by Tara Pringle Jefferson
Aliya S. King, author, blogger, mom, wife, recently wrote a post on her blog titled, “Is my husband the boss of me?” after her husband asked her to return an outfit that he felt was a little too sexy. (Basically, Aliya wanted to wear something sexy to her husband’s high school reunion, to show that he had married a bombshell, but he felt uncomfortable the whole night because his friends were commenting on how good she looked. Read the whole post to get more detail.)
It surprised me that so many women were quick to comment that her husband was right, or that at the very least they should find a compromise by finding a matching cover-up or wearing tights underneath.
Her post got me to thinking about marriage in general and the roles we are supposed to play. I always consider my husband the head of our household, but what does that really mean? Does it mean that I need to follow his lead in matters of the household finances? Does it mean that he “speaks” for the family? Does it mean that he can veto my clothing choices?
BMWK family, tell me ““ what does it mean to be “head of the household” and how should the other spouse act accordingly?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.
Oooo, Tara, this is a GREAT topic! I was so imbalanced in my thinking about this for the first couple of years of my marriage. In fact, the reason behind our jacked up financial position is because of that imbalance. I’m not ashamed to let it be known, because I’m just as much to blame (if not moreso) than my husband.
Submission and authority should not be bywords that bring about fear and consternation. In their proper context, they are cloaked in love, affection, protection and solidarity. The problem is that there are many who warp it to mean something totally different than its origianl premise.
I think it is so imperative that a couple sit down EARLY and discuss who is strong at what, and also what types of issues trip both spouses up. The biggest mistake I made upon getting married was both my husband and I thinking that he was the absolute authority over every aspect of our marriage. I lost my voice because I knew I was right, but I wanted to keep the peace.
That’s some bull. Yes, a man was designed to be the head of the household, but a woman is designed to influence that position of authority. I abdicated that role, and it got us in a lot of trouble. I’m not saying that now I’m the deciding factor of everything that takes place, but in certain areas, I’m stronger than he is, and he defers to me as the voice of wisdom and logic now. The same is true vice versa. When we disagree, I remind him that his position is one he has to answer to God about, so if he still doesn’t agree, I yield and submit.
I can honestly say that since we started balancing it out like that, his track record has been undefeated. But when we were all imbalanced and immature about certain crucial issues, all kinds of hell broke loose in our marriage.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..The Humble Shall Speak… =-.
This is the single most discussed topic that comes up in marriage retreats — especially since the ones I attend are among Christians. The passage that ignites the discussion is — Ephesians 5:23:
“For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.”
Many couples struggle with this because they substitute the word “boss” for head of the wife. The context of “Christ is the head of the church” compares with “head of the family” in my judgment. That means — responsible, accountable, protector, leader, teacher, supporter, servant. That is what Jesus is to the church. It is a tall order for any man.
The reality of our modern society is a cross between tradition and the advancement of the role of women in our society (USA). The tradition that defines most relationships is that the woman usually takes the name of the husband. The children take the name of the father. We address families as “Mr. and Mrs.” At the same time, women are better educated, and in the case of all matters that don’t require physical strength, they are trained and able to make decisions as effectively as a man. The one advantage that women have is that they can have babies, and are generally better at nurturing.
Beyond the birth process, we are now seeing men who are “stay-at-home dads,” while their wives are the primary wage earners. Does that make the woman “the boss.” Is it about the money? I would say not. Here is what happens in most families. Two people bring together separate social cultures from their respective families and social backgrounds. Over time, a dominant set of values define the new family. In years past, fathers trained boys to assume the responsibility for setting and maintaining the value system of the family. The reality is that good men have always relied upon their wives to help them with difficult decision, and to sustain the “family values.” Many men refer to their wives as “the rock” upon which their marriages survive.
Unfortunately, the breakdown in the family — especially in our Black communities (70% of children live in single-parent families headed by women) — means that the lessons that fathers passed along to their sons about how to be the “head” of their families are no longer being taught to sons. So, the traditions mentioned above have eroded, and the Bible passage rings hollow when women find themselves married to men who have not been taught how to be heads of their families — responsible for their children, respectful of their wives, accountable for providing a living (no matter what it takes), and the keeper of the family values.
I tell men that one of the keys to a successul marriage is to always insist on having the last word — and that is often, “Whatever you say, honey.”
We have enjoyed 43 years of marital bliss, with very few serious conflicts. I learned to be the head of our household from my father, and I taught my son and daughter to respect that role in their marriages. Husbands today can fulfill that role, but they need lots of help from their wives.
