He was ready; she wasn’t. By the time she got ready, he had become comfortable with the way things were. Admittedly, she was scared of marriage. The examples she saw growing up left her cynical and frustrated about marriage. Her parents divorced. Her grandparents divorced. Her aunts and uncles divorced. Now the cousins she grew up with are divorcing. Her boyfriend’s dad was a rolling stone. His grandfather was a rolling stone. His uncles are all rolling stones. Now, she’s paranoid about her boyfriend sleeping around town just like the other men in his family. With a track record like that, why would anyone believe in marriage?
When you look at your family history, what do you see? For some, their parents have been happily married for 40 or 50 years. They have positive stories and images to help guide them along the marriage journey. This is the case with me and my husband. His parents have been married for 42 years, and before my father passed, he and my mom were married for 43 years. This history of solid marriages on both sides of our families is a blessing for sure, although it doesn’t guarantee that our marriage will be the same. We still have to work at it.
For others, family marital history reveals a few more struggles. Divorce, single parent households, teenage pregnancies, and unhappy marriages can cause you to become cynical about love. Maybe you fall into this category, where your parents tried their best (or maybe they didn’t), but they could never get marriage to work out. Strong marriages are few and far between in your blood line. So, here you are. You know that’s not what you want for your life, but you are scared. You wonder: Is it too much to ask to fall in love, get married, and stay married. . .happily?
Actually, no. It’s not too much to ask. It can be done if you are determined to break the cycle.
Breaking the cycle requires the courage to change. You must be willing to change your environment. If you hang around failed marriages, people who cheat, wives who talk bad about their husbands, or husbands who don’t value their wives, that negativity will rub off on you. This goes for your relatives, too. If they don’t respect your desire for a strong marriage, or if they are content with repeating the family cycle, then you might have to change how you relate to them. You can love your family but dislike their ways. So spend time with them at family gatherings and love them as you should. Just make sure you are around other couples who are committed to marriage like you are.
Breaking the cycle requires positive messages. You can’t take in the same negative messages that you have heard for years: all men cheat; women are gold diggers; marriages don’t last; there’s no harm in a little something on the side; things get worse after the wedding; she’ll trap you into marriage; he’ll never commit. Messages like those are the reason websites like BlackandMarriedwithKids.com are so important. They counter the negative with the positive but don’t brush over the challenges that couples face. You have to set positive expectations for your marriage because, if all you know and believe about marriage is negative, then that’s what you will live out in your life.
Breaking the cycle requires faith. If God has put you together with someone, then you have to have faith that things will work out. You have to know deep in your heart that your love will stand the test of time. When struggles and setbacks happen, you have to have faith in the other person, faith in yourself, and faith in God that you will see better days. Married couples who truly love each other and have successful marriages on several levels say that faith is key. You can’t let doubt or fear keep you from trusting and from moving forward. There is no telling how wonderful or how successful your marriage can be when faith and love hold the two of you together.
Look back at your family history and consider whether or not you want to continue the cycle that you inherited or if you want to set a new standard for your marriage and for your children. If you have a positive family legacy with strong marriages, then count it a blessing and continue to build on the examples that your parents and grandparents left you. If your family legacy is not so positive in terms of marriage, then learn from the history so you don’t repeat it. Long-lasting, happy, and faithful marriages do exist. You can have one. You just have to be willing to put in the hard word to make it happen.
BMWK family, what do you see when you look at your family legacy of marriage? What have you learned (positive and negative) from your family history?
Latosha says
I wasn’t aware that my parents were living together as a couple and not in holy matrimony until I was 5 years old. To be honest at the age of 5 I did not fully understand what marriage was only that I had a mommy and daddy that loved me and my 2 year old sister and appeared to love one another until my dad got angry about something my mom did or didn’t do. My parents were married when I was 5 years old. I remember this very well because when my older cousin brought me home from sunday school my mom was dressed up and smiled and said that she got married today. I was confused because I thought if a man and woman lived in the same house and they had children that they were already married. I did notice that while I was in kindergarten and when I entered the first grade that my last name was not the same as my dad’s. My friends and their parents had the same last name. It wasn’t until I entered the second grade that my last name changed, mine and my younger sister. Then when my other sister was born she had my dad’s last name and later on my brother had my dad’s last name. I said all that to say that for years I did not understand why it was my parents chose to live together first and marry later on. I am glad that they did finally marry but it had been embarrassing to explain to my friends that I was born out of wedlock.
