by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
Our relationships are mirrors of how we see ourselves. The insecurities, the doubt, and the lack of self love all play out in the partnerships we create. Their existence is based on our self beliefs. We expect to be treated a certain way based on the views we hold of ourselves. Sometimes it’s positive and sometimes it’s negative. Some of us nag our spouses about cheating, even when they haven’t, because we expect it. We think it’s what we deserve. Others of us are jealous of our mate’s past loves because we doubt our own ability to keep our spouse interested. And then there are those of us that are waiting for our relationships to crumble because we expect not to have a happy ending.
A lot of our expectations come from what has already happened to us. We feel that because it happened once or even twice this is our ultimate fate. We ask what is wrong with us or even what is right with us that we should be happy. I just had this conversation with a friend. She’s wondering if her relationship will work out and she’s scared that it won’t. My advice to her was simply to stop worrying; be confident in her relationship. I recommended she continue to love, enjoy and just be. None of us can control what happens in the future. But I know her fear comes from her past. She expects this guy to be that guy. She’s come to the conclusion that guys hurt her. That it’s something about her that results in her ending up alone. While it’s not necessarily all her, I will admit, it is her choices. But those choices are based on how she views herself. In the past she hadn’t been firm in what she wanted. She sometimes stays too long in a relationship that she knows doesn’t fulfill her needs. And often, because she is tired of starting over in a relationship, she will take any and everything from the guy she’s dating.
So, to those committed and those who are still looking I am speaking directly to you. Be confident in what you have. Here’s how:
If you are married or in a serious relationship:
- Love, love, love yourself
- Stop worrying about the future and enjoy the present
- Trust. If your mate has never given you reason not to trust, then trust
- Nurture your relationship. Don’t half do it, give it your all
- Expect a happy ending
If you are single or dating:
- Love, love, love yourself
- Get to know you, what you like, what you don’t and what you really want
- Start doing, you don’t have to be in a relationship to start taking pleasure in this life. Movies, dinner, concerts and everything in-between doesn’t have to be put on hold until you find the “one”
- Be confident in all the great things you have to offer and don’t settle for anyone offering less
- Expect a happy ending
Are you confident in what you have? Do you have any other tips to add to the list?
By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
Yes, Yes, Yes!!! Great article. So much truth in it:-)
Love it!!!!
Thank you!!
Great article but I think it would help it people was given the 101 on how to love themselves, nurture their relationships, and being in the moment. It sounds so simple but if you are use to doing things a certain way you may no know how to do it differently. I have seen that in so many situations.
Ahh, the beauty and peace that comes with living fiercely in the present. Let Tomorrow worry about itself and let the Past be the Past. Easier said than done, but aren’t all paths that lead to peace and joy?
Thank you. Dee, you are absolutely correct. Many of us must be taught how to love ourselves. Sometimes certain habits are hard to break. The first step is being ready to change, ready to love yourself. Coming to the conclusion and admitting that the way we’ve been and what’ve been doing just isn’t working or adding to our lives. Once we decide that we are truly ready, we have to start incorporating into our lives activities, ideals and people that are best for us. Surrounding ourselves with people who truly love us and have at our best interest in mind. Adding more of the things we enjoy into our day to day activity. It’s somewhat like taking a small retreat just for ourselves. Using this time to focus on us, not just what’s best for us, but what is also best about us and uncovering more of that.
This is awesome! My issue isn’t so much worrying about tomorrow, but pointing fingers from the past. I’ve had to learn that it’s dead…in the tomb. I’m determined to seize and squeeze the most godliness and joy out of each day and make each moment monumental. I tried it the other way…it didn’t work too well for me. LOL
Mr. Payne,
While I totally agree about letting the past be the past, my personal struggle is trying to forget the past when it keeps occuring. My own frustrations are starting to annoy me, so I can just imagine how my husband feels. But I digress, true…easier said then done; I just want to genuinely learn how…
Mr. Payne,
While I totally agree about letting the past be the past, my personal struggle is trying to forget the past when it keeps occuring. My own frustrations are starting to annoy me, so I can just imagine how my husband feels. But I digress, true…easier said then done; I just want to genuinely learn how…
I wish I had the answer to that for you. I know God casts all former offenses into the sea of forgetfulness. And time does help. Have you tried to search out the source for why things keep repeating themselves? Maybe if you can find the source you can seek some sort of guidance in getting through that unresolved point.
Hmmm pointing fingers…don’t I know about that. But, in that moment it’s “not” pointing fingers, it’s “bringing out the truth” *evil grin*. I swear, we get in some of the most complicated discussions/arguements because we both think we are so smart, and we are…but it’s killing the intimacy. I sometimes dread striking up casual convo because I know I’m going to be offended or annoyed at some point…so I try to avoid it. I know…sad.
