Alright fellas, you knew I had your back right? And ladies when we did the 10 steps to being a better husband I heard all of those Amens coming from the choir. Now it’s (singing MJ) time for you to start with the man.. woops woman in the mirror. Here is 1-5 from MSN.com, my mouth is watering already:
1) Take care of yourself
Turns out that the best thing you can do for your husband is also good for you. Eat healthy foods, maintain good grooming, and exercise regularly. You’ll look and feel better, and you’ll continue to be the vibrant and attractive woman he fell in love with, no matter your age.
2) Say thank you, often
When researchers ask men what they want from their wives, appreciation always makes the list. Everyone likes to be appreciated, so remember to notice the things your husband does—for you, for the kids, for the house—and thank him. You’ll put a smile on his face and a little joy in his heart.
3) Keep the romance alive
When was the last time you planned a romantic interlude with your husband? If you can’t remember, you’re way overdue. Be affectionate, write love notes, give him a backrub, plan a date, and initiate sexual play. Remind him that you still find him attractive.
4) Let him have “guy time”
Everyone needs time for themselves—to relax, enjoy a hobby, or socialize with friends. If your husband loves football and you don’t, don’t bug him about it. Encourage him to cultivate friendships with other men. He’ll enjoy the companionship. Studies show that people with friends tend to live longer, healthier lives.
5) Make your husband a priority
With the everyday stresses of work, home, and kids, it’s easy to take your husband for granted. Make time for the two of you to reconnect on a regular basis. Take an interest in his work and hobbies. Let him know he’s important to you
BMWK family you know the drill. Is it true? Is this good stuff? Sure looks good to me. Drop us a line and let us know what you think about it.
We got this story into us on how this couple met and wanted to share it with you. Divine intervention perhaps? Read the story and our interview that follows with this month’s spotlight couple Lonnie and K. Danielle Edwards:
We have been married for nearly five years; this is the second time around for us, having gotten married immediately after I graduated from college and divorcing less than a year later. We are parts right brain and left brain; I am the more creative one, as a writer and poet, who works by day in corporate communications and moonlights as a graduate student and freelancer. He is a tech-head, working as a network engineer and moonlighting as Mr. Fix It, as he singlehandedly works on remodeling our home.
We are self-professed soul mates. Back when we first met in college, he had been looking for me for months - attending various clubs, churches, grocery stores, etc. - after having seen me briefly in the Records Office at Tennessee State University. Well, one day I was walking to class in the heat of summer, when I entered the building where my class was being held. I was stopped by an elder black woman, donning a heavy black coat (mind you, in the blistering heat of summer). She said, “Stop. Someone is running after you.” I turned around and saw the man who is now the love of my life. When I turned to see the mysterious woman in the black coat in 80+ degree weather, she was gone, as if she had never been there. In retrospect, we both think she was sent from the Divine, specifically at that time to make our introduction.
We have two daughters, ages almost 4 and seven months. We have been through so much - toxic in-laws (his parents), reconciliation and remarriage and living as an anomaly, in a nation where 70 percent of black kids are born outside of marriage and we’re among the few black married couples with kids we know.
Interview:
BMWK: Lonnie what was it that had you looking around town for K. Danielle?
Lonnie: Well, intially when I first saw her in the admissions office at Tennessee State University in the winter of 1998, it was like a flashback to a dream I had years prior of a woman who was said to be my wife in my dream, with long locks and a lighter complexion, but her face was blurred. No matter how much I tried to look at her face in my dream, there was this bright light blocking it. It was as thought I wasn’t meant to see it.
I immediately knew she was supposed to be my wife when I saw her. It was like divine intervention. God spoke to me.
BMWK: K. Danielle when you first learned that he had been looking for you what was your first impression?
K. Danielle: The average person might assume I didn’t believe him, but I did. He seemed sincere, and his words did not have the pretense of a pick-up line or come on. His description of everything he had done - all the places he had gone and all the people he had asked about me - was too detailed to be a stunt. The fact that standing before me was this guy who was my physical ideal - dark, tall, muscular with locks - did not hurt either.
