One day, when going through my parents’ old photographs, I found a picture of my teenaged parents sitting together on a couch in my grandparents’ house. Now, they’ve known each other since they were 12, so hanging out together was probably a frequent occurrence by that point. What was striking about the picture is that my dad had a suit on and my mom had on a dress that only a tad bit too informal for a prom or some other school dance.
“Were you about to go out?” I asked my mom.
She craned her neck to look at the pictures in my lap and shook her head. “Nope.”
“Well”...did you just come back from somewhere nice?”
“No.” She shrugged. “Your dad just came over to watch a movie.”
“He came over to your house in a SUIT to watch a movie with you?”
She rolled her eyes. “What was he supposed to wear? He was coming over to my house to see me and spend time with me and my parents were going to be home as well. It wouldn’t have been appropriate for him to show up in a doo-rag and Timbs”...” she added, mocking my outfit of choice for guys back then. (Please don’t hold that against me ““ I’ve grown since then!)
I paused.
Just by looking at that photo, I could see the kind of respect my dad had for my mom, even back then, in the early stages of their relationship. By taking the time to put on a suit and tie (which, yes, might be a overkill) just to sit on a couch, he showed that he knew she was special.
The only time I ever had a dating experience close to that I ended up marrying the guy. I don’t think people (at least those my age, in their 20s) really know what dating is. Dating is seen more as something to do to pass the time on a Friday night rather than a chance to learn about yourself, the person you’re interested in and if a future together would work.
What do you think? Is dating passé? In a world of hook-ups and quickie marriages and even quicker divorces, do you think people know anything about courting?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.
Thuso says
I agree. The notion of dating in the context of my generation is long past. I am 63, and we have been married for 43 years. In high school, and shortly thereafter, I would visit my wife and sit in her living room while her father was on the fornt porch — certainly not very far away. If we went out to a ball game, a dance, or a movie, you can bet that someone was waiting up for her safe return.
The notion of dating then was getting acquainted. We catually talked (in between the kisses and hugs), and we knew that there were boundaries that meant something. Of course, our hormones were jumping like peas in a pot (and as Moms Mabley would say, “They wouldn’t be jumping if the water wasn’t hot!”). It didn’t take long before her father was asking, “What are your intentions with my daughter?”
I hate to jump off the cliff into the abyss, but today, my observation is that young folks are acting like “rabbits” — and having babies almost as rapidly — with no notion of responsibility for matrimony or awareness of the challenges of parenthood. Sexual activity is “recreational.” There is no longer anything to look forward to in building a marriage or family. There is only “recovery” from the wild days of youth. When the inevitable strains of living together appear, they revert to their “rabbit tendencies” and just run off to another briar patch.
Courting was a part of the culturally acceptable ritutal for not only the man and woman involved, but for families to get to know each other and assess the extended value system that would support and sustain the marriage when it occured. This ritual was a preventive measure against “baby mama drama.”
In closing, when I lived in South Africa for 3 years, I watched the traditional ritual of the man sending “an uncle” to ask for the hand of a young woman. That cultural ritual involved a negotiation to determine the value of the relationship — to be paid by the bride groom as “labola” in the form of heads of cattle. If a young woman were pure and well educated, the price was higher. Only after the uncles had notiated with the father of the bride, and the labola agreed, could the young man approach her father to consumate the deal.
That tradition still remains today in a revised form — they pay cash and not cattle today. The idea is that a wife is to be valued highly and is a treasure. Notwithstanding the changin customs and women’s equality, the idea is one that is founded on principals of respect and value — respect for the father of the bride, and value of the treasure of a good wife.
We have lost any semblance of the tradition of courting in our society today. I hope that something emerges that restores respect and value. I don’t want the rabbits to take over.
Thuso.
Aja says
I think that the idea of courting has changed as times have changed. Not to say that it shouldn’t come back to some degree, but when I look at people like my parents for instance, they dated as teenagers and got married at 21 as did most of their friends. The idea of coming over a parents house and sitting on the couch and asking for a child’s hand in marriage made more sense because at that point people really were “dating to marry”. These days people are normally getting married a lot later. Most 16 year olds aren’t as interested in truly courting because realistically they probably aren’t getting married for at least another 10 years and they likely aren’t marrying their high school sweetheart.
Do I think that some of the respect that came with courting has gotten lost as time has progressed, yes.The way we date becomes different when most of us are grown before we start looking for a spouse. I don’t really think the problem is that things should be the way that they used to be, I think its that times really have changed but we haven’t really figured out how to adjust to the way things are now.
W.O.R.S.H.I.P.P.E.R says
I’m back…love the approach…and I so agree that “Courting” is a lost Art. The art that set boundaries and reinforce accountability.
If we would force our selfs to teach the values that enhances the image of society then we can take back our children, our homes, and our communities at large.
