Interesting observation: men have a tendency to be more considerate to a complete (female) stranger than their own mate.

I’m not making this up. It’s what several dating and married men admitted to me after completing one of my Relationship Bootcamps.

See-what-had-happened-was…I took 40 male and females…whose relationship statues ranged from single, to dating, engage, and married…and paired them with complete strangers of the opposite sex. Then I gave them a secret mission to complete. Since their mission was secret, I can’t tell you what they did, or I’d have to kill you. But what I can tell you is what happened during their mission completely blew their minds.

Some men reported that they were more caring, considerate, and patient with their mission-partners than they were in their relationships with their real-partners.

Some women reported that their male mission-partners displayed high communication skills…to the shock and surprise of their real-partners, who said that their men normally displayed a lower level of communication skills in their real-relationship.

Hmmm…why is that?

Protection Mode

Well…I can’t explain it better than my-man Stephen, a single African American Bootcamp attendee…whose female mission-partner reported him having excellent communication and leadership skills.

“…while in “protection mode” I was at my best!  It was so very natural and easy for me. I listened and was attentive.  It was about HER comfort level. While in “protection mode” the last thing on my mind was fighting and trying to win or be right….purpose and objective was my priority and getting there safely and secure was all that mattered.  What’s interesting and what has me thinking is that I was at my best with a perfect stranger.  Feeling some kind of way right now because I know I haven’t consistently been that way for the person I love.”

Protection mode is what I described during the Bootcamp as a state when you are sensitive to your partner’s vulnerability and feel a need…a duty…to protect her from hurt, harm, or danger. And NO…I’m not suggesting this instinctual dynamic is segregated for men only. Females have this instinct too…especially when it comes to caring for their children.

But Stephen’s natural reaction to go into protection mode with a complete stranger triggered him to ask some very valid questions that all men in relationships…or wanting to be in relationships…should know the answer to. As Stephen put it,

“…how do you consistently stay in that mode with your real-partner with the stress of everyday life? How do you apply that skill to every day conversation or interaction? How do you maintain that position when you’re in a disagreement or argument; things are heated and it all becomes about winning the fight?”

The answer is…you can’t. You can’t consistently stay in protection mode. You can’t stay in protection mode during every day conversations about what you’re going to cook for dinner…or while listening to your mate explain how their day was at work. That would create a very controlling environment. Plus, the emotional energy it takes to stay in protection mode would cause you to burn out three months into the relationship.

Read This:5 Distinctions from Just Being Her Man to Being Her Leader

Personal Protection vs. Relational Protection

But what you can do…is elevate your sense of protection from the personal interaction-level up to the relationship-level. What I mean is…don’t just prioritize her safety and security during your interactions, but more so, prioritize the safety and security of the relationship.

When my wife, Bernadette (Bernie), and I got engaged, I too automatically switched into protection mode. But what I was protecting was the future legacy of our family, that which we later dubbed the Wiggins Household. As the initiator to our relationship…being the one who asked her to marry me…I was super-serious about creating and protecting our family values, goals, plans, and financial future. I wasn’t necessarily protecting our everyday interactions…unless a specific interaction threatened the Wiggins Household’s legacy.

As we advance in our marriage, I learned that my original goals and plans had to be changed to accommodate Bernie’s preferences and desires…those which neither of us could have predicted what they would be prior to marriage. This was an important fact I came to accept…and one that every man must also accept and welcome as a apart of marriage if he ever wants to enjoy a happy marriage.

So, to Stephen and my fellow relationship initiators…if you are serious about creating and maintaining a happy loving successful relationship, then you must switch your priority from trying to protect the individual interactions of your relationship to protecting the relational values, goals, plans, etc of the relationship. For within that protection lies the relational values that should be used to trigger protection mode during your individual interactions.

BMWK – How important is your relational protection vs interactional protection?