I just erased a seriously unneccesary rant lol. Anyway, thanks for responding….I know the source – different familial unbringings. Nothing else can be done but try to worth together 🙂
Girl, I’m reading a book now (10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage by John and Julie Gottman) that has all these GREAT exercises in it for different problems a marriage faces. To combat what you’re dealing with, these two marriage and family therapists suggest the following:
1. Tell each other what you want rather than what you don’t want in communication.
2. Respond to your spouse’s requests with open ended questions.
3. Express appreciation for your spouse.
They stated that the two antidotes to the contempt you described are FONDNESS and APPRECIATION. You already stated one thing about the hubster that you admire: how smart he is. Tell him how much you appreciate his intellect!
If that doesn’t work, they suggested the following exercise: I’m going to list all the adjectives below that they provided (you can add your own as well). They said to circle only three, then sit down with your spouse and tell them about a specific example of how you admired or were fond of them characterizing that adjective (I’m going to list them in another comment)
Hope this helps! It’s right along the lines of what Tiya was talking about in appreciating what we have. Appreciate the things about your spouse that you’re attracted to, and I’m sure you’ll begin to take on a different mindset regarding how you view him.
Loving Funny Vulnerable Lusty Sensitive Considerate Committed Witty Brave Affectionate Involved Relaxed Intelligent Organized Expressive Beautiful Thoughtful Resourceful Active Handsome Generous Athletic Careful Rich Loyal Cheerful Reserved Calm Truthful Coordinated Adventurous Lively Strong Graceful Receptive A great partner Energetic Elegant Reliable A great parent Sexy Gracious Responsible Assertive Decisive Playful Dependable Protective Creative Caring Nurturing Sweet Imaginative A great friend Warm Tender Fun Exciting Virile Powerful Attractive Thrifty Kind Flexible Interesting Full of plans Gentle Understanding Practical Supportive Shy Silly
If more than three characterize your spouse, save them for another time. But appreciate the person YOU CHOSE to marry! Harp on their strengths, not their shortcomings. That’s what I’ve been attempting to do lately, and it’s really made a difference in my mindset!
@Tiya – #2 on the “Dating/Single” list can still apply to married folk as well I feel; especially those of us marrying “young”. I consider myself in that young category. I’m 25, married, no children but still in school…yet now I’m actively exploring me with open eyes and genuine understanding. I’m not the 19yr old girl that met him, and I have different expectations, views, desires, etc. 6yrs later. It’s important we take self-inventory periodically because if we don’t understand ourselves, how can we expect our partners to?
*e-hug* I love this. SO….do I fit this into normal convo (my likes), or intentionally sit him down and say, ” I though it was very creative…blah, blah, blah).
I love this list. I’m going to read it often to remind myself of all the ways he fits into these categories
YES. LOL
Seriously, this exercise is designed to be very intentional and separate from normal conversation. BUT, in my mind, you would do well to also consistently think about the things you admire about him and tell him about them often because what husband doesn’t want his wife’s admiration. IMO, that puts MAD deposits into his emotional bank account, thus making him more apt to want to engage in meaningful, intimate conversation with you.
Tiya, this was a great article and I’m so glad you offered tips for single people as well!
This was really great Tiya. Thank you!
I have a problem with Trusting my husband…… He has roaming eyes (Ie; looks at other women), how can I get pass this even when I told him that it bothers me.. he denies doing it and then he says he doesn’t do it as much and then now he is just plain defensive and says I’m judging him but I tell him it is just about the respect and I am basing our relationship on that problem he has… how can I separate myself from this, it is overtaking me now… I’ve never ever been this insecure before with a man but now I am insecure and is losing myself more and more….any advise Tiya?
Harriet, I love that exercise! Thank you for sharing.
@Jonesi, I agree, married couples can still benefit from #2 on the single list as well.
Thank you Yolonda and Wendy. Wendy, I recommend going a step further when you share with him that it bothers you, by being specific. Stating what about that action actually bothers you. For example as you stated it makes you feel insecure, have you shared that with him? And any other feelings you may be having as a result. It is helpful when the spouse can hear the actual effects their actions are having instead of just the usual “I don’t like when you do this or that”. Also, even if he continues to deny it, just share that, that is the perception you have and mention what specifically you have seen to make you feel that way. And whether he eventually admits to it or not, (as he may not see this as that big of a deal) just make sure you are clear and detailed in expressing how you feel. Also, share with him what you need for him to make you feel like he still has eyes for you and you only
wow girl I have the same issue going on. I think he is just a starer though, women, men, children, people, the good, the bad, and the uugly !
A great read!