Singles, it can be a challenge to learn how to forgive and apologize when it comes to relationships that ended negatively. Perhaps you were the dumper or the dumpee. Personally, I can’t stand breakups, but God has placed people in our lives for a time and a season, so we must be careful not to hold on to something not meant for us.
How to Forgive | Letting Go of the Hurt
In this article:
- How to Forgive as God Intended
- Vulnerability Comes with Learning How to Forgive
- Apologizing Despite Your Pride
- Forgiveness Is Not a Contest
- Spring Cleaning the Clutter in Your Heart
How to Forgive as God Intended
In this process of growing in God and becoming the woman God wants me to be, I have to be open to the lessons my Father presents. One of my exes sent me a message to apologize for his behavior/actions towards me in the last year of our relationship. We don’t normally talk at all, nor are we “friends” on Facebook, but the message still got through.
Any ex who comes into your life asking for forgiveness may bring up feelings you may have not fully addressed after the breakup. The trauma and changes that occurred after the breakup took up a lot of time from the important reflection step in which you look at the relationship, pray, and try to see what went wrong and why. God will reveal that to you, brothers and sisters, so be prayerful always, especially after the breakup.
Vulnerability Comes with Learning How to Forgive
Going back to my initial feelings when he contacted me, I could have felt annoyed, jilted, bitter, upset, spiteful, unforgiving, judgmental…the list goes on. I had to take some time to respond because I didn’t want to respond with emotion, but with spirit and Godly wisdom. I prayed to God to give me wisdom in this situation.
As vulnerable as it is to be apologetic, it can be just as vulnerable to forgive.
Apologizing Despite Your Pride
It takes a lot to apologize. This is a core tenet of learning how to forgive. You have to put your pride to the side, put up your faith, and get your release from what you may have been dealing with. There are millions of people, men and women, parents and children, friends, co-workers and partners who are walking around with a huge weight on their shoulders that could be easily removed by letting go and recognizing their errors.
There is a relieving peace that comes with apologizing. You also help others get their freedom when you apologize because it helps open the door to forgiveness. If you have done wrong by someone like an ex, family member, friend, etc., take the time to pray as to how you should approach the situation and make things right. Apologies make us healthy and keep us human (i.e. no one is perfect).
Forgiveness Is Not a Contest
Forgiveness: If you get the apology first, you are blessed! Not a lot of people get an apology for the wrongs done to them in their life, especially if the transgressor is no longer alive. In the case of the ex, you must forgive them. Forgiveness equals freedom for you, and it has the power to give them freedom, as well.
Forgiveness is a love action, something that God does for us every day. You can’t function properly carrying unforgiveness in your heart towards someone from your past. To get what God has for you in your near future, you have to let go of the past hurt, rejection, and pain that past love has caused. Let God fill those voids in your heart and He will restore you.
Forgiveness is one of the essential parts of salvation, too. Without forgiveness, our lives will have an alternate destination. God has seen and heard all of it before; He has been forgiving His children since before you and I came around, so learn this important lesson from the Master.
Spring Cleaning the Clutter in Your Heart
At the end of the day, apologizing and forgiving require you to make a conscious decision to resolve issues brought up in the past and clear out the clutter in your heart. I told my ex that I had already forgiven him and thanked him for apologizing. That might not be easy for some of you right now and it’s natural to feel hurt, but don’t let that natural feeling stay so long it corrupts your spirit.
Allen Parr teaches us the importance of forgiveness in this video:
I forgave my ex(es) because I want to be free and happy now, tomorrow, and when I’m madly in love with someone better for me than any of those other guys [insert Amen here]. Need to apologize or forgive? Do it sooner than later so you can be better in life, love, and spirit. And when you’re ready to forgive, remember this passage from Mark 11:25 NIV: “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive your sins.”
BMWK family — how will you react if any of your exes calls to apologize for any pain they may have caused you?
Up Next: 9 Healthy Actions During an Argument That Help You Keep the Peace
Editor’s Note — This post was originally published on March 17, 2014, and has been updated for quality and relevancy.
I had an ex seek me out to apologize 17 years after we dated. We were both married. At first I was like “what can he possibly have to say to me?” I was afraid because at one time I really wanted to marry him. He was so gracious to me. He apologized for not being mature enough back when we dated to stick up for me. You see several people at our church didn’t approve of us dating because I had a child. He said it bothered him for years. I’m so glad he called. I was able to say to myself “I didn’t imagine being shunned and realize God had a better plan for my life. That conversation as quick as it was freed something in my spirit.
Agreeing with Tatianah’s comment. You were equally courageous to accept his call. And now you can truly be released from the hurt and pain of that time. God bless you. :- )
So glad you got a release from that conversation! It probably took a lot for him to call after all that time, but you’re just as courageous for answering the call.
My soon to be ex-husband (we are in the process of a divorce) apologized several months ago for many of the issues in almost 30 year marriage. I was stunned at the depth of the sincerity in his apology, as well as the specificity of the details. It was definitely a freeing moment, and I believe we’ll be able to maintain a friendship in the wake of the divorce – which is something I never imagined would be possible. The apology – and my ability and willingness to accept it, as well as acknowledging my own mistakes in our marriage – was a blessing and a healing for us both.
Thank God that’s awesome! You both deserve to be free, let God lead you. Thank you for sharing Cil!