I got married at the age of 24 and our son was born 15 months later. I was proud that I married first before having children. My son had his dad’s last name and was conceived in holy matrimony. I was married to his dad for 10 years until we divorced. I had not plan to divorce him but he asked for one and so I just gave in. I wanted us to work it out but he had made up his mind that there was not a marriage anymore that we were just going through the motions. I was devestated and felt like I was dying inside. I learned a lot as I was going through so many changes and thought about how we started out right so what went wrong? My former husband came from a family of 10 children and his parents had been married for over 50 years and seemed to have a solid marriage and even his grand parents. My paternal grand parents were divorced and my maternal grand parents never married each other but had married other people. So I believe just as you have stated that each couple needs to have faith to work together in a marriage.
I am remarried and we do gather together in prayer and have received godly counsel and attend marriage retreats. I believe that we have a blessed marriage and are supportive of one another. I had some doubts marrying a man from another ethnic background but God has shown favor and we are grateful for that. It’s been almost 7 years now and we are growing as a couple. Thank you Dr. Michelle for sharing and ministering to my heart today and most of all for allowing me to share my thougts. Blessings!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
You are breaking the cycle Latosha. Wonderful! And ethnic background doesn’t have anything to do with love. Your past doesn’t define you or your future!!
TMichelleT says
This is, again, SO timely (Holy Spirit!). I was just listening to a group of sisters share all their examples of failed relationships and unhealthy relationships. Mothers, sisters, and themselves. Some had NEVER seen ONE healthy, lasting relationship anywhere in their families! There were SO many!!! How can we combat these negative images imprinted on our hearts/minds?!
1st we began to TALK about the positive ones. We have to KNOW that it IS possible, and not only possibly, but God’s desire for us. We spend so much time thinking on what is going wrong and feeding that fear that it will happen to us. (One dear sister is now in a wonderful relationship that she fears she will sabotage because she doesn’t know HOW to keep it flowing-just never seen it before). Find good, strong examples and TALK!!! As the song says “It’s no secret what God can do!”
2nd we started to SHARE our own little idiosynchrasies-our pet peeves, what makes us tick. We discovered that we ask a LOT of our friends and loved ones, and that they bear with us because they love us. We found that we aren’t perfect and should not have unreachable standards placed on every companion that comes into our lives. We just dug until we found what OUR issues were-and the roots of some of them. Some of us had totally UNREAL standards and would always fulfill our negative prophecies!
3rd we needed to (didn’t get to this most important step) IMAGINE the wonderful relationships God has in store for us. Yes-IMAGINE! If we don’t SEE it, it will never materialize. Now we know the REVERSE of this works every time -imagining that EVERY man is a dog, up to no good. Imagining the there are NO GOOD MEN out there! And “lo and behold”! He turns out to be a dog! EVERY time! That is beyond probability! Our faith has made it so! I’m not saying dream up a new Boo! (o: But I am saying we have to AT LEAST BELIEVE it is POSSIBLE or it will indeed be IMPOSSIBLE. Once we have a positive image in our minds (and positive AND realistic are one and the same), we can use these as a litmus test to compare-and possibly help keep us from falling into unhealthy patterns (e.g. in my positive image “He always respect me” so this disrespectful interaction I just experienced is a red flag! He is not the one!).
This war with high standards and a bleak physical outlook is the same mental/spiritual war we fight everyday. Am I being too picky? Is there anyone out there that even fits this description?! What does a healthy marriage even LOOK like?! The Holy Spirit is called the spirit of hope for a reason! Only through Him can we hang on to our hopes in the midst of seemingly poor odds. On our own-bleak, but our odds with God’s power are actually VERY good!
So many of my sisters tell me that my relationship with my husband is a great example to them that it IS possible. And I follow that up with–if He did it for me, and He is no respecter of persons, He can do it for you! Let’s talk about these good relationships and HOW God helps us make it work.
A sister created a Good Man Club (GMC) Facebook group and invited me…and I was absolutely BLOWN AWAY by the countless stories of great brothers out there, who God has shown HOW to LOVE! It literally brought tears to my eyes! There are SOOOO many it will bring joy to anyone who reads them! Women just bragging on God about the selfless and kind things their men do for them on a consistent basis! It is definitely not what we ever see on TV, the internet, or movies.
We have to see that the enemy only wants us to conjure up negative images of marriage and relationships. Satan only promotes women emasculating their men, or men abusing their women. The devil has launched such a successful negative propaganda campaign against marriage that you would be hard pressed to find ONE decent example anywhere in media! All the horrific images we DO see are forever branded in our minds and that is where the doubt and fear begin to germinate. “I’ll end up just like my Mama did!” “I don’t want to be like my Auntie!”-negative, negative, negative!!!
Sisters-let’s REVERSE this! Let’s SHARE the POSITIVE stories! God is making strong, happy marriages work RIGHT NOW, all around us! Let’s learn from each other and be that light that fosters hope in everyone who sees it. We don’t have to repeat the negative patterns we have seen. We can replicate the POSITIVE ones God has placed around us!
