During a recent Sunday visit to my local church I was absolutely floored by something the pastor said as a part of his sermon:

“If you don’t know how to love yourself, I don’t want you around me. Not right now anyway.”

His comment elicited an initial hush, then a gasp before the understanding “Oohs” and “Amens” came bursting forth from the congregation. In my growing personal exploration of this thing called love — the why, what and how of it — the pastor’s words were confirmation of a theory I’ve been slowly piecing together in my mind.

No different than attempting to draw water from a stone, how can someone expect love from someone who doesn’t love themselves? My theory being that if a person can’t love themselves then they have no concept of love at all. They might be filled with lust (you both might) but not love. The reasons for this can be numerous: past or recent traumas, never learned how to, low-self esteem, just to name a few. Not to sound harsh, but the reasons don’t really matter. The fact is you won’t be loved by a person who doesn’t or can’t love themselves.

But don’t we always fall in love with the reasons? We go into relationships believing we can love away our partners glaring shortcomings while our friends look at us like we’re half-crazy. Little girls in particular grow up loving the bad boys — the mysterious ones, the emotionally incapable and morally deficient ones, thinking “they will change.” Men believe their love and support will make the “wild woman” tame. As the collateral damage of a string of women who “just needed to be loved properly” by me, I know this all too well myself. But the reality is that bad boys and wild women don’t change and neither does anyone else. Rare are the case where a person changes their ways (for long) for the sake of another. If it does happen at all it’s because they personally reach a point, typically a breaking point, where something inside themselves tells them things have to change.

Romantic comedies, movies and books along with our own personal fantasies have lulled so many of us, men and women alike, into believing that their individual love is strong enough for all parties involved. And yes, love and the perseverance of that love is sometimes the spark that is required to bring about the beginning of a change in others. But it’s the spark. Not the fire. Plenty of people have stated they couldn’t have made it were it not for the love of the person(s) who believed in them and loved them when they themselves did not. Ultimately however they were the ones who did the doing.

What do you do if faced with a situation where someone isn’t loving you because they aren’t loving themselves?

• Assess the situation. Is this something recent or is it ongoing? Are there new factors in the equation: new job, new kids, have you recently moved, etc.?
• Pray for yourself and that other person. Pray for a quick end to this time. Pray to be equipped to “cover” your partner’s shortcomings with love.
• Have an official conversation with the person letting them know how you feel.
• Seek out some therapy or life coaching for yourself if you need help deciding how to approach the problem.
• Try to help and not force them to love themselves. Become a teacher. Don’t chastise, educate.
• Lower your expectations. Understand that you aren’t going to get what you need right now and you need to let go of the pain. The person who you wish would heal you can’t.
• Heal yourself.

I know I’m probably dumping a lot on your plate and asking you to eat more than you want to. Right about now you may be completely frustrated and looking to be fed. You may even be vulnerable to the attention of others outside of your marriage. To this I say be strong and remember your vows. As long as you are married you are married.

Please understand that by lowering your expectations of this person in your life I’m not asking you to settle. In fact I’m asking you to rise above your circumstances and be free of your partner’s emotional deficiencies. For the time being invest in yourself, define joy for you. After all marriage is about two becoming one, complementing one another, not two or one looking to be made whole by the other. Right not it may not appear as if there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you truly love this person and feel it’s worth weathering their storm with them then you will have no choice but to take them for who they are an not burden them with your expectations and subsequent judgments that will come once they fail to meet them. But do put a time limit on this. You truly will be settling if you spend the rest of your life waiting for someone else to get their own act together. But make sure yours is too.

Like some of the other articles on this site have suggested during these wearying times that are hopefully short term you almost have to be a parent to your spouse. When your kids fall short of your expectations you don’t love them any less. You know in your heart your job is to be there for them, not the other way around. You don’t leave them to wallow around on their own unless you know you’ve taught them right from wrong way too many times. Yes, your spouse is an adult and yes, they should know better. But they don’t right now and you can see that with your own two eyes. You chose to love them for better or worse. Well, here you are standing knee high in worse. What are you going to do?

When love isn’t loving you properly are you in fact loving properly yourself or are you standing with your hand extended demanding what you deserve?