By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
This week not only brought me insight but it also provided me a glimpse into the mind of “today’s” single black man.
I recently launched an internet radio show, which I have to admit, has brought more joy than I imagined. The latest show was geared toward singles and my scheduled guests were single guys.
Frequently I am asked to write (or blog) about how to find a relationship. I had been hesitant to do that until now. I have been married for more than 12 years and wasn’t sure what I would be able to offer on the best way to find a mate (since it has been so long). The show gave me the platform to allow them to speak to one another. The plan was to have a candid discussion about dating and being single. The men were randomly chosen from my personal and professional circle. As I planned the show and created the interview questions, I thought I knew how each would answer, based on what I had already known about their lives. I was wrong. I can admit it now – I had preconceived ideas about single black men.
Here’s what I thought:
- Being single, from the male perspective, was nothing but fun. I always thought it was their goal to date a variety of women and not worry about commitment (which is a valid choice).
- Only women create lists about what they want in a relationship.
- Men are generally turned off by a woman who makes the first move.
- The majority of single men may be afraid of commitment.
- Men are not interested in discussing why they are single and what specifically they are seeking.
- Men are totally comfortable approaching a woman.
Here’s what I learned:
- There aren’t very many benefits in being single. The guys revealed their interest in finding that special someone and the search, sometimes, isn’t all that fun.
- There are men who not only create lists about what they want in a relationship but also stick to them.
- Some men are naturally shy and need a sign or the okay before they approach a woman.
- Marriage and commitment are definitely on the radar for some single guys, it is just a matter of finding that one.
- Men can communicate effectively and are definitely willing to share their thoughts and ideas on dating and relationships.
These few single men do eventually want to become married men and it appears they already have a true understanding of this level of commitment. The choice to wait until they know they have found the one is definitely commendable. Relationships and marriages should not be entered into lightly. These types of dialogues allow men and women to be open about what they desire and what they are willing to give and learn from one another. The next show”... single women!
BMWK, what advice would you give to singles looking for ways to find a mate and build a strong relationship?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing radio show on blogtalkradio.com.
*Waving* Welcome to GA.
My advice is simple: Stop thinking of marriage. If you are screening dates for “wifey-material,” there is a tendency to be overly critical too early. Of course, there are notable qualities and a “list” you could use a guide; however, try to aim for someone you can talk to, develop a strong friendship, and most importantly– they can tolerate all of your issues built up from being a single, free, and complicated black man lol.
This gets tricky, because I always want to know where the person is spiritually. If they are believers, then they need to focus on their relationship with Christ, and he will reveal what he has for them and their lives. Everyone won’t be married, which is why marriage IS such a blessing. Just like how a lot of loving couples find out they can’t have children. However, if you live according to God’s will, and have faith, he WILL give you the desires of your heart . God also blocks a lot of mess (mercy), and singles should not force a fit with someone just be in an unfulfilling relationship. While they ‘wait on the Lord’, my advice would be to totally immerse themselves into their goals and their future, and work toward being a better person. Just my thoughts…
This is it right here. Start with the basics of liking and befriending a person before marriage enters the equation.
maybe I’m just new to this site, but why is everyone here so almost extremely religious. It seems more like a black christian married with kids site, than just for black people. I’d love to participate in these discussions more, but the majority of the comments are super religious and it really doesn’t seem like an environment for an honest discussion, to really build. Can we really just discuss a topic honestly as people, as human. Of course, we need to make sure the spirit (and that’s spirit, in a universal sense) is right, and it’s fine to bring that in, but sometimes people get off topic and go into the religious dogma/doctrine too much and takes away from the issues that need to be discussed. I swear half of these comments don’t even touch the topic. Anyway, this isn’t intended to offend anyone. Maybe, it’s just me, maybe i’m the only black person that’s not christian and maybe this site just isn’t geared towards me, maybe…peace
Jf, please understand that there are people here that are christian such as mysel so, you will see responses from the christian perspective. It’s not about being super religious, it’s simply expressing ourselves as christians. As a christian, God is the head and we trust him for what other people may seem is unnecessary. There is a lot of good information that is being conveyed here. You have the same opportunity to voice your opinion.