Thanks Dr. Johnson for this needed discussion! -didn’t mean to write a dissertation (o:
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
No problem sis. You said some good stuff. I love the “Imagine” section. You are correct. We have to be able to see it and then focus on the positive. My saying is: What you focus on multiplies.
Thanks so much.
Will Savage says
I LOVE this post! Definitely the TRUTH!!
Abi says
Wow Dr Michelle! I can’t not believe you write about this topic today. This morning I was just meditating on how to break the curse of divorce and failed relationships in my family line. I have a fear that is so embedded in me that I am scared to even start a relationship because I am so cynical about relationships. Don’t get me wrong, my heart’s desire is to one day find my soulmate and have a strong marriage and finally break the cycle but before all this can happen , I need to work on my fear and preconceived ideas. Maybe just maybe, I can open my heart to love again.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Abi,
Yes. . . get your heart right so you don’t attract the opposite of what you want.
Charly says
My story is a little different… While growing up, my parents were 1 of only a few married couples on the block, which sometimes led to awkward conversations with the children in the neighborhood who couldn’t say the same. They have now been married for 35 years and of course, it wasn’t without struggles and triumphs. In my family’s lineage, I have seen both sides of the spectrum: an aunt on my mother’s side who divorced and re-married twice, 2 uncles (1 is deceased) on my father’s side who are/were divorced, cousins who married for ALL of the wrong reasons versus my parent’s (35 years), my maternal uncle (37 years), 2 maternal aunts who were married 35+ years but are now widowed and so on…
For me, at 31 y.o. now, I’m looking forward to welcoming my king (no likely suitors as of today, though). During this time, I’m keeping myself focused on God, Grad school and self-improvement because I would LOVE to feel as if I’m (we’re) entering my (our) lifelong marriage commitment with an open heart AND something to bring to the table & that DOES NOT involve past, unresolved issues, which is why I make those hard decisions and continuously do internal inventories to remove bitter roots. I also maintain a healthy & realistic outlook on marriage and relationships. I know that canaries won’t be singing in our ears every morning and we won’t be “mushy in love” 24/7… I’m confident enough in my relationship with God to know that when my season comes, the pieces of our lives will fall into place as they should & NOT always as we would like for or expect them to and that with ANYTHING that is worth having, hard & consistent work HAS to be put in. Also, like with anything else in which I aim to succeed & as the article stated, I surround myself with like-minded people. I can’t hang with party girlfriends all of the time when I’m focused on keeping my home life stable & smooth-sailing… #that’s all ;o}
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
That’s beautiful Charly. Sounds like you have your priorities in order. Glad you aren’t sitting around with a “woe is me” attitude whining about being single. Live life!! You will be ready when the time comes.
Ronnie_BMWK says
Regardless of what you see around you ..you can have a happy marriage if you want it and are willing to work for it. I love this article.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
The power is in our hands. I agree. Thanks Ronnie.
SHERRELLCAMPBELL says
Thank You Dr Michelle, Im not married yet and have a very strong desire to be, i’ve seen failed marriages, or married couples living together but seperated or one person married multiple times and in seeing all that i STILL have hope and faith that one day i will be successfully and happily married with God being the foundation of it all….Thank You Abundant, THANK YOU!!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Hi Sherrell, Keep the hope and faith alive. With God as your foundation, you will be able to build a strong long lasting marriage.
Ashley Danielle Gilmore says
Love this!!! I shared it with my best friends to generate discussion. All, and I mean, all of our parents were either divorced or products of single parents. Thanks, Dr. Michelle!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Wow. I wish I could have been there to participate. Are you all optimistic?
Maureen Weekes says
Great article and just my thoughts. I am an author, speaker and coach amongst other things who more importantly is over 35. Why is this important and how does it relate? It’s important because I made a choice years ago after looking back at my family history and deciding I wanted to end the cycle, even if it meant a sacrifice. I am over 35 and single with no children, choosing to get married before starting a family. I agree with everything in your article and have decided, we can change, marriage full stop can happen in our family, and the women in our family, as strong and as beautiful as we/they all are do not have to always do it by themselves. Only God knows what the future holds, and sometimes it seems that positive messages are hard to come by but I seek them out and I’m certainly going to start my own marriage journey with the right fundamentals. Thank you Dr Johnson and thank you BMWK
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Thank you Maureen. Keep spreading the message. It will catch on one day.
Lawandaweldon says
Thank you so much Dr. Johnson! I am 54 days from getting married and have tried with every vein within me to avoid negativity. My parents are deceased and stayed married over 33 years until death did them apart. His parents are still married over 43 years. Fear has gripped me at times over distractions that could come between us. We have prayed over this and it has helped me to let go of that line of thinking. I so appreciate the affirmation.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Lawanda. Replace that fear with your faith. You have some good history to pull from. Keep seeing yourself 30 years from now vacationing with your hubby in an exotic location. You get what you expect! Many blessings. Be sure to post wedding pics or video on the Happily Ever After page.
