As we sat in a dessert parlor right outside of the University of Georgia campus eating our ice cream and crepe desserts today, I asked the kids to tell me about their favorite books or stories. At first, they seemed to struggle with that question.
Our 9 year old finally admitted that she didn’t have a favorite story. Our 5 year finally said she loved the story about the hungry caterpillar that ate all of the food (The Very Hungry Caterpillar.) I asked her why she liked that story. She said because at the end, the caterpillar turned into a butterfly with beautiful colors. I thought, yep, that’s her story because she’s our little princess and she loves all things that are beautiful.
I asked our 3 year old the same question and received the answer that I expected. She said: “I love the story with the caterpillar.” I said you copied your big sister and she just giggled.
I finally asked my nine year old if she could write a story about her life, what it would be. And she said she would write about all of her favorite adventures like the one we were on today. And she would write about hanging out with her friends which is her absolute favorite thing to do in the world. I was happy that she considered our impromptu family outing to tour the University of Georgia campus as one of her adventures. I smiled and was glad that she was enjoying herself.
I was also secretly glad that each of them had happy stories to tell me. This has not always been the case for all of my kids though. I can recall the stories that our oldest child (who is almost 19) would write in his daily journals. They were not so happy.
When he was in 2nd or 3rd grade, he brought home his daily writing journal at the end of the semester. I felt so sad and embarrassed when I read the stories that depicted his father and me arguing. Prior to reading his journal, I wasn’t even aware that he was watching us. He wasn’t just playing with his Legos or watching TV. He was soaking it all in. He knew that I was not happy. And as a result, neither was he.
His journal told me that I was not providing a happy, safe, peaceful, stable environment for my child. I didn’t think about the affect that my tumultuous relationship would have on him. But it came out in his writing and in his behavior at school.
That journal was a wake up call for me. What type of environment and home life was I making for my child? What type of childhood memories would he have? I had to make some serious changes over the years in order to change his story and the story of his siblings.
Those changes started with me doing the following:
- Focusing on my own emotional well being. Kids are very intuitive and can take on a lot of stress and anxiety when their parents are unhappy. For me this involved prayer and counseling. It also meant getting out of a dysfunctional relationship.
- Ensuring that I am present for my kids each and everyday. I can’t parent on auto-pilot. And I can’t be so distracted with work or other relationships (especially bad ones) that my kids become invisible. I have to give them my attention.
- Being very intentional about creating special moments with the kids that include: family vacations, Friday night movie night, board game tournaments (our favorite is Zingo) Playing Uno (and getting beat by my 5 year old almost every game), dance contests in the kitchen, singing songs from Youtube (until Daddy says stop re-playing that song”...I’m sick of it) our nightly bath time routine, and talking at the dinner table each night. You name it and we’re doing it.
- Providing examples of healthy relationships. I am happily married now to a wonderful man that helps me to provide an example of a healthy relationship on daily basis. They see how we love and support each other. They see the sacrifices that we make for each other and they see how we manage conflict. But even before I met my husband and married him, I moved back to my hometown so that I could be near family and friends that could help me to provide those examples.
How can we expect our kids to be happy if they are surrounded by unhappiness at home. If you are not happy with your present situation, then you owe it to yourself and your kids to make some changes. Not only do you deserve to have a happy story, but your kids do too!
BMWK Family – If your kids told a story of their life, what would it be? Have your kids ever written or said things that made you want to make some changes? What things are you doing to ensure that your kids have a happy story to tell?
Each new day provides you with an opportunity to have special moments with your family.
Disclosure: This post is part of a series that is sponsored by Hallmark and the Life is a Special Occasion campaign. All opinions and editorial content expressed are my own.
Great post Ronnie. This is something I struggle with now with a 12-year-old because although I used to feel like she would have happy stories to tell, with her teen years she seems determined to be unhappy all the time unless she is getting her way. So now I don’t know what story she would have to tell but I’m guessing that it would be negative, not due to lack of effort on anyone else’s part. Hoping this is just a phase.
Yes, I have struggled with this with my teenager too. The one thing that I would do differently is that I would not allow him opt out of family activities as much as I did. If I asked him to do something with the family, he would say no most of the time. And then he felt left out.
But when I made him come along…he enjoyed himself so much. I wish I would have done more of that. And got more of his input on family outings.
But they get over their moods eventually.
Excellent post!
Thanks Zarinah!
Great post Ronnie. I love the impromptu trip to Athens. There are so many family activities that are available with in a 30 minute drive from most metropolitan areas. Explore. Venture out! We must teach our kids to be explorers.
Thanks Eric! And you are right we must teach our kids to be explorers and expose them to different things, cultures…etc.
Good point about the teen opting out of family activities. I let him do that and later I think, if he just would have gone along, he would have enjoyed himself (in spite of himself). Of course we make him go along during big outings, but I can think of one particular Saturday when my husband, younger child, dog and I walked to a neighborhood festival and he wanted to stay home. We let him. It was such a beautiful Saturday and the festival was fun in a lazy Saturday sort of way: we ran into friends, ate food, listened to music on the grass. Nothing big, but it was very nice. Where was he? At home watching a movie. He should have been with us.
Family vacations are so important to us. Since my husband has his own business, he is pretty much always working, even at home. Only on vacation does it turn it off (or at least for several hours at a time). And I can always find something that needs doing around the house because it’s endless. Getting out of our day to day “did you clean your room, do your homework, blah, blah” lets us just have fun being together. We try to go away each school break.
Besides the grand vacations and family outings around town, I hope my kids take away the memory that we eat dinner together every night. Even my workaholic husband has gotten on board with that one because he sees the value in every day family conversation. After dinner the work and homework and housework resumes, but for that hour each day, we talk and laugh at the dinner table.
Great post.
I am also guilty of being so preoccupied with things to do …whether it is job related or housework. To be honest, I was so angry with Lamar for suggesting that we go to the University of GA for a quick tour with our girls. I was like how dare he make that suggestion..doesn’t he realize that it is Sunday afternoon and I have to do laundry and write posts, and comb hair and get the kids ready for school. But I am glad he was persistent about going. The girls enjoyed themselves and they all want to go to UGA (well at least until I take them down to Spelman 🙂 )
Thank you for adding the part about seeking counseling in addition to prayer. Too may African-Americans “suffer in silence” because of outdated beliefs about counseling. The bottom line is this: “Unhealthy people raise unhealthy children.” Great article!
You are right about that. I realized that I could not be the best mom that I could be in that situation….I was unhappy and it showed in my parenting. I did not have the desire to create those special moments for my son because I was so preoccupied with the drama. I am glad I had that wake up call.
I love this post. I hope my kids have some happy stories to share. We do things together but they have also witnessed some unhappy moments but they see their dad and I can work through it.
I think it is important for kids to that parents can work through conflicts and disagreements in a healthy way.
Ronnie, I love this post. It truly gives you something to think about. When my oldest daughter was a lot younger I remember her enjoying the cartoon Power Puff Girls, well in that show there is only a father ( a professor who actually made the Power Puff Girls). Well my daughter once told me she wished she was like the Power Puff Girls with just a dad. It broke my heart, but open my eyes. My husband was the fun carefree one at that time. I learned to be a little of both. So not just all work, but making her childhood enjoyable and creating wonderful childhood memories. Thanks for the reminder