Harpo shouts “You ain’t my mammy!!! ” and follows it by throwing a rock at Celie’s head. This was Celie’s first introduction to her step kids in the movie ,The Color Purple. (check out the movie clip below about six minutes and 50 seconds in.)
At first when I saw Ms. Celie get hit by that rock, I was shocked. And this is going to sound awful, keep in mind I was young when that movie came out, but my friends and I used to replay that scene over and over and just laugh and laugh. Now that I am an adult and I have my own blended family.. it’s not so funny. It is definitely a challenge to bring together a blended family.
On Oprah.com, divorce expert, M. Gary Neuman, provides Three Ways to Nurture a Blended Family
1. Create new family traditions. “This family needs something new to work around. So you have the Saturday night movie night that, no matter what, we’re all going to be together,” Gary says.
2. Only the biological parents should discipline. “This is a big mistake a lot of people make and I daresay there are a lot of men who kind of go off and leave the new step-mom to do a lot of things with the kids. Don’t put yourself in that position because every single kid will look at that step-mom and say, ‘Who died and made you boss?'” Gary says.
3. Use similar rules for same-aged children. “So as two parents, you have to sit down and say, ‘How are we going to change the rules so they are more common for all of our children?'”
What do you think about those 3 tips..especially #2? Do you think it is better if the Step-parent does not discipline the Step-kids? Please comment back and share your experiences with us.
cj says
My boyfriend & I are moving in together in a few days and we’ll have his 7 year old daughter with us every other weekend. Whenever I watch her he makes an agreement with her before he leaves that I’m in charge & that she is to obey me with no argument. He tells her that when he gets back he’ll ask me for a detailed report of her behavior and if he hears that she didn’t behave he will then punish her. So far this has worked like a charm — she’s an absolute angel. She’ll even ask me towards the end of our time together if I have any complaints for her father. I appreciate the fact that if she knows that if she doesn’t treat me with respect she’ll have to answer to him. It allows me control while we’re alone & the backing of her father.
NW says
I am married to a man with 2 children. We share custody with their mom. Honestly, it’s him who wants me to discipline the kids more. He does not want to be the only one who disciplines them because he is afraid of being the “bad guy” all the time.
I am comfortable enforcing house rules though. There are certain things that they know are rules of the house. Like his son has to clear the table after dinner. It’s a house rule. So, when I am enforcing it. It’s not just because I say so. It’s on the list, period. We have all seen and reviewed the list together. So, it’s not up for discussion. When I have sent him to his room for talking back, he already knew that was going to happen because that was the pre-described punishment for talking back/disrespect.
That has taken some of the “evil step-mom” stress off of me and helped my husband feel like the load of bad cop is being shared.
TheMom says
We have a blended family. I had two kids when my husband and I got together. My son was 10 years old and my daughter was 1 years old. It is easier for the smaller ones to adjust to a step parent. My daughter basically thinks of my husband as her father. But it is harder for the teens and the pre-teens to adjust.
It was hard for me too. My husband and I have different parenting styles ( which is not a bad thing.) But at first, I used to think… would he be that hard on the kids if they were his own kids. (When you are used to being the only person disciplining the kids…it takes some getting used-to to see others do it.) But now that we have kids together..I can see that he is the same way with them all. We still have some differences in how we deal with certain situations..but I do not have those thoughts in the back of my mind like he is treating the kids different.
I am ok with my husband disciplining the kids. If there is something that I have a problem with, I wait until we are alone and we talk about it.
flyblackbutterfly says
Re: #2, Bernie Mac said it best, hit ’em in the throat and the stomach. But, of course, I’m certainly not condoning any sort of violence.