Roger
Roger hit the nail directly on the head with his comment… When my friends and I discuss this exact same topic, we come up with pretty much the same conclusion…
@Roger – Your comments are always so insightful. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
I am struggling with this a little bit (I didn’t want to quite get into it in the post because I thought Aliya’s post was really interesting). I want my husband to be the head of the household, but I struggle with it. I don’t consider myself sassy or bossy. But I do think I’m a straightforward person who likes to have things done a certain way. It causes conflict. But I’m working on it, little by little and day by day.
And of course, out of everything Roger so eloquently wrote, this stuck out to me:
“I tell men that one of the keys to a successul marriage is to always insist on having the last word — and that is often, “Whatever you say, honey.†LOL.
.-= Tara´s last blog ..YML Gives Back: Week 2 update =-.
This is so interesting because I wonder how this will manifest in our marriage. Quite honestly, I love for my husband to make decisions and I thank God that he isn’t overbearing in his actions or opinions. Right now, he IS the breadwinner soley. I’m a fulltime student and I try to compensate by cooking, cleaning, etc. but he also takes part in everyday household activities. He’s a very gracious man, and I find myself consiously “falling back” out of respect. I think it’s important for a man to feel he has authority as a husband – HUSBAND. I can say, the dynamics of our relationship have drastically changed since I’ve become his wife. Possibly “submitting” gets a little shaky when a woman feel her man doesn’t have her best interest in mind, so it isn’t the concept per se, but an imbalance in there understanding of one another.
My engagement process was EXTREMELY overwhelming for me (Lamar, sorry I dropped the ball on JonesiJourney), so much so that I couldn’t even write about it anymore. I was scared my husband would take me away from friends, family, I would have to live by his standards, blah, blah, blah, but it was all foolishness NOT based on my relationship alone, but what I’ve “heard” and was “told” about marriage.
Honestly, the sexiest thing about my husand is his ability to make great decisions for us. I came home one day and we had a washer and dryer. I told him I felt we needed a house phone, and he made it happend. Now had he consulted me, it would have become a daunting task, because we would argue back and forth because of my need to research everything lol…but i’m glad he feels confortable making decisions, and I try to make him feel appreciated by graciously accepting his decisions.
Submitting, to me, means allowing someone to “take part” in your life. Not always having to have things your way, when you say it. Life is pretty peaceful when I open my heart to genuinely include his perspective…because I know in my heart, I am relinquishing control to a God-fearing man who only wants the best for.
Learn each other, as Harriet stated, and take reign over the aspects of the union where you excel….it’s not that difficult…I don’t think…I’ve only been married less than two months! LOL…what the heck do I know??? 🙂
Good stuff Jonesi the newlywed. I did call you out in a blog last week but let’s just forget that.
.-= Lamar´s last blog ..Why Would A Happy Tiger Woods Cheat? And, If Happy, Why Do Men Cheat At All? =-.
I’m a slacker…I deserved it! 🙂
Tara and Roger ..thanks again for your input on this matter. Lamar and I don’t struggle in this area either. I truly look to him to be the head of our household. However, I know that he values my input on all decisions. Lamar takes this responsibiltity seriously… he is 100% about being the “responsible, accountable, protector, leader, teacher, supporter, servant…..” So I am totally confident in the decisions he makes.
@Tara – I had to learn (or I am learning) that my way is not always the only way that things can get done correctly. I had to learn to give up some of that control over everything. Especially when it comes to the kids. Just last week I was in Dallas for business, and Lamar told me to stop making him feel like he could not handle things at home with the kids. I didn’t mean to make him feel that way…but I can see his point as I was constantly asking..what are the kids doing..what did they eat…what are they wearing…etc…..
I really am glad you wrote this post and I really appreciate Roger’s input. I have seen so many couples with problems in this area. I think that this is definitely a topic that couples need to discuss/think about before they decide to get married.
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..Why Would A Happy Tiger Woods Cheat? And, If Happy, Why Do Men Cheat At All? =-.
These comments are very illuminating, though I would love to hear a different point of view from a woman, especially a Black woman.
Roger made some great insights, but veered a little too close to misogyny at the end for me. For instance, he is right when he says that women, especially Black women, are much more educated than their Black male counterparts. He mentions physical strength as a male trait, but, really, who is pushing boulders uphill anymore? With modern day advances in technology, women are more capable of performing physical labor more than ever before in history.
Which leads to my conclusion: The whole idea of a man being the “head of household” is a complete fallacy. Women are just as capable of making decisions as a man. In many instances, women are better (see education norms above) at making decisions in the household. The whole idea of a man being the head of household stems from an inherently chauvinistic society that fears women and their power.
