When my wife is out I worry, not about what she is doing or who she is with, but whether or not she is safe. There are many times when she loses track of time or thinks that because she’s out with a group she is safe. But it doesn’t work that way. As a spouse I believe it’s our jobs to keep each other updated on our whereabouts, exactly for the reasons many would figure it isn’t necessary. I want to know from her that she is safe. But up until recently, I can’t say I’ve been very good at expressing my concern. Typically, I’ve been a complete grouch by the time she gets in. She’s sensed my bad attitude immediately and things have just gone downhill from there. Sometimes she didn’t even make it home without incurring my wrath in the form of a string of angry texts. Regardless of the method, neither of us have gone to bed happy.
Then one day I decided to switch things up.
Recently my wife was out at a networking dinner with her associates, and I did everything that I always do: cleaned the house and put the kids to bed — well I made the big one go to bed. But this time I added a couple steps:
- I didn’t contact her repeatedly while she was out, and
- Close to the time she said she was coming home I lit a candle and set out a bottle of unopened wine and two glasses and left it on the kitchen table so the presentation would be waiting for her when she came through the front door.
It was well received.
What made the difference? I welcomed her home. It was all over my face that she was missed while she was gone. We ate (crackers and proscuitto), drank and happily discussed her evening out. This is not a reward for not letting me know that she is safe. Rather an acknowledgment that on my end there was room for improvement.
If you’ve never considered greeting your wife at the door with something romantic, and I mean romantic not sexual, you should try it. You might be surprised by the response you receive.
BMWK – Have you ever taken Eric’s approach, by making positive changes in order to address issues in your marriage?
Perfect example of taking charge and becoming the change you want to see! I am sure now she actually hears what you are saying about her safety. When you are trying to get in touch with your spouse and get no answer or response its easy for that same concern to turn into anger. Sometimes communication happens without words!!! Sometimes changing our own behavior will spark change in others!!!
What if you do these things for her and she never does them for u?
It is a chance you have to take if u want to become a better couple. And if not, u will become a better person. You cannot control another person, only yourself. So u can continue to stress yourself out and go through emotional ups and downs or you can find peace and do better for yourself.
I 2nd Byron’s point 100%. You can’t live your life based on what someone else is or is not doing for you. Even your spouse. And if your behavior is based solely on the actions of someone else is it genuine? Determine to do what you feel in your heart is right, regardless of whether your deeds are reciprocated or not.
It’s also worth having a conversation. Ask her why she doesn’t, but before you do make sure you take stock of the things that she does do for you to make sure you aren’t overlooking the fact that she may cook for you or give you nights out with the fellas or whatever it may be. She may be doing for you but in a way that you don’t see as the same, but she may see it as the same thing. It’s worth a shot. I say talk it out rather than wonder, get angry and become more distant.
Good stuff Eric. I need to take this approach. Sometimes the small things can totally change the atmosphere in the house.
Maybe I missed something; however, I don’t see the problem to be resolved that the other commenters are talking about. Its sounds to me like the author is overly protective and a bit edgy and that this approach was a way of changing the tenor of the home when wife arrives. I bet she was relieved at not having to endure the fighting, and it was a much better evening for both. Perhaps a greeting like this will make her want to be home earlier; however, I didn’t get the impression that he has a problem with her actual whereabouts or that she’s out at inappropriate hours of the night/morning. It came across to me that he is a worry wort and would rather than she never left his sight, in a manner of speaking.
Thank you for your comment. I don’t believe you missed anything. But you may be reading more into it based on perception or personal experience. I am not sure whether you are married or not but it is perfectly okay to be concerned about your spouse’s well being when they are apart from you. The problem is when concern becomes unchecked worry which was the point of the article. And just to clear anything up I am not talking about 10pm or even midnight I am talking about 2 and 3 am when the time out doesn’t match the time the spouse said he or she, in my case, stated she’d be in. When you have kids in a 2 parent household they begin to worry before bedtime. It’s natural and it’s human. I think the worser alternative would be to have a spouse who didn’t care at all. This article is a suggestion as to what one might try should they be seeking to break unhealthy behavior. Not an indictment of a husband’s concern for his wife and mother of his children.