When we met, I was about 40-50 lbs lighter, a lot younger, carefree and spontaneous. Of course life has taken over and I am no longer that particular weight. I am older, a little more settled and the spontaneity is much less frequent. But even with those changes I know what sparked his initial interest will be some of the same things that keep it. After nearly 14 years of marriage I still put forth the extra effort to look good for my husband.
I don’t believe in relaxing (too much) as it relates to my marriage. So in addition to the amount of energy I contribute, it is a must I maintain my appearance. I am confident that my husband will still love me, but I want him to continue to desire me and be turned on by me. I will admit somewhere in our marriage I had begun to relax and my husband called me out on it. I was heading to bed with my head scarf, the printed comfy 2 piece pants pajamas and my thick socks and my husband said “Where are you going, Moms Mabley?”
Now I have nothing against Moms Mabley, I just don’t want my husband to have that image in his head when I come to bed. I appreciated his honesty and quickly took action. Now I’m not perfect, so Moms Mabley has resurfaced a time or two. But overall, I know what I want for my marriage and I am aware of what it takes to keep the physical attraction front and center.
It helps when my husband contributes to making me feel sexy and desired too. But I have to give him something to work with. One of the things I love is the sound effect he makes when I walk pass. I usually hear “Mmm hmmm,” which gives me great satisfaction. After children and weight gain, sometimes I don’t feel as sexy as I used to, but I am thankful my husband knows how to build me up. Even though he does his part, it is a must I do my part. Below is some of what I typically do.
I usually like to add a little extra to what I do. If I am walking by, an extra swish of the hips or an extra bend here or there always gets his attention.
After my workday has ended and I wait to meet my husband for our commute together, I usually reapply my lipstick ensuring it looks fresh just for him. I recall a co-worker asking why I would get all dolled up after work and I simply explained I liked to look good for my man.
As a result of the Moms Mabley comment, my new goal has become going to bed looking like I care. So while it may not be a lingerie night every night, I can still look desirable.
Another thing for me is to look extra sexy on date night. I frequently recall the start of our relationship and the dates we shared in the beginning, before we were married. Because I was trying to gain his long term interest, I went that extra mile in preparing myself for our outings. I still use that same mindset today.
I do all of this because there was an initial physical attraction when my husband and I met. I keep it in mind because I don’t ever want my marriage to lose that. I would like him to find me just as attractive as he did when he approached me all those years ago.
BMWK, what are some of things you do to keep the attraction in your marriage alive?
Awesome article! I’m taking notes 😉
Thanks Ericka!
Great article, for a single woman waiting on God, definitely making mental notes!
Thank you Glory and God will deliver.
I agree I make sure I look good everyday before I leave and when I return back home. I wear my makeup until its time for me to turn in for the nigt. If I’m off I make sure to shower spray and put on something nice when cooking. We have to because men are visual and like to see something nice.
That’s right, and it makes us feel good too.
Let me give a mans point of view on this subject as it seems like a chapter stolen from my life my wife has gained about 40lbs since we got married 20yrs ago but I still think she is fine but she has not dressed sexy(lingerie) for me in over 3 years.She complains about our sex life or lack there of and blames me.I am confused I am romantic,buy her sexy clothes, and compliment her she says that I should initiate sex despite her not going that extra mile to try and be sexy every now and then and don’t get me wrong I don’t expect her to come to bed everynight in sexy clothes but every now and then even once a week would be nice ladies am I wrong?
Dee, you are not wrong. I think your initiating will make her feel sexy. And if she feels sexy, she will more energy into looking that way more often
I use the same tactics. My husband and I have been together for almost 16 years. I like to keep his attention, so I get my hair and nails done frequently just like did when we were dating. Unfortunately, after 4 kids, my body has expanded but who said big girls can’t have fun.. I find sexy clothing that fits my body size and he loves it…. It feels great to still be wanted so I go the extra mile to make sure he wants me…
I am recently engaged and this article is very helpful!
http://www.style4curves.blogspot.com
Thank you, I am glad to hear that.
I like this, I was talking with a friend about how when get dressed up to go somewhere but walk around the house looking crazy.
Exactly, we just too comfortable sometimes.