So, whenever I hear the words “yield” and “submit” coming from an adult human being’s mouth (whether a man or woman), I cringe. Why on Earth would you leave a decision you disagree with to a fallible man because he has to answer to God?! No, he must answer to you as well. Just as you must answer to him. Marriages are an equitable partnership, split down the middle, fifty/fifty with each partner handling their strengths and minimizing their weaknesses. Leave the 1950’s and the antiquated societal norms of Biblical yesteryear in the past. The spirit of Christ lives on, not the ancient antifeminist prejudices of the past.
Christian,
You said, “The whole idea of a man being the “head of household†is a complete fallacy. Women are just as capable of making decisions as a man. In many instances, women are better (see education norms above) at making decisions in the household. The whole idea of a man being the head of household stems from an inherently chauvinistic society that fears women and their power.
So, whenever I hear the words “yield†and “submit†coming from an adult human beings mouth (whether a man or woman), I cringe. Why on Earth would you leave a decision you disagree with to a fallible man because he has to answer to God?! No, he must answer to you as well. Just as you must answer to him. Marriages are an equitable partnership, split down the middle, fifty/fifty with each partner handling their strengths and minimizing their weaknesses.”
I definitely appreciate the comment, yet I’m apt to disagree with some of what you said. Yes, women are just as capable of making decisions as men. But I don’t look at my marriage from a feminist viewpoint or worldview. If the Spirit of Christ lives on, then what of the order He created for marriage? If I say I follow Him, I can’t just pick and choose the stuff I want to follow. He is Lord of all or not at all for me.
What I was making mention of in my own commentary was the fact that it IS possible for women, black women, Christian women to have a twisted and unwise viewpoint of “yielding” and “submission.” They are not curse words, but they are not a license to totally lose yourself and your personality in a marriage. There is a BALANCE.
And to be honest, I feel you on the cringing thing. When I hear people speak of 50/50 when it comes to marriages, I cringe. What sense does it make for two people to only be exerting half their energy to make their marriage work? It takes over 100% on both parties to make it work. Part of that 100% is being willing to hear the other party out, even if you disagree with them. Part of that 100% is being willing to allow the Spirit of Christ to take corrective measures that sometimes your words of wisdom and influence cannot give, even if you talk until you’re blue in the face.
You’ll have to pardon my candor…I’m a little emotional right now because of the challenges that I’m encountering in my marriage as we speak. Yet I know that if any marriage is centered on Christ, then His Word is going to work for it. He says it works, so it’s gotta work for me and mine. Even when in my natural mind, submission and yielding is the LAST thing I want to do.
Bottom line to all this (and trust me, I’m not picking apart your comment…some of what you said just struck a chord within me…I was finished with your comment around the capitalized “BALANCE” part. LOL) is that there should be a constant give and take, ebb and flow to a marriage. When that flow is interrupted by disagreement, SOMEONE is going to have to take the high road so the marriage can keep moving.
But the balance to all that is not becoming a martyr for the cause of a marriage. That’s the challenge that must be faced during times of disagreement (and I’m not talking about small things like clothing, but larger issues that will either fortify or unravel the fabric of a marriage).
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..The Humble Shall Speak… =-.
This is a great discussion :)…but I think some of what I said was misinterpreted, so please allow me to clarify my opinion:
First, I didn’t mean that people should put 50% into their marriage. That will never work. I am saying that each partner in a marriage holds 50% ownership of the marriage, meaning it is equal. I have just as much say in the decisions of the marriage as you do. We hold equal weight in the marriage and the choices WE make; not, the man decides and I “yield” to that decision to “keep the peace” (which you will come to resent eventually). One person taking the “high road” all of the time can lead to metaphorical nosebleeds from all of that altitude sickness. How about he “yield” as well?
Secondly, I do not believe that God put men as the “head” of anything. Several of the men I meet could not find their way out of a cardboard box. It’s all about individual HUMAN ability, not power simply granted based on gender. Many of the principles set forth in the Bible come from the societal and cultural norms of that SPECIFIC time period. In many instances during Biblical times, women were stoned for looking at a man too long (lol) and were accused of witchcraft at any sign of independent thought. God made humans equally, and they hold the power to think for themselves, not follow a leader who they think is wrong because he is the “head”.
I do agree with you, though. Marriage is an ebb and flow, dictated by the individuals who form that marriage. And what works for some will not work for others. So, do you and be happy! And don’t worry, everything will work out for you, Harriet! Thanks for the great conversation.
