Time is running out. . . the biological clock is ticking. . . you’ve approached or crossed over 40 years old and still no husband. What do you do?
If you go by the media reports, black women, in particular, will die old maids. Oh, they will have their degrees, a house, and maybe even children. But what they won’t have is a true love who they spend the rest of their lives with. Don’t believe the hype. Because, if you buy into it, then your life will end up mirroring what you believe.
Today, I am answering questions from single women who are trying desperately to continue to believe in love and marriage, done the right way. Not because they stole somebody’s husband, not because they continue to give themselves away to the first guy who shows interest, and not because they will settle for less than they deserve. They want to be a good wife, married to a good husband, so they can grow a great marriage. So, they reached out for some advice about marriage, sex, prayer, and dating. What I offer is just my two cents, which comes from hearing from God, working in marriage ministry, and counseling couples. Please don’t take my responses as the final answer to your questions. Only God can reveal that to you. I’m just offering encouragement from my perspective, which hopefully, will lead you closer to the One who knows you best.
Here we go:
Q: Is it necessary to keep praying for a spouse year after year?
I believe in prayer with my whole heart. Prayer changes things! But sometimes we use prayer as a crutch and as an excuse to remain unhappy and stagnant. You don’t have to get on your knees every day, year after year praying for a spouse. That is not necessary. God heard you the first time. When you continue to pray like that (which actually turns into begging), you start doubting whether or not God will answer your prayer. You create a spirit of desperation that undermines your faith. I know about this personally. My husband and I tried to have a child for 10 years. I prayed and cried and prayed and cried. After about 5 years I noticed I was developing a “woe is me” spirit that affected everything in my life. My prayers had turned into a pity party. Around the 7th year, I stopped praying for a baby and started praying for God’s will to be done in my life. There is a difference. So, make your request known with an expectant and grateful heart, and then keep it moving. God heard you the first time you prayed. If He doesn’t respond right away, trust that He has a good reason for delaying the answer. More than you desire a spouse, desire God’s will for your life. So, in short: pray but don’t beg.
Q: Should I be specific about what I want in a spouse?
Yes and no. Most people think they know what they want and need in a spouse, but they only know the half of it, if that. I encourage singles and married couples to pray for the spiritual, emotional, and behavioral qualities they desire and let God work out the details. For example, pray for a hard working man and leave his place of employment up to God. If you limit yourself to a certain profession, you might miss your dream guy. Pray for a spouse who enjoys learning and experiencing culture; God will determine if he/she needs a college degree. There are plenty of “educated” spouses who have no knowledge about loving another person. Pray for the big picture — trustworthiness, work ethic, humility, loyalty, etc. — and God will arrange the details.
Q: What does it mean that I keep dating the wrong people?
It could be time to stop dating for awhile. There is something called the law of attraction. If you are the common denominator on these bad dates, then you have to do some self-evaluation to see what in your spirit or behavior is attracting the opposite of what you desire. It’s easy to blame the other person. However, real maturity comes in when you look inside to see what’s really going on with you. Are you appearing desperate, lonely, or sexually frustrated? You have to be honest with yourself. This is a skill you will need when you get married, so you might as well get started now.
Q: How do I know if I will be sexually compatible with my future spouse if we wait to have sex? Should I pray for that?
First of all, premarital sex doesn’t guarantee sexual compatibility during marriage. There are plenty of couples who engaged in premarital sex and then once they got married their sex life dwindled. Why? Because the day-to-day cares of maintaining a home as well as the premarital sexual baggage they carried across the altar sucked the intimacy and energy out of them. On the other hand, there are plenty of couples who waited and now enjoy a phenomenal sex life. Pray for the big picture — sexual compatibility being a part of it — and then let God handle the details. By all means, talk to God about sexual desire, intimacy, and pleasure in marriage. God created it, so He should know how it works. Most married couples grow into sexual compatibility over several years. They “learn” each other, and with God’s help their skills get better with time!
Q: How do I win at relationships?
Your primary relationship should be with God. Who is He in your life? Work on answering that question each day. The second most important relationship is with the self. Who am I? Get to know who you are so you aren’t seeking validation from another person. You definitely don’t want to go into marriage expecting your spouse to give you an identity. That’s draining for both people. It’s better to go into marriage feeling like a winner already, even if you are still a work in process. There’s nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone who sees themselves as a loser. They mope around, complain, and suck the life out of everybody around them. On the other hand, a winner goes into situations beforehand expecting victory. Winners in life and winners in marriage expect victory, but first and foremost, they make a decision to do their work. Work with God, and work on you!
Q: How can I be happy waiting so long?