I believe it should go both ways. If I am looking good for you, you need to be looking good for me as well.
Agreed
Always the woman’s job to keep it going …he doesn’t look or fill or smell the same as he did when we initially met….Ugh…I am so sick of articles like this….If I didn’t tie my hair up when I m=wen to bed I would not be properly taking care of it…not to mention I would look crazy when I got up in the morning. etc….. UGH!!
Um, I feel you. I like the article, but it does frequemtly feel like it’s the womans job to maintain things in the marriage. I love my husband, but he is not in the same condition that he was in when I met him 17 years ago….not by far. Neither am I, but some how I am the only one in the relationship who feels any sort of pressure to look good for the other one. He complains that I don’t wear the sexy lingerie to bed, but honestly how sexy should I feel with him laying there passing gas, picking his teeth, belching etc? LOL! Sexy is a two way stream. If the fantasy is over for me, then its only fair that it should be over for you too….
No, no don’t get me wrong of course it goes both ways. I’m a woman speaking from my own experience. If my husband wasn’t working hard to look good for me, this would be a completely different article, please believe.
All things are not 50/50 in a relationship..thats a pipe dream..why are the female replies along the lines of “If I’m going to try to look a certain way the man better do it also” or I’m just going to look however.Tit for Tat puts boundries on making partners happy. Give to give sometimes, not just give to get.
ITA!!!! “BE the change you want to see”, it applies to marriage too! Whatever you desire from your spouse, bring the same thing to the table. I personally believe selfishness, immaturity and pride are the top three causes of death in marriages today. Without Jesus in your heart, it’s HARD to be those things. Man, you truly have to have the mind and heart of Christ to be selfless, mature and show humility towards not just your spouse but everybody. LOVE conquers ALL and it’s essential to have a lasting marriage. It took a whole lot of forgiving, swallowing my pride, discipline, and mirror moments with God about guess who? MYSELF. Whenever I wanted to complain about my spouse, God dealt with ME first. Bottom line, without God in the equation, it just aint gon work. LOL! That’s with anything.
I eat right and try to get exercise in to maintain my weight. I also step it up when we go out anywhere together- whether it’s to a dinner party, movie, fancy restraunt or to a friend’s house. I want my husband to always feel like he’s with the finest woman in the room.
I also stroke his ego regularly with kind words, compliments and encouragement. The key is, they are real sentiments for real things, so it’s not like I’m just blowing smoke up his butt.
I totally agree with this. Another motivation is I want to look good for myself. I would wear nice lingerie to bed even before I got married because I enjoyed it (not every night of course lol). So yes the husband appreciates the effort but I mostly do it for me regardless to how sexy I feel or that i have not quite gotten my body where I want it to be. I work out because I want to do so not for him. Thanks for writing this as I see some women who have completely given up on thier appearance and I am sure that the husband would appreciate if they would rethink that. It would probably help with them not having a second thoughts on another woman who does have it together. Men are visual and we wives need to make sure that we give them good eye candy cause trust me there are a whole lot of women out there walking around basically naked that they can see on a daily basis.
Love it, I do the same with my hubby. You have to keep it sexy!
Love it. I am two years in and I do the same thing, mostly because I like to look nice all the time but I do take into consideration that I still want to be desirable for him. Great article
Well put. I also feel that men should do the same for their wives, as well. In addition, a lot of wives put unnecessary pressure on themselves to emulate popular images of beauty, instead of asking their men what they like. Numerous women will be pleasantly surprised when finding out that it doesn’t take a lot to keep their men attracted to them, despite what physical changes take place over time. Lastly, confidence counts. Outfits and makeup mean nothing if you don’t act like it will work.
this is terrible…I would hate to have a husband that believes some false reality of who I am…and I can’t be myself…after all you are not your hair or your pajamas..so what difference does it make..as long as when we step out in public I know how to look good on his behalf or can get dolled up at night as needed…but the majority of nights that is not reality especially for black women who already embrace unnatural activities to uphold european standards of beauty…I wouldn’t have time for it personally!
Loved this! Thanks for your candor. I needed to read this today!
Thank you for such a poignant article that hit home for me. Guilty! Guilty!
This is GOLD.