- They do not placate or enable you just because they love you.
- They are objective and unbiased, regardless of what has been said or done within the relationship.
- They are committed to telling you the truth, no matter how difficult it may be to hear it.
- They have come through their own marital storms victoriously.
- They know both you and your spouse, and want what is best for your family unit, not just the individual pieces.
- They do what they say they will do, especially when it comes to prayer.
As I stated earlier, misery loves company. There are some people who are addicted to drama, and when the trials in their own lives aren’t enough, they will be more than willing to help you create your own drama through tainted advice and cloudy guidance. On the other end of the spectrum, wisdom begets wisdom. Take the time to listen to those whose marriages and lifestyles are successful.
Who do you allow to influence your marriage? What kinds of characteristics do your friends/mentors/family members have that have built up trust that they have the best interests of your marriage at heart?
God bless!
Ginger says
Our parents set the base which in our case wasn’t really a good one but as we moved forward in our marriage we realized that it that didnt have to be the case. Think of it as growing up with Windows 3.1 and then discovering Windows 7 (or heck, a MAC!)-get rid of the software we grew up with and install what is representative of how we function and our needs today. So we sought out relatives and friends who had been married longer than us and they took us under their wing. Since then we’ve also cultivated friendships with other like-minded couples (Christian and interested in keeping their marriage together) and we are largely influenced by those two groups.
Divine and debt Free says
Ginger its amazing how so many people allow, there parents as an indicator of what should go on in your current marriage. I always arugue the case that just because your parents are married 59 some odd years doesn’t always mean they have the BEST advice. Don’t just go off shear numbers, find out why things work the way they do and addapt the concepts that fit best in your own situation.
I hope to be married one day and I do pray that I have those people in our lives that keep us on our toes, and ones we can go to for advice and also share our experiences.
Spenser Avery says
Being from a single parent household (female of course) I only got to see the fleeting male influence. In so far as they would stick around to tell my Mother what she wanted to hear in order to get what they wanted, for as long as they wanted it. Sometimes a couple months. The longest a couple of years. Now with the obvious out of the way. I choose a different and much harder path for myself.
I committed my self to not wanting MY children to grow up wondering just who was going to be coming out of Mommies bedroom this weekend. No it wasn’t that frequent but being young, single and attractive. My mother never wanted for male attention.
So, my Uncles were players. My friends were having fun. “I’m young, I’ll settle down later”. I’ve joined different Church’s and sought out counseling for myself and for us as a couple. I discovered that I related best to older black males that had already “Been There, Done That”.
I began to look to older males that I would come into contact with over the years. Only the ones that are Married for quite some time. A single Gentleman has nothing to offer to me on the subject of My Marriage. On having failed relationships or telling woman what they want to hear , maybe. But not on maintaining a mutually beneficial relationship with the mother of my children.
Being Married for 21years and together for 26. It has been a very hard road to travel. I still make mistakes. But recover quickly. You don’t get a play book after the honeymoon. So I look to older males that can understand and guide me to my own answers. I would call them Mentors.
I would encourage the ladies to send this to their husbands and boyfriends. Not as a question needing an answer. But to give them something to think about. It’s never to early to know exactly who “you allow to influence your marriage?”
Colette says
We don’t let much influence our relationship. We rely on each other to communicate and stay grounded, but when we take advice from soomeone it would more than likely be my mom and dad and my sister in law. My sister in law is in a strong relationship that has stood the test of time. I definitely feel her word is valuable.
I do not (do not) rely on friends. I have found that friends are typically jealous (esp if they are not in relationships themselves) and so it is just a waste of time. I tell them very little….and they want to hear very little so it works out. I prefer my friends to be married, I find less jealousy with married women. There is one friend that is the exception, she’s been in a strong relationship for many years and she is happy and has a good family life so I would (and have) taken her advice.
Smokie says
To be honest, the bible influences our relationship. If we get stuck, we take it there. Compromise has been easy as our personalities match well. I was blessed to marry a little later in life (mid 30s), so by now we know right from wrong and what we need to do. Our parents both respect our relationship and only offer advice if we ask for it. So far we’ve only needed help with deciding where to purchase a home. Other people just flat out aren’t in our business…maybe because we don’t have much business to meddle in. lol
I come from a two parent home (step father who has been a good father since I was 4) and he comes from a two parent home as well. We grew up watching our parents working together in calm environments. So, if anything, they served as role models and their relationships influenced ours.
.-= Smokie´s last blog ..Tiger Woods Can’t Be Your Jesus =-.
Tiffany says
Having been married only 6 months, my husband and I don’t have any successful married couples around us as of yet. A few months ago we had a pretty major argument and my husband went to my dad for advice. I was furious! I love my dad dearly, but he hasn’t been the best husband to my mom over the last 20 years. He’s the LAST person I want marriage advice from. So my husband and I have agreed to depend on each other and do not seek outside influences when it comes to marital issues.
MissJay says
My view some would say is a bit different. I look at the example of my parents. The only reason this would be different is because they have been divorced for the past 17 years. However when they were married and before the cause of their divorce came up they were, to me, the perfect example of what I wanted my marriage to be. They loved eachother very much (still do) and worked together to raise me. I wanted a husband that had all the good qualities my dad does and I have one now. We also look towards our older relatives and some friends who are newlyweds.
Happyness says
Honestly, I do not know anyone in my immediate family that has a great marriage to serve as a role model. My grandparents have been together for almost 50 years as the result of a shot gun marriage and have stuck it out – but I don’t think either is trully happy, just content to have settled. My mother is perpetually single, says she wants to be married – but when faced with it runs from it. So…if anything they serve as models as far as what NOT to do. I have been married for 18 months and trully I seek advice from my husband on how to make it work – lol he is my role model :-).
Ronnie says
@Harriet I LOVE this post..as it is so very important to choose the right person to confide in!! Spenser Avery gave some very sound advice….to look for mentors…other men or women that have had successfull marriages.
I also think that it is important to join a good ministry that is led by a happy couple. This is kind of off the subject…but has anybody ever been a member of a church where the pastor and his wife are not getting along or or not happy? I have been in several ministries like that and I noticed that the pastor rarely taught about marriage or what the Word had to say about marriage. But now that I am finally in a ministry where the pastor and his wife are partners in every way, the marriage and single ministries are thriving. The pastor regularly speaks on marriage and how we should treat each other and the pastor and his wife are also serving as examples.
Harriet says
Ronnie, it’s ironic that you should say that. I don’t think any marriage is perfect, even those of pastors serving in the ministry. I’ve been blessed enough to have served in various ministries where the spouses in leadership were outstanding examples of what a marriage should look like…on the surface anyway.
I think for those of us who claim the Word of God is our primary influencer for our marriage are obligated to pray for those in leadership when we see marriages in the ministry begin to suffer. We have a very real enemy that HATES marriage, and we have to be willing to pray for our leaders even when things aren’t going so well in their lives.
I couldn’t agree with you more, Ronnie. You make an outstanding point!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..In Transition =-.
Ginger says
I totally agree! Our pastors have been a total blessing to us as they are a true representation of a happily married couple ALWAYS preaching about the virtues of marriage and how to create a happy marriage and home. I cant believe I forgot to add them in my original post as they have been a total blessing to us.
MissJay says
Ronnie, is your pastor Ken Patterson? I was just wondering because he’s a pastor in the Maryland area and I’m not sure where exactly but I went to school with him and he was a pretty spiritual guy even then.
Ronnie says
Hi MissJay, my pastor is Dr. Michael Freeman of the Spirit of Faith Christian Center. (SOFCC)