By Corey Carlisle
What do we do when we find ourselves wanting more in our sexual lives? Many times we try to spice things up with new positions, novel settings, sexy lingerie, and the like. For a time these things seem to do the trick, and we welcome the return of sexual excitement to our dance. However, it becomes disappointing when the newness of these things eventually wear off and we find ourselves once again engaging in boring and shallow encounters.
Even when sex is physically pleasant and intense, we might still feel like it is empty, without much depth or meaning. To discover more in sex, the answer is not always doing more, but rather going deeper and being more. As we mature sexually, we are able to experience sex at deeper levels. These levels are physical sex, emotional sex, and spiritual sex.
At the level of physical sex, our attention is focused on and limited to our bodies. Our pleasure comes from admiring the physical form of our partner, relishing in the friction of our bodies rubbing together, and the pursuit of orgasmic release. Sex has physical meaning.
At the level of emotional sex, our attention is focused on meeting our emotional needs. While still including the physical, we now are more concerned about experiencing emotional comfort, security, and affirmation with and from our partner. Sex has physical and personal meaning.
At the level of spiritual sex, our attention opens to reflect Divine love during sex. Our focus is no longer limited to just meeting our physical and emotional needs, and we now have a holy freedom to be a true conduit of Love during sex. Sex has physical, personal, and transcendent meaning.
It often takes years of practice to grow and experience sex in the deep, and this growth should not be rushed or forced. Much like a child learning to walk or talk, we grow when we are ready. So, fully enjoy sex at the physical or the emotional level without guilt. Even so, be willing to grow when it is time.
If (or more likely when) sex becomes unfulfilling and you want more, then see this dissatisfaction as an opportunity for growth. Your answer for fulfilling sex might not be in a new technique or a new toy, but rather in your courage to take sex into the deep. Let your dissatisfaction be a reminder to remain open and willing to grow into your sexual potential and experience the profound depths of sexual intimacy.
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Corey Carlisle, MDiv is a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist at Building Intimate Marriages. He is currently pursing his doctorate at Amridge University, studying the spiritual aspects of sex for Black Americans.