by Dr. Shane Perrault
Since Tiger Wood’s car struck a neighbor’s fire hydrant and tree right before Thanksgiving, the most famous golfer in the world’s admitted “transgressions” have been the lead story in every paper and news cast, and fodder for comedy routines.
My private practice has been inundated with calls…asking why do men cheat? And, is Tiger more likely to cheat than my husband, or was he just more likely to have gotten caught because of the microscope that comes with him being good looking, rich and famous?
Well, my first response is by-and-large happy people don’t cheat, but unhappy people do. This observation is consistent with data from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy that reported 15% of wives and 25% of husbands have had extramarital intercourse.
But why would Tiger risk it all (or even desire too)?
He’s clearly smart, disciplined and from all outside appearances happily married to a beautiful woman who is the mother of his two kids — and he appears to love her.
As a marriage counselor with over 16 years experience, it’s been my experience, and studies agree, that like Tiger the average Joe who cheats doesn’t do so because they don’t love their spouse. Rather, they cheat because there is something missing in their relationship, or within themselves ““ which I refer to as a “void”.
When husbands, or wives (and, yes, women cheat too) come into my private practice for marital therapy and admit to infidelity, the first question I ask is what was going on in the relationship at the time of the affair. If the cheating partner says they didn’t feel like a priority, felt a lack of intimacy, or there conflicts were being resolved in a win/lose fashion; then I immediately think OK they were just “unhappy”, and I take a sigh of relief. In contrast, if they were happy and cheated, then I fear the worse.
You might ask why would a marital psychologist take a take a sigh of relief when an unhappy partner cheats? Well, it’s pretty simple, as a general rule happy people don’t cheat, and when they do it’s generally a reflection on some greater problem compared to when unhappy people cheat.
Unhappy people generally cheat for emotional reasons related to a void between them and their partner. If there is a void, at least we identify the emotional issues underlying the affair, and strategize about how to fill the void. For example, couples can learn to make each other feel more like a priority (or appreciated), learn how to read and speak each other’s love languages so that they can communicate more effectively, or learn how to resolve conflicts in a win/win vs. a win/lose manner”...so that neither partner harbors bitterness and can move on in a positive fashion after the disagreement.
On the other hand, experience has taught me it can be a more complex issue when happy people cheat. First, I have found that sometimes one partner’s sexual drive might make it impossible for them to be satisfied by one partner. Next, I have found that some people need the adrenalin rush and excitement that comes with the pursuit and conquest they experience while cheating, having sex with different partners and in clandestine places.
Alternatively, I’ve found that in some case cheaters may have ADHD, or a co-occurring sexual addiction. Actually, these two frequently go hand-and-hand with each other and infidelity, and directly contribute to cheaters engaging in impulsive, addictive and risky activities.
In my next blog, I will talk about how to Affair-Proof your marriage, particularly if your partner has untreated ADHD or a sexual addiction.
Dr. Shane Perrault,
Founder AfricanAmericanMarriageCounseling.com
CS says
How about financial reasons and opportunity? I know a few professional athletes and they all seem to put monogamy on the backseat. Tiger’s fortune is vast and that also makes him a target. Happy or unhappy to me he cheated simply because he could.
I remember in the summer of 2007 Will Demps a safety who used to play for the NY Giants did in article in Essence Magazine about being more faithful and avoiding groupies on a regular and how the guys in the locker room were wondering why he’d want to give it up.
To me people trying to compare their relationships to those of celebrities is a little bit like trying to compare apples to oranges. I dated someone who was in the music industry and just in the producing stage not the “lime light” singers you see and STILL I had to deal with groupies. After interviews and hanging outside of the studio were women who barely wore a darn thing in 30 degree weather.
Then there were the tours. I worked a regular job so I couldn’t take off three months to go on the road every quarter and of course there were groupies there too. Even though we broke up we remained good friends. I understood what the challenges were and I wasn’t comfortable with it he understood and although he would go out of his way to reassure me calling me all the time inviting me to go along I still knew it would only be a matter of time. So to me happy or unhappy celebrities have to also deal with way more morality issues and temptations then the average couple do. And I guess I’m jaded but I expect them to cheat. The ones who don’t simply haven’t been caught. Or cheated early in their relationship but have learned to value what they have and stopped in the later years.
.-= CS´s last blog ..Your Business Description and Market: B.O.M. Series =-.
