So I was out the other night and met a young lady who was engaged to be married. After showing me her ring and telling me about her wedding plans, I asked her a very simple question: ”Why do you want to marry him?” She took an awkward pause and thought, and thought, and thought a little longer and her response was simply…”Because I know he wouldn’t leave me.” I thought for sure she must have misunderstood the question so I proceeded to ask her…”well what do you like about him that would make you want to marry him?” She paused again and to my unfortunate surprise she said “I’m not sure, let me think about it.” And guess who is still waiting on the answer to that question? I was around her for another hour and still no substantive answer.
Out of that interaction was born my motivation for writing this blog! Call me silly for thinking this, but if you are about to commit yourself to someone for the rest of your life and if I asked you why you are marrying them, you should be able to rattle that off pretty quickly; shouldn’t you? I believe we have a very fundamental problem in the world of building productive and healthy relationships when the only reason that a person can come up with as to why they are involved with someone is “because I know he wouldn’t leave me.” The more I coach, the more I realize that so many of our relationship decisions aren’t sustainable or productive because the decisions are coming from a fear of being alone.
Now I know what you all are thinking…well maybe he really is a good guy but she just had a brain freeze, or maybe this or maybe that! For all of you who are looking for a reason to discredit my take on this, I would ask you to take a moment to think about your own life, your own family, and your own friends. I can almost guarantee you that you know someone who is in a relationship, not because the person adds any value to their life, but because they fear the thought of spending their lives alone.
There are a few ironies that I think we must address though. How come it seems like we live in a “me, myself, and I” society that thrives on independence, yet many relationships are built off of fear of loneliness. There is this willingness settle for anything because of a fear of having nothing. The second irony is that when we choose to build relationships of little substance we ultimately end up feeling lonely even within that relationship. Those relationships end up causing more hurt than if you would just have remained alone until something substantive came along.
So as I continued the conversation with this young lady, she said something else that sent off my coaching radar senses: HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM! She said “well if this marriage doesn’t work out I will just get out of it like I did my first one.” I said hold up, wait, let’s back up a minute. Then I decided to just listen because I didn’t have time to dig deeper. Instead, I knew I would have something to write about which is this! How can we have commitments with caveats like that? When did we start leasing marriages and renting mates? Maybe I will save that for another blog though.
So what’s my point? My point is that just like they say that you shouldn’t make decisions when you are mad, you also shouldn’t choose mates just because you are lonely and think they won’t leave you. We must get comfortable being uncomfortable. Being alone doesn’t mean you failed. It just means that you have had time to reflect and understand who you are and what you want, so that when someone asks you “why do you want to marry him/her?” you will be able to list so many things that they might have to nicely ask you to SHUT UP! You should want to be with someone not because they will never leave you, but rather because you don’t want to live without them.
BMWK Get involved in the conversation: If someone asked you why you are marrying your fiancé what things would you say or want to be able to say?
I love my husband the first I saw him when he sat across from me in class during middle school. But after 3 years of verbal abuse being called a bitch. Next, month I will be divorcing him… 🙁
My father once told me when I was a little girl.
Never allow a man to call you a bitch, because once you allow that to happen they have lost all respect for who you are. I still love my husband
And I wish him well. But I refused be put down.
Erica …kudos! I was a victim of verbal bitch abused! Yes…I’m divorce!
Amen, stand strong.
I agree
I am horrified! Your daddy gave you good advise. I pray that all goes well. Peace Blessings and Love
“How come it seems like we live in a “me, myself, and I” society that thrives on independence, yet many relationships are built off of fear of loneliness.”
This is so true. I’m incline to believe that pop culture plays a role into fooling us into the independent mentality. Beyonce became an icon just by serving us the “independent woman” mantra, yet she made sure she landed a mate in the process of telling other woman the opposite. The bottom line is this: we are biologically designed to be dependent on others in some aspects of our lives. Wanting (craving) companionship is perfectly normal.
It can be difficult to tell people who struggle with singleness that they shouldn’t get married just because. Singleness, after a certain age, can be like driving on a never-ending highway. Nothing is wrong with the highway, you’re just tired of the scene, the dreadful drive and its lack of exits. But unfortunately, the highways of marriage can be equally tiresome and dreadful, but telling this to some singles can mean nothing. They’ve got to live it in order to believe it.
Thanks for reading Erica.I don’t know much about your relationship with your husband, but I do know that no one deserves to be abused. I hope things work out for the best for you.
Girlie Girl thanks for reading and for your comments. I agree with you and I believe that many people are living very lonely lives even within their marriages. We all desire companionship, but I believe that we must focus more on the RIGHT kind of companionship and that may just take having some patience even in the midst of feeling lonely.
I am lonely in my marriage. I believe that my spouse grew up in abuse and has issues when it comes to forming and maintaining a close relationship. However, I believe marriage is forever, so here we are! 🙁
Nosah what have you communicated to your mate about feeling alone? I find that many times these issues come from a lack of communication and expectations. Sometimes we get so comfortable in our relationships that we dont communicate our needs and wants because we assume the other person should just know. When those needs and wants arent communicated but the expectations are still there then thats when resentment begins to set in. Try communicating about it first. Have a conversation and not a confrontation. Secondly seek some coaching or counseling that will help you with a plan of action from an objective 3rd party source. Its hard to see whats going on in a marriage when you are the one actually in it. I am always available for coaching, just email me at [email protected]. Thanks and I hope that you can work through these issues in your marriages. There is no need to be in a unhapphy marriage, but sometimes returning back to happiness takes a little extra work!
I agree with Nosah… Sometimes things are done for convenience and fear of being alone .. So here we are stuck in a marriage where you are very lonely . My spouse does nothing with me everything I do is with my son.. I also believe marriage is forever but I also believe in happiness… So at this point what do you do?????
Ashleigh what have you communicated to your mate about feeling alone? I find that many times these issues come from a lack of communication and expectations. Sometimes we get so comfortable in our relationships that we dont communicate our needs and wants because we assume the other person should just know. When those needs and wants arent communicated but the expectations are still there then thats when resentment begins to set in. Try communicating about it first. Have a conversation and not a confrontation. Secondly seek some coaching or counseling that will help you with a plan of action from an objective 3rd party source. Its hard to see whats going on in a marriage when you are the one actually in it. I am always available for coaching, just email me at [email protected]. Thanks and I hope that you can work through these issues in your marriages. There is no need to be in a unhapphy marriage, but sometimes returning back to happiness takes a little extra work!
Nosah and Ashleigh what have you communicated to your mate about feeling alone? I find that many times these issues come from a lack of communication and expectations. Sometimes we get so comfortable in our relationships that we dont communicate our needs and wants because we assume the other person should just know. When those needs and wants arent communicated but the expectations are still there then thats when resentment begins to set in. Try communicating about it first. Have a conversation and not a confrontation. Secondly seek some coaching or counseling that will help you with a plan of action from an objective 3rd party source. Its hard to see whats going on in a marriage when you are the one actually in it. I am always available for coaching, just email me at [email protected]. Thanks and I hope that you can work through these issues in your marriages. There is no need to be in a unhapphy marriage, but sometimes returning back to happiness takes a little extra work!