Decide to be happy and then do it. If you aren’t happy single, then you will not be happy married. Whatever holes you have in your heart now as a single person will only deepen and expand in marriage. Why? Because you are expecting your spouse to fill the holes for you and then that causes more pain and heartache when he/she can’t. God completes you; a spouse compliments you. Don’t get the two confused. Whether single or married, your happiness is not determined by another person. Once you develop a good relationship with God and with yourself, then you will begin to experience joy and fulfillment in your life. From there, you will attract someone who has similar spiritual and emotional stability.
So, just to recap. You don’t have to beg God for a spouse. Pray with sincerity for the spiritual, emotional, and behavioral qualities you desire in a mate, and then get off your knees and start living on purpose. Trust God to arrange the details and to deliver the blessing. In the meantime, work on building your relationship with God and on getting to know yourself. Live each day thankful for what you do have and do not worried about what you don’t have.
BMWK, do you believe the hype that most black women will die single or divorced?
I appreciate this, I’m single & in my mid 30s and I pretty much adhere to the advice in your article. Right now I’m working on me. Most of my friends and acquaintances are married with and without children living their lives. And I’ve been in caretaker mode of family members. So now that it’s my turn to live, I feel like I missed the boat on love. But I know God is faithful and I have to work on me. Again thank you for this article, it was very timely.
Hello coco, Am James by the way, Single and in early 30s, God fearing man, who lives and abide by the word of God. Am much more interested in you, If you wish to talk and know more about each other….
I am praying for you to find that love and the two of you can go cruising together. God laid it on my heart to pray for others in and out of relationship, It seems harder nowadays to manage any kind of relationship so working on me and my relationship with God is all I can do to stay sane. I pray that all the desires of your heart are mightily fulfilled. Peace and blessings.
Thank you for this article. I am a single woman and I do want to be married and not settle or have a woe is me attitude. It is frustrating watching everyone around you and feeling and a “whats wrong w/ me” pity party, but my time is coming. Your article was open and honest and I can appreciate you not down playing the feelings and emotions that come w/ be single sometimes.
Again, thank you for this article. These are the things that were on my heart today. Being a Christian and single, people think you’re exempt from desiring to be married. And on top of that, there are questions that need to be answered, but you think the whole Christian world are going to scrutinize you because we’re human, God made us and questions about sex, spouses and all that, come up. It’s like you’re supposed to just go to church, do church, live, eat, and sleep church and not want to have a spouse and live the life that God says you can live with a husband/wife from Him. For years, I was in this barricade, thinking it was a sin to want to be married and have different questions came up. So after 2 decades, I got off that trip, God revealed some things to me through someone else.
Anyhow, thanks for answering these questions, because it would be wrong not to ask them and end up in a wrong relationship cause you’re so naive. God does knows about our flesh and how it operates. His word says that what He made was good.
GREAT ARTICLE!!!!
I am very encouraged by this article. I am in a season of renewal and part of that is working on me and the other part is working on my relationship with God. I am a woman in the ministry and it seems even more difficult for me to find genuine platonic relationships with people. My friends in the ministry share the same sentiments as called woman. Its hard out here for a preacher woman. LOL!!! However your advice was inspiring. I have been encouraging my sisters in the same fashion for a little while. Most recently I took that step back and said maybe I going about this wrong. Since then the struggles seem a little less burdensome. Thanks so much for your wisdom. May God continue to keep you in the way. Peace and Blessings.
I totally agree T, it is definitely hard to maintain relationships with people, whether they be platonic or romantic. I am already a rather shy person, which only makes it harder, but I am also a Christian and would prefer to interact with people who have similar interests and values and nowadays, it’s hard to find people like that, even in the church sometimes. You have people that pretend to be one way, and then the next day, sometimes the next minute, they are acting totally different, so it makes it hard to trust people in general. I guess it’s just a sign of the times and I think that for a while it made me really frustrated and bitter because it just seemed like it was always going to be this way. I am in my mid-30’s too and the older you get, it does get harder, but I am just trying to work on me right now and my relationship with the Lord, and I feel that if I can maintain that, everything else will fall into place. Be Blessed!
Yes everything does fall into to place I’m 56 and have been single all of my life. I want to get married but the closer you develop your relationship with Jesus you won’t settle for anything less than what Jesus wants for you.
Thank you for this piece. This was truly a blessing for me. I am still in the waiting process and continue to improve myself so I can be a great addition to my husband to be when God has us cross paths. Over the years, my want in a husband has changed and now I really pen point want I would like in a husband. Must Must must love God and put him first. Must loves to share church life with me. Kind, loving, considerate, family oriented, love kids and a team player. again thank you. I will continue my growth with God as I wait on him to lead.
and hard work ethic
equally yoked spiritually must
Thanks for reading.
Good Morning,
Do you travel and talk to women about finding a husband and offer tips to single women in their waiting season?