Staycee2 says
I don’t know why people don’t take their vows to heart… Maybe the question is does people digest the vows that they spoke before family & friends.. My heart gets so heavy when people discuss infidelity.. Let’s just honor our vows and think about how infidelity would hurt our significant other and/or spouse… I don’t know what’s worse, giving birth, a toothache or finding out your spouse cheated on you…
CS says
@ Staycee2
A toothache and giving birth are painful but they can all be over and done with in matter of hours or days. The pain of finding out your spouse cheated can have emotional ramifications to you as well as, your family for years to come.
.-= CS´s last blog ..$6500 Homebuyer Tax Credit for Current Homeowners =-.
Boogie says
Why even commit or marry? At this point I have concluded that people will cheat no matter the reason. We keep asking why? Why not just accept that you risk cheating or being cheated on in any relationship especially in these times. You go in thinking you are so in love and you trust this person and they would neeeeeeeever do that but somewhere in the back of your mind there is always the question. Who has the energy to worry about such nonsense in day to day life. Egos, Money, Addiction, etc…there is always going to be something!
Ronnie says
I never would have associated cheating and ADHD. I would love to learn more about that. With the recent news that Tiger has had many many affairs…if it is even true, then I am wondering if he has some sort of addiction.
If you have ADHD, does that prevent you from being able to choose between right and wrong? Or does the person act without thinking about the consequences first? Please share more on this topic.
Anna says
December 9, 2009 at 10:26 am
If you have ADHD, does that prevent you from being able to choose between right and wrong? Or does the person act without thinking about the consequences first? Please share more on this topic.
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I consider ADHD a form of boredom and repetition. Tiger can do that on the golf course (deal with repetition) because that’s his craft. He wants a variety off the course and his way of fulfilling his attention span is women. I wouldn’t consider him a sex addict but I would have told everyone I was if I were him to try to save my career. I find it very insulting that he is going to pay his wife millions to stay with him. Infedilaty is to be handled between a husband and a wife. How do you handle many “mistresses’. YOU DON”T and YOU CAN”T. I would be running to my divorce lawyer and checking my “Prenup List” twice. There is a woman who moved from our burbs to New York and Tiger “alledgely” flew her around the Globe to be with him while he was playing competitive golf. At first I felt sorry for him. Now I feel sorry for Elin. He must make her think her marriage was a joke. This in no way can be restored. I would get out while I had some dignity left.
CS said it, most stay due to finances and “status” (wanting to be apart of the “wives club) Elin was not apart of any club and did not have to hang out with hot shot ppl for her own shine. Elin will never, ever have to worry about money if she leaves. Tiger should be single, don’t drag your wife down with you. Am I the only one that finds it disturbing that out of all Tigers mistresses none have been reported to be nothing other than “strippers, cocktail waitresses, models and tv personalities’. This shows his character, he did not want an educated women, he wants to maintain the contol with his Stanford education and his money making power. It does not surprise me that all of these women are white, that’s not the issue, he married a white woman.
Cherlyn Curtis says
I said right away, Does Tiger have ADHD — here are the reasons NOT excuses. ADHD’ers have an unreal ability to hyper focus — like in the movie Field of Dreams when the main character would say “Stop the mechanism” just before he pitched — baseball–and the crowd noise all stopped.
The other reason is that there is a component in ADHD’ers that simply does not process RISK. It has nothing to do with LOVE, but rather he does not stop and think, “Now if this blows up in my face, what is the RISK ? (my marriage, my fortune, my endorsements etc) none of that comes to mind. The unreal adrenaline rush is intoxicating.
A lot has been said about his wife not leaving as she was a child of divorced parents – but with so many coming forth I don’t know. How will she trust him again, she cannot travel with him, she cannot be with him every moment he is on tour. And how would you treat him — medically –since he is such an athelete you can’t treat his ADHD and not affect his “hyper focusing” which he must have to stay a winner on the golf course.
Simply having a resolve is not going to be strong enough. And whether he wants to face it or not Aids is real — he has been risking her very life!
Dr. Shane says
Thanks for all of your comments!
Some of you have asked if Tiger has ADHD? Frankly, I have never heard that Tiger has ADHD, nor am I in anyway implying Tiger has ADHD. I was merely pointing out that some times people are wired in a way that makes them more likely to engage in risky, impulsive or other addictive behaviors — like cheating.
(Before we go any further, I am not suggesting people with ADHD are more likely to cheat. I do not know that to be the case.)