I’ve noticed this one thing for a while now. That thing is the generations before us points the finger at the generation now and coming – this can’t be right- instead of reevaluating the problem in order to find the source and start the restructuring process. We just talk about what the boys/young men are doing while the fathers “Backbones of the Family” are giving up and leaving the battle fields of the homes…(Because there are very few men that are seeking God for the strength and guidance needed to bring children into this world much less raise them in the Fear and admonition of God – and because majority of the fathers or “Men” no longer fear and respect the Sovereign God of the entire universe). If my memory serve me well the Bible said something like not to remove the Ancient markings or pillars that our fore fathers established (not a direct quote). Well sound like not only were they moved however even the very idea or thought of having forefathers have been removed. Why? Because majority of our males in this society has forgotten whose Image and whose likeness he was created in and the very pride/esteem of being the head or leadership that was filled with integrity. So forgotting to first live the Dream/standard then teaching the things the Word of God said to teach generation after generations; to demonstrate the lifestyle that is exemplary and brings Glory to God First and in turn rains in our very own families and communities; to stand for Righteousness even if it means you stand by yourself.
My friends we have a problem…Are we moving forward? Yes but how? Like a Volcano that devours the very source of its containment without being able to take into consideration the reasons for its boundaries or containment.
What was now just a simple question is now a piece of the puzzle that put together a bigger picture…I’ll say this much trying to do something without been taught can be painful and destructive… and if done right rewarding at the same time.
so much to say and so little time…if you have any questions email me @ [email protected]
Harriet says
Courting…my husband and I have plenty of laughs about when he met my family for the first time. Three generations of men–my grandfather, two uncles and my brother–sat my then fiance down at a table and GRILLED him for upwards of four hours! All this was taking place while I was serving our guests in the other room. Sounds like something a family would do to a 15 or 16 year old couple, huh? I was TWENTY-SIX years old! LOL!
We have lovingly named that incident from Thanksgiving 2003 the “Thrilla in Manila.”
I agree with Aja…back then, people were definitely “dating to get married,” and that was very much the case with my husband and I. We had already nursed our own broken hearts by going through the drama of dead end relationships, and when we met, we knew it was the real deal.
I’m a proponent of “dating to get married.” Unfortuantely, I had to learn that art the hard way, through a trail of ridiculous relationships.
Thuso, it still exists today…it’s the exception, not the rule now, but there is hope yet for our future generations. The thing I love about the Lord is that no matter how difficult and negative things get, He always leaves a remnant of people who have committed to doing things His way.
ToBeHonest says
Women lowered the bar. Enough said.
Anna says
ToBeHonest said:
Women lowered the bar. Enough said.
~~~~~~~~~
So ture and I personally forgot about that until last week when I was watching GMA and Steve Harvey was on saying how he had to play if off when he met his current wife. She was waiting at her side of the car door and he was already in the car. He hurried up and got out and played like he forgot something in the trunk and went and opened her door. He said women stopped expecting. I told my husband about what Steve said and that I wanted and expected him to open my car door as he use to(he always opens other doors). While getting out of the car Sunday hubby opened my car door. I thought I had his left overs and he was going to carry them in the house. I had forgot the converstation hubby and I had just a few days prior. Now I have to remember what I expect so I don’t look surprised when he opens my door. My kids courted and their bf/gf would come over for dinner, or to watch a movie or sports. They don’t show up with a suit and tie on but they don’t show up with doo-rags and saggy pants.
Great post Tara.
Anonymous says
I totally agree. Women lowered the bar but we have a great opportunity to raise it again. Men are only allowed to do or not do because we allow it. Men these days don’t have to do anything to have sex with a woman. They don’t have to court her, take her out, call her, or even be nice to her. Women are sacred and we need to let men know that by setting clear and healthy boundaries with them and letting them know that we are not toys to be played with. If more women do, men would have no choice except to rise to the occasion.
Mrs. White is ALWAYS RIGHT says
I am also in complete agreeance that women have lowered the bar. But I think a lot of that has to do with parents getting younger and younger. If you weren’t shown something as a child, the odds are slim that you will pass certain things down to your own children.
The whole concept of dating has changed and to a high degree, it irks me. I hate to see guys pull up to a girls house, honk the horn and the girl comes running out! But is it the girls fault? In some cases it might be, but odds are she was never taught how a man should treat her. And from there it just goes down hill.
It all starts with parenting. And I’m going to do everything in my power to bring some things back through my children. Chivilary is not dead…it’s just taking a nap 🙂
Maria says
I found your article very interesting being a british ethiopian, dating in our culure and most african families is a modern concept. For them dating is strictly testing if that person is marriage material. Africans try and marry people from their own tribes as tribe mixing is frowned on and most couples split due to intefering in laws in clannish disbutes. Most girls are thought by their family esp mothers what kind of guys to avoid and who to marry. The problem is these teachings are no longer passed to most girls in western countries due to family breakdowns etc. What you see is girls who do not bargain and settle and carry babies in a desprate attempt to trap a guy sigh never works, girls often choose the wrong men and follow their emotions rather than practical advice. The skill of making a man to love you and having the power over a man is lost. The old grandmothers have more skill and knowledge to run a family but the young generation do not learn from the wise old they think they know it all and when a marriage crises occurs they to busy telling their girlfriends rather than mother. Rule number 1 a girl must never expose her relationship problems. Smart women have always through history controlled the relationships, modern foolish women let it control them
T. Rogers says
As a man, I wholeheartedly agree that women need to raise the bar.
