By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
Like many working mothers, after the 9-to-5 I am pretty much wiped out. Unfortunately (because there never appears to be a break) and fortunately (because children are God’s gift to us), our second job begins. Although there isn’t normally much energy left over, we still have to produce because that second job is the most important. We fail if we half do it.
As a parent, the vision for my children’s future involves so many plans, hopes and dreams. I desire for them to have a personal relationship with God, be happy, successful, confident and surrounded by people who want the best for them. What I learned this week is that my actions were not in alignment with those desires. BMWK, it is hard to admit, but I was guilty of some lazy parenting.
Lazy parenting is basically doing just enough to get by, yet not doing all that can be done in order to truly benefit the child. I was strong in certain areas while lacking in others. The realization of my lazy parenting was revealed as I helped my child with homework one night. Whenever I have multiple tasks to complete I always try to combine a couple in order to save time. So, in addition to helping with homework I am usually also writing, creating or planning. Which, as you may have guessed, doesn’t offer my children my undivided attention. Recently as I glanced back and forth between her homework and my projects, I decided to send her to her dad for assistance. Her mood immediately changed. She pouted and explained she didn’t want daddy to help her because he made her work harder. My shame and disappointment were instant.
In that moment I realized my multi-tasking was doing more harm than good and if my children felt as though they could just get by with me, I was doing something terribly wrong.
How could I think my children would have these great futures if I wasn’t assisting them and fully equipping them with the tools they needed? I have to actively participate, be fully present and contribute to their success. Parenting cannot be half done. In order for my children to have a personal relationship with God, my own has to be clearly visible. If I want them to be happy, I have to mirror happiness for them. They also need to know that success comes as a result of hard work, dedication and commitment. As their mom, it is a must that I always display my commitment to them; they have to feel they are fully supported. I have to constantly use words of encouragement to build their confidence. If my children are to surround themselves with people who want the best for them, I have to always be one of those people.
I decided this week that along with my husband, I want to also be the parent that makes my children work harder. I will no longer half-step with my parenting. Today, I proudly declare, “NO MORE LAZY PARENTING.”
BMWK, have you ever been guilty of lazy parenting? If so, what were the changes you had to make?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
kesha says
I am guilty of Lazy Parenting! From this day forward, NO MORE LAZY PARENTING!
Shana says
I love this, its a reminder that the wolrds hardest yet most rewardable job is sooo worth it, Love my baby boy to death and the Idea the someone other than myself would be 100% committed to him and not me would just hurt!! Great article and to all the the great parents…Kudos to NO More Lazy Parenting-remember we are Human:)
Tiya says
Thank you Shana, we are human. We learn as we go, even in parenting, thanks!
Lovebabz says
Oh that lazy parenting got me this morning! I want to argue the point, but seriously I must surrender to the truth! I am GUILTY! Ugghh! Thank you for raising the issue and calling yourself to task…and us with you 🙂 Now onto more focused parenting!
Tiya says
Thank you Lovebabz. It wasn’t easy for me to admit either 🙁
MoniLove says
Love the article Tiya! I have to admit the 7 y. o. keeps forgetting her French homework at school. Which has been going on for some time. In the Fall I told her I wasn’t calling around to other parents to scramble to get her work for her, it’s HER responsibility! Then, just last night (after forgetting it for the 3rd time this week) I said “I have no idea how you’re going to pass the upcoming test bc you won’t bring home the work to study. But if you want to fail the test, then I’m going to let you do it!” To which she quickly responded, “Oh mommy no you’re not! You’re going to figure out a way for me to pass.” To be totally honest Tiya, I AM going to let her fail that test! Why? Because she must fail it in order to realize SHE has to be responsible for it, not me! It’s going to hurt my heart to see that F, but I have to do it for her. If I don’t, she’ll expect me to figure “it” out for her for the rest of her life, and frankly, I’m not willing to do that!
