A single woman in her late 40s/early 50s was on a date with her gentleman-friend at a semi-formal event. They were holding hands. But his neck was on swivel…looking at a bunch of other women. She noticed it but didn’t say anything at the moment. She waited until they got outside. Then she told him in a polite yet determinant way that ‘I don’t play that. That’s disrespectful’.
He was like, “What? Girl…you trippin’!”
So she was like, ‘Whateva! But you’re not gonna disrespect me when we’re out together.’
So she stopped seeing him. Was she right? It depends.
After she told me this story, she asked me, “Why do men look at other women, even when they are out with someone?” This is what I told her. (caveat: this is an explanation not a justification.)
From the time of pre-teens, men were socialized to admire females’ bodies. ‘She gotta phat butt.’ ‘She has big breast’ is the standard conversation that goes on among boys in school, on the block, on the phone…everywhere. This fixation intensifies through the pubescent years of high school, the sexual exploratory days of college, and through the youthful folly of their 20’s. Looking at other women has grown into an automatic, involuntary response to a female stimulus, like saying ‘amen’ to a preacher who’s preaching a good sermon.
Enter the love of his life. Now, he’s expected to stop looking at everyone else and focus his attention solely on one person. Noble…indeed. But his challenge is, he has to consciously retrain himself to stop doing a very natural involuntary response to a female stimulus that he’s been doing more than half his life.
There are three types of men in this regard. Jack is able to control himself and not check out every woman that crosses his path. Sam tries, but finds it very difficult. He’s the one that tries to act like he’s not looking, but is obviously checking her out. And then there’s Mike. Mike doesn’t care. He looked, is looking, and will look again. And there’s nothing you can say or do to stop him.
Ladies, if you are in a relationship with Jack, you’ve got yourself a man that has retrained himself not to check out every woman. Keep him. He is considerate and cares about your feelings.
If you’re with Sam, be aware that he’s not intentionally doing something to you. He’s just doing something that comes automatically natural to him…like an ‘amen’ at church. This was me for the first year of our marriage. I didn’t realize I was still looking at other women until I got tired of my wife ‘trippin’ about it. I had to really check myself. And she was right. So I made an intentional effort to stop because I cared for her feelings. Be patient with Sam. Let him know how you feel about what he’s doing and give him an opportunity to change his behavior. But show some empathy for his plight and give him grace to change over time. It’s an unrealistic expectation to expect him to stop cold turkey, a decade-long automatic behavioral pattern over night.
If you’re with Mike, he’s a lost cause. He likes looking at other women. It gives him a dopamine high and he doesn’t want to stop. The only way he will stop is if he decides to. If you’re dating him, don’t expect anything other than what you’re already getting. Consider this a warning. If you’re married to him, this issue is the least of your problems.
Like I said, I’m not justifying this as appropriate behavior in order to get you to accept it. But you do have to accept that some men aren’t intentionally doing something to you, in spite of how it might feel. For those men, me included, if you are patient with them and get them to see how it makes you feel, then they will respect your feelings and, over time, cut back on looking at other women.
BMWK — How do you feel about men looking at other women?
I don’t believe you should disrespect your significant other by gawking at another woman as in this article. It shows her that she isn’t as important to you as she may think she is. It is some amazing looking women out here so don’t disrespect yourselves by trying to do surveillance and check out everything in your eyesight. You have an awesome specimen of a woman right by your side. 80/20
thank you for your comment and the recognition of the value of the woman in a man’s life 🙂
Thank you for the respect.
Yeah…and I look at every car I like too, lol. Just as I look at every hot car I see, I don’t own it… I just admire it from a distance. There is no attachment to it whatsoever. I simply enjoy seeing things that are appealing. However, I take care of my own car. I keep the maintenance up, keep it washed, and am loyal to it because it’s mine. Now replace woman for every place I used car and you’ll get the point. Well the enlightened women and alpha males will…the rest will respond with hateful replies such as “how can you compare women to cars” and such. Point is we appreciate what we have and admire it on a daily basis…the rest are just a another car.
Start the hateful responses in 3,2,1…GO!