🙂
I call it the 4 D’s of dating success: discernment, discretion, decisions, and discipline! I learned about these principles after several failed relationships (including a broken engagment) and applied them when Imet my husband. We married 11 months after meeting each other!
JF, the people commenting using faith in their perspective are doing so because that’s the life they live, just like you would enter into a conversation with information you have based on the perspectives you have adopted from the way you live your life. Asking people who live their lives centered around a religious faith – any religious faith – to exclude their faith from their conversations is just as unfair as asking you to act as if you have faith so you can talk to people who do. If a person’s faith is not something that’s important to you regarding dating, then comment on the things that are. What does anyone else’s requirements and standards have to do with yours?
I agree this “While they ‘wait on the Lord’, my advice would be to totally immerse themselves into their goals and their future, and work toward being a better person. — but I find that a lot of women spend so much time in church ( where single women extremely outnumber single men) and focused on their goals…that there is no time or place to meet a man, any man….if you apply for a job you have to do you part–putting out resumes, schooling.etc…what is your part in looking for a man….”if faith without works is dead” then what is the woman’s work when it comes to acquiring a husband…..
I totally understand where you’re coming from and you’re absolutely right. I don’t want to ask someone to exclude something important and necessary to them for my sake or the sake of being general. That is totally unfair. I guess my issue is just sometimes people don’t really address the topic, at all. I was really happy with I stumbled upon this site and felt I would be a consistent participator. I like the topics and I enjoy discussing black relationships and really trying to build on these topics. There are many issues in the black community in regards to relationships, so I felt this would be a great place of conversation and discussion and trying to figure out and solve some of these issues. But, sometimes people revert, or start off, with the religion and it’s almost like they are just repeating a particular rheteric and it’s like it’s not even coming from them. To me, there’s a difference in having your faith apart of your dialogue and just blindly repeating a doctrine because it seems spiritually appropriate. It’s frustrating to want to engage in serious discussion with other people, but you feel that with many you’re just getting some religious avatar, some representative. It’s like when you call for customer service and you feel like “I want to talk to a real person, not a machine…”
But, just like you said people use their experience and perspective in how they discuss matters and if that’s the majority of this sites readership, then that’s what the comments are going to consist of.
I just want to clarify I am in no way saying that a spirituality isn’t important to me, it’s the most important, and I don’t want to look like I’m talking against someone’s faith or belief. That is not my mission.
Peace
Love as you want to be loved, becoming friends first is always a good start, make sure that the one you befriend wants to be your friend, In other words ” Stop overvaluing people that undervalue you as an possible mate or spouse.
There’s irony here.
I know…there is… maybe I’m just a little frustrated because I want to be apart of the discussion, but since my perspective or frame of reference is so opposite, it makes it where I really can’t, and be as active as I’d like…if that makes any sense…
JF,
I think your comments are on point and reflect a lot of my viewpoints. I consider myself spiritual, but not religious and I also think that there need to be tactical, realistic disussions as they relate to black love and marriage. Not everyone is a Christian and not all Christians are devout. And I’ve seen people who call themselves Christians engage in some of the most questionable behavior I know when seeking a mate. I want to meet the real person, not his representative. If everything he says is Lord this and Lord that, without depth or reason, I’m running for the hills.
Hahaha, or the fact that I totally didn’t even speak on the topic…right! super hypocrite…smh @myself
I don’t know if it’s the media or a stereotype that was born in some kind of history of men and how we act, but women some times look at us like we are polar opposites. We have differences, very strong ones at times, but WE aren’t that different as we think. Men, need and want many of the same things that women do. There’s the assumption that men are totally insensitive. Men are extremely sensitive and have many of the same concerns as women, we just express them a little differently. We really have to listen to pay attention and be truly open in order for women and men to communicate effectively.
We can pick so many subtopics out of this post and really explore the assumptions/stereotypes versus the reality.
But this does get the conversation started…and that’s what we need, great!
JF, thank you, I am happy you decided to comment. One of the things that makes BMWK so awesome is the variety of opinions. I guess you have not had the chance to read some of the more heated topics on the site. Believe me those will make you feel better about voicing your thoughts. All are always welcome. What you listed are some assumptions I am guilty of having about single men. The communication is key, the more we discuss the more we all learn.