But there is an underlying element here I want to touch on. Men did court women more back in the day. But there were things implied in that “old school†courtship. Men usually courted women who were fairly inexperienced sexually and romantically. That usually was part of the deal. Part of the willingness to put in so much effort came from the mans desire to be with a woman he deemed fairly virtuous.
Nowadays, sexual attitudes have changed drastically. Women are more empowered sexually and will exercise their right to satisfy themselves as they see fit. That changes the game A LOT. Many men will not feel the need to court a woman if he believes other men have not had to put in as much effort for the same woman.
Old school courtship goes hand in hand with old school ideas of gender roles in the minds of most men. But sex is no longer a reward for waiting. It is simply currency exchanged between two parties for temporary personal pleasure. In effect, the power women had to demand courtship was sex. Now that sex flows more freely old school courtship becomes harder to find. Granted, I am speaking in a general sense. Individual women will handle dating and courting differently. But the overall attitude of our society when it comes to women and sex has played a significant role in putting real courtship on the road to extinction.
Courtship isnt dead. People are just trying to figure out how to proceed. When a man finds a woman valuable to him he will court her. Period. The thing is in our modern, wishy-washy society “valuable†means a million different things to a million different people. Women need to set the tone on what they will tolerate. That can cut down on a lot of the BS. But if a woman actually wants to be courted it would be a good idea to take the time to get into the heads of men and see what we consider valuable in a woman. We have been adjusting to you all since the beginning of time. However, changes in gender roles are now making it important for you all to adjust to us a little. And thats a good thing. It helps bring us together.
Anna says
Super great comments and once again Tara this was a great post. To sum it up in my thinkging is that : women do forget about the power we hold as lovers, wives, mothers, care takers and just simply to enjoy being a woman: Most men(real men) don’t mind being called out by their girl/woman/wife when we think they are not doing their job when it comes to “chivery” (sp). There is nothing wrong with reminding somebody that they are not doing their “J O B!). My hubby said that he could do better and I think we both forgot about him not opening the door for me to exit the car. Great LOL moments for us to remember that we forgot. Of course until this post.
{Ms. P} says
@ToBeHonest: Sad, but true…
Real Men are STILL HERE says
Ms. P and ToBeHonest do you all believe in the old saying that it takes 2 to make everything alright? If so then I think that it is also fair to say that it takes 2 to make everything go wrong. I am a man in my early 30’s and I was raised in traditional household and I can say that the values instilled in me as far as courting goes I would say are very commendable albeit I never went over any young ladies house to watch a movie with her while her parents were home with a suit on. I disagree that women in general have lowered their standards BUT I will agree that some women may have lowered their standards. I can’t tell you how many women I meet day to day that don’t know how to appreciate being courted. As a man if I am doing my part then you as a woman have to do yours. If I am bending over backwards to open the door for you and help you put on your jacket or coat and holding the umbrella over your head in the rain while I get wet then your part is to APPRECIATE it. I feel that a lot of women have lost that APPRECIATION for the things that a man goes through and does to court them. You have some women who cant say THANK YOU when you do nice things for them AND even some women who either don’t want to OR don’t know how to let a man know that the things that he is doing to court her are appreciated. I also feel as though the art of “COURTING” has been lost in a time when so many young women are being raised to believe that the man with the most money in his pocket at the time is the right one for them versus the man with the morals and values and the understanding of what it means to “COURT” a woman. As I have not dated “Every girl in the world” as Lil wayne puts it I have dated more than my fair share and not until recently have I come across a woman who was raised under the same traditional upbringing umbrella as myself and so “COURTING” was mutually understood and acceptable between the two of us. She didnt care about how much money was in my pocket or what kind of car I was driving. She was more interested in truly getting to know me for who I am and it was my job to build up her faith, trust, and confidence in me via “COURTING” and establishing a “TRUE” friendship to see whether or not we were compatible for one another. I’m not talking about the 1 to 2 month quickie friendships that a lot of people say that they have established before pursuing a more intimate and in-depth relationship.
So to Ms. P and ToBeHonest dont be soo quick to put it on women lowering their standards because it takes 2 to make everything go right.
sistah1 says
That’s such a sweet story about your parents. I personally try to keep guys I’m interested in from “dating” on my sofa, but the next time a guy does suggest a movie night at my crib, I’m gonna ask him to wear a suit.
https://singleindependentsistah.wordpress.com/2009/09/08/take-the-home-out-of-the-boy/
.-= sistah1´s last blog ..Stop Trying to Change the Game =-.
Telson7 says
Are you looking for a spouse? Have you been trying to find a suitable companion for yourself but do not know what kind of a person would be suitable for you or what to look for in a suitable spouse?
We are going to deal with this issue, since it is one of the most important things in life, right after a persons relationship with God and finding eternal life. We will try to show what things are important in a relationship and what one should look for in a spouse. These points are probably already familiar to many readers; nevertheless, they are worth repeating.
https://www.jariiivanainen.net/how_you_can_find_suitable_spouse.html