True story.
I’m working from home today. My wife of 19 years, who’s also working from home, comes into my office to chit-chat. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then she hits me with…
“Do you mind if I talk to Mitchell?”
I take off my glasses, swivel from my computer, and give her the ‘serious face’ look. Cuz…ain’t but one Mitchell for which that question applies. Her ex-boyfriend…right before I swooped in and snatched her off the market over 20 years ago.
Some Background
I met my wife at work, 2-yrs before we got into a committed relationship. During our platonic friendship, she and Mitchell were on and off. Mostly off.
After we got engaged I could tell she still had feelings for him.
After we got married, I didn’t mind if she and Mitchell still spoke. After all, I had more Mitchell-like relationships than my wife. And I didn’t expect to cease communication with all my Mitchell-ettes after I got married. But…there was one stipulation that applied to both of us: they must respect our marriage!
Crossing the Boundaries
Being a man…and knowing how men think, I knew that Mitchell would eventually try some “lemme see if I still got it” move. I mean…that’s what guys do. But I had to trust my wife.
So…just a few months into our marriage, Mitchell did the predictable.
“You know I still love you…right?”
DUMMY MOVE…MITCH! My wife told me. (HAHA – didn’t expect that…did you homie?)
My response was like,
“He’s done. He crossed the boundaries. You can either shut it down or I’m gonna shut it down.”
“I’ll shut it down.” she replied.
Fast Forward 19 Years
I’m sitting in my office…glasses in-hand…looking at my wife like she’s crazy.
Me: “Yes, I do mind. He’s on the list. He crossed the boundaries. So…no, I don’t want you to talk to him.”
Her: “But that was 19 years ago. He was young. He’s married with children now.”
PAUSE ||: Is my wife in my office prosecuting an argument for speaking to her ex-boyfriend who previously crossed a boundary we both agreed to? I was having an out of body experience. Where is this coming from? Have they already spoken? What’s really going on that she’s not telling me? All these questions are going through my head…while I simultaneously had to maintain a cool-calm-collected demeanor because I didn’t want to discourage my wife from coming to me with her desires/questions in the future.
PLAY >>: We went back and forth for several minutes. She argued for it. I maintained my argument against it. I asked her why she wanted to speak to him. She said he asked their mutual friend about her and wanted to know how she was doing.
Read: 5 Marriage Boundaries Your Family and Friends Should Never Cross
The Choice is Yours
Finally, I was like, “You know my position. It’s not going to change. But you can do what you want. It’s your decision. Just know… if you open up that door – after 19 years – to allow us to continue to communicate with people who previously crossed the line, you will be creating a precedent by introducing something into our marriage that we agreed shouldn’t be there. And I don’t know how that’s going to affect our marriage.”
After an awkward moment of silence…I put my glasses back on and swiveled back towards my computer. She slowly closed the door and left my office. And that’s how it ended.
BMWK: Was I wrong for not wanting my wife talk to her ex-boyfriend after 19 years? Let me know what you think in the comments below.
Seven years ago, I found out accidently that he was texting this same old girlfriend, and I told him that if it happened again, it was a deal breaker.
At that time, our children were still living at home so I decided to remain in the marriage. Now we are empty nesters..
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I have a very similar situation, & Not a fan myself. But i try not to come across or lead with the Iron hand.
My wife’s Ex is/was my friend long before she & I met & prior to our marriage,They had a brief history together . However I know him too well, he is a Narcissist & Womanizer, & the way he treats women, again Not a Fan!
I feel he too would or has crossed that Line, not only with my Wife, but in his own Marriage(s)….yes plural….Weird, eh
When this happens, It Makes it very difficult to Trust either. But I need to trust her for my kids sake. Ultimately its her decision, hopefully no Lines get crossed.
#Boundaries
I was in a similar situation 9 years ago. I wasn’t as collected as you were and just outright said “under no circumstances”. I went as far as to say if she contacted him again, the marriage was over (30 years). There were bad feelings for a while but things eventually went back to normal. I don’t regret a thing I did or said.
I’m in a current similar situation. My wife and I took a break for about a month last year while still dating and she stayed with a mutual friend of ours. I knew she would contact him; I’d be dumb not to think otherwise. Turns out she slept with him, too. She told me about it, but I was still hurt even though she was honest. She said “we were taking a break.” I reminded her “yes, and we still were talking on the phone every day and telling each other we loved each other. And you didn’t make it clear to your ex w were taking a break and not broken up.”
I told her I didn’t want her to talk to him anymore and she said she wouldn’t. She’s broken that boundary numerous times with excuses like ” well it’s because of how you were acting, if you hadn’t been this way I wouldn’t have reached out, etc.” I even put my pride aside to meet him and he was a nice enough guy. I tried to be cool about it, I just can’t get over what happened and it’s been over a year since then. Recently she went to take a “walk” with him and I told her I didn’t like it but do what you want if it’s important to you. Again, I was trying to be open minded. Turns out she shared with him we were having problems. I was very hurt because she emotionally connected to him. I told her no more, and then one day after she picked me up from work, he had been trying to call her. He called while I was in the car and before I could get a few words in she answered and talked to him for like 10 minutes. I felt ignored. He called to say he suddenly “got engaged”. I’m so confused and she has said they have always been more friends than romantic however I just don’t trust her completely when it comes to him and I don’t want her talking to him AT ALL. I don’t feel bad about putting my foot down. When I told her that, she got quiet for a moment and then said “ok”.
That doesnt sound like putting your foot down lol she slept with him and took a call from him In front.of your face after that? And you still with her? You apparently feel you deserve that treatment if you’re still in line for a second serving lol man to man t by ats very disappointing
Yeah man that don’t sound like you put your foot down. Seems like your wife got your number. You need to leverage with her some how, but don’t hit her (that’s coward). However, improve masculine self, lift weights, build testosterone in yourself and start going out and surround yourself with beautiful women. Your wife is making you jealous with some bitch ass (best friend) guy. That shyt is disrespectful. Either (A). kirk the fuck out and let you know how you really feel. Or being the cool person you are portraying, at least (B). pay it no mind and get beautiful bitches. Lots of ’em, and make her jealous.
When your wife asks who is that, that just called. Say a friend was calling to check on you and how you are doing. That’s it, keep it minimum and keep your wife guessing.
Hell, meet your new girls in person and set up a lunch date or something. Build your esteem & confidence. I know its depressing just remembering that your wife screwed another guy, and still is talking to that same guy.
Sad that you gotta play this game with your wife but she clearly don’t respect you or your marriage. You gotta recreate the rules. You are the man of the house,
Oh and I almost forgot, you could just leave her. Cause if the jealousy game doesn’t work, You spazzing out to her warning her to keep away from the bitch, or anything else you are better off finding another woman that respects you. Men breath respect.
You were absolutely right! When we were still dating, my wife asked if I minded if she and her ex hung out. I said absolutely, that if she were going to do that then I was out. She wanted to invite another ex to our wedding, I said no (I almost called it off right there on the spot) I put it in no uncertain terms that ex’s were not to be brought up and were never to be spoken to.