by Aja Dorsey Jackson
Have you ever seen those steamy movie love scenes or listened to those get-you-in-the mood songs and thought to yourself “hmmm I should try that later”? Have you ever tried said activity later only to find that in real life it was the most unsexy experience that you have ever had? Maybe it is just me, but there seem to be some sexual clichés that are fairly common in movies and music that in real life are just downright unrealistic. Below are my top five bedroom clichés that are far less sexy than they appear.
- Sex on the Beach (or in the grass) Have you ever seen those romantic movies where the couple is running along on the beach or in a field and ends up on the ground literally rolling around in the hay? This scenario is always problematic to me because 1) Maybe it’s just because I’m not rich, but the beaches that I go to always have a bunch of other people on them. That’s just not something I want to be doing next to five year olds building sandcastles and 2) My head is not touching the ground, especially in the absence of a headscarf. Once I stopped the scene to tie my hair up and put a satin bonnet over it I’m sure that the sexiness would diminish greatly.
- Sex in a Public Bathroom Whenever this happens in movies I always wonder what bathroom they are in that is completely clean and empty with mahogany wood doors that come to the floor. Public bathrooms in real life to me hover between absolutely disgusting and kind of gross. Maybe it’s the germophobe in me, after all, I am someone who will avoid the bathroom for an entire day when I’m outside of the house for fear that some germ is about to jump out of the toilet and kill me. Whatever the reason though, sex by the urinal doesn’t sound remotely appealing.
- Sex on a Plane Not only are there the public bathroom considerations (see number 2) but am I the only person that can barely fit my own body into an airplane bathroom? Being inside of one always makes me feel like I’m trapped in a mini-fridge. No space plus germs plus another person plus turbulence= No mile high club for me.
- Lingerie Now I will say that there is nothing wrong with lingerie in theory. It just never quite works how it does in movies. In the movies, at some point the woman says “let me slip into something more comfortable” and comes back in lingerie. In real life that seems like a very awkward extra step. Let me stop whatever happens to be going on, go completely change clothes and come back in lingerie just to take it off again, as if lingerie is somehow more comfortable than naked.
- Sex all night All night? Like all night all night? Why? Not to say that marathon sessions don’t have their place, but it can be just as good between minutes 15 and 45 of an episode of Law and Order SVU. That way you can get the back story, see the suspects, have a great time and then tune back in just in time to see the police realize that the true culprit is the random person they interviewed in minute five.
What are your favorite “made-for-Hollywood” sex clichés?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.
I.AM.MAD.AT.YOU – especially for number #5!!!!! LOL
LOL, I’m mad at you too, but because it’s so true!! I never thought lingerie was comfortable, and feel quite silly wearing some of it. I’m so glad someone decided to tackle these issues, I’ve been thinking them, but never thought to put them in words! LOL, good topic!!!
Tara, #5 is a winner for me! LOL!!!!!
Aja, this is hilarious. I just watched the movie “The Notebook” which just so romantic and sexy to me. But yes one of the love scenes that was about to take place in an old run down uninhabited house, while it was a romantic scene, it would never, ever, ever happen in my real life. All I could think about were the rodents and how cold it must be in that house. lol.
How true! All of them, even #5 ….ALL night? Then who is gonna get lunches packed, backpacks ready, pets feed all before the sun comes up, if I was up all night “freaking”! Give me a good 20-30 minutes and I am good – after all the dryer runs for 50 minutes 🙂
ROTFL @ Bridgette’s “after all the dryer runs for 50 minutes”. Hillarious yet true read. Thanks girl!
ROTFL @ Bridgette’s “after all the dryer runs for 50 minutes”. Hillarious yet true read. Thanks girl!
ROTFL @ Bridgette’s “after all the dryer runs for 50 minutes”. Hillarious yet true read. Thanks girl!
ROTFL @ Bridgette’s “after all the dryer runs for 50 minutes”. Hillarious yet true read. Thanks girl!