Now, as for some other areas in our lives, I agree I could be a little less lazy! 😉
Tiya says
Thanks MoniLove! That is tough, I don’t know if I could do it, but I know the result will be well worth it.
Dtarelle says
Wow!!! MoniLove that is such dedication! I really admire you for being able to do that. I totally understand though because it’s better that she learns this lesson sooner rather than later before a pattern sets in and the consequences are greater. Great parenting MoniLove!
Nesterlin says
I agree and understand why we sometimes slack. First though, I would like to point out that I believe the minute we become parents, parenting is our #1 job. Even if we work up to 3 other jobs or have a career to support us financially. We work to find one type of fullfilment and to support our families. However, if you’re a parent, the heart of that family are the children. The career may come to halt, switched….jobs may come and go, family, especially your children, are eternal. I notice myself that I sometime perform lazy paretning. I take notice and try to do better each day forward. I know it’s only going to get more difficult, for my son is only a toddler now. I’m already thinking that with each stage, life completely changes….again. Once he starts school, it will be a whole different ball game. And I better be ready to play the game well!!!!!!!!!
Nesterlin says
I agree and understand why we sometimes slack. First though, I would like to point out that I believe the minute we become parents, parenting is our #1 job. Even if we work up to 3 other jobs or have a career to support us financially. We work to find one type of fullfilment and to support our families. However, if you’re a parent, the heart of that family are the children. The career may come to halt, switched….jobs may come and go, family, especially your children, are eternal. I notice myself that I sometime perform lazy paretning. I take notice and try to do better each day forward. I know it’s only going to get more difficult, for my son is only a toddler now. I’m already thinking that with each stage, life completely changes….again. Once he starts school, it will be a whole different ball game. And I better be ready to play the game well!!!!!!!!!
Timiera says
I am here to take a stand for all those parents who are TIRED OF THE GUILT TRIPS put on us by the media, professionals, other parents and even our own children. When many of us work that 9 – 5 we are doing it to provide a better life for our kids. This should not be labeled as “lazy parenting” when after a long hard day at work we find we don’t have the energy to help with homework. Providing for your child in addition to spending quality, one-on-one time is important for your child, spouse and anyone you want to have a healthy relationship with. More importantly you have to take care of yourself. You can’t be a good parent, spouse, or friend if you don’t take care of yourself 1st. My advice DON’T ACCEPT THE GUILT! Realize that the plan God has for our children is going to happen whether we help with their homework or not.
Kidzncolour says
not sure of what “guilt” you won’t accept…that’s like saying alright God I had them now you do your part while I sit here and regain my energy….but I know that is not what you are saying!
PLJ says
I don’t think the purpose of this article is a “guilt trip”, but if you are feeling convicted then you might need to rearrange your priorities. I, for one, have had to do it myself. So I quit one of my jobs. I realized it was not worth me working 55-60 hours a week and still making time to spend with my kids, spouse, self, etc. I think the author is just asking for parents to be more aware and in tune with their children. Don’t parent on autopilot. I understand sometimes we get tired, or have a bad day. But if you regularly don’t have the energy to help with homework or whatever, you need to find something else that will work for you and your children. They didn’t ask to be here, but now that they are, God expects us to do our best. Yes God has his plan but he picked us to help it come to pass. God bless you!
Anonymous says
Timiera – I don’t think this was about guilt. I think the author is #1 confessing her own parenting miscue. Which #2, I think takes a lot of courage and honesty. #3 I think all of us are susceptible to falling into “lazy” patterns – at times. And I found the honesty a breath of fresh air. Why another person’s self-recognition and shedding of light on a common problem is a “guilt trip” is hard to grasp.