BMWK: How do you currently deal with inlaws or friends that don’t benefit or support the marriage?
K. Danielle: We don’t. We haven’t communicated with his parents since I was five months pregnant with our first daughter, and that was more than four years ago. I must say that I occassionally think about them from the point of view of how my children will deal with not knowing or meeting their paternal grandparents, or their paternal aunts and uncle. Then I realize that I, too, didn’t experience similar relationships in my own childhood with certain relations, though not due to such negative circumstances, and in retrospect don’t feel deprived or shortchanged in any way. If anything, considering the reality and facts of the situation, the current dilemma protects my children from an unhealthy dynamic and enables me to surround them with loving, contaminant-free relatives. I was once full of anger, then I was preoccupied. Over time, I have grown indifferent and completely forgive them, though I cannot foresee them ever having a place in my life.
Lonnie: The issue lies with my immediate family. I take the higher road, which is the spiritual one - meaning that I have my own family now, so I no longer cleave to my mother, like so many grown men do. I have my own household, and that’s who I take care of, rather than family who have let me down. I love them but do not care to ever speak to them again.
BMWK: You sound like two totally different people, do you think the old saying is true that opposites attract and do you think this brings more to your relationship?
K. Danielle: I view myself as the creative counterpart in the relationship and him as the pragmatic, utility-minded individual. I write poems and short stories and read literature; he can remodel houses and build computers. On the other hand, I am a methodical planner - a type A person - consistently thinking about what I will be doing - or need to do - next week, next month, next year, in five years, in three decades … so he helps me stay grounded and enjoy the moments that I might otherwise miss entirely.
Lonnie: I don’t agree with the statement that opposites attract in general, but with us it is quite helpful in our relationship. Case in point, she grew up in somewhat of a white collar neighborhood and household, whereas I grew up in a blue collar one. I learned to do home and automotive repairs based on necessity to basically survive. She would be more inclined to call and hire someone to perform such work. That is just one example of the differences and how they function in our marriage.
BMWK: After going through your marriage for a second time what advice would you offer to couples just starting out or to our single readers?
K. Danielle: Communication, discipline, focus and broad-mindedness, with an eye on the future, are key. So is dedication and maturity, which enables individuals to do something I feel is critical in maintaining a positive marriage: Accepting and possibly internalizing advice only from individuals who are in stable, long-term, happy and fulfilling marriages. So often, younger married people too seriously regard the largely baseless (at least, experientially) input from friends who have never been married or had a solid, long-term relationship. While I might find the advice of my never-married or childless friends interesting, provocative or even entertaining, I find it difficult in many cases to apply their opinions on relationship issues to the much more complicated matters that are integral to the daily and long-term issues of a marriage. I believe finding other married couples who share your values is vital. We are still navigating that trajectory; as a married black couple with children in this age, we certainly feel like a minority. It’s not cool to be us. We are like aliens. We are the anti-statistic. No one is making movies about us. We are like the image in Spike Lee’s Bamboozled of the black family missing in action, a relic of a seemingly mythic past.
Lonnie: Understand that marriage is a career, meaning it’s more than just a second job. You have to look at it the same way as you do with your professional career. You can’t treat it like it’s a lackluster job that you feel you can leave and easily replace with another. You have to work at it and practice - daily.
BMWK: Thank you both for sharing your time and your story with the Black and Married With Kids family!
If you or someone you know would like to be featured as our couple of the month send us an email with your story to: info@blackandmarriedwithkids.com.
Today we have a guest post by the AverageBro of www.averagebro.com. You’ve heard me talk about him before and even seen his work here a few weeks back so sit back and enjoy as he drops science on today’s young boys.
As ya’ll know, AverageBro Loves Da’ Kids. My site’s ulterior motive is to convince you guys to Take The AverageBro Challenge and spend an occasional Saturday morning with an impressionable Black youth. I talked hella greasy about Atlanta rapper TI for trying to knock off his community service by speaking to Atlanta-area teens last month. But reality is if more black folks who’ve “made it” took a moment to help others out, there would be no such need. Basically, if you’re not doing anything to prevent the next Latarian Milton, Genarlow Wilson, or Bryant Purvis, you shouldn’t say jack when the inevitable happens.