“Not because they stole somebody’s husband”
How come it’s always implied that a women tries to steal another women’s husband? Is a married man not capable of making the decision or have the intent to step out on his wife? It gives the impression that the only way for a man to cheat on his wife is for another women to brain wash him to do so.
I rebuke you….
I basically quit on dating and trying to find a man/husband. It was starting to become a job in itself. I have prayed many years after many years as well. Last year though I didn’t even bother to include it on my prayer list. ALL my friends are now married with children and I am the oldest in the group. I try to focus more on my relationship with God. If it happens it happens, if it doesn’t, it won’t make me less of a woman. To be honest I just can’t be bothered right now.
I really needed to read that! Because I have prayed so much, the pity-party was about to start. I am no determined to stop and allow GOD to do HIS thing with my life!
Well for me, this happened just recently when I turned 35. I use to always tell myself that if I didn’t have a child or husband by the time I was 40 then I was going to in fact give up on ever getting either one of them. Then as I was praying Jeremiah 29:11 kept coming to mind For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. As I realized that in Gpd revealing this scripture to me I realized that I was trying to be in control and limiting God to a certain time frame. So I really did let go and let God. I have much success in my career and of course would love someone to share a family with. Am I tempted at times to just say “the hell with it” and have premarital sex and get pregnant and do things my way?? OF COURSE I have my moments. For the time being I’m content with being single,saved, and celibate.
DeeDee praise to God I knoe exactly how you feel
Thanks sooooo very much for this article. It’s very comforting to know that God knows all and sees all. I’ve too be struggling with meeting a guy that really loves God, that seeks Him and really walks in the will of God. Although I feel as if I’m ready to move forward in love, I know God is asking for more of me. So in the process I’m devoting more time to Him. I’ve been single for nearly 8 years and am 30 years old. I’m trusting God that He has my best interest at heart. Thanks again for this post.
Why do so many women have this desire? That is what bothers me? I ask God this all the time,no answer yet?! All my friends are married,engaged,with children. I am 30. If we are supposed to make God first in our life, why do we have these feelings? Where did they come from? These are questions for God. I know. There are a lot of single women! I don’t think it bothers men so much as women. Yes I can grab any men and have relations with but its not fulfilling. Also doesn’t the word of the Lord says pray without ceasing? 1 Thessalonoians 5:17 Pray without ceasing, In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. I think it all boils down to seeking God!
My husband says that all of the men he works with really want love and marriage as well. The ones who divorced and go home to an empty, quiet home miss the life of being a part of a family. They say its lonely. they have relationships with eomen of course but, sex snd selfishness complicates itvthrn it rnds and nobody oncluding them seems to know how on esnts to put yhe effort into the work comes with reward. They actually talk about it! They say they wanted to be single again and regret that they made things do bad that now they can’t go back. The feel like failures, foolish, and inferior to men who stick it out. They talk about the freedom to spend their money the way they want and the ability to come and go as they please but how unfulfilling it is in the end. Men do have desires for love and family just like women and in manifests differently, theirs stakes look a little different too. That want successful, loving, encouraging, intimate, companionship too. There are lots of elegible black men as well as others races for the women who want them. Don’t be discouraged. Philippians 4:6.
When I was single, my dad used to tell me that if you think being single is bad, hooking up with the wrong spouse is far worse. It can be a slow death to your finances, the your self-esteem, and to your spirit. He was right. I think single women romanticize what it’s like to be married and believe it’s going to be a “a Calgon take me away” moment all of the time. Marriage can be wonderful but only if it’s with the right partner and if God is in the midst of the union. I don’t know who is destined to be single and who are not. Statistics are very real so that means some women will not get married. However, I know many single women who have chosen to live their life to the fullest and be a blessing to everyone they meet. They demonstrate that you can claim your joy at any stage of your life and you don’t need a husband to be fulfilled.
Wow this article was soooo good and encouraging. I’ve been single, praying, and waiting. It is not easy at all and sometimes I really want to give up but I know God has my husband out there and I trust him. Thank you Dr Michelle for writing this article……it is truly encouraging.
As encouraging as this article is, i feel like I might have missed out on The Love Boat. I’ve been single for 7 years, with very little to no dating involved. I used these 7 years to do a lot of what this article is suggesting. The truth is, the older you get (especially for women) the harder it is to find a suitable mate. I’ll be 40 this year and the “available” men are less than desirable and disappointing. Times have changed and a lot of people no longer have sound morals and values and don’t value relationships anymore.
