One of the best things for a man to experience is being in love. I know that men have gotten a bad wrap for not wanting to be in committed relationships and also for being unfaithful in most of their relationships, but when a man finds love, he is never the same.
Love has the ability to overtake him and thrust him into things he would not normally choose. He is normally very careful to stay away from it because it is so overwhelming and so powerful. Men are born to be conquerors and warriors. Their main objective is to be independent and strong. In their minds love is weakening and is too emotionally difficult to manage. That’s why most men would rather show they love you than tell you.
But regardless of how much men avoid love, love is always chasing them and they know it. Men know when love is knocking at their door. They know the day will come when love finds them and causes them to settle down and begin sharing their dreams, hopes and pains with someone they love and that loves them.
The biggest challenge that most men have is that life has not taught them to love. Instead life has taught them to run from love. Life has trained men to avoid two of the greatest attributes given to them; the attributes of talk and touch. So they learn to do it superficially, but avoid falling in too deep. A touch goes as deep as their skin, but rarely penetrates their heart. They block it at the surface because they are afraid of what it produces when it gets inside of them. Their talk is also superficial, because if their words ever happen to fall on the ears and enter the heart of the one that’s listening, they can find themselves lost in love.
So men are afraid to be in love. They settle for dancing with it in the dark, that way they never have to acknowledge it’s there. So ladies, start turning on the light in your man’s life and he’ll come to know where he is and who he is dancing with.
When a man finds love, he finds life. A man that finds love finds perspective and purpose. All men want to care for something other than themselves. Men need other people to depend on them. They need people to love and people that love them. It’s what they want, but it’s also what they run from. However, they can only run until someone closes the door and shows them that they cannot run any longer. Men want that! Men want to know that their lady is in it for real. That he is important to her and that she needs him.
When men fall in love life happens for everyone around them. Yes, women play a role in helping men come to know love, but love itself must find him and until it does he will always be in the dark. So instead of trying to make him love you, pray that love will find him and when it does both you and him will know it.
BMWK – Join us in welcoming our newest writer to the family, Leroy Scott. Why do you think that it is difficult for some men to fall in love?
A wonderful article! I am dating a wonderful man and he said something similar, once he settles down everyone else will. I find it funny that all of his friends are seriously dating since we met. Very helpful in guiding a relationship and a marriage.
Che, well y’all show the brothas how it’s done! You betta’ work. ~RuPaul
Beautiful article! I thought about my husband and our journey the whole time reading it. And it’s true! Once a man realizes he has a woman who’s in it for the long haul and he can be vulnerable with her without her perceiving him as weak, he will move mountains, cross oceans, he will do whatever it takes!
Thank you Mr. Scott for this article. Very nice debut!
In response to the question what makes falling in love difficult for a man, namely me:
I like what you said about dancing in the dark and it inspired me to realize that, as I said in reply to another comment above, When I was a boy, I spent much time and consideration on figuring how I could get girls to turn out the light, and when I became a man I have to thank The Most High God for bringing me a woman who turned on the light!
Indeed, my queen who I love deeply and am committed to, is a light, she helps me to serve and worship my God more fully, as I need my helpmate to do, and as opposed to what most women tend to do, she is not a distraction and competition for my attentions between me and pretty much anything, especially my God.