I felt the urge to apologize to an ex for using them and not really treating them right. They havent apologized to me for there failing. But now they are mostly likely going to marry im assuming we are getting to that age and im still single so its a temptation for me to get caught up if try to contact them, so ill let God lead me instead. Im not going hold it against them if they dont but itd b nice so we can all move on
Yeah it would be nice to get an apology but sometimes it doesn’t work out like that. Like you said let God lead you and don’t rush God’s timing. I wasn’t expecting an apology from the ex in this article. It came out of the blue but I had to forgive before I tried to move forward and heal. You got this and God got you too!
Dear Tatianah,
This is the first blog about forgiveness, god and exes that I came across.
I was born and raised as a Christian. I believe in the good of people, kindness and forgiveness.
I was dating a man who struggled with commitment. I truly believe that my kindness, pureness opened his heart for the first time. He has been very emotional and told me I was the sweetest, sincere woman he ever met. I think it scared him.
Unfortunately, I asked for commitment as he was possessive, he broke up but didn’t let me go. Very confusing behaviour from his side as he insisted to be ‘friends’ (he still possessive, touching, flirting etc). I had to let him go.
Later, I found out that during the whole period there was another girl. So he cheated and lied for so long to both me and the girl. I told the girl as there was a STD involved. I got a very unrespectfull reply stating that I am mean, selfish and psycho (which he told her)
He never apologised, never came clean to me. All this time he wanted everything from me and I treated him with respect. Now he ignores me and lies to his the girl that I am completely twisted.
How to I find closure without the apology. I feel I want to write him a letter (for my own closure) in which I explain that I want to forgive him, to explain what he did, what an apology would have meant, why I and God appreciate honesty and I want to tell him that one day I want to forgive him and that I hope he will open his eyes and treat people in the future well. I want to tell him that I saw a good man in him before he started to be trapped in his lies. I feel that my kindness ( which he has seen before) may open his eyes that living life in lies is harming people.
Would you recommend to write such a letter. I am afraid that he will use it against me, but I believe in the power of sincerity and honesty. I prayed to the lord and I found your blog so maybe you have some advice for me.
Hi anonymous,
In this case it’s very unfortunate what has happened between you and your ex. I’ve learned a while ago that while you may want to get closure and see a positive end to things, you may not always get that and you have to be okay with that. We have to trust God when He cuts people out of our lives, no matter how it went down.
If you don’t see a purpose to reconnect in the future, then there is no need to communicate with the ex any further. Take it up with God first if you really feel the need to reach out. If anything, it may be therapeutic for you to write or type out the letter and not send it. Releasing that emotional energy and praying about its contents can help in your healing process. Don’t go to the one who hurt you to heal, go to God in prayer.
At this time your main focus is to heal and forgive yourself first for any wrongs you’ve done before you find forgiveness for him. It may take some time for that closure, but God heals the broken hearted and He knows why you’re hurting. It’s a lesson learned and you are going to be stronger because of what you went through. Remember that it didn’t kill you! You were built to endure it and it’s best to recover by loving on yourself and seeing yourself the way that God does.
No matter what the other woman or your ex says about you, you are valuable, loving, and above all a Child of God. Their opinions don’t pay your bills, so don’t stay stuck on the broken record of words that has played in your mind. Remind yourself of what God says you are in the Word. Be encouraged!
Thank you for you reply and you encouragement, it means so much. I believe the reason why I found this website and all the articles as I was trying to get the answers in the world and not from God.
You are so right that I have to reach out to God. I lost track on him but I am praying, asking for his guidance. And I start to feel his guidance in my life. His timing is so right and I need to learn again to trust him.
I will heal and forgive. And I will see what God has planned for me. I refuse to write my ex off as a bad person but yes he also has been disrespectful. I will let God deal with that.
Thank you again!
Hey Tatianah!
I’d love to hear your thoughts.
In a time span of 9 months, I broke up with the same girl 4 times. To this day, I can’t explain why, at one point, I wanted her, and then weeks after we’d get back together, I didn’t. But the facts are that I told her that I loved her, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, promised her that I’d move to the state she’s from, and we also crossed certain physical boundaries. We broke up 3 weeks ago, and I have no intension of going back to her because I realize it’s not what I want. While we were breaking up, I verbally apologized for everything. But 3 weeks later, through a friend, I learned that she currently feels hurt, betrayed, angry, and upset. She also asked me not to contact her while we were breaking up. But my question is this: Should I, at some point, write her a formal letter of apology, spelling things out in detail, in hopes that it would help heal and bring closure?
Thanks. 🙂
Hi George,
It may be a good idea to take time to determine why you didn’t want to go through with the relationship with her for your sake. Breaking up with someone several times is a sign that something was wrong on one or both ends of the relationship.
When my ex apologized to me he didn’t include any details as to what hurt me, he just sent a sincere apology at a time when he didn’t have to. He took responsibility for the hurt he caused but didn’t spell it out…I remembered already.
You can send a letter or message but it depends on the person and how they will receive it. She may still be hurt and that will be on her to let go, forgive and heal. If you’re apologizing for your own healing then you can mention how you feel about what happened. If there was a specific action you need to aplogize for then be sure to spell that out.
Pray about the timing for sure. I didn’t receive that message until over a year after the breakup. Overall be sincere and non accusing, while being wise to not lead her to believe you want to open the door to her again. I pray that you’re led in the right direction.