Stepping off my high horse, I witnessed something truly odd today when I went to the mall to grab some Mother’s Day gifts. As I was getting out of my car, a gold sedan packed four-deep with young black teens pulled up in the spot adjacent to me. The dudes were typical suburban wannabe thugs. Oversized cubic zirconia earrings. Pinwheel New Era caps. Those stupid lookin’ skater hoodies. This in and of itself is nothing notable, but what really hit me was the music they had blaring at 120 decibels from their stereo.
Deez bamas were riding four deep in the burbs, blastin’ Moments In Love by Art of Noise.
If you don’t know this song, just listen and you’ll get my point.
All together now… “Ewwwww!!!”.
Anyways, as I walked away shaking my head, it suddenly occurred to me just why male mentors are so important. Young dudes of Generation Xbox are more likely than any other to have not grown up with a father, uncle, grandpa, or some man in their lives to tell them it is emphatically not gangsta to roll four deep, or even two deep, blasting quiet storm-type slow jams with your boys. Call me old, homophobic, sexist, or whatever ist/ic you’d like, but that idd’ish was just wrong.
Since I can’t personally be a mentor to all youngins, I figured I’d throw together a list of avuncular advice for this latest generation of young bucks who don’t know no better. If you know a black male 21 and Under, feel free to cut and paste this post and send it to them. Since they probably won’t bother reading it, title the email “Melyssa Ford Topless Photos” or some such nonsense to trick em’. While I thought that Budweiser campaign was jive silly, I have to liberally jack the concept to help steer our young black men from the path to prison and general mediocrity.
So in that spirit, here’s a few more of AverageBro.com’s New “Man-Laws” For Young Black Males.
1) MySpace Rapper Is Not a Legitimate Career Option - The problem with rap music nowadays is too many damn rappers and not enough fans. Watch 106th and Park, cruise the comments section at XXL, or just drive around your nearest hood and peep the scrum stapled to every telephone pole. You’ll see plenty evidence that MySpace Rapper is the new ghetto dream/hood come-up. The problem is, most of these rappers suck, and none of these dudes trying to rap have apparently noticed that music period, not just rap music, isn’t even selling anymore! You’d be better off goin’ to trade school, getting that GED, or just goin’ back to hustlin’ than you would trying to “get your label off the ground”. There’s only one Jay-Z for a reason. And guess what? You ain’t him! Stay in school, fool.
2) Bright Colors Are Not Your Friend - This trend is thankfully jumping the shark as I type this, but what the hell ever happened to wearing earth tones, or just plain black? Bamas will rock pastel polos, Crayola-inspired sneakers, and those stupid lookin’ multicolored pinwheel baseball caps like they’re 3rd graders. Enough already.
3) Be Nice To Johnny Law - My Pops taught me a very basic rule for dealing with the cops: Don’t! 99% of the time, if you’re not doing anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about. So when a cop pulls you over, comply. Don’t act a damn fool and end up in a pine box. Yes, there are some egregious examples of cops who blatantly abuse their power, but far more often, the catalyst for an ass whoppin’ is some Negro who just didn’t know when to shut up. Do what they ask you to do, take down badge numbers and names, and live to tell your lawyer about it the next day.
4) ‘Shawty’ Is Not A Term of Endearment - Learn how to treat and talk to women. One benefit of youth is having the room to experiment and figure out what you like about the opposite sex without tangible commitments (ie: a ring and kids). So, by all means enjoy yourselves. But no woman likes to be catcalled and shouted at. “Ay Ma!”, “S’up Shaaawwtaaay!”, and “C’mere Girl!” are not proper ways of attracting young ladies. Learn how to simply smile, say “Hello”, and introduce yourself. And if the girl isn’t interested, no need to insult her by hurling an “Eff’ You Beeyotch!” as she walks away. Just pick up your dignity and keep on’ fishin’.