Others have asked how would I treat Tiger. First, I would try to determine exactly why he was engaging in his extramarital affairs. Specifically, is he happy in the marriage; and if not what is missing. If there is a problem in the marriage, obviously we would try and help him and his wife to fill that void together.
On the other hand, if Tiger was happy in the marriage, I would try and determine exactly what did he get out of the affairs. As B.F. Skinner says, “human (and animal) behavior is primarily motivated by the desire to obtain rewards or to avoid punishment.” I would therefore try and pin down what Tiger’s motivation’s were, and what — if any — other factors drove him to commit his “transgressionsâ€. He will also need to discover some healthier outlets to meet the needs that drove him to cheat.
Tiger is also going to need to make amends, with his family, the public and even himself for the damage he has caused. Helping him to do so would be a major focus of treatment.
That would be my strategy to help Tiger. Treatment would have to include helping him and his family to heal as well. Normally the pain of infidelity alone can bring the strongest of marriages to it’s knees, but to have the world watch you humiliate your partner. Wow! I don’t think anyone could imagine what she and their family are going through.
I hope Tiger really does get the help he deserves because what ever drove him to those affairs must be meaningfully addressed, or he could succumb to them again. I know that’s hard to imagine, but he will still have the same personality and neurological traits, and temptation will be lurking long after the consequences have faded. And if he doesn’t get real help, lightening could strike again.
That said, my prayers go out to the Woods Family. I also hope we all can avoid the need to pass judgment. He’s human, and has made some mistakes and learned some painful lessons. God forgives and loves us all, despite ourselves!
design says
Tiger Wodds is not that happy, he has not looked happy for a long time.
Look there were obvious psychological needs that Tiger Woods displayed from the beginning.
I mean I could not believe that his father would allow him to diminish the black influence in his life, that whole golden kid non sense.
I understand that he has siblings but I have never seen them around him.Remember when Tiger started fighting with his caddy over fees and the fact the caddy was stealing advertising? Sure maybe they had a point, but the way that they started personalising it which made them look cheap.
Black people have been used to Tiger Woods being unfaithful, so the wife has just woken up to the realitity. There is a Jazz standard called “What is New”.
Tiger needs to sit down and think, why am I so scared to be identified with black people? I mean the man actually compared black culture with a little Island and said he preferred that. That is a talk of the ignorant, not worthy of soemone who even entered Stanford.
I am sorry to see that boy so unhapppy but look at him when he place golf and how throws clubs around the golf course.
.-= design´s last blog ..Black House TTN Japan =-.
Anna says
I only saw Tiger with his mom and dad, his kids and his wife. I did not know he had siblings. Not to be rude, mean or insentive, but I think Tigers dad forgot to teach him (to me which is a bigger lesson) that he is and always will be a “black man’. Forgive me for what I am about to say : you can be the most famous person in the world, with more money than our country is in debt, but when you leave a room those in attendance only see you as a Negro. Tiger was put up on a pedestal so high by the media, his peers and his surroundings, that it will take alot of self idenity for him to be able to recover. A man is measured by his character, if his character was picked for him, or told to him, how is he to know what his character is? I am a biracial woman but was not raised black or white, but my siblings and I were raised “right from wrong”. We were told about racism but even though our skin was white we knew we were black and that is what we identifed with , (knowing we are black).
Ann A says
I agree with Anna and will say that I can tell that he wasn’t taught any lessons at all; only golf lessons.
MiniMe says
Very interesting article. I have been married for almost ten years and just ended an affair with a friend of ten years. Two years prior to my affair, I was extremely unhappy for several reasons. My husband did not express interest in me as much except for sex, did not spend quality time with me, put much time into work, did not help much with our small children, and had become moody and cranky. I expressed these concerns on several occasions with him and was specific about what I needed, he made no changes. My career is emotionally draining, I had two small children, and a moody husband. I became bored and my life was not fitting to my personality(upbeat, happy, organized, etc).
I was recently diagnosed with ADHD(scored high on two assessments). Concentrating is difficult for me, I get bored easily, I changed jobs 5 times in a period of 5 years but maintained my last for 6 years, it was not odd for me to cheat while dating prior to marriage, I love fun and excitement, and a monotonous schedule drives me nuts. Because of these traits, I asked my doctor if that may have contributed to my history of cheating and recent affair but he denies it. My fear prior to marriage was that I would get “tired” of my spouse. As long as there was fun and excitement, I was fine. But increasing responsibilities made life difficult, I struggled to manage my home, my children, and my job, forgetting family birthdays, and always late. I was stressed and all over the place, the affair allowed an escape for me. Fun, passionate sex, and more without the responsibilities.
