It’s their first date. He’s nervous…although he’s trying to seem cool. He’s trying to impress her.

She’s anxious…but trying to look poised. She’s assessing all of his husband-like qualities in the car on their way to the restaurant. Because…she ain’t trying to waste nobody’s time if he’s not the one for her.

They met at a birthday party of a mutual friend 2-weeks ago. They’re both in their early 30’s. Neither has ever married. No kids.

Let’s call her Tamera. And we’ll call him David.

David and Tamera hit it off at dinner. They go out on a second date. Two for two!

After date five, their convo is starting to lean toward defining their relationship. Tammy is trying to take it up a notch. But Dave is good…right…where…he…is!

Tammy is talking about plans for the future: children, long term financial plans, which neighborhoods they prefer, and whether Dave likes to cook or not.

Dave has plans too…which restaurant are they going to this weekend.

For Dave, all this convo about the future is good. But he feels it’s too soon to be talking about detailed plans for the future when he hasn’t determined if she’s the one he wants to make those plans with.

How would you define their relationship?

To define a relationship in terms of a group or an organization might seem cold and impersonal. However, you might be surprised how accurately descriptive they are.

Organization vs. Group

Ralph Stogdill was a psychologist, organizational theorist, and an Ohio State University professor of Leadership Studies who is hailed as one of the pioneers in leadership research. But more accurately described, he was a student of people within relationships. He dug deep into the study of relationships. He discovered that…however people define their relationships determines the level of interaction they expect to have with them.

Group Relationships

In his 1950 article, Leadership, Membership, and Organization, Stogdill’s identified the interactions of an entity of 1) two or more people that perceive there is unity among them, and 2) are acting in a unified way toward society – as a GROUP.

This is Dave all the way! They are two people that interact together. They perceive and acknowledge unity among themselves. For all intents and purposes, their relationship is a group. And as far as Dave is concerned, he’s good with being in a GROUP relationship for now.

Organization Mode

But Stogdill’s research further uncovered the idea that some GROUPS are created for a purpose or to accomplish a common goal. And each person within that group has roles and responsibilities that lead towards accomplishing that purpose or common goal. He called this kind of GROUP an organization.

This is Tammy 100%! Tammy doesn’t want to waste anybody’s time. She wants to define a purpose for their relationship. She wants to start establishing some common goals. She wants to define some roles and responsibilities. Tammy is in full ORGANIZATION-mode.

Questions You Need To Ask Yourself

However your mate defines your relationship will determine their level of interaction with you. So…you don’t want to start making ORGANIZATIONAL-plans with someone that’s in GROUP-mode. You might be setting yourself up for some unmet expectations. Likewise, however you define your relationship will determine your level of interaction with them. So…you might want to keep your conversations and activities with your mate on a GROUP-style level so you don’t mislead them into thinking you want an ORGANIZATION-style relationship when you actually don’t. That’s how feelings get hurt.

As you move forward in your relationship, here are 6 questions you need to ask yourself – and your mate.

1. What kind of relationship am I in? A group or an organization?
2. Does my mate feel the same? Do I actually know?
3. What do you do when you want to be in a GROUP-relationship and the other wants to be in an ORGANIZATIONAL-relationship? And vice versa?
4. How do you handle the discontent of remaining in a GROUP-status beyond your expectations?
5. At what point do you feel you’re wasting time?
6. What do you ‘GROUPERS’ do to slow down the upgrade of your relationship to the ORGANIZATIONAL level?

And yes…I’m talking to married folk too. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean your relationship is automatically an ORGANIZATION. You would be amazed at how many married-GROUPS exist. Share your thoughts…if you dare.