I need a love button for this response. It hits the nail right on the head
Good point !!!
My husband and I have very different opinions on what’s considered “attractive” in women. while we both will admire a big butt and will whisper to the other to take peek at a big booty passerby, he thinks older (late 40 early 50ish) very heavy women are attractive. I have more of a clichéd view on beauty. slim waist big butt, young and cute. I tease him to the point of embarrassment when i catch him staring at an older fat chic. I’ve gained over 50 pounds and he’s more attracted to me now then ever, and im getting older by the day lol I’m 26, he’s 28. I guess what I’m trying to say is, long as he looks at women that looks like me i don’t care. It just reassures his attraction to my “type” but if he starts looking at young cute big booty college chics with no kids or stretch marks, we might have a problem! Lol
Thanks for you comment Anthony.
How you going to compare a woman to a car? Just kidding. But real talk tho, to use your car analogy, a car does not have feelings so it is impossible for your car to convey to you how it feels about you staring and admiring other cars. If your car said to you that the way you look and talk about other cars makes it feel like I’m not good enough for you and communicates to all the other cars that my car is not good enough for me, which is why I am googling over these other cars. Since you claim that you maintain and take care of your car, how do you address your car’s feelings as its caretaker and provider? Do you ignore those feelings and say it’s just being insecure and petty? Or do you address those feelings and adjust your behavior some kinda way?
Now, let’s switch the roles. Let’s say… your wife is now you, and the cars are other men. Do you still feel the same way?
That’s funny Keri. That’s for your comment.
Yeah and that is the problem… a car is an object, a woman is not. Stop treating women like objects. Decent women don’t want to be gawked at anyway because they have self esteem and know how to self validate without your help. Gawking at other women is also VERY disrespectful to do while in the presence of your wife who probably got dressed and styled her hair and painted her nails and slipped into her sexy heels, just to keep you hot on fire for her and pleased. Then you two step out together and you look at other women not realizing all the effort she put into looking good for you.
Love it! My car and I have had this discussion, lol…insert wife. She expressed some discomfort and I had to reassure her that in no way am I trying to be disrespectful. I told her the truth is…it means just as much to me as looking at a car. Cause she got so tired of me commenting to her on every car I saw and giving her the year, model, and specs all the time. She actually got the comparison. Now it’s even turned into a game with her and I to see who I’m checking out…a lot of times she even beats me to the punch, lol. She knows she’s the Bentley, so the lil S500’s ain’t even in her category.
Houston (Keri) you have a problem!
Lol its just one of those things that will never make or shake our bond. Women know when other women are attractive. You might say to yourself,Wow, she’s really pretty. If I notice, I know he certainly does. As long as he’s not breaking his neck and drooling I’m not going to lose it. Infidelity has never been an issue in our relationship. So I’m not super sensitive to things like that. I’ve been with my husband for almost 9 years. Married for 6. Marriage is freaking hard enough, why o why sweat the small stuff?
Thank you so much for this article I’ve been on a journey with my marriage and it is yet to be determined but this article has opened my eyes a little about having an understanding opposed to an automatic assumption. I’m not sure about everyone else but I can use these tips when it comes to men b/c we think so differently
Great point. Thanks for your comment.
G. Williams, as long as she’s cool with it, that cool. But proceed with caution. Continually monitor her feelings about playing this game in the event she grows weary of the playing. Because know…this game was created for you, as a way for you to look at other women. She’s playing it as a compromise. It’s not like she ever expected to sit down with her husband and check out other women’s bodies as a form of entertainment. One day, she might not want to play anymore; and the way you’ll know after she has a attitude with you about it. So make sure you check in with her to see how she feels about it. If you sense that she’s growing weary, that’s when you need to stop playing this game together.
Thanks Carina. I hope this sheds some light on your situation.
If you are comfortable in your relationship it doesnt matter. My husband and I have a look and dont touch policy. He will even sometimes compliment on what he see. Sometimes i might have to say stop staring. He will sometimes say she got it goin on and sometimes I will agree. And if he see a big bootie he will say grea….t day.(my boodie is medium) Its not a problem for me and not to him when i say brotha is fine. Its more of a issue with in your self not the looking. Maybe you need to check your relationship or your own insecurities. Life is too short to be worried about my husband looking at othwr women. I will put that energy into giving him something to stare at and something that he can actually touch.
