Let me start this article by saying that writing is definitely a long term part of the calling on my life. The words I write are spirit, and they are life. That said, I realize that much of what I write encourages others to overcome their own obstacles. For that, I’m extremely grateful. However, if I’m honest with myself and you, much of what I’ve written lately has been borne out of an inner turmoil that, if not addressed properly, has the potential to kill me…LITERALLY.
Never before have I been able to write in the midst of a storm. When issues arose, I created a cocoon for myself that prevented me from operating in what I know I’ve been called to do: WRITE. I would try, but the pages remained empty, and the space on the computer screen was a black hole where my thoughts were sucked into a vortex of doubt, loathing and self-sabotage.
As a remedy, I simply got in the habit of recording what I was going through in my mind and then translating it to pen and paper once the situation was totally resolved. Most of my articles like “Back to Life: Surviving the Lost Identity Syndrome,” and “Marriage Ain’t for Ring Bearers and Flower Girls: It’s For Grown Folks!” came from this balanced place. This place was relieved that those torrential seasons in my life were over, and determined to record every lesson learned in the most transparent way possible. Although writing in that state is helpful to the reader, it’s easy to detach as the author because I’ve already been there, done that and got the t-shirt.
What you have been witnessing ever since “The Reality of Foreclosure” has been nothing short of a miracle. I’ve found myself writing with a depth and clarity I’ve never been able to capture before…
…And it scares me.
What you were reading before April of 09 was about a person who was in a different skin; a person who had gone through the process of shedding immaturity, bad habits and funky attitudes and become a stronger, wiser, more compassionate person as a result.
What you are now reading is live and direct, playing before the plasma screen of your eyes as I writhe in pain and mental anguish, trying to figure out what our next step as a family is going to be. I am writing about present tense, and if I didn’t know writing was part of my destiny before, I definitely know it now.
My motivation has always been to express the grace and glory of God in my flawed life. It was just safer to write about it after the fact. But now, as I pour my life out like a drink offering before you, my motivation is to STAY ALIVE–emotionally, spiritually, financially and physically–as I engage blow for blow, pound for pound and word for word in what could quite possibly be the fight of my life!
I write for every quotation mark my overcoming this experience will leave in its wake. I write to keep a comma in a part of my life where a period wants to step in and bring finality to this person named Harriet.
I write to LIVE.
What about you, BMWK? What is your motivation for doing what you’ve been doing? Are you pushed, in spite of the worst circumstances, to follow your dreams? Or have you pushed those dreams to the back burner for the sake of playing it safe? Share your story!
I must say that I always enjoy your posts and you have been such an inspiration to me. That said, I’m unsure of what to do with my dreams. I know that I’ve been called to teach, not only in the secular world, but also in the spiritual realm as well (I am an instructor for a living; I still can’t believe it since I was the girl that was considered a mute in elementary school). I love the fact that I’m able to help people; I am pratically floating when I see the lightbulbs go off in people’s heads when they finally get a concept. I guess my dilemma is that I really don’t know where to go from here. I want to move up jobwise, but not sure how to do so. I am currently in Bible college, but I don’t want to be totally confined to the four walls of a church when teaching God’s word. I want to reach people who think that the Christian life is too hard. I would also like to turn our school system around (I live in a city where the school system isn’t the best, but if it could be turned around, it would be key to the growth of the city).
I have been playing it safe, but am now starting to walk in my calling. Can you help a sista out? I really think I need a mentor, but I’m not sure who I could turn to.
wow, laneitria…i felt like i wrote your comment myself! i also teach within the church as well as outside its four walls. i’m not sure if i’m qualified to be your mentor in terms of the steps you need to take to fulfill your dreams. it would seem that you and i are on the same wavelength, and a mentor is someone who has been there, done that, and can teach you how to do it.
i’m still learning…but let’s exchange info…we can sharpen one another as we take this journey together!
i, too want to influence the school system, except at the university level. my first step is getting another degree, so i’m searching for grants and scholarships to make that happen. in the meantime, i’m fulfilling another part of the vision and purpose of God in my life by getting my book published.
all that to say that you’d be surprised at what doors will burst open for you if you maintain your expectation that God is going to do this thing in, through and for you!
“have you pushed those dreams to the back burner for the sake of playing it safe? Share your story!”
My sister has always wanted to be a Nurse. Some where along the way she got side tracked and became a corrections officer in a male prison. She is now back on track and graduating from nusring school in a few weeks.
I have always wanted to be an elementary school teacher. I too got side tracked and have been selling Insurance for almost 10 years. My job is safe, the income is good and everybody needs insurance. I pushed back my dreams due to lack of energy to go back to school. Raising kids is not easy and now that my youngest kid is almost 20 I think it’s almost time to re think my dreams. I met my sons girlfriend’s little girl on Friday. The little girl just left. I taught her how to play go fish. Not sure how but she beat me. The look on her face when she beat me was priceless. She had me call her mom to say she beat me. She was so excited and eager to learn. The gratification that I got at that moment reminded me of my dream that I put on the back burner.
Thanks for the encouragement. One of my main issues with my expectations of God is that I am too analytical. I always want to see how everything is going to work before I proceed, which isn’t a good thing when dealing with God. How do you want to exchange info? Do you have an email address?
hit me up at [email protected]
As far as the analytical thing, I’ll give you an anonymous quote that I wish I would have heeded: “Change before you have to.”
It seems like an eternity ago when I could say the same thing you said. Eventually everything that I placed my stock in in terms of planning and logic was stripped away, leaving me to focus on nothing and no one else but the Lord.
And guess what? I’ve learned during this terribly difficult time that all that other stuff was just smoke and mirrors. Even my own understanding and what I was used to analyzing in order to function in daily life was NOTHING compared to the wisdom, revelation and knowledge of God.
In my analytical mind, my husband and I should have lost EVERYTHING long ago! It’s amazing to me that we’re still in our home, still married, still living a joyous life (although fraught with storms). The grace of God trumps our analysis.
There’s nothing wrong with planning and being analytical. But when we choose our analyses over God saying “It is so…GO!” we run into a problem.
God showed me that if He breathes on it, it’s going to be successful. Not always right away, but if I stick with it, He’ll help me make it happen. That’s a GUARANTEE! So taking the risk to NOT step forth carried the biggest loss. I had to adopt that mindset, but it didn’t come until I lost everything and God still held me up, like the earth on NOTHING at all. He’s helped my mindset defy the law of gravity.
He can do the same for you…just change before you have to!