LOL! How come in all of these movies the couples fall asleep in eachother’s arms instead of going to the bathroom to wash up? After nookie my husband and I are on opposite sides of the bed (if not the room) trying to catch our breath! Going to sleep takes some preparation. After we clean the unmentionables, I have to cover up my hair. Once we find the sheets and lay back down, we might cuddle but that’s not the position we wake up in! (Maybe that’s just how it is in my house. 😉
Yana….that’s FUNNY…because it’s like that over here too!! After we’ve cleaned up, etc…then I’m like move!….its’ HHOOOTTT!!..LOL…plus- that cuddling til we fall asleep gives us nothing but no blood flow in our arms!!! Ha ha…I enjoyed reading this one!
I gotta agree with everything you said, especially #1. Who wants sand in their hoo-hah anyway? Ouch.
Too funny! 🙂
well i’m from the bahamas and the thought of ‘sex on the beach’ (not only a drink) intrigued me to the point of actually trying…late on night. besides not ever really getting in the mood, cause i spent the whole time looking around trying to make sure we were not gonna get mugged, ever met a group of hungry sandflies???? apparently they like to eat late at night! lol. my husband and i got bit in ever imaginable place. to make it worse, neither of us wanted to ruin the mood so we said nothing, until i got bit in a place i’d rather i didn’t and that just ended it. he jumped up also and said thank God I was being eaten alive. we high tailed it outta there. everytime we pass that beach now we just burst out laughing. our son now laughs when he passes and doesn’t know why! lol.
I agree. Plus, number one has additional complications. For example, grass in theory doesn’t sound too bad but the bug bites really get you in the end, literally.
Don’t forget about sex in the pool……just as horendous as the others listed! Great article 🙂
LOL- I’m just saying- I’m a multitasker!
Rodents and cold=highly unsexy!
Yes, I didn’t include that one, but I know this to be true as well.
iono… my poolie was pretty nice! 😉
This is so funny and soo true!!!
That’s probably why it DIDNT happen in that old run down house til about 10 years later after the “Romeo” fixed it up for her, lol!!!
I know I just laughed away many calories. The comments were too funny. No one mentioned the “Mile High Club”. Or “Morning Breath”. I have never been on a plane, but the restrooms look very unattractive. I sleep with a cough drop in my mouth, so when my husband kisses me to leave for work at 5:30 am, I don’t have to set the clock on my cell to wake before he gets up and brush my teeth or quickly use mouth wash. In movies and on soap operas everyone quickly gets out of bed and puts their clothes on, but yes they all do wake up in each others arms. LOL.
I like that cough drop! Never ever thought about that…
Now that’s true Erika. LOL.
If its going to be great moment its worth messing up your hair.
SO FUNNY an SO True! LOL! I have had a discussion about this very subject with my husband. I told himcouples are better off not paying any attention to the crap that TV says about sex and discover for themselves what works for them because TV is MOST DEFINITELY fantasy land when it come to sex. ;0)
Am I the lone adventurous ranger? LOL hunny and I once had an *after-regular-store-hours-waiting-on-a-movie-to-start-back-hallway-of-a-mall* adventure (back when we were skinnier), and plenty of car locations…
Now what they really don’t tell you in movies and on TV is how much of an acrobatic feat the car scene is in these newfangled small cars. The car stuff should have went out with the Ford LTD!!!!
I am going to ad sex in the car – no matter where you are, front or back seat, there isn’t a lot of room and plenty of opportunity for injury.
Love your blog!
http://www.escapefromrelationshiphell.com
Very funny, I still want to try the beach…lol. Only not in the water at night, which is super-scary.
Sex in the shower is the one that bugs me the most in the movies. Maybe it can work if you have a huge shower, but if you’re in the small, barely enough room for one, like in our bathroom…do not try this at home for the following reasons 1) someone may almost drown (it only takes a tablespoon of water, ya know), or 2) someone may slip and break something! And going to the hospital trying to explain how all this happened is just embarrassing. Not that I would know from experience 😉