Build a friendship. Friendship is the foundation.
My advice to those that are single and seeking a committed relationship is to enjoy the journey. Date, meet lots of people, enjoy life, be open while being discernful.
I would like to address the “spirituality’ that is being addressed when it comes to dating. Many Christians say that they are “waiting on God’ to send their mates. But the question I want to ask is when have we’ve ever sat down and waited on God. Waiting on God doesn’t mean being inactive, it simply means actively waiting on God. Waiting in the natural sense means just sitting still, but waiting in the kingdom means combining your faith with action, moving forward with caution and prayer, yet moving. It means to be led by God in doing something.
Yes I believe that God is involved in the process, but He allows us to put action to our faith as He lead and guide us along the way. For instance, Abraham wanted a wife for his son Issac. So he sent his servant out on a mission to look for a suitable wife for his son. Abraham prayed and so did his servant that God would grant him favor.
But the servant had to go looking for the wife. You can’t get married sitting at home watching Christian television all day. (no attack on Christian tv) I’m just saying that many Christians have bought into this pseudo-religious belief system that is erroraneous and unbiblical. And many singles are in churces today praying and crying begging God to send them a wife or a husband.
God is saying I’m not going to carve out a wife or husband for you like I did Adam and Eve.They were the first man and woman on the earth so I had to put everything together. The bible says he that finds a wife finds a good thing. That means you need to get to stepping. Stop sitting around expecting a man to fall out the sky.
Get yourself together. Make yourself available in the sense to not overdo it ladies with all this busyness and so-called pursuing your purpose that you don’t recognize the man when he comes or don’t have ANY time to prepare to be a wife.. Futhermore the bible talks about having children and being married when you’re young. You can have a family and a career at the same time.And men stop looking for Ms. Perfect because she don’t exist. Eve was kicked out of the garden of Eden a long time ago.
This is so funny, but being a mature woman, I so agree with you. Each of us (men and women) must go to God and ask him what will work for us and how are we to go about finding/receiving a mate. We make things harder than what they are, (and for the record I am happily single, with a desire to be married as well)
Get my book Safe House for men! You can’t get to the point of being married if you dont have the teaching to be stable in a society full of animals. Until then it’s better to be looking, than to be stuck.
Her work then, to me, is to be able to bring 100% to the table. We all know that the 50-50 thing is dead, folks have to come with it (financially, spiritually, emotionally, health wise, etc). “A MAN who FINDS a wife, finds a good thing”….I think part of the problem is that my sista’s are “looking” for a man, but really, HE should seek out his help meat……Of course we need to be aware of you guys, and pay attention to men who have qualities and attributes that we desire in a man (so we shouldn’t have blinders on), but ultimately, you need to COME-N-GET IT!!…lol…
JF, there are folks on here that feel EXACTLY the way you do!! SO SPEAK YOUR MIND!!LOL . It’s all good….I think the great thing about this site is that we are all searching for a better understanding…so KUDOS to all BMWK participants….and yea…you focus on answering the question, family!…:)
I have asked questions about this several times, and they are always ignored. I think it is totally reasonable for commentors and posters to talk about their beliefs, but it seems it would be better for the site owners/writers to take a more neutral tone if they are intending to offer advice on supporting black marriage. It’s pretty myopic to act like black = religious and then carry on from there. And I don’t mean this to be meanspirited or antagonistic… it’s just that the whole community needs support, and it’s sad to see those broader needs being subsumed by a pro-Christian agenda.
I agree. The constant overzealous Christian rhetoric makes any disagreement or other view hard to say.
Londoner, I am just wondering why another person’s point of view would make it hard for you to give yours?
I enjoyed reading your comments and encourage you to just “say what you have to say.” As the old adage goes, “opinions are like noses — everybody has one.” And you’re entitled to yours. Religion and religious beliefs are an integral part of who many of us are. We tend to think, communicate and live our lives from that point of reference. I am sure that your honest comments will be the catalyst for an honest discussion. Sometimes folks will go “off topic,” but it’s great when people like yourself weigh in to keep the disscussion on track. I look forward to hearing more from those like you. I think it helps to “keep it real.”