Thanks for your comments.
Absolutely! I did forget to add that I would never ask my wife to do something for me that I would not be willing to do for her in return. Not one jealous bone in my body and the game extends both ways. My ideology is simply this…”we ain’t blind”. She just as well sees men that can capture her eyes momentarily and I see nothing wrong with it. In my opinion with two secure people it adds fun to the relationship. Either she is an oscar award winner or she really believes that I am the man for her. So if that’s the case how could I feel “disrespected” in any way. People have opinions and what works for some may not work for others. I just believe if you keep things on the table you fare a hell of a lot better than those who in secret look and try to hide it from eachother.
Yes, Heath that is what I’m talking about. If you want to so eagerly compare women to cars and then get upset when people call you out on comparing women to objects, you’re the REAL problem. Women have feelings, you know unlike cars. So when your wife expresses to you how hurtful it is that you are comparing her to other women, should she just shut up and accept it because you’re “maintaining the car”? In marriage, you have to put your spouse’s feelings first. If your behavior hurts her, you should adjust your behavior to show your CARE for her. If your wife was doing something that disrespected you, made you feel less than and inferior to other men, would you (a) want her to ignore/belittle your feelings and tell you to accept it; “I enjoy it” “it’s appealing” “I don’t feel any attachment” OR (b) listen to your concerns, evaluate that she was actually in the WRONG, and change her behavior!
Personally this makes me wary to get married. To have to always compete with other women for his attention seems really unfair, and this message that I should just accept it and wait “patiently” until he stops just makes me sick to the stomach.
Agreed. If I started to “admire another man’s beauty” in front of my man, he would not have it. Men make all kinds of excuses for why they are mindless, insensitive, disrespectful creeps. Women are not on this earth for them to stare and lust after, and just because she is attractive, does not mean she seeks attention from you. My man got a nice dose his own medicine when I started to gawk at men in front of him. With the look of conviction in his face, he felt he was being dissed, couldn’t understand why I would even do it. As I explained to him, I not his homeboy. You do that with your boys, not your woman. They are not smart enough to keep from getting caught, or glance and look away. Needless to say, he doesn’t do that with me anymore.
Depends on *how* they look. My husband looks, personally I don’t really care. It’s normal and healthy imho. That said, depends on the look. For example, I’ve seen some looks in my direction from other men which border on the creepy. If my husband ever shot out one of those creepy-type-basement-dweller-looks THEN, we’d have a problem 😀
First and foremost men are visual creatures it is our makeup. If a man looks at another woman, it means nothing. Adding balance there are exception to every rule. You guys look at other women, and men. And don’t give it a second thought.
Because a guy looks at another woman, does not mean he is leaving, especially if he is getting what he needs and wants at home. He could be looking at her thinking that would look good on you. I have pointed out things to my lady, and asked her ” do you like that or this? “, getting ideals for a present. Because we people watch together. And Love looking at the human condition together.
If they are in an adult relationship and the female he is with is sure of herself, she will point them out to him. I have experienced this very thing. The person I am with said that ” I know you are going to look, because I looked “. But, around her I felt like her king, her man, and she is not a demure woman, she is a alpha female and very sure and capable, she shows me a lot of respect in the relationship. And I am very respectful and appreciative of her. And, because I am not made to feel like I have done something wrong, I don’t do it. Because, if I want to I can. And I will not be punished for being who I am. AND THAT IS A MAN.
If a female, is insecure about her man, then she knows there are things she may not be doing. And if she is trying to be a Master Manipulator, and control his every thought, then she may have a need to feel this way. I am not trying to put down any women, but His looking does not say I am leaving you. Besides, being human says You and I will look, and sometimes have a fantasy about it. Being adult about the situation, does not mean everyone is capable. It does not make you less than, it just mean you need to grow some more. And 1 last thing, do you talk about it to him, or are you making a demand to him. It makes a difference.