Christian, your statement about 50/50 ownership and equality makes perfect sense. My apologies for misinterpreting that. Thanks for clearing it up.
And yes, one person taking the high road can lead to “nosebleeds.” LOL…if I’m perfectly honest, I’ve suffered nose bleeds quite often.
To some extent, we’re saying the same thing about the order God created when He made man and woman, but we might just have to agree to disagree on the intricate details of our opinions.
I appreciate the convo as well, and thanks for the encouraging words. Be blessed!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..The Humble Shall Speak… =-.
I remember in our counseling sessions that the pastor talked about the man being the “head” of the household. We read scripture, and although the man is the head as Christ is head of the church, the husband respected his wife and did not “rule” over her. From what I gathered the both of you (Christian and Harriet) are right about the ebb and flow of the relationship. Our pastor made it clear that though the husband is the head of the house that does not mean that he rules over everyone. I can be right on some things and he can be right on others. He also told us that the yeilding and submitting goes both ways, not just the wife submitting but the husband as well. He submits when the wife is better at something (finances for example), he falls back and lets the wife handle it. I don’t recall anyone or anything saying that if there’s a disagreement that the husband is automatically right. There should be a resolution, but sometimes it is better to agree to disagree and let things go. That’s what I gathered from the sessions I went to.
Jonesi: I’m praying that your marriage is a long lasting one! Congratulations on your wedding!
Everyone: I’m praying for your long lasting marriages also!!!
As much as I try and say my husband is ‘the boss’, ppl remind me that I am. I am not proud of it but I just think that it comes with my past. I don’t want to find out that the car insurance did not get paid after I get into a accident. I don’t want to open up a eviction notice because you didn’t pay my share or your share of the mtg. I don’t show my hubby out in public but he knows that the woman/wife is the back bone of the family and he comes home and gives me his share of the bills and I write the checks. I need my own peace of mind knowing that when a kid gets in a car and drives away it is insured. There is only one of him but I have 3 kids. It’s easy for a man to pick up and leave when the bills have not been paid. I don’t have that option. When I turn on my computer it says “The Boss”, but my brother set it up for me. LOL. As far as dressing sexy to a event that only you and hubby and the-in-laws are not going to, still a no no to me. Less is more and save it for home with hubby. I am not saying that you have to dress like a librarian but show some class and respect, unless that’s the way he met you and he knows that’s you, don’t do it. A husband wants his wife to complement him and he does not mind others looking as long as you don’t look like a stripper. Unless your name is “Ice Tea” of course. LOL.
My comment is really late but this goes to @ Christian, especially:
I would gather that a man being head of household/marriage/etc. as stated in the Bible, means that, regardless of what happens/who makes a decision/etc. the husband is COMPLETELY and FULLY responsible and accountable to God. Meaning, when things go down in a marriage – good/bad/indifferent – God looks first to the husband. This is reflected in how He punished Adam for Eve’s mistake way back in Genesis. Even though Eve started the sin and made the first decision and convinced her husband to sin as well, ultimately Adam became responsible for it all because he was to be the head and he abdicated his responsibility.
I actually would rather keep my role as wife and let my husband be the head. That doesn’t mean he gets to tell me what to do or anything, but it does mean that if I love him, I will be careful of the decisions I make and I will try to defer to him when possible out of love for him. I don’t want him to be have to give an account with God about my incorrect decision-making and actions.
Also, you say you are a Christian (not that I am questioning that particular statement), and yet you say that husband as head is a fallacy…does that mean you don’t believe the Bible is the word of God for eternity? Do you not think that God stands outside of our arbitary time and gives no matter or meaning to “olden days” and “biblical times”? Just something you might want to think about and pray over.
http://www.lumeandlux.com
Although not a black woman I truly enjoyed reading this blog. I was researching Husband as Head of House and came across the blog. I thought alot of great points were made. I especially enjoyed the one where the wife was taking care of the bills because she personally needed to know things were payed. I do this for my family and was told I should not it as I’m not head and that bothered me which is what led me search this online. I now know it’s perfectly okay for me to do the bills. In fact I’m honoring my husband in doing so because he doesn’t like to do it and would forget to pay the little ones and then we would have to pay more in the long run. I often hear women say my husband doesn’t allow this and that and if they want to live that way that is fine. My husband doesn’t rule over me that way I’m blessed because it. As far as looking sexy in public I would say no you aren’t suposed to draw attention of others to yourself especially as a married woman. I think women of all races and cultures need to get back into their Bibles and know the word for themselves. I also think it is great to have blogs such as this to uplift each other and maybe get more insight into what the Bible means as it is not always an easy read. Be blessed my sister in faith and keep you blog going you just never know who will read and learn something new.
