We often hear success stories of the likes of Reverend Run and Justine Simmons or Lionel Richie and Brenda Harvey who have adopted children, Miley and Nicole respectively, but what’s the flip-side of tales like these? Who’s responsible when an adoption fails?
MSN’s Today Moms discusses how a failed adoption–known as a “disruption”–can impact parents, a family and especially the child; however, the reasons behind failed adoptions are seldom talked about.
While disruptions often occur within the time it takes for adoption to become final, which could range from a few months to a few years, it rarely occurs among adopted infants. When it comes to older children, however, the likeliness increases 5 to 20 percent due to life experiences and behaviors.
Sage, a 39-year-old stay at home mom describes how her 4-year-old adopted child’s behavior led her to have to give her up after just a year and a half. From spitting and name-calling to telling her 18-month-old ‘Your mommy doesn’t love you,’ and pushing her into walls, Sage found out that her adopted daughter suffered from reactive attachment disorder causing her to display aggressive characteristics and attention-seeking behavior. Sage, like others, realized that she could not provide the child with the environment and care she truly needed.
Zia Freeman, a Seattle-area counselor who’s been in the field for 20 years, says that adoption agencies do everything they can to keep a family together including classes and support groups at the first sign of any problems between the adopted child and her new family.
“The more research a parent does before adopting an older child, the better,” she says. “You’ve got to be open to educating yourself and being honest with yourself. Ask yourself, “Can I live with someone who doesn’t like me for a few weeks or months or years?'”
Read the full article on MSN’s website.
Have you ever experienced the challenges that come with adopting a new child into your family or known someone who has? Was there a resolution, or did the adoption fall through?
Nae says
Thanks for this post as this is rarely discussed. As someone who has worked in child welfare for years, I am always deeply saddened by disrupted adoptions. I often wonder how similar circumstances would be handled given behavior issues with a biological child. Adopted children are oftentimes already dealing with rejection once placed for adoption. The sting of double rejection is frequently irreparable and leads to disparaging outcomes. There has to be a better way.
Sally says
What crap! You adopt a child it is for life. Would you give up your bio kid with the same problems?? I submit not! These are children not accessories!!!
Darren says
First of all my wife does not smoke crack and did not drink alcohol. We were able to make sure that our biological children got the best prenatal care. We were honest in stating what we did not want. It would be something different if we told the agency give us any child you have no matter what the problem, but that was not the case. If they were honest up front, we could have just walked away or waited. We were not in a hurry. we have two older biological children so this was not an act out of desperation.
Dana says
Did you also get to genetically engineer your biological children before your wife gave birth to them?
You’re a parent so you know this, but “bio” parents don’t get to choose for the most part. (There are very rare exceptions in the U.S. where they will do IVF and choose unaffected embryos to avoid passing on something like Tay-Sachs disease. Which I am fine with, by the way.) But aside from that we don’t get to pick. We have to take what Nature throws at us.
Most of us are fine with this even if it hurts sometimes, as when your child is born with a condition that will never let them have a normal life. The point is WE DEAL WITH IT. We don’t decide the parenting has “failed” and send the kid on to live with someone else.
But it amazes me the way adopters are held to such a different standard than parents–despite their protests to the contrary because OMFG they were required to do a home study. You can’t keep your kids if you have drug issues, but if you adopt and later have drug issues, you can keep the kids. You can’t keep your kids if you’re single but if you adopt and are single, that’s okie-dokie. You can lose your kids for being gay (which is bad) but if you adopt and you’re gay, at least in some states, that’s just fine. I could go on and on about this. Anything to make sure that money changes hands for somebody. Even when it’s a state adoption and no agency is involved, SOMEONE is getting paid for your little act of generosity.
I live for the day when we focus more on keeping original families together, and people quit coveting one another’s kids. Even in cases where the kids have to be in foster care, the extended family needs to start stepping up because it’s statistically impossible for them *all* to be bad for the children in question. This game of Swap A Kid has got to stop.
Darren says
I take it that Sally has not had this problem. We were are asked a 100 questions about what we will and will not accept. But when the adoption agency lies to you just to place a child and get a notch in their belt, who is the one treating the kid like an accessory. We asked all the questions and did all the research and specifically stated that we did not want a child that was exposed to crack. The information was dug up after the adoption was finalized. Now we are dealing with the outcome and it is becoming disruptive to the rest of the family.
Wsbirthmom says
Darren…..a notch in their belt is NOT why the agency lied to you. They lied to you because they made MONEY!!!!! Take the money out of adoption and there will be more more adoption. But the INDUSTRY won’t let that happen!
I love seeing posts from social workers that actually state truths that the child already feels rejection from being rejected once. If anyone would have informed me of this truth, I would never have lost my son to the industry. He never would have left my side knowing about RAD, the abandonment issues, as well as the potential insecurity issues adoptive parents may have
, which will cause them to not do what is in the best interest of the child. For example deny my son my milk which is OBVIOUSLY best. He is now plagued with health issues, including steroid treatments on the daily and has been for almost the entire first year of his life. Giving back a child is the most horrific thing that an adoptive parent could do in my opinion.
Dana says
You are treating the kid like an accessory. You even tried to order by material and size. The sooner you face that fact the sooner you might actually be fit to parent someone else’s children. Someone has got to raise the kids who’ve been exposed to crack too. What did you think, that the Foster Fairy was going to take care of that kid for you?
ycurr says
ISpeaking from experience, I suggest you do what you think is in the best interest of your family. The well-being of your “entire” family can be at stake. No, matter how loving and supportive the adoptive family may be, most adopted children mainfest some form of abandonment feelings/issues at some point in their childhood. No matter, if mild or severe, this can be disruptive and affects the well-being of the entire family.
Lovebabz says
Adopting is more than just growing your family. It is also about making a difference in the life of a child. We have adopted 4 children, and each one came with their issues. There were some challenging days. Days where we questioned if we were the right parents. We pressed on and always had in my minds that these were are kids for better or worse. Would we second guess our choice if they were born to us? It is not glamorous or neat and tidy, however the rewards outweighed the stress. My children are the best thing that ever happened to me. To see them growing up as confident healthy people is truly witnessing God’s handiwork. We were meant for these beautful children.
It is heart breaking to see people giving kids back. I’d rather they do that then to have a child they don’t want or love. Kids know if they are wanted and welcome.
Briana Myricks says
I never knew it was possible to “give a kid back”. That’s definitely heart breaking. I’m sure that drastically reduces their chances of ever being adopted again at that point.