by Phil Stevens,
I’m a man.
This is embarrassing and I’m ashamed of myself for it, but I need to confess it. The other day while at the mall, a young woman in skin tight, short shorts turned my head. The rule is I can look for a second or two but I cannot stare. Staring is essentially lusting or fantasizing.
This time – I did. I stared for quite some time and just watched her walk.
After about 20 seconds I noticed a young man staring at her too, not even trying to hide it. He boldly moved in for a closer look. And then I noticed an older man watching her. That slapped me hard in the face! I, was among several men gawking at this woman. I shook it off and bolted for the exit. I was ashamed of myself for objectifying her. Granted, she wore those shorts for a reason, but I need to be responsible for my own actions. There is no hope for me to fully honor God and my wife – operating from that sinful place.
I’m a married man.
Men, Here’s where I think we men fool ourselves into thinking we are justified to objectify and lust after women.
1. If She Wears it, She WANTS Me to Look
That may or may not be true. However, just because she wears it, or doesn’t wear enough, does not give you the right to drool or inappropriately stare. She has her own reasons for her choice of clothing, that shouldn’t justify lusting after anyone other than your wife. If a man drops his wallet, does his mistake mean you can have his money and use his credit cards? I don’t think so.
2. Our Sex Life Has Diminished
Listen to me men. Our lady’s lady parts do not have an on/off switch. We might. But most women aren’t wired like that. She needs to be romanced all day and everyday. I don’t necessarily mean wine and flowers, I mean a kiss before work, a little/lot of housework help, a text or phone call to say – you are thinking of her, reconnecting with her about her or your day after work. Romance is NOT turning over right before the lights go out and jumping her bones. She’s NOT ready yet… and that’s OK. Your wife needs emotional connection and new love everyday. that is the way God wired her. Let me also be clear.. just because the frequency of your sex life has diminished, it does not give you the right to cheat on her, entertain emotional affairs, flirt and/or engage in pornography.
3. Sex is Everywhere!
These days, 85% of commercials, TV shows and/or movies are peppered with sexual innuendos. If these sexual ads are triggers for you, steer clear of them. Arrest them, call them out and chase them away. Even David, a man after God’s own heart (1 Samuel 13:14) was tempted, but he allowed the trigger to manifest into much more. Arrest your triggers!
4. Stop Comparing
It is very difficult not to compare your sex life with OTHER things. Other things such as TV, movies, pornography, locker room talk, etc. That OTHER stuff is not real. The problem with comparing is that you will always find something better if you search for it hard enough. It’s a FALSE scale. And it’s completely unfair to set that expectation of your spouse. How can they measure up to something so unreal?
5. You are a Selfish Little Man
We all are. We are all born selfish creatures. We came into this world wanting to eat, sleep and go to the bathroom and cried if we didn’t get our way. Our selfish nature doesn’t go away when we get married. It may get stuffed for a while, but it resurfaces like a lurking, stealth submarine. Our selfishness comes out when we have unmet expectations. Things we want but don’t get – so we get resentful and angry about it. Sex is the same way. I remember stewing in the dark, in bed after the newlywed years because I expected sex, never said anything and didn’t get it. Sometimes I was so angry, I couldn’t even sleep.
Men our selfishness will/may cause us to sin against God and our wife. We get angry, resentful, frustrated, controlling, manipulative, mean, etc. We tend to justify our fall with porn, lust, flirting with her not meeting our needs. All lies. These are lies hand-crafted by Satan to distance you from God’s will and separate you from your wife.
Arrest the lies, triggers, protect your eyes, communicate expectations, romance your wives and get back into God’s full favor.
I’m a happily married man.
BMWK: Do you agree? Do you stare and/or lust after other women?
Phil Stevens is a Christ follower, happily married father, filmmaker, producer, writer & actor. Creator of Marriage Pressure Points, a film series and marriage community based on a proactive, honest, loving and graceful approach to marital conflict. His heart is to make God proud and collaborate with amazing people to make healthy – every marriage he can.
happily married, but still feel justified in looking at a woman who is not your wife, no matter for how long.
This by far is the best article that I have read on this website, from a REAL man’s point of view. I am constantly bombarded with media telling me what my role is…but to read that a man knows that a woman is not an on/off switch and that God has wired her in a particular way is refreshing. If men and woman meet the needs of their spouse, both needs are met! God Bless.
