Recently I read headlines about a Brooklyn, NY teacher being fined $10,000 by New York City’s Department of Education for encouraging a third grade student in her classroom to hit his bully back. The 13-year veteran teacher denies the allegations, saying that the boy misunderstood what she was trying to say. Of course, as a parent, I have to wonder what really went down in that classroom.
Lately the issue of bullying has been on my mind. My children are very young, but recently I noticed that a young boy in my son’s preschool class seems to be rather aggressive. I took my son to two birthday parties one weekend and at each party this child did something to my son that I was not okay with. I spoke to my son about it and that Monday I also had a conversation with his teacher. She explained that the boy in question is pretty aggressive with all the kids in the class and it’s something they watch very carefully. I was satisfied with the way my conversation with her went, but it left me wondering about what lies ahead.
I am not a violent person. I never have been. I grew up in Brooklyn, New York, attended public schools, and I have never been in a fight my entire life. Now, I have been ready to fight, but thankfully I have always been able to keep my hands to myself and resolve issues with my words.
As parents, my husband and I want to raise children who are kind and gentle. I want my kids to see the best in people, treat others with respect, and stand up for what’s right. With that said, we also plan to teach them to hit back if they’ve been hit. Now, I didn’t advise my 3-year-old to do this because he is so young. Two of his former teachers even refer to him as the gentle giant because he was one of the bigger kids in his class, but so gentle. Instead, I told him to tell the kid, in a really loud voice, not to hit him because it’s not okay, and then to go and tell the teacher. I also told him to do the same thing if that kid hits another kid in the class. But, there will come a day where we will tell him that if he tries to talk to a peer to handle a conflict with words but his peer decides to hit him – well, he should hit the kid back. Same goes for our daughter.
It’s unfortunate but when a kid lets another kid hit him, and it happens repeatedly, turning the other cheek simply sends a message to all the other kids that picking on this kid is okay because he won’t do anything. That is often how bullying begins. I don’t want my kids hitting people. I want them to use their words. If I managed to grow up in the inner-city without ever ending up in a fist-fight, surely I would like the same for my kids growing up in suburbia. However, I want my children to have the confidence and courage to defend themselves when necessary. No one has the right to just beat up on them. I’m not sure what really happened in this classroom in Brooklyn, but I sure hope this teacher didn’t have a kid stand up in front of her class so another kid could hit him back. Talk about a teachable moment gone wrong.
My hope is that words will work. My hope is that my kids can avoid ever hitting anyone, for any reason. Yet, I know the reality of the world we live in. I know that people might mess with them because their kindness will be mistaken for weakness. And, if and when that day comes, I am letting everyone know that my kids will fight back.
BMWK Family, what are you teaching your children when it comes to dealing with bullies? Do you ever teach your kids that it is ok to fight back?
Your article reflects EXACTLY how I feel about my 4 year old daughter who will start Pre-K in August. I worry about her because she’s so sweet and loving without a “mean” bone in her body but I need her to know that it’s never cool for anyone to hit her and if it happens she will have daddy’s permission to hit back. Hopefully it never comes to that but these days it almost seems inevitable, which really sucks.
i teach my kids to never START a fight, but to ALWAYS defend themselves against physical altercations/threats.
I teach all 3 of my sons the same. Keep your hands to yourself. If I ever find out tha they have been the aggressor against another child, they will get what they deserve from that other child. They will get what they deserve in regards to punishment from the school and let’s not discuss what they will get from me and their father. Yes. I am THAT parent. I do not tolerate my children putting their hand on another child and I teach them to accept the consequences that come along with that. However, if my child is the target of bullying I teach them that they have the right to defend themselves in that moment. I am a firm believer the only way to handle a bully who chooses violence is to stand up to him or her. That goes for girls too. I know it’s not politically correct to say in the day and age, but oh well. Girls do not get a pass if they choose to do violence to one of my sons. My boys are young and still in elementary school. There are no size and strength issues at play. They are authorize to defend themselves against boys and girls. I’d be happy to have that conversation with any parent. I teach them to fight back and fight hard in that moment even if they lose. I bet that bully will think twice the next time.
I have some thoughts – I am a teacher and when I see a kid hitting, it can sometimes be the one who is defending themselves but I have no idea because the initiator often denies that he was the first to hit. See what I mean? I end up catching the one who is defending themselves but I have no way to know who is telling the truth (yes, even if you think your child would never be the initiator, I don’t know that) so…. how has this worked at school for you? Now, before your blood pressure goes up – let me explain – I am also a grandmother and let me tell you this, I am going to teach my grandson to also hit back and defend himself. I have to because if I ever find out a kid hit my grandson, I will be wearing orange for the rest of my life. 🙂 So I am just curious how this has worked out at school. He begins Kinder this year and I am so worried because bullying seems to be the norm, rather than the exception. He’s a little guy and again, I just seriously am not sure I can control myself if he is bullied. Your thoughts?