by Eric Payne
Arguments are an inevitable reality of the human experience. Even more once you start living the married life. In an argument with your spouse which person are you:
- The spouse that doesn’t pay your spouse any mind because he or she is either 1) wrong; or 2) being emotional.
- The spouse that is always right. You dismiss/ignore whatever it is your spouse is saying to you.
- The spouse that rolls up their sleeves puts on the boxing gloves and goes all in, head to head and toe to toe to the finish with the blind goal of being the one who wins. “˜Cause you don’t play that!
- The spouse that walks away — all the time.
- The spouse who uses politeness and intellectualism as a weapon to marginalize and mock your spouse.
- The spouse who understands why your spouse is angry but argues against the way they are being spoken to. The argument only gets worse.
- The spouse who is slow to anger because you understand that your spouse’s anger is based on some level of disappointment, misunderstanding, stress and quite possibly pain. You somehow muster the self-restraint to not engage in petty bickering, and instead seek to resolve the conflict in a mature an adult way.
You may be just one of the above, none of the above, or some combination of them all. Whatever your personal circumstances may be please keep in mind that you are married. Is the goal to prove your rightness at the expense of your spouse? If you are right then they are wrong. You’re only as strong as your weakest link and how strong can you be if your other half is wrong?
Go into an argument with the mindset that you and your spouse are supposed to be made better by one another. Then although the arguments will still occur, you’ll be less concerned with who is right and more concerned with getting it right – together.
BMWK readers, what kind of spouse are you when arguments arise with your spouse? Does this work? Why or why not?
Follow Eric on Facebook and Twitter. He has written the articles Investing In An Emotional Letdown and the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook). He keeps it candid about being a man, dad and husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler.com. In his “spare time” Eric reviews autos, tech products and writes relationship articles for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.
Great blog post filled with questions we should all ask ourselves.
wow i saw myself in a combination of those! thank you for the post!! i will sure work on changing my mindset
Wow, E. Payne! Whether married, single, engaged or any derivative of the above, I think this article is valuable to anyone that desires to complete a healthy self-inventory of who they are. Personally, I see myself as a combination of 5-7. I try my best to keep it at 7, but it doesn’t always work.
Awesome post!
OMG! Another post that “socked me in the gut”! *shameface*
I am the spouse that tries to understand and find common ground. In the three years that I have been married, every argument that my wife and I have had has all been based on her bad decisions. I am not a factor in her life once she feels that she wants to do something.
Once I catch her in a situation, she resorts to telling a multitude of lies. I ask questions that she does not expect and she lies before attempting to justify her actions. She will lie to get out of the previous lie and it becomes a very slippery slope. I don’t know, I guess lies may be a part of every relationship; a lot of people just don’t realize when they are being lied to. Trust can be just as misleading when people believe that their spouse is perfect. Trust becomes non-existent in a marriage once lies frequent that marriage. When the arguing ceases, that may be an indication that your marriage is on the rocks.
Perhaps she is lying to herself first, hence the lying when put on the spot? I hope that lying isn’t a part of every relationship. I personally strive to be honest at all times, there really is no reason to lie to the person you’re closest to.
I wish you the best. I believe that you are doing the right thing trying to find common ground.
i’m just the tired spouse…tired of arguing.
I am exhausted of arguing!ts not getting us anywhere instead I feel we are drifting apart!
I know this is an old post but I just joined a challenge threw this site and this was linked to it….but I’m the spouse that don’t want to argue any more I just don’t have the strength to endure all the yelling the finger pointing and feeling like a child at the hand of my husband, I am left feeling confused as to why we’re a gurgling why he speats to me like I’m his child and not the woman who bore him 3 children and never understand why it’s so easy for him to go into a rage over something I asked or said .I never want is to go to bed angry but I now don’t have the courage to try and communicate and fix the issue before bed I love my husband I really do and even though our communication is not the best I know he loves me too that’s why I joined this 7 day communication challenge in hopes that things will improve for us both.thanks for 5 he article it was very eye opening