about what your “non-negotiable” standards are and then stand by them no matter how much you want to be there for your husband.
I am not recommending that you stay together, separate, or divorce….that is a very personal decision that only you can make. My husband and I have worked with numerous couples who were dealing with this exact kind of situation and many have been able to work it through. But, as you travel your path in this phase of your life and marriage remember this: People can only do to you what you allow–including your husband.
Wanted to add to the question “How do I get my husband to open up?”. Men need to know that their wives aren’t sharing information with their girlfriends. They may not feel comfortable sharing deep feelings with their spouse if they know their spouse can not “lock it in the vault”.
VIDEO: The Bottom Line (Episode 3- Can We Have Some Real Talk?) | BlackandMarriedWithKids.com