To My Beloved Child,

When you were in my womb, my heart was filled with sheer joy. An inexplicable feeling of bringing a beautiful life into this world. What a blessing and a privilege! But, there is something that I just have to say. It didn’t take long after I gave birth to you, that I realized there were certain things that I hate about being a mom. There! I said it. You mean more to me than anything in this world. It’s just that being mommy and what comes with the territory…some things, I just. don’t. like.

All the nights that I sleep uncomfortably on the floor by your crib, watching you, in awe of the beautiful work and a miracle that only God could create. I watch you because its completely terrifying that there is the slightest possibility that your tiny little heart could stop beating or the thought that your itty bitty lungs will just forget what to do. THAT’S the part that I hate.

The simple fact that as your mom, I have to look into your big beautiful brown eyes and kiss you goodbye each morning. Spending time away from you, for what feels like countless hours — working hard (or hardly working because I’m thinking of you), just so I can make sure that you are taken care of and that all of your needs are met and then some. I hate that…

I find myself becoming devastatingly miserable whenever I hear about amber alerts or school shootings or senseless crimes against young innocent babies that remind me of you. “Who could do that to a baby/child?”, I ask. Don’t they realize that you had no voice or choice but to be here and that you are a gift from God? I absolutely HATE feeling like that.

Let’s talk about the times that I have to suppress the urge to react and behave JUST LIKE the petulant child that just pushed you down on the playground or the one that decided that they just don’t want to play with you anymore! Man, this is hard!!!

How can I possibly enjoy watching you find more pleasure and enjoyment in hanging out with your friends MORE than you enjoy hanging out with me? I made you laugh. We made silly faces together. Besides, who knows all of your “tickle spots”? What’s that you say? Don’t kiss you in front of your friends? Are you serious? OK, I get it. See what I mean? I hate this.

You can’t blame me if I find it extremely painful to hear about your heartaches — from backstabbing friends to the heartless “frienemies” that just don’t see how priceless you truly are. They have no idea what a beautiful person you are — both on the inside AND out! I thought I had a while before we crossed this bridge, but here we are. Your first of many heartbreaks. There are more to come my dear, just keep on living. To me, you’re still my baby, and when you hurt…I hurt. You see where I’m going with this?

It’s 2 o’clock in the morning. I’ve been waiting for you…and you honestly expected me to get some sleep? I know that YOU were out there being safe, but it’s always the others out there that I worry about. As you can see your room is still the same as the day that you left. I don’t care how old you are, I still love to watch you when you sleep. It reminds me of when you were small enough to fit in the palms of my hands. But, you’re here now, and it feels like an eternity when you’re not. I know that I’ve instilled in you everything you need to take on the world! It’s just that it was so much easier back then, when all I had to do was strap you in a carseat, or bake you your favorite brownies, or just make sure you were fed, bathed and clothed.

Times have changed and I can’t help but wonder if you’re okay. I pray for your safety, your well-being, and your new family, but part of me longs to still have you near. Remember when kissing your boo-boos back then, was easy? Or when Band-Aids and ice cream made everything better? Now that you’re older, I hate that I can’t be wherever you are to protect you from the cruelty and throes of the world.

I guess I just want you to know that being a mom, is one of the hardest, yet beautiful and rewarding things I’ll ever do. Since you’ve come into my life, I’ve had to struggle with the fact that this heart, that was once all mine, is now an extension — which is you!

Love,
Mom

BMWK — Is there anything you “hate” about being a parent?