We don’t often think of the word “bully” when it comes to our relationships. Many couples tend to forget (or pretend to forget) the key ingredients needed for a healthy marriage. Communication, trust, honesty, intimacy, vulnerability and sacrifice are each at the top of my personal list.

Unfortunately, I don’t see very many marriages survive without most of what’s listed above. Sacrifice is frequently overlooked and rarely added to any marriage priority list, but it plays such a major role. Those in great relationships have more than likely adopted the idea of sacrifice. Sacrifice means you’re giving up something for your spouse. It confirms that your spouse is your priority. What specifically is given up is decided by the two people involved in the relationship.

While sacrifice feels good when it’s made for us, we sometimes fail to sacrifice anything. Not making any accommodations in your relationship is what I call a marriage bully. Bullies intimidate others. They have a selfish agenda they live by. They have no regard for the feelings of the person they are seeking to control. We may not look at getting our way as control, but if we are only concerned about our own well being and what our spouse is willing to do for us, it really is a form of control. There’s no place for bullying in a marriage.

Both husbands and wives can play the role of bully in a marriage. Whichever of you carry the title, it’s time you consider the impact it has on your relationship. If you aren’t sure whether or not you fit into this title, here are 5 signs that you might be a marriage bully.

1. You don’t listen. How can a person honestly say they love someone they aren’t even willing to listen to. If you don’t listen you’ll never know what your spouse is in need of and if you don’t know  you can’t provide it to him/her.

2. You do whatever is needed to have your way. If you never consider your spouse in any of the decisions you make, that is a huge problem. If you use your words or body to manipulate a situation so that it turns out in your favor, you’re slowly killing your relationship. Your spouse will eventually recognize the marriage isn’t fulfilling any of their needs and they will walk away. We must keep in mind a marriage involves two, so both partners have to be acknowledged and valued.

3. You aren’t attentive to your partner’s needs or wants. Not being concerned about your spouse is definitely marriage bully thinking. If you don’t take the time to ask questions or even look to meet their needs and desires, I would have to question your commitment to your marriage. Everyone needs to feel loved and desired, when we don’t, we’ll eventually burnout and seek other options that honor us.

4. You are selfish. If your focus is only on self, just like a bully, you will chase the other person away. Being self-centered, obsessed with our own interests and welfare is the biggest marriage mistake one can make. Living a life of giving blesses our own life. This is something we don’t often consider when we make it a habit of mistreating the ones we love.

5. You are careless with your words and actions. Bullies use their physical strength as well as their words to bruise their victim.  If you are disrespectful in how you speak to your spouse, you are definitely a marriage bully. Sometimes we do it because we can get away with it. You may have a spouse who isn’t comfortable defending themselves, because they love you. Using that love and turning it into something else, is one of the worse things you can do in a marriage. You are mentally injuring your spouse, their spirit and destroying your marriage.

Marriage bullying has a lasting impact we don’t always realize. While we may mean well and are used to being catered to, our marriage is going to require our sacrifice. The moment we said “I do” was the moment our lives became bigger than just us. If you truly love your spouse, honor your commitment by showing them just how much in words, actions and the sacrifices you are willing to make on their behalf.

BMWK, what are your thoughts on marriage bullying? Have you been a marriage bully?

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