5) Enunciation Is A Beautiful Thang - My Pops also taught me the importance of how to speak to grown-ups in a way that commands respect. Speak loudly, clearly, enunciate, and use direct eye contact if you want to be taken seriously. Don’t show up for your job interview wearing aviator shades and mumbling to the floor like one enterprising young brother I observed at an H&M store in Philly last Summer. Discover the joys of code-switching, and learn the appropriate places and times for using words like “jawn”, “young”, and “tight”. Eliminate the word “conversate” from your vocab altogether. If you’re vexed, peep my epic The AverageBro Broken English Hall of Shame post, and it’s accompanying comments for further guidance.
6) Pull Up Your Damn Pants - We already talked about the whole bright colors thing. But hues aside, make sure you’re putting your best foot forward when the occasion deems to necessary. All pencil jeans should be burned immediately. Ditto for those skater hoodies. Pull up your damn pants. Liberace wore themed belt buckes. If you don’t know who he is, Google him, then trash yours. And while I’m all for accessorizing, there is no rational explanation for wearing Air Jordans, a black and white pinwheel cap, aviator sunglasses, and carrying a walking cane when you’re wearing a black suit… at a funeral. Exercise some common sense and dress according to your environment. And oh yeah, no more pencil jeans.
7) Leave An Open Seat - This is closely related to the No Slow Jams rule. If you’re at the movies and there’s enough space, for the love of all things precious, leave an empty seat between you and your boys! You are not on a date, you are watching a movie with friends, so space it out. You can communicate with each other just fine when separated by an empty seat, and who knows, if you’re lucky, a nice young lady might want that seat. And you won’t even have to call her “shawty” either.
Blunts Are Not A Nutritional Supplement - Your body is your temple; not an ashtray for roaches. Two Strawberry Swishers (or Phillies, whatever floats your proverbial boat) do not equal a serving of fruits and veggies. Recreational drug habits make it difficult to hold down a real job, rob you of pocket change, and permanently char your lips. If you’ve really gotta do this though, at least have the decency to partake in the sanctity of your Mama’s basement, not while driving your Mama’s car down Georgia Ave in mid-day.
9) Enough With The Feminine Grooming Habits - I’m a Kappa Man, so I understand the importance of looking good. That said, some of these young dudes nowadays are taking the whole Omarion/Ne-Yo I’m-So-Hood’ metrosexual thing a bit too far. Baby hair is for babies. You shouldn’t be using your little sister’s makeup pencil to draw imaginary hair anywhere on your person. And if you’ve actually arched your eyebrows, or even remotely considered arching your eyebrows, just go ahead and stick your head in an oven right now. Life isn’t getting any easier.
10) Read A G.D. Book - This isn’t strictly a young black male phenomenon by any means, but let’s break this habit while we’re still young. Every time I go to the barbershop, I hear all sorts of misinformation floating around. “Obama’s a Muslim.” “Ciara’s a hermaphrodite.” “The reparations checks are in the mail.” “Tupac is secretly living in Brazil.” “John McCain is bringing SlaveryBack… yep.” All untrue, and all easily refutable if you’d read something other than King Magazine and the Post sports section. Man Up! and get yourself a library card. Smart is the new cool, fool.
Again, feel free to disagree and flame me in the comments. If you’re on board, add your additions below. But whatever you do, don’t ignore the message because you dislike the messenger. Either way, Take The AverageBro Challenge to help save our young black boys and girls[6] from a future of Flavor of Love casting calls, HPV, and commissary deposits. And if you can’t do that, at least forward this post to your nephews. P.S.: don’t forget the “Melyssa Ford Topless Photos” subject line.
Because we go to do better than those damn pencil legged jeans.
The picture above is of Scott, the newspaper reporter from HBO’s “The Wire” that was willing to kick it up a notch to give his story that extra umph! Misleading readers and misrepresenting people he wrote about were the least of his concerns.