Niambi says
Hello Dr. Michelle,
One book that has really helped me during this time as I try to gain a better understanding of relationships is Her Lady, Her Lover and Her Lord by Bishop T.D. Jakes. It is an awesome book that has changed my life. Bishop Jakes shares the importance of being a woman of God and strengthening my relationship with the Lord which is what i should focus on first. One of the biggest mistakes we often make in relationships is choosing someone that we didn’t let God choose for us. It is my understanding that as long as you keep your eyes on the Lord, you don’t have to seek after a person but rather it is God who will allow the right person to find us. An example of this is Ruth who was a virtuous woman who was found serving God. It was Boaz who sought her out and gave her favor while she worked in the fields and then he married her. And as for my brothers, God will guide you to the woman he has ordained to be your wife. I have come to the understanding now that is better to have a relationship that is rooted in God and blessed by him even if it comes with challenges then to just get with someone out of convenience or loneliness. This is the start of breaking the chain of unfruitful relationships. And it also takes will power, faith, being on one accord, praying and seeking out Godly counsel to assist in breaking the cycle. As for my family history, my parents weren’t married but I know that I am the generational curse breaker and it all stops with me! I made a commitment to God that as for me and my house we will serve the Lord. So despite my parent’s history and the fact that most people in my family are not married, I put my faith in the Lord that this will not continue with me and stand firm on believing that one day I will get married.
Liza Miller80 says
This spoke volumes to me!! I desire marriage but I desire someone who respects God’s process & the union. I believe God has His perfect match for me. My parents divorced and it was tumultuous. I swore for a while that my future marriage would have to fix theirs. I now know that I can only move forward. I’ve learned that when a person believes in who God blessed them with that at times, faith will be the glue to holdfast!
Superwife says
I find it interesting that we hold only ourselves accountable for how some things turn out (college education) and hold others jointly accountable for others (whether we have the capacity to have a fulfilling marriage)..why? Why do we fail to acknowledge that being a single parent is not anything except single parenting…its not a negative or a positive unless you want it to be (think widowed men and women who raise their kids alone – still single parents, right?) But when it comes to marriage and relationships – why can we not see that we create our own destiny. My parents had a lousy marriage – lasted nearly 30 years…a big mess. Never, not once, did I ever give up hope that I could have a good marriage. I needed to learn how to have good relationships first – but I never doubted that both (a good relationship and a good marriage) were possible, and both were up to me – not my heritage. WE are responsible for the lives we create – not our family history.
Shanetta says
My experience is different. My mom is divorced but her and my stepdad have the marriage that I want for myself. I know the divorce rate is high but I think a quality marriage is most important. When it comes to me and my husband of 2 years they cheer “us” on. Never once have they tried to separate us. If we have a problem and they sense it, they talk to both of us if we “want” to. However, they’ve only been married 20 years. Now hubby’s family has the 30+ year marriages. However, I see the things I don’t want. The husbands in the relationship barely come home. Most of the men have several children outside of their marriage that vary in age. So it’s obvious that their isn’t quality in marriage. Although everyone wants a lasting marriage, who wants a lifetime of misery or barely getting by. I will never forget when my husbands grandfather passed. It was the first time I witnessed how dysfunctional things were. Many of the husbands/wives/uncles/aunts who married into the family were no where around during this time of grief. I thought your spouse is supposed to be your support system in times of trouble. My husband’s stepfather didn’t even come home the whole week we were there. That I was more shocked about than anything. I don’t know how I would feel if my father died and my husband wasn’t there to support me emotionally. So in my marriage I want to continue the cycle that I see with my parents although they are divorced and not continue the cycle I see with my husband’s family. I don’t see how staying together 30, 40, or 50 years means anything if you are just roommates.
montia mccain says
I have a question. When it comes to associating oneself with positive people that have positive things to say about marriage, what do you do when the negative person is your mother? I love my mother. I love that she is funny and we can have a really good time together. I respect her too, especially since my father left and she was strong enough to keep our family together at such an important time in our lives (we were teenagers). My parents were married for over 20 years. My father passed away two years ago and my mother is still very bitter about their divorce but admits to still loving him deeply even after he remarried (the woman he left my mother for). But since I’ve been married or even since my sister and I have been old enough to date, my mother is very negative about men and relationships. She has even implied several times to me about my marriage failing and that “men can’t be faithful” and all kinds of things like that. I can’t help but think that my mother does not want to see my marriage last, so how do I get around this negativity?