The downsides of feminism…
We have to STOP this desire for sameness. Equality – yes. Sameness – no. Men & women are built differently; physicaly, physiologically, emotionally. We need to ACCEPT those differences! A woman isn’t losing anything by yielding to her husband; if she let God lead her, she has chosen well and he DESERVES that from her! I’m getting married in October after 12 years as a single mother. Its tough. But at the same time, I *know* that I’ve chosen well. I know that my almost husband 😀 has our family’s best interest at hand always. Its not that I’m a silent partner; its that he is the head of our family. He will never act in a way that threatens our unit. I trust that. I have to or else I have no business marrying him!
As a nation, and ESPECIALLYas Blacks, we need to get back on that “old school” track. Our black families are suffering at the hands of this uber-independence that women think they have to have.
In todays world with modern technology, women can do anything a man can do, but this still does not make them men. They will never know what it really means to be a man no more than a man can know what it means to be a women. Women are more educated than men, if you look at the ratio of men to women in all colleges, there are more women than men in getting an educated, but men and women are wired different. (Most) Women think emotionslly. (Most) men think logically, therefore we will always think and see things differently. …..That means — responsible, accountable, protector, leader, teacher, supporter, servant…… The idea of a man being the head of household stems from man being the responsible one for his family, accountable for his family, protector of his family, leader, teacher, supporter, servant. Man was originally the dominate (biggest and strongest) person in the family unit. That role has not changed only the world around the family unit has changed.
Women and mean haVE NEVEN BEEN EQUAL
So, whenever I hear the words “yield” and “submit” coming from an adult human being’s mouth (whether a man or woman), I cringe. Why on Earth would you leave a decision you disagree with to a fallible man because he has to answer to God?! No, he must answer to you as well. Just as you must answer to him. Marriages are an equitable partnership, split down the middle, fifty/fifty with each partner handling their strengths and minimizing their weaknesses. Leave the 1950?s and the antiquated societal norms of Biblical yesteryear in the past. The spirit of Christ lives on, not the ancient antifeminist prejudices of the past.
In today’s world with modern technology, women can do anything a man can do, but this still does not make them men. They will never know what it really means to be a man no more than a man can know what it really means to be a woman.
Women are more educated than men, if you look at the ratio of men to women in all colleges, there are more women than men getting an education, but men and women are wired different. (Most) Women think emotionally. (Most) men think logically, therefore we will always think and see things differently. The idea of a man being the head of household stems from man being the responsible one for his family unit, accountable for his family, protector of his family, provider, leader, teacher, supporter and servant. Man was originally the head or dominate (biggest and strongest) person in the family unit. That role has not changed only the world around the family unit has changed. A good leader is a good follower. So you are right about him having to answer to you, his kids and all the live under his roof, as well as his God.
Men and Women have NEVEN BEEN EQUAL. Like comparing Apples and Oranges, it can’t be done.
You say you can’t follow a fallible man, but women are just as fallible. Someone later stated a man can walk out and she stills has to hold down the family. The same is true for women, they can walk out as well and he has to hold down the family. The real question is “What kind of man are you choosing to follow or marry? “
Marriages are an equitable partnership, split down the middle, fifty/fifty with each partner handling their strengths and minimizing their weaknesses. This is true in the eyes of the law, but we are not talking about legally, but morally and spiritually. These concepts should never be confused with one another.
Being Men and women are as different as apples and oranges we will never be equal. In the eyes of the law they claim we are equal, but even that is a half truth. Morally and spiritually we have our roles and position in life. In most cases we will never see eye to eye, but someone has to be responsible, accountable, protector, provider, leader, teacher, supporter and servant.
When issues happen in the family unit, the head of household is responsible (a real man knows this). He is ultimately responsible for everything in his family unit (not 50%). When there is a partnership no one takes the blame for problems and they always look to the other as they are at fault. The problem usually never goes away.
When he makes decision for the family, as a good leader, he must take every ones opinions and feelings into consideration before acting, because he still has to answer to his family, especially his wife. But as Head of the Household he still has finally decision and say over all matters dealing with the household.
How she dresses is up to her (this is not a household issue). He knew or should have known how she dressed before he chose her to be his wife (The mate we choose). It only becomes an issue if it possesses a danger to the family or corrupts the younger females in the house. (But if it’s how she got your attention, you can’t complain).
For me personally, if I knew something I said or did, or dressed a certain way that embarrassed my wife, I would change it because I still have to answer to her.