I bring that up because I got an email today from one of my blogging buddies Natalie from across the pond in the UK. Our regular readers will remember her from a guest post she did a few weeks back that many enjoyed called: Black, British and Probably Crazy. It seems that after speaking with Natalie the Daily Mail didn’t get the story they wanted so they made the story they wanted. Even though she told the journalist that she did not make the blog for revenge, and she didn’t want to be in an article that suggested that, they constructed a story that included 26 inaccuracies believe it or not (they streched a 14 month engagement into a 5 year one, claimed the blog was set up for the purpose of revenge which was untrue and accused her of cyberbitching) and twisted her personal blog that me and TheMom read regulary into an online journal seething with revenge towards an ex in an article titled “Don’t Get Mad, Get E-venge”. Even more suspicious is that in no point during the article which she’s featured heavily do they link to or even name her site which is highly irregular when someone writes up a story on a website. But I guess you don’t want people finding out that what you wrote was incorrect so you don’t provide the evidence. Check out here what Natalie had to say about the whole deal.
You can check out the article here and leave a comment letting them know we’re not having it but be warned that Natalie told me several of her supporters left comments but they have not been posted. I left mine a little while back letting them no they need to retract that article and we’ll see if that gets put up or not.
Please check out the links above and show some support. The days of thinking you can marginalize people in general, and black people in particular are over due to the internet and the strength of the black blogosphere. I encourage other bloggers to link to this post or directly to Natalie’s to share this with your readers and to take it as a lesson about dealing with the media as it concerns your work on the web.
Here are the last 5 steps to the piece I posted yesterday from msn:
6) Make time for just the two of you.
Take her on a date once a month. Surprise her by arranging child care, ordering a pizza for the kids, and getting a sitter. She will be so thrilled at your ability to take care of the details that reservations at the best restaurant in town aren’t even necessary. The fact that you love her enough to do this would make a Big Mac taste like cracked crab. We try to do this as much as possible. With the rack of kids getting a babysitter becomes a little tougher especially with a real genuine baby in tow but we try to make it happen.
7) Groom yourself.
Don’t embarrass her when you venture out of the house. Check the ears, nose, neck and yes, feet for hair or other growths that shouldn’t be there. She not only wants you to impress her friends by how you act, but also by how you look.
Get away from the family.
Yep, you’re getting a free pass. This takes a left turn from the others, but it’s essential. Get away from all your responsibilities and go camping or on a golf outing with the guys. You’ll laugh, relax, and recharge your batteries. And all three will make you a much better husband when you return. I’m down for this one LOL
9) Deal with your side of the family.
Help your wife set expectations with your side of the family when it comes to making plans. Don’t make her inform your parents that they won’t be seeing their grandkids on Christmas this year—pick up the phone and do it yourself. Dealing with extended family can be a huge stress throughout the year, and you don’t want the burden to fall entirely on her.
10) Don’t lose your dating manners.
Remember, she’s your wife, not one of your buddies. Don’t burp during dinner, or squeeze one out during the movie as she’s reaching for the popcorn. You wouldn’t have done that while you were dating, and you shouldn’t do it now. Continue to try and impress her. Do everything you can to keep the fire alive, and fight the urge to let the passion die. Find the new, hot place to eat or take her to see a cool band that’s in town. Have fun, laugh, and make sure you tell her how great she looks. I think everyone slips a little bit during time but I’d think we both make an effort towards this.
BMWK family, you’ve seen the entire list. Now what do you think, good stuff or Pure D Garbage. Just something to fill the page or words to live by? Do you have a better list or something that didn’t make it?
Blunts Are Not A Nutritional Supplement - Your body is your temple; not an ashtray for roaches. Two Strawberry Swishers (or Phillies, whatever floats your proverbial boat) do not equal a serving of fruits and veggies. Recreational drug habits make it difficult to hold down a real job, rob you of pocket change, and permanently char your lips. If you’ve really gotta do this though, at least have the decency to partake in the sanctity of your Mama’s basement, not while driving your Mama’s car down Georgia Ave in mid-day.