My husband found out that I was having an affair but is not aware that we were also physical. The “wake up” call now has me as his top priority and there are more efforts being made to meet my emotional needs. It is a work in progress and I am really having a difficult time to reconnect with my spouse.
Thanks for the article, I will be looking forward to articles relating to ADHD. I recently started medication and things are much better.
MiniMe says
Correction, the affair lasted one year.
Dr. Shane says
Wow MiniMe!
I admire your candor. That takes a lot of character.
Glad to see your husband is stepping it up.
I have a site that provides a bit more information about adult ADHD, EntrepreneurswithADHD.com or EswithADHD.com. Also, I recommend a book called the DaVinci Method by Garrett Loporto. Like most things, when it comes to ADHD knowledge is the key.
You can have both — ADHD and a Happy Marriage.
Good Luck!
MiniMe says
Thank you Dr. Shane for the information. I have read some materials on the internet and in bookstores to help me understand ADHD better. I welcome all information because it will enable my family and me to understand my past behavior and provide helpful tips to deal with my issues. My husband and I have learned new ways to assist me with organization and less distractions.
Just for others, there are many positive aspects of having ADHD. I am very creative and talented. I can amazingly multitask at times. My friends never get bored with me as I am outgoing and enthusiastic. Rarely tired and my children never experience a dull moment with me. For these, I choose not to take my medication daily.
Genny says
Greed. Cheating men have told me and cheating women too. They wanted both the spouse and the other partner and the problem is that they don’t give the partner the option of opting out. Cheating is a big health risk and each partner deserves to be informed that they are taking that risk. Maybe Elin found out about the cheating because she caught something. As I told a cheating retard of a boyfriend once, it’s his decision if he wants to go out and sleep with twenty women, but it should be my decision as to whether or not I take their germs into my body.
It’s greed!!! Tiger had a beautiful wife that he pursued, won and proposed to and, that there is something ” missing” from the relationship is a tired, overworked , flimsy, insubstantial excuse. He wants more than one beautiful woman and to be serviced by them. I don’t think cheating is EVER more complicated than a man/ woman wanting more good stuff and thinking they can get away with it.
If a relationship isn’t working or “something is missing” the normal and honest response is to work it out or leave. If a woman feels something is missing she is told that she can’t expect everything from her partner, and to satisfy those needs through other friendships or activities. Honesty is a wonderful thing between two people.
Minime says
Genny, I do agree that greed plays a big role for most cheaters. But, I also agree that something is “missing” in many relationships and causes vulnerability.
If a relationship “isn’t working,” the most respectful thing to do is to make attempts to correct the issue or leave. However, it is not always simple. Please do not take this the wrong way, I am not condoning my behavior of having an affair, it was a poor choice. These are not excuses, just my personal experience a few close to me.
A husband who is the sole provider of his family, works 60hrs/week, and has two small children. Loves his wife dearly and acknowledges she is a good mother and good wife. However, she deals with occasional depression, has an illness in which she is in and out of the emergency room, and in constant pain. He wants to be strong for his wife, yet it’s taking a toll on his spirit. He does not seek out to cheat, however expresses his fears, stresses of work, etc to a female friend versus “complaining” to his wife. Not the appropriate outlet but that’s how his affair began.
A husband who is a good father and husband. Yet his wife puts all of her energy into the children. They do not date, she won’t leave the children with a babysitter. The kids sleep in the bed and stay up late. They never have any time alone. He expresses his needs for quality time together. Nothing changes. He has hopes it will soon get better. He loves her and does not want to leave her with the children? A woman shows interest in him, he enters an affair.
Marriage counseling should have been demanded. I should have demanded counseling in my situation. The effects of affairs are far worse.
sistah1 says
Why do (happy) men cheat? I guess I’m jaded ’cause I don’t think that a person’s cheating has anything to do with whether they’re “happy” at home. So, I wasn’t surprised at all to hear about Tiger’s infidelity. Maybe I should be more shocked when people break their vows, but I’m realizing that I have little faith in people in this area.
https://singleindependentsistah.wordpress.com/2010/02/19/is-cheating-just-par-for-the-course/
.-= sistah1´s last blog ..Is Cheating Just Par for the Course? =-.