I enjoyed reading this article. I am battling with all of my baggage. I got married to an abusive man in my mid 20’s ang got divorced in my mid 30’s. Then, the post-divorce relationships have been horrible about 5 of them. The last relationship just ended in 07/12. Before I met my last boyfriend I prayed to meet anoher husband. He seemed to be the perfect mate until he met another woman. He quit me on Facebook. Then, within a month he had a picture of him and another woman on his Facebook page. We both agreed at tge beginning of tge relationship that we had been through many bad relationships. It feels like he was the last hope for me being in a relationship. He does not know how much he damaged me. Now my ex-husband wants to be back together (says he has found the Lord and says he had changed)..he will do anything for me….but I am so messed up…I don’t know if I can fall again for the deceit. I don’t know what to do for companionship. I have a dog… Maybe my dog is my companionship. Help. ..
I agree with the sentiments of the article. It can get discouraging at times. Especially in your 40s with no prospects in sight. My question is how do you start the self-evaluation and the other things you mentioned?
So I read this article and for the most part I agree. What I disagree with the most is why should dating or finding a potential marriage partner be addressed by prayer only? Faith w/o works is dead, right? So why just pray that God will make some magic happen while your out doing your shopping? Why can’t singles be encouraged to be more engaged in activities that will increase their chances of meeting someone which may evolve into a long term relationship, and/or marriage? Singles do not have to sit back and wait. Singles Christian men and women, I think, should pray to God for dating guidance, and also ask their family members and ask friends about other like-minded single folks who are also looking to date or eventaully be married. If we want a job, we just don’t pray and ask God, we start looking for another/next one. If we have an injury that prayer hasn’t healed, why not see a specialist who can provide additional support. Single Christian men and women have been suckered into thinking that God is going to do all the work, when in actuality it may be more of a partnership between God and His people.
Exactly Natalie. If I had continued to sit back and wait, I’d still be single now instead of married for three years with a beautiful 1-year-old son.
After being single long enough, I finally started saying to heck with that and started telling people I wanted to be married, I’d like to be introduced to men who felt the same and also got out there (not the club, mind you) and started actively dating. Within a year, I met my future husband like this.
Singles should be encouraged to be active in their desire for marriage. Marriage is a good thing. I don’t believe these lengthy periods of singleness that so many of us are experiencing is positive at all, nor do I think this is how God would have us be.
Pretty nice post. I’ve really enjoyed browsing your blog posts.
In any case I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon! Thank you, I’ll try to come back more frequently?
This article is quite enlightening. I’m single 40 going 50. Never been married and I subscribe to the praying and waiting on God. I’ve asked myself over and over again whether I am not praying enough, praying the “right” prayer etc. Yes, it gets harder as one grows older (ladies esp.) and I seem to meet the “wrong” guys. I have self-evaluated – what am I attracting “them”. What is wrong in me? I have been born-again for long and younger ladies just seem to come and go as I watch. Quite frustrating I must say. Now I have just resigned myself to – God, you better do it and do it soon. I don’t feel the “celibacy call” upon my life. I don’t know how else to handle this. God, just show up.
This was definitely a god article and it made me think. I’m female in my late 40’s, to cover the entire base; I’m still a virgin. I’m waiting for God to bring my husband and I together. However I do struggle with the whole waiting situation. I desire to be married and I do not understand why I am still single at this age. God knows the desires of my heart and I am earnestly waiting on Him. The word says that it was not good for man to be alone so God created him a helpmeet. So if it’s not good for the man to be alone why are so many helpmeets still alone? It is frustrating to watch the other women around you getting married (especially those who have had multiple marriages and those who do not live a saved life as we can see). How do they keep finding husbands when there are so many single women waiting on God for the first husband. This is not a bash on anyone by any means, just voicing inner thoughts.
Natalie and Lisa, I agree with you. And you both seem to know as I do that unfortunately the church does not encourage singles to date and a single woman is not encouraged to expresses her desire to be married. recently I communicated with three women that I know who were recently married (1 for the 2nd time, 1 for the 3rd time and the last for the first time)and each of them said that they were not looking for a husband. When I mentioned that I do desire to be married they went silent on me…
I wanted to comment on what you stated here. There are some churches that do encourage si gles to date but with that it’s certain parameters that are ask of them to keep in mind. Like don’t allow yourself to be placed in vulnerable position, maybe group date at first for comfort as well as protection. At some churches they singles ministry and they do a variety of things for the singles women as well as men.
The church has to be very clear on dating because some ppl may think dating mean having sex and that’s not what the church should be promoting especially if it’s before marriage. The ppl you may have met and talked to about marriage may have been hurt and are speaking out of their bitterness towards men.
Male of female if you do not put and keep God first in your life and your marriage then it is doomed. It may not be a divorce but real happiness and enjoyment will not be experienced.
GOD is the Answer!!!
There are still some good men and women out here unfortunately there are still some bad ppl out here too. Weeding through the bad to get a good one seems futile. But let God give you what’s Best for You its His specialty !!! God bless you!!!
May God continue to bless you!!! It did minister to me and answered all by silent questions. Thanks!!!
Great article
Should married Christian men pray with christian women