But, the dancing in the dark thing is the key: I spent so much time running from love as you say, that I started chasing, mostly subconsciously, the least likely candidates for my happiness. l learned early somehow, I couldn’t really name a trigger or reason that I became aware of it, but I guess, I could say I knew me and what was in my heart, and if I ever happened to run into that beautiful young woman who I really, really believed loved me, and I had her heart and was able to trust her and open up to her and be vulnerable and make her my queen and let her into my heart of hearts, the power she would wield would be earth-shaking, atom-smashing, universe-changing and no woman should have all that power. I mean even I don’t have that power over my emotions, and by extension myself. See I came up in a hard life, tough school, tough neighborhood, racist police, being sensitive and in touch with my feelings was not an option that I could see. Shit let some kid at school see you talking some sensitive stuff, you just asking to get bullied. Let some racist cop see that he get you annoyed a bit, you’re 20 seconds away from a beatdown and a new trumped-up false charge. As Mr. Scott says that shit is a weakness. So, I kept my emotions well in-check. Shoot one of thsoe emotions peep up it’s ugly head I would just say Hey! What you doing?!! And boy that emotion would just scram! Ummm, uh, really, I didn’t really have them in check, the truth was I didn’t even know them. I couldn’t even tell you one of their names until I was about 35. People ask me “how you feeling?” I’d be like “I’m cool” “Good” “Fine” “How’s u?” That’s who I thought my emotions were. Had no idea they went by other names, truthfully never thought about it, they were as far as I was concerned some really unnecessary distractions and liabilities. They just need to be kept out the way, stuff them back here in this closet in my mind, oh look there’s a hole there, it seems the stuff in my mind drops down this hole to the closet in my heart. kewl I’ll keep them there. So… I gotta run, can’t be having any woman with that kind of power, not running to save myself but everyone else in the universe! But still a man got needs, I know I don’t need any of that universe-changing falling in love stuff, but I do have more “superficial” needs. Needs that could be filled by simply pretending to love “dancing in the dark” and if all that stage-love threatened to turn real, I could always just mess it up by letting myself get busted cheating, and if that didn’t work and the dumb bitch didn’t realize I was just make-believe loving her yet, then I would just keep doing that and maybe I’d start disrespecting her (unless I was feeling horny then I’d have to pretend to be nice of course, unless we were at the point that I just took it whenever I wanted it) and if that didn’t work I’d have to start spending her money up and not providing for her. You get the picture. I had to do all this because see I couldn’t afford to be all sensitive and weak and give up that awesome mind-bending heart-wrenching power to anyone. So I’d dance in the dark…
Then after dancing in the dark had gotten me all bruised up… someone turned on the light and while I was talking to her trying to once again see if I could get her to take it off and turn out the lights, she asked me “Who are you?” and with as much braggadocio as I could muster I said “I’m a man! A Good Man!” (What a joke) Then she said no you misunderstand “Who are you to Him?” as she pointed her index finger on her right hand towards the heavens. I said “Oh!” and I paused, she had caught me off guard. I had to search my heart, cause boy she’s fine and I can’t let her get away. So I opened my heart and I replied from there truthfully “I’m His adoring son, what else could I be”?! We talked all the time and she would never let me not talk from the heart because she spoke from hers and when she told me she loved me, I already knew because it was as clear to see as sunshine and nothing has been the same since! i have given up my boyish ways and I no loger think, talk or act like a boy instead I am now a man and truthfully working on being a better man thanks to my queen turning on the light!
Thank you again Mr. Scott as you can see I enjoyed and found your article particularly relevant!
Wow my Black brother you put that soooo eloquently! As a Sista that has recently been found by her King. I will be sure to continue to be a light in his life. Thank you also for your honesty on how you treated women. You gave insight on why not making excuses that it was right but resolutions of why you acted out! Very helpful.
I agree with this article, but I would start with the man’s relationship with Christ. If a man has a relationship with Christ and has the Holy Spirit living inside of him, he then will have the chance of having and giving love to the fullest. From what I have seen growing up these last 46 years is this, when a person has a daily walk with the Lord and is growing it is easier for them to come together with someone else in marriage and stand the test of time. Your spouse, job, cash, fame, etc… doesn’t complete you, only the indwelling of the Holy Spirit and a daily walk of faith completes your life.
I take exception to your statement, because there are a lot of people or couples who don’t believe in “The Lord” and they are happy within themselves and within their marriage. That statement in and of itself is a false statement because people such as the Jews. Jehova Witnesses and the Muslim don’t believe in the Lord and look how happy they are. People who use the Lord as an excuse or give the Lord credit where credit is not due should really stop it. What you put into your marriage, physically, mentally and spiritually is what you get out of your marriage.
This is very inspirational…. I wish more men, especially the brothers, read more books and attended seminars about love and relationships from authors who have a healthy viewpoint. A lot of the relationship advice is on an immature level (e.g. the movie How to be A Player).
I am so grateful for your very detailed response. I am a woman who is falling in love with a man who is falling in love with her. We are both entering middle age and I truly believe that we are both experiencing real love for the first time in our lives, although we have both been married before. He told me that when we met, as we began to talk he saw That I was glowing or lit up and that When he reveals the darkest corners of himself to me, the parts that he has shown to no one else, I help him bring his whole self into the light. This man has “danced in the dark” with every woman he has ever spoken with on any personal level, but I would not speak that language with him until we really knew one another, years after we first began the process of becoming emotionally intimate. I am very interested in learning more about the light described by so many men when referringto what I believe is spiritual love. Thank you again for sharing.