Rubygriffin36 says
There’s a lot of slacking,when it come to our children’s attention…that they need on a regular basic…that why i’m alway saying,Parents Step Up…I know as parents,y’all can do more,cause there more in y’all…I’m sooo guilty as well,toward my grandbabies…They push there granny to the limit…cause they expect more out of me then their own parents,that i have to force them to go to their parents…then i really feel guilty,because they think their granny don’t suppose to be lazy,they see me as their supergranny…that what i’m not.but,i will keep faking it for the love of my babies…
Eloquence Inc says
Timiera honestly I see your point. What the author should have been doing IMO is setting a standard of ALTERNATING who helps with homework every night from the start, and maybe from now on. If the husband has more energy to keep a sharper eye on the homework than the wife, why the heck is the wife feeling for even a second that she must drag her tired self over there to do it? This isn’t about lazy parenting it’s about an imbalanced share of duties in the marriage. And all too often women think if their life isn’t painful and full of this kind of emotional or physical strain, drain, suffering…they not doing it right.
One human body can only do so much. Time for the husband to pick up the slack. If he’s better at helping with homework, don’t be superwoman, do what works in your household and let that be his job.
Being a woman and a wife is NOT about being a pack mule and earning martyr awards. If your husband sees you there so tired he should be telling those kids come here let me help with your homework, honey go relax I got this.
Eloquence Inc says
Timiera honestly I see your point. What the author should have been doing IMO is setting a standard of ALTERNATING who helps with homework every night from the start, and maybe from now on. If the husband has more energy to keep a sharper eye on the homework than the wife, why the heck is the wife feeling for even a second that she must drag her tired self over there to do it? This isn’t about lazy parenting it’s about an imbalanced share of duties in the marriage. And all too often women think if their life isn’t painful and full of this kind of emotional or physical strain, drain, suffering…they not doing it right.
One human body can only do so much. Time for the husband to pick up the slack. If he’s better at helping with homework, don’t be superwoman, do what works in your household and let that be his job.
Being a woman and a wife is NOT about being a pack mule and earning martyr awards. If your husband sees you there so tired he should be telling those kids come here let me help with your homework, honey go relax I got this.
Dtarelle says
Thanks so much for this reminder. I really believe that all of us have the best of intentions as it relates to our children. It is great that you were open minded enough to see where you could improve and make changes for the better.
I’d also like to add to your formula for success for our children. It is D.E.E.D and it stands for Discipline, Engagement, Effort and Dedication. It is important to help our children as well as ourselves become disciplined in taking the right actions and making the right decisions. Being disciplined helps us to build a strong foundation in achieving our goals. By being fully engaged with the task at hand instead of multitasking with texting, Facebook and the t.v. and radio our children are learning to put their full selves into a task and not just do enough to get by. This all requires effort and energy, when you hear the words hard and work together you immediately become uninspired, who wants to do work or anything hard? Lastly, we get to remind our children that we are dedicated to their success but we cannot do it without them. We get to explore what they want to do with their lives and get them thinking about it early so that they can become dedicated to their success too.
Tiya says
Dtarelle, I love it!!!
karen norman says
I love it, but how does the author propose that suddenly there will be more energy and more time to commit to the children. Are you going to drop other activities that you are doing? Since children do also learn by example, who’s going to show them to live their lives for themselve and not just for the people they love? Who’s going to show them that a marriage and parenting are about equally valued contributions and that daddy can chip in sometimes (maybe in different ways of course). The idea, that identifying areas of improvement, and committing to fixing them is grand…..but how? I would definitely like to know, because I suffer from the same issue.
Tiya says
Karen, thanks for your comment. My husband has been great in stepping up and doing his part, for some reason I have been overwhelming myself feeling as though I have to do it all. For me, I have to admit and release my need to be a supermom. But on my shifts with the children I have to give them my all, without the multitasking. That is where I will begin. Karen, as you can see you/we are not alone.
Anonymous says
Hey Tiya – Next time you are going to step on my toes, give me a heads up. LOL. Great post. No More Lazy Pareting
Tiya says
Thanks Edward! LOL, it was really hard for me to even write this one.
Wwwdotgirl says
My kids are 22 and 16 and yes I’ve have some lazy parenting moments over the years, but all it takes is a comment from them, like the ones some of you have described and then I’m back on it! LOL!