Hello Tiya! I am not Londoner, but I feel the same way as he or she does.
This is why. If I say, for example, that I believe that a single woman who desires a mate should be proactive in meeting new people, someone could respond that the Bible says that women should “not be looking,” and the “he who findeth a wife findeth a good thing.”
While that’s all well and good, that shuts down conversation… perhaps I, even as a Christian, do not agree with that advice? Perhaps I interpret that scripture differently or don’t believe that it is wrong for a woman to look at all? The response then is often, “You can feel that way, but the Word of God is firm on this,” or “Well, I stand on the Word of God, and that’s final.”
And for a person who is not Christian or religious, none of the verses or statements mentioned are even relevant… but still, the response is often that whether one believes or not, God and His Word are real.
Since all of this is based on faith and belief though, can one really say to a non-believer or a believer in a different faith that regardless of what he or she believes, the Christian God trumps all of that?
Again, I say this as a Christian. I appreciate Biblical wisdom, but I’d like to have practical discussion that recognizes differences of thought and that does not take the “case closed” approach just because someone throws out a piece of scripture.
I think most of us Christians on the board know exactly what verses are in the Bible and how they’re interpreted. But throwing out a Bible verse or saying “pray on it” or “put God first” isn’t helping my real-time issue of how my husband and I can put together a household budget, or how we can deal with our respective in-laws, or how — if I’m single — I can meet more quality men or women because my current lifestyle limits the number of people I meet on a daily basis.
One can be religious and still be practical. I think over-religiosity in dating and marriage discussions is actually preventing us from coming up with some legitimate and clear-cut solutions to issues that we might be facing in our daily lives, as singles or as marrieds.
I fully understand the sentiments Of JF. It is difficult for me sometimes when reading advice such as “give to god”. And “wait and He will make a way”. It kind of leaves me feeling as if my real relationship concerns are being pushed aside.
This is an open forum. Speak your thoughts as you feel with or without a Christian framework. People disagree from multiple angles. That’s what makes this beautiful.
As a single woman, I feel that there are single women I do feel that single men want the same things, but as women, we need to learn discernment so that we don’t make bad choices and just classify all single men as noncommittal. It’s hard to think that we should go out looking for man but I understand the proactive argument. I just don’t think women know how that translate into real life. My future blessing of a person will be my best friend because life should be fun, challenging to better, and filled with an awesome peace.
Correction since writing from cell: sentence 5 – As a single woman, I feel that single men want the same things, but as women, we need to learn discernment so that we don’t make bad choices and just classify all single men as noncommittal.
I’m so tired of the world trying to force they way of living on everyone who doesn’t agree with such. They want to hear everyone’s opinions other than a Christian’s. The World wants everyone to come out the closet but the Christians. We are suppose to be the light in darkness and that’s final. Let us not be forced to stay in the closet of darkness while everyone else is encourage to come out. Truth never have to be defended. HE didn’t defend it. So, why should We.
How can anyone talk about any relationship or love without first considering The One who is for real love and relationships. The One who exemplified and still exemplifies what we today are still trying to acquire or achieve?
Do not let the behavior of a few cause you to judge all as the same. If that was the reality of things. No one would be eligible for love or a relationship. Learn to forgive yourself as well as others so you can grow and become that person someone would want to love and have a relationship with. You will never be perfect so stop trying to find perfection in your search for a relationship.
If you can not love each other or communicate with each other while you are going through difficult stages in your relationship. I’m not saying to stay if there is abuse; physical or verbal. Or consisting, cheating or telling lies. If there is none of these or any other detrimental things, and you know you truly love each other find time to discuss things and work them out. We always find time to work on the unimportant things but will not invest time in our love for the other person in the relationship. But we would believe it’s better to let it go and start to invest time in another relationship. Where does this cycle ends? It seems we have a lot or marathon relationships today. We find one today, participate, we may win, we may loose, so we just participate until the next one comes along. Are you looking for a relationship or love to win. Or are you just trying to be a regular participant in different marathon relationships?
Love it….let me see your actions reflect your spirituality not your words…I ran away from men who claimed to be a man of god.