Where did you say he feels justified for looking? He said he felt ashamed. Nevertheless this was an excellent article.
You obvobviously don’t respect your wife!
I believe that you love your wife dearly, you are human and your flesh became weak. We all sin and fall short of the Glory of God, remember there was only one perfect man that walked on this earth, his name was Jesus! I’m sure you repented and will be aware of the devil’s little tactics the next time. Be blessed and may God continue to bless your union!!!
My husband stared at my cousins ass when my family got together for Christmas. He was so mesmerized by her that he actually told his friend to look her up on fb. He told his friend that he could not concentrate on anything else because he was so turned on by her. He will never go to my family parties again. I understand looking but don’t gawk and get turned on.
You really didn’t read the article if you think he was saying he felt justified.
You Win!! This is by far one the best article I’ve read on this site in quite some time. Thanks for the reminders.
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Your husband is very disrespectful and doesn’t sound trust worthy. He straight up disrespected you as his wife and its sad that you can’t even take him around your family. You should do some soul searching
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Sorry men but please stop thinking women put on certain things to get attention. How about we can wear what we want, we love our curves, and again we can wear what we want. Men need to grow up, keep your eyes to yourself, know that looking is natural, find some self control, and atop blaming women for your eye issues. It’s the same as is somebody has a food addiction. If you don’t learn to practice self control and you look long enough you will end up eating it. Sorry but it’s time we unlearn bad behavior.
Sorry sweetie but you are lying to yourself. Have some self respect. You know you want that attention that you are not getting it at home. Real women can be sexy and classy with the right outfit. Real women don’t reveal everything. And if you have to wear too short outfits to make yourself feel better you might want to do done soul searching.
Yes! I came here to point this out! Thank you for this.
dbaskin – I never said she wore those shorts so that people would look. In fact I said, she wore those shorts for a reason. That reason is hers alone. It could have been because she wants to look and feel good in them. Maybe she lost weight and wanted to flaunt a little. What I said was, “Granted, she wore those shorts for a reason, but I need to be responsible for my OWN actions.” Objectifying her was wrong regardless of her reasons for dressing sexy. So – I hope you didn’t read that in my post, I apologize if that’s the interpretation you got.
I feel I may be far less “God Fearing” than many of you on here. Nonetheless, after 26 years of marriage and seeing styles go from sexy IMO (form fitting jeans and mini skirts) to what they call THOT wear with it all hanging out and the sluttier the better, I will say it’s not the staring but where you allow your thoughts to go. I don’t compare, my wife is my wife, that woman is that woman. Even those times I have had a extended thought, I realized I look at other women with a comma. You know “she’s fine but,” I think of the good AND bad in my marriage and think, I know what I have and what can be done to fix what may be broken. The other lady? Sorry ladies but if you have it out like that, IMO you have problems so serious that you are doing everything to distract from your mess. Even if it means you have to look like you should be on the stroll.
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I don’t feel that he should of felt guilty for looking at this female with the tight short shorts and there is nothing wrong with it. I am tired of hearing different women make the false claim that these type of women that wear these tight and/or short clothing is not looking for attention. The only reason why a woman wears this type of clothing is for attention from men which makes her feel sexy and desirable. Many good and quality women have agreed with me 100% on this issue. If no man gave a woman attention when she has tight clothes on, she would never wear them. Besides, his wife wasn’t with him and it wasn’t disrespectful to her. I have seen many married women look at men when their husband wasn’t around and they enjoyed it very well but didn’t feel guilty. Let’s not be hypercritical and dishonest with ourselves. Any woman or man that feels this man was wrong for looking is detached from reality. Now, if you continue to lust after her later then you are out of line. Plus, you are not immature just because you look but human. A man or woman doesn’t stop looking at the opposite sex just because they are married. If he did this in front of his wife, he would of been very disrespectful and wrong.
I don’t think he should feel ashamed, he did nothing wrong. He is human and have eyes, glancing at the opposite sex is not a sin nor is it disrespectful. Gawking, flirting or touching is disrespectful, we are all human and even us women glance/look at the opposite sex and like what we see at times but it’s only looking nothing more. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you stop normal behavior, you simply control your behavior. Heck, I wear short shorts from time to time & sexy clothes my hubby luvs it and I’m sure other men admire it just as we can admire the beauty in the opposite sex. I appreciate the beauty in the same sex along with my husband. To each his own though.