It saddens me to my heart when we look around us and see we’re surrounded by “victims” of divorce and broken families. I use the word victim loosely because as you will see from the below solutions most “victims” could have been victors.
Adults and children alike carry this generational curse; it can plague us all through life without even knowing it. So much that you will hear couples these days go into the institution of marriage, believing that divorce is inevitable. Sad, right? However, with every problem, comes a solution; it is all about having the proper perspective.
We can break this generational curse and stronghold (remember it takes a village). Divorce is not normal, and we have to shame this lie that is getting a stronghold in our marriages, homes and society.
Below are what I believe are the eight falsehoods that lead to failed marriages and how to flourish in your matrimony. No more believing the hype we’ve been programmed to believe about broken marriages:
Marriage = Happiness
I have heard many of married couples and couples alike say, “if you are not happy, then there’s no point to it.” Don’t get me wrong, of course being happy is very important, but it’s not all that there is nor the reality of any relationship.
Life can never be free of trying times, conflicts and disappointments. We must LEARN to stick with our spouses when the going gets tough and work it out TOGETHER. It might be the loss of a job, a child, depression or who knows what. After all, marriage is unpredictable, but don’t lose hope. Joy comes in the morning!
When the love “dies,” the union should end
If this was the case, I, like most, would not be married. At the beginning of every relationship, there’s that giddy and heart-warming feeling we get whenever we’re with our love. You know those butterflies, passionate chemistry and I can’t keep my hands to myself feelings.
Eventually we might not feel this way all the time. Don’t be alarmed. Personally, I have fallen in love and out of love with my husband due to the trials and tribulations of life and marriage.
However, the in-love has far outweighed the out-of-love stage, and I’m happy and proud to say I love him more today than ever. Those triumphs help but the trials show you both what you and your marriage are made of. So if you are in the space of feeling as though the love is dying, trust and believe it can be rekindled.
It doesn’t mean you should rush into divorce proceedings. Find a way to do the things that made you guys so in love in the first place. Find your spark. After all love can be quite cyclical and made to grow again and again…trust me I’m speaking from experience here.
What they don’t know won’t hurt them
Yeah, believe that if you want! It’s the classic case that always goes wrong. So many people believe that cheating and indulging in pornography, drugs and only God knows what else (Yes, He knows) without getting caught cannot destroy their marriage.
But it can and will. Whatever you share your time and body with has become a part of you—a part that you promised to your partner. If you can’t tell your spouse what you are doing or thinking of doing, then the chances are really good that you have no business participating in those activities. Remember what is done in the dark always comes to light.
I just cannot forgive my spouse
So many have vowed that there are some wrong doings if committed by their spouses that could never be forgiven. I’m sure you have heard them, and one of the biggest sins being infidelity. “If he cheat’s I’m out of here,” but you’re still “here”.
Trust, there is no judgement in this statement. My husband and I have both confronted and conquered infidelity in our marriage, having been done by both of us. We conquered through forgiveness. When we truly open our hearts to God, he instills in us the power of redeeming love. Forgiveness becomes a gift we shower freely. Remember the greatest spouses are usually those who have forgiven the greatest sins. Any sin is forgivable if you want it to be forgiven.
My spouse was the wrong match for me
I have encountered my fair share of people who believed they are married to the wrong person, and as such, they want to bring their union to an end. They feel like there’s no redemption for such, considering the marriage might have been a mistake from the very beginning. The Bible says all things work together for our good, thus there’s no mistake God cannot put to good use.
Perhaps you are looking at it all wrong. Try a new perspective. For example, I thought my husband was a bit of a procrastinator until we took an awesome couples assessment. He was what’s called a “contemplator” in that he had to think about many scenarios before selecting the best scenario. I, on the other hand, can make a decision quickly and take risks.
I learned to appreciate what was once a trait I saw as a fault, and now it is truly a strength that through the proper perspective has benefited our marriage. This can do the same for yours too.
My partner is too flawed
Countless couples realized, only after marriage, how much of damaged goods their partners are. We all have “baggage” from prior relationships and life overall. Let him, who is without sin cast…well you know the rest, yes?
Remember that there is no sin too great for God to forgive, and there’s no person too horrible for him to use. Trust in God about your partner.
Divorce would not hurt my children
This is probably the most devastating lie that destroys family and marriages. Most children from broken homes grow up with a lot of psychological issues. So it’s best to think about in what ways this decision could affect the children. If your issues with your partner are redeemable (and do not impact the children), then by all means redeem.
My marriage is irredeemable
No marriage is so terrible and damaged that God cannot heal. Invite him into your family and see him mend every broken heart, salvage every hurt, melt hard hearts and restore peace like a river.
BMWK, do